Falling Slowly: Sorry Boys

These days I'm finding that success is in recognizing what the pattern of behavior is even if you're participating in it.
Most of the time I haven't yet conquered knowing why I WANT to act a certain way before I've done it, or even for hours after it.
I feel like sometime in the future, maybe even the near future, I'll be able to stop on the precipice of this behavior instead of giving into it.

Like yesterday. Yesterday, I was looking for a fight. A knock down drag out tear the walls down leave no man or woman standing fight.
I don't want to. I hate feeling this contentious and aggressive. I hate feeling this energy surging through my veins while I clench my fists trying to find fault in something you've said or done.
I hate realizing that it's all from hormones as a result of my body getting healthier. Because then I feel like I can't trust anything I think or feel ever. (You know, not that I'm an all or nothing kind of girl or anything...)

So I'm calling it a success that I realized halfway through the day that I'm looking for a fight not because I'm mad about anything but because I'm adjusting to getting healthy and in shape.
But I'm telling you what...I was shaking and vibrating from the force it took to stop picking fights and I was so not a fan.

One step forward, two steps back.


Boxes Boxes Boxes

Pete moved in yesterday!
There are boxes everywhere, well everywhere in the basement. The upstairs isn't to bad, just a little cluttered.

His bedroom has been built, his bed is set up and clothes are mostly put away, now he just has to unpack everything and then you know....get a job.
His brother, friend and parent's were here the last few days helping build, unpack and all that fun stuff. I'm just so glad it's not MY stuff I have to put away again.

I don't think it's hit Pete quite yet, I keep reminding him that he's home...he's just home and doesn't have to leave in a few days, weeks, or even months.

Welcome home Pete!


Tooth Brushes (Teeth Brushes?)

I was driving back from lunch today and a commercial for Reach Tooth Brushes came on the radio.
They ended with some disclaimers. Which brought up some questions for me and also A LOT of my toothbrush weirdo habits.

They said, be sure to rinse your tooth brush thoroughly after brushing to ensure all the toothpaste has washed out.
Question: WHO DOESN'T DO THIS?!!?

They said to store your tooth brush in the upright position so it will dry out completely.
Question: Dooooo toothbrushes not dry when place in other positions?

They strongly suggested replacing your toothbrush every 3 months.
Question: How long do some people use their toothbrushes normally?

I was so creeped out by the first statement that I began to mentally review my toothbrush hygiene regimes.

My toothbrush has to be in an enclosed cabinet but not touching aforementioned cabinet. I usually balance it on the tube of toothpaste, always the same side of the toothbrush tube so the brush doesn't touch anything that touched anything besides my hands, which are washed before handling toothbrush and/or toothpaste.

Don't even THINK about flushing the toilet with the seat up while my toothbrush is out of the enclosed cabinet. I imagine little poop particles rocketing through the air and adhering themselves to my brush :shudder:

If my tooth brush bristles even hint at touching anything that isn't the tube of toothpaste, my teeth or my freshly washed hands it's getting pitched. Period.
I still gag at the memory of dropping my toothbrush on the bathroom floor at work. Just the thought that anyone would rinse it off and put it back in their mouth.... :shudder:

I do probably stick with the about 3 month switch theory though. Unless of course, the bristles touch something.
Having said all this, I think I'll go brush my teeth...it just feels like the right thing to do.

Do you have any weird toothbrush/toothpaste habits? Do you patently disagree with any of mine?


Till You Don't Hurt Anymore

When someone around me is hurting I want them to feel better.
I seem to have this idea that I can love them till they don't hurt anymore.
That idea is killing me.
It's not my place to keep people from hurting, it's my place to love them even when they're hurting.
I'm not supposed to fix it I'm supposed to sit beside them and love them.

I do.
I clean, I cook, I give advice I pull out of my ass that somehow still seems to make sense.
Sometimes that helps. Sometimes it doesn't.
When it does I soar, I feel amazing about helping.
When it doesn't I sour. I am dejected and disappointed in myself. How could I be so useless.

I just want things to be better. I want the tension to be gone I want the relationships restored and fences mended.

But it's not my place. It's not my responsibility.
So until you don't hurt anymore and beyond I will love you but I can't fix you.
I can't fix it.


13 going on 31

When I check age boxes on forms now I have to check the box that says 31-40.
But even so I'm not particularly startled by age. Because I've felt 13 for as long as I can remember.

I've felt awkward and gangly.
I've felt desperate for love and affection while being to coolly aloof and indifferent to act like I cared.
I've felt overdeveloped and under prepared.
I've felt like all the drama and ebbs and flows of life were way beyond my level of maturity.

But last year I decided I was going to make conscious efforts to get healthy. I was going to do the hard stuff, the sweaty stuff. I was going to lose weight melodramatically and just be a better me.
I immediately began to realize that getting physically healthy was the least of my problems.

The release of endorphins and the slow re-balance of hormones that began to happen jump started my brain and unlocked that hidden away room that I kept all my fears, insecurities and all the lies.

I stopped being able to shove them down with food, although I kept trying.

I stopped being able to push them away with a snarky remark and well timed eye roll.

You stopped believing me when I said I was ok and you brought the words I typed in the dark of night back to show me how you knew.

It was all so much harder than I ever expected it to be.

But I'm getting healthier. I'm talking about it more and even seeing someone specifically to talk about it. I'm asking for help and even occasionally accepting help when it's offered.

I'm pruning away the 13 year old in me.

I'm swimming hard against a decades and even generations old current of hate, lies and grudges and I'm learning to live in the set aside.

It's interesting to look back and see the 30th year all at once. Because so often I would feel mired in the muck and I felt like I was sinking most of the year. But I can see the movement more clearly now.

I can see that the times I found Heaven to be terrifyingly silent it was I that had my fingers in my ears screaming la la la I can't hear you.

I can see that the cold distance I often felt from God this year was from my closed bible and the boulder I set on top so it wouldn't accidentally fall open.

I can see that the relationships that seemed at low tide and I struggled with feeling stranded on a dusty shore alone again were really times that I was being shown how to trust my own two feet to hold me up.

I can see how feeling disconnected from everyone and everything was to show me that I was far more connected than was healthy for my faltering and floundering heart. I see how I need to be connected to others in a more healthy way, in a way that I allow myself to be vulnerable and transparent in a way I just had never allowed myself to be before.

I can see the dryness I felt in my soul and I can see that it was from the dam I built not the indifference of the people I was shoving away.

So I'm in a new box now. But in many ways I'm still trying to drag my old box along with me. I'm trying to let it go.
I thought, one year? No problem.
But it might take me two years. It might take me three, and that's ok.


Some things you can't unsee

There are things you just can't unsee. Since you all (except Sharen, you were there) had the audacity to not be with me you have to hear about it because I had to see it.

***Note: Do NOT read this while eating***

I had a really productive day Saturday and a free coupon to Red Robin because of my birthday. After a lot of work around the house and a gazillion loads of laundry by Sharen we decided to head to Red Robin for dinner.
Hitch in the plan #1: The Streets of West Chester were out of power. Stupid Duke, I blame the rest of the story on you completely.
Hitch in the plan #2: I really really really wanted Red Robin so now I had to decide what else I wanted to do for dinner.

Driving down Union Centre I suggested Jimmy Johns and Sharen turned around and took the cut through by Urban Active.
On the way back to Jimmy Johns we passed a man about 50ish jogging. This is important to note.
When we pulled into the parking lot I started to falter on my dinner decision and we pulled into a parking space and chat.
Suddenly, something catches our eye and we see a grown man squatting beside a tree.
We wondered if he was puking
We wondered if he was (enter X rated activity here)
I said, "It almost looks like he's pooping.

Then, he reaches up and pulls a few leaves from the branch and WIPES HIS ASS.

Sharen and I were howling with laughter when we realized he was walking away from the tree a little funny....like there was still a turtle head poking out or something.
We howled again and then he turned and RAN back to the tree pulling his shorts down as he ran and there they were, two gleaming white moons jiggling in the humid air.

The jogger squatted, got the rest of his business taken care of and he stood up and ran on.
That is one dedicated runner.


Harry Potter: Chamber of Secrets

I swear, I'm trying to read the books slower this time around.
As I mentioned before I'm re-reading the Harry Potter series in preparation for the Deathly Hollows movie that's coming out this fall.
I just finished the 2nd book, Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets and it is again so much better than I remembered it to be.
It was so much fun seeing Ginny's character begin to interact with Harry and to see the relationships between Harry, Ron and Hermione deepen.

But as I finished it today I was struck by several things that Tom Riddle (Voldemort) said in the Chamber of Secrets. Specifically:

If I say it myself, Harry, I've always been able to charm the people I needed.
So Ginny poured out her soul to me, and her soul happened to be exactly what I
wanted....I grew stronger and stronger on a diet of her deepest fears, her
darkest secrets. I grew powerful, far more powerful than little Miss Weasley.
Powerful enough to start feeding Miss Weasley a few of my secrets, to
start pouring a little of my soul back into her.
I thought about the things I've been afraid of and all the things I've kept secret. I thought about all the random people I've shared them with and all their different reactions. Some told me to "just figure it out and get over it" others coddled me and encouraged the fear and secrecy and still others had grand intentions but life gets in the way and they slowly disappeared from my life.

But sometimes I think that I pour to (too? MT I just don't know!) much out. In the hopes of pleasing other people and wanting so much for them to like me and want me around I think I vomit the contents of my heart out so far that I don't guard it against anything.
Just thoughts pinging around thanks to Harry Potter.

On a completely unrelated note (well, semi related really) Adrienne posted this on a forum and I have been swooning ever since.
Ladies (and gentlemen of a certain persuasion) I present to you Neville Longbottom all grown up! (Rawr!)


Unfold Me I Am Small

Bent in half, folded and hidden
Unsure the right time or if there is any time
Running out of people to blame
No more places to point your face to while I flee the scene
Not trusting myself I bend and bend unwilling to break.

Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
Hurt myself again today
And, the worst part is there's no-one else to blame

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me I am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Ouch I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found
Yeah I think that I might break
I've lost myself again and I feel unsafe

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me I am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

-Sia "Breathe Me


Harry Potter: The Sorcerer's Stone

I read the Harry Potter series for the first time last summer. I had initially refused to read it because it was popular and well....I can be quite contrary when I put my mind to it.
I LOVED the series.
I especially loved that all 7 books were released and I could read them boom boom boom. But then the problem was that I read them boom boom boom. I mean I read 7 books, some of which were quite thick in a month and a half.

So I decided to start buying the books (I read them from the library) at used book stores and have 1,2,3 and 7. I want to re-read the entire series before November when the 1st part of the 7th book comes out. (I just got chills thinking about the movie, I'm a nerd)
I'm excited to re-read so I can read it slower and savor the books more. Last time it was like a sprint reading them, and this time I want to read them like a marathon. (Yes, that was a sports reference, why do you ask?)

I just finished Harry Potter: The Sorcerer's Stone and there were so many more details in it then I remembered the first time through. It might be my feeble brain, but it also might be the speed reader in me missing things (and yes I do have a picture of myself under a banner that says speed reader of the year hanging in the library back home. Just ask Stephanie).
I love the way the relationship was so contentious between Hermione and Ron and Harry at first. The movie doesn't make it seem so bad when the book has them at each others throats.
I also loved reading the books since watching the movie. Especially Snape's character Alan Rickman. I loved picturing Rickman as I read the scenes with Snape.

One of my favorite threads in the book is when Harry find the Mirror of Erised. It's a mirror that gives you the deepest longings of your heart. When a completely secure and at peace person looks into the mirror they will see only themselves. Ron explains to Harry in the book that men have wasted away and died staring into the mirror because they couldn't pull themselves away from it to even eat. It's just so poignant an explanation and every time it reminds me how easily I can get lost in this ideal of how my heart wishes things could be and how I run the risk of wasting away staring after something that isn't even real.

I am really looking forward to re-reading this series and seeing the little things I missed and picking up plot lines that I know will lead into the Deathly Hallows.



I weeded my flower beds last week and pulled so many flipping weeds.
I finally borrowed Sharen's trimmers yesterday so I could cut the dead parts off my roses. Once I was done with that I went over the rest of the beds again.
There was one plant that the dead stuff was hiding underneath. As I was lifting the green up to get to the brown dead branches I wondered how long this plant had been dying.
You see I've been neglecting my poor flower beds. I haven't been watering them at all.

I snipped and snipped. I yanked and pulled the dead branches and leaves until I thought I would be killing the plant I was pruning it back so hard. I had to cut off some of the green because the brown was part of the same branch.
I don't know if the plant will make it. I might just have prolonged its life a little bit without really saving it.
I also found that several of my weeds had sprung back to life. Not even 3 days had passed and it was like I hadn't pulled them at all.

There were other plants. Seedum (I think) and another flower plant that had spread so wide it was choking out my roses and my Japanese Maple. My roses and Japanese Maple are the plants I want the most in my beds. They're my first choice and I was ignoring them and letting all these other plants choke them out. The other plants are still lovely. They're still pretty. They're still just fine, but they aren't my first choice and by not keeping them in check I was slowly suffocating my first choices.

I saw a lot of my life in that flower bed.

Ben talked about sowing and reaping this week. He talked about how the delay between the sowing and the reaping causes us to disconnected from the consequences to our actions. He talked about how we seem to be told that the moment we do something sinful we think we'll immediately be trust into the pit of hell, when really the reaping can take a very long time to show up. It can take so long to show up that we think we're getting away free and clear and we're so deep into the pit by the time the consequences show up we can't see the top.

Like the plant that was green on top and almost completely dead on the bottom I can be dying for a long time before the pain starts showing itself in my relationships or my acknowledged emotions. Sometimes the death can attach itself to perfectly good and healthy things that end up having to be pruned even though they're not bad or deadly.

Like the seedum and the other plant choking out my Japanese Maple and roses I let things that aren't as important, that aren't my first choice for my life take over. I ignore them for a little bit and they multiply and begin to crowd out those things that I want to be first place in my life. Things that aren't really bad, they aren't really terrible, they're just not what should be first.

TV that seems enjoyable distracting me from spending time reading the bible.

Filling my schedule with appointments and activities that are fun but they aren't building relationships that I want to build or allowing me healthy time to rest and re-charge

Eating eating eating until I feel sick and disgusting when I should be eating in moderation and eating things that are fueling this body instead of weighing it down and paralyzing it.

Like the weeds I've been snipping and pulling, yanking and hacking away at my own weeds. Wounds that I've been wanting to close for good, memories and voices I've been trying to purge from my head keep springing back up. They've been springing up with such an increased speed lately. Because I just cut at the surface. I don't pull it out by the root.
I have to pull these things out of my heart by the root or they will just keep sprouting up.

Because I haven't been watering my flower beds and I haven't been drinking fully from the well that is so readily available to me.

So I'm asking for help, not only asking for help, I'm accepting help to climb out of this pit and it's going to start with sowing today. Sowing things that may not keep the weeds and 2nd choices away right away, but they will one day.

It's time to prune. But I've let it go so far I can't do it on my own anymore. Because this pruning might hurt, it might feel like it's killing me, which is why I've avoided it for so long. But I'm hanging on to the knowledge that cutting off the dead in me will only allow the living in me to flourish.


You Can See Something Else

I know I'm posting a lot of lyrics lately. Sometimes it's because I just love the song, sometimes it's because the lyrics say something better than I can and sometimes it's because I don't trust my voice (fingers) to spew forth only the vague and appropriate information. Sometimes I want to tell all the gory details that Grace tells me should be kept to myself because the details aren't what matters right now. It's the healing and the forgiveness that matters most.

I was about to give up and that's no lie
cardinal landed outside my window
threw his head back and sang a song
so beautiful it made me cry

took me back to a childhood tree
full of birds and dreams

from this one place I can't see very far
in this one moment I'm square in the dark
these are the things I will trust in my heart
you can see something else
something else

I don't know what's making me so afraid
tiny cloud over my head
heavy and grey with a hint of dread
I don't like to feel this way

take me back to a window seat
with clouds beneath my feet

from this one place I can't see very far
in this one moment I'm square in the dark
these are the things I will trust in my heart
you can see something else
something else

-Sara Groves From This One Place


You're Just a Boy

I've driven round in circles for three hours
It was bound to happen that I'd end up at yours
I temporarily forgot there's better days to come
I thought that I would give it just one more chance

Because I want, tonight, what I've been waiting for
But I found, tonight, what I'd been warned about

You think that you are complicated, deep mystery to all
Well it's taken me a while to see, you're not so special
All energy no meaning, with a lot of words
So paper thin that one real feeling, could knock you down

And I've seen, tonight, what I'd been warned about
I'm gonna leave, tonight, before I change my mind

So see you when your 40
Lost and all alone being comforted by strangers you'll never need to know
Not sad because you lost me but sad because you thought it was cool to be

You think misery will make you stand apart from the crowd
Well if you had walked past me today I wouldn't have picked you out
I wouldn't have picked you out

Now I've seen, tonight, how I could waste my time and I'll be on my way,
and I won't be back
Because I've seen, tonight, what I've been warned about
You're just a boy, not a man, and I'm not coming back
I'm not coming back

-Dido See You When You're 40


Beautifully Frightened

I've quoted before the Anais Nin quote:
And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than
the risk it took to blossom.
It's one of my favorites, because it so resonates with me.
I read on Don Miller's blog a series where his dog wrote blog posts. The first one was about how he came to live with Don and the follow paragraph in particular really got me.

I know now that was the day I was picked and being picked is a beautiful thing.
But I also know beautiful things are frightening. When something beautiful
happens it’s sometimes like an amputation, like your heart is being cut out with
a knife. You don’t ever think when you are in extreme pain that you are being
saved, chosen, picked for relationship, set aside to be loved. You can never
really believe pain. It’s almost always something beautiful transitioning to
something better, the whole time masquerading as a tragedy. (via this blog post)

Because that is so where I have been living in the last few months. I've been struggling back and forth with old demons and lies that I'm just tired of wrestling with. I've been slip sliding in and out of thought patterns and beliefs that I had decreed long since dead.
But I'm opening up to more people and making brave decisions that honestly should have been made years ago.
I'm realizing, "you can never really believe pain. It's almost always something beautiful transitioning to something better, the whole time masquerading as a tragedy" I'm learning to live in the set aside.


Golden Girls

I've been watching re-runs of the Golden Girls lately. They ran the finale the other night and I teared up at Dorothy's good-bye monologue. So lovely, and I so didn't appreciate it when I watched it the first time.
These are memories that I'll wrap myself in when the world gets cold and I
forget that there are people that are warm and loving.
Your friendship was never something I expected at this point in my life and
I could never have asked for a better surprise


I Am Telling

The thing is, I didn't mean to.
I was just passing through and there it was. The edge of the rabbit hole.
[gives blank look] That was like taking a bullet.

(name that movie)
I don't mean to do it, I know the risks. I've worked hard to recognize the dips leading up to the edge and avoid them, but this time I tripped and plunged head first.
Wrapped up in fog and memories I light the match and hold it closer to my skin than I have in months. I imagine the possibilities, I ponder the fantastical obsessions that begin to cave in on my heart.

I'm asking for help; for this and so many other things. I'm being brave; and to a specific, appropriate person I'm going to tell everything. Because I just can't do it anymore. .

I, without the assistance of anyone currently, am eviscerating my own heart.
I, who can't let it go, who dwells on it, who picks picks picks away at scabs that should have healed years ago.....I am telling.


Pride & Prejudice

All the information I knew about Pride & Prejudice before I read it was a result of Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks in You've Got Mail.

From Wiki:
The story follows the main character Elizabeth Bennet as she
deals with issues of manners, upbringing, moral rightness, education and
marriage in her aristocratic society of early 19th century England. Elizabeth is
the second eldest of five daughters of a country gentleman landed in the
fictional town of Meryton in Hertfordshire, not far
from London.

I didn't like it as much as I liked Sense & Sensibility, I think Elizabeth was a little annoying. But then again, she reminded me a little of my super contrary days so I might have not liked her because it reminded me of how I used to be...
It definitely held my attention. I don't know that I would read this one over and over like I might Sense & Sensibility, but it was a lovely read all the same. But...I kept imagining Colin Firth as Mr. Darcy and that made it alllll worth it.


Sense & Sensiblity

I have never read Jane Austen before this summer.
My throw back nazi-feminism refused to let me even acknowledge it was worth the time to read it, I had this idea of Jane based on my idea of the times she lived in.

But then I bought this Sony Reader and I went to a public domain site that lets you download free books and there was Jane on the list. I decided I might as well give it a go. Also, I watched the movie Becoming Jane and realized that Jane isn't exactly who I thought she was in the first place.
Then I went to Portland and spent several hours traveling and just sitting while Katy worked Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday. So I read Sense & Sensibility.

From Wiki:
The story revolves around Elinor and Marianne, two
daughters of Mr. Dashwood by his second wife. They have a younger sister,
Margaret, and an older half-brother named John. When their father dies, the
family estate passes to John, and the Dashwood women are left in reduced
circumstances. The novel follows the Dashwood sisters to their new home, a
cottage on a distant relative's property, where they experience both romance and
heartbreak. The contrast between the sisters' characters is eventually resolved
as they each find love and lasting happiness. Through the events in the novel,
Elinor and Marianne find a balance between sense (or pure logic) and sensibility
(or pure emotion) in life and love.

Despite my best efforts I truly enjoyed this book. I found myself racing through chapters and wondering what was going to happen next. I gasped in places (especially the end) and felt frustrated in others when what I was clearly seeing wasn't occurring to these girls!
I enjoyed it immensely and even went on to Pride & Prejudice.


The Year of Magical Thinking

I picked up The Year of Magical Thinking at a library book sale a few years back. It languished on my bookshelf until I started trying to actually read book I owned that I hadn't read.

TheNew Yorker writes:

Didion's husband, the writer John Gregory Dunne, died of a heart attack, just after they had returned from the hospital where their only child, Quintana, was lying in a coma. This book is a memoir of Dunne's death, Quintana's illness, and Didion's efforts to make sense of a time when nothing made sense. "She's a pretty cool customer," one hospital worker says of her, and, certainly, coolness was always part of the addictive appeal of Didion's writing. The other part was the dark side of cool, the hyper-nervous awareness of the tendency of things to go bad. In 2004, Didion had her own disasters to deal with, and she did not, she feels, deal with them coolly, or even sanely. This book is about getting a grip and getting on; it's also a tribute to an extraordinary marriage. Copyright © 2005 The New Yorker

It really was a lovely book. She talked about the elements of grief when you think you're going crazy and you really aren't, your mind is just adjusting to a life without the one that died.
It was interesting to read about she and her husband, they're writers and seemingly well known. It was like a glimpse inside a social circle I only see exaggerated on Real Housewives of NYC.

I liked it, it was deep and heavy when I probably should have been reading light and airy, but it held my attention and her descriptions of the jolting awake moments at night were so poignant.



One of the scenes I remember best from the Chronicles of Narnia book Voyage of the Dawn Treader (at least I'm 99% sure that's where it's from) is a scene of total darkness.

I remember reading it and thinking how much like that I can be.
The ship had been sailing along in bright daylight until all of the sudden it was dark. Pitch black and completely void of light.
I don't know if they talk about it in the book or not, they're on my re-read list I just don't currently own them, but I remember thinking how one could realize they are in the dark without the light. I thought, how do you know how dark it truly is until you start seeing the first flashes of light?

Over two years ago I was told I had F.D.. Fat Disease for those of you that weren't around back then. I've made strides forward and have leapt backwards trying to become less of a Bethany than I am right now (physically I mean). It has been really hard. Harder than I was prepared for it to be. I've found new depths to the darkness that I would have sworn to you didn't exist.
I've also found that having semi-regular levels of estrogen in my body makes me more than a little crazy.

I don't like looking/feeling silly. I am a mocker. I'm trying to stop, or at least slow down. Because I know that if I do it so do other people. So I get this inflated sense of self and think that others are staring at me and mocking me. Especially when I work out and am all sweaty, grunty (is so a word), and red in the face from the exertion. So sometimes, I really have to psych myself up to even pull on workout clothes, or even pack them for the evening because I have already thought up the jokes people will tell at my expense. Sometimes I would rather slowly kill myself then risk looking silly to people whose names I don't even know.

I've found that as my estrogen levels out and my body starts acting like a woman's body should act (sorry boys) I get crazy. If I don't pay attention to when it's happening I get so dark and hopeless. I can't see the end, I think the light has been extinguished forever. Crazy scary things run through my head and I can see no reason. Until suddenly a light bulb comes on and then I'm just left feeling foolish for forgetting about the light.

I don't like that it's hard. Because it's hard. It's so hard and I'm so lazy when it comes to my own self care. If you need something, I'll hop to it. Need a favor? I'm your girl. But I'm finding out just how little I think of myself. I'm finding out just how little I value my life at all and it is really scary sometimes. Because, when you don't value the life of something you squash it more often than not.

Because the thing is, until I allowed the slightest crack in the wall there was no light in those and many more places. Now I understand the theology of Jesus being there and that God is everywhere and sees everything. I get that in my head. But just like when I used to keep Jesus in the closet hidden away, I pretend it doesn't matter, that these deep and dark things were just between me and my shadow.
So when I started to let the light of the freakin WORLD into this darkness it was almost blinding.

Sometimes I wonder, if I'm plumbing it to deep. If I'm focusing on the dark to much. But other times I feel like it will envelop me and take my life if I don't resolve it.

But then I think back, to before I knew Jesus. I think back to before I was going to a church of people I loved so deeply and before I was (however sporadically or begrudgingly) chatting with God. I think back to the bottles of liquid and bottles of pills. I think about the boys and the razors, I think about the oncoming traffic and how I tried to figure out how to make a noose.
I think about how it was so dark. It was so so dark.
And I didn't even know it.

So it is hard. It is hard and disconnected and contradictory (just like this post). It's melodramatic and silly and motivating and paralyzing.
But I know there is light. Even if I can't quite see it yet. Even if I don't know which way to look for it I know that it's there and I just hold on to that. Because now that I know the light exists, what else is there to do but keep reaching towards it; even if I feel like I'm reaching blindly in the middle of a very deep dark.


Everything I learned tonight.....

I learned from TV.
The bad thing about dog sitting is I can't do anything around my house. The nice thing about dog sitting is I can't do anything around my house. So I have a perfect excuse to just watch movies or TV. Color me tickled pink when I stumbled across a Top 100 Songs of the 90s countdown on VH1 tonight. I was flipping channels on commercials and started immediately gleaning all sorts of wisdom and information from the intellectually stimulating shows I was watching (E! News, VH1, D10 oh it was junktacular) Here are my observations and maybe a confession or two:
  • Gerardo of 90's Rico Suave fame is now a rapping pastor in Cali
  • If you had to pick two words to sum up the 90s it would not be Canadian Reggae
  • Confession: For my 13th birthday I had a Kris Kross party and required everyone wear their clothes backwards. Swimsuits were the exceptions.
  • Tv told me plaid is having a HUGE moment right now. Who is plaid?
  • I'm sorry, but I don't care who makes it a Romper will never look good on my figure. Stop encouraging bad fashion choices TV!
  • I loved 90s music, which apparently means I loved some bad bad music
  • I was really sad with Left Eye died. It reinforced my resolve to not go chasing waterfalls
  • I like Julia Roberts with Pretty Woman frizzy hair best
  • I miss videos on MTV
  • Justin Bieber stole his 'hair out of his eyes' head shake from Ed Kowalczyk "I Alone" video
  • In New Jersey calling someone "Fake and Bake" is an insult
  • I am disappointed that Lionel Richie allowed Yahoo! to use "Hello" in their recent ad. I used to sing that song with heart into a hairbrush and my mirror as a pre-teen
  • Brad Pitt was the hottest in Legend of the Fall and caused me to become obsessed with the name Tristan. I've gotten over that now, sort of.
  • "Damn I Wish I Was Your Lover" by Sophie B. Hawkins will forever be Dillon and Kelly cheating on Brenda on the beach in 90210 while Brenda was cheating on Dillon in Paris with Dean Cain. (I could win an original 90210 trivia game)
  • The way Ben Lee talks reminds me of the male Australian version of Claire
  • Fiona Apple was 18 when she wrote Shadowboxer. EIGHTEEN! She is my age. This freaks me out.
  • No no....what IF God was one of us?
  • Are YOU down with O.P.P? (Then I found out what it means and it was scandalous!)
  • I still hate Hootie and the Blowfish with the fire of a thousand suns
  • One of the dudes from Color Me Bad lives in Cincinnati. WHAT?!
  • I remember the exact moment I first heard the Spice Girls song Wannabe
I'm sure there's more, but good golly I had so many revelations on TV!



Why do today what you can put off until tomorrow.
If I was anyone else I would totally say that is an accurate assessment of my life style.

Cut the grass? It's hard work maybe I should nap first.
Sweep the floors? Sure, but first I should probably clear off my DVr in case it gets full next week while I'm out of the house.

On and on I go. I would tell you more about it but, first I have to go relax a little.
I hate this about myself. I have such grandiose intentions and then I get overwhelmed and just don't do anything and the cycle continues.
I vacillate between thinking it's procrastination and that it's just laziness. But procrastination is sexier (ok, I might have made that up) so I'll say I'm procrastinating instead of lazy.

For example, right now I'm procrastinating from doing work by talking about how I procrastinate. Ok, it's actually lunch time, but I'm procrastinating on walking to the kitchen to get my food at least.


Oh My Dear

I called you up, you were in bed, could barely make out the words that you
said But you wanted to see me instead, so I got dressed
So I stepped out into the snow, and walked for a mile or so
Felt the rush of blood come from the cold, within my chest

Well, you finally came to the door, and we talked for an hour or more
Until I asked if you would stay up until four, and you said that's fine
But you said "There's something I have to say, and I can just because I am
so afraid"
And so I held you as you started to shake, that night

Oh, my dear, I'll wait for you
Grace tonight will pull us through
Until the tears have left your eyes
Until the fear can sleep at night
Until the demons that you're scared of Disappear inside
Until the scale begins to crack
And this weight falls from your back
Oh, my dear, I'll keep you in my arms tonight

You slowly lifted your head from your hands
You said "I just don't think you'll understand
You'll never look at me that way again
If you knew what I did"

And so your tears fell and melted the snow
You told me secrets nobody had known
But I never loved you more, even though Now I know what you did

Oh, my dear, I'll wait for you
Grace tonight will pull us through
Oh, my dear, I'll wait for you
Grace tonight will pull us through
Until the tears have left your eyes
Until the fear can sleep at night
Until the demons that you're scared of Disappear inside
Until the scale begins to crack
And this weight falls from your back
Oh, my dear, I'll keep you in my arms tonight

Until the tears have left your eyes
Until the fear can sleep at night
Until the demons that you're scared of Disappear inside
Until the scale begins to crack
And this weight falls from your back
Oh, my dear, I'll keep you in my arms tonight
I'll keep you in my arms tonight

-Tenth Avenue North Oh My Dear


Love, without encouragement

We can all begin freely--a slight preference is natural enough; but there are very few of us who have heart enough to be really in love without encouragement.
--Pride & Prejudice


New Altitude

As I descended into Minneapolis my head suddenly seized with intense stabbing pain. "Must be the altitude" I thought.
Sprinting through the airport to catch my connection my head beat with the rhythm of my flip-flopped feet and all I wanted was to stab my brain out with a spoon. Surely that couldn't have hurt worse.
Jetting out of Minneapolis between a clear blue sky and one so dark the lights on planes shone like dozens of brilliant suns my eyes involuntarily shut as the pain throbbed on.
Restlessly hurdling through the air I anticipate landing, surely the ache will be gone when I descend to a more agreeable altitude.
But the ache goes on and one through the night into the morning and the next three days.

I begin to wonder if my brain isn't on the verge of exploding. I take any and all medicine I can think of to stave off the spasms happening behind my eyes. I try to remember what Bret Micheals said about his aneurysm and if maybe that's what I have too.
I push through. What if I never feel better? I don't want to miss Portland if this will last the whole week and into forever.
What if this is my new normal?

Slowly but surely the ache dulls and sometimes goes away completely. But it seems that as soon as I notice it has lessened or gone completely for a moment it comes back with a vengeance. It is only now that I feel confidant enough to say out loud that I feel better. Yet even now as I write it a sharp stab of pain passes over my left eye.
As I think about this I realize, I am like this in almost every aspect of life.

I don't know how to live without their voices telling me I'm a nasty selfish girl. I don't know how to be a girl that wears small clothes. Because to do so would be to stand naked without pounds and pounds of reasons for your rejection outside of my own ability to be desirable in your eyes.
To finish a degree would be to acknowledge I know what I want to do with my life and hold myself accountable to doing more than what I've stumbled into and what comes mind-numbingly easy to me. It would be to risk your disappointment in my chosen vocation more so than in my accidentally on purpose vocation.

So I don't mention it. I bury it beneath layers of skin I can't shed and witty retorts to your questions of how I am.
I adjust to a normal I don't know how to be without.



I believe in the rest of the story
I believe there's still ink in the pen
I have wasted my very last day
Trying to change what happened way back when

I believe it's the human condition
We all need to have answers to why
More than ever, I'm ready to say that I
Will still sleep peacefully
With answers out of reach from me until…

Someday all that's crazy
All that's unexplained
Will fall into place
And someday all that's hazy
Through a clouded glass
Will be clear at last
And sometimes we're just waiting
For someday

We are born with a lingering hunger
We are born to be unsatisfied
We are strangers who can't help but wander
And dream about the other side of…

Every puzzle's missing piece
Every unsolved mystery
More than half of every whole
Rests in the Hands that hold you for someday….
--Nichole Nordeman


Good Things: June

June 1 - Good workout followed by an amazing nap

June 2 - Dressed like a rock star for work today, which meant I got to wear a ridiculous amount of black eye makeup and red lipstick

June 3 -I found out where I'm sitting when I start my new job (same company) July 6th and it's totally the cubicle I called dibs on! It's the little things that help an office job be fun.

June 4 - I had grandiose plans to clean and organize the night away. Instead I napped, ate dinner then went to bed for the night. It.was.glorious.

June 5 - Charlie and Dan came over and finished the hall bath and hung the laundry and basement bath doors. I did ALL my laundry, cleaned, and rearranged the living room and my bedroom. Also, yummy dinner with Sharen and Matthew!

June 6 - Waking up in a clean and reorganized house is amazing. Also, got a chance to tell a friend I loved him all the way, no matter what.

June 7 - Busy busy day at work means it went by fast. Yummy leftovers for lunch too.

June 8 - Dinner and good conversation with my friends Fred and Claire and I made a brave decisions that I can't tell you about because it scares me

June 9 - All day I thought today was the 10th, so I decided to schedule a personal day for Friday. So it became like my Thursday. Also, I crawled in bed after work and literally didn't get out until 6am. It was lovely

June 10 -Today is my Friday, watched some America Got Talent with Kirsten, Shelby and Matthew and laughed a lot. Oh, and my friend Alexis brought a brand new baby into the world!
Jacob Patrick Wombold 6lbs 15oz

June 11 - Slept in, did a little work, cleaned a little, read a lot. All in all a good relaxing day, oh and Nicole arrived!

June 12 -Woke up and read and randomly cleaned some windows while I waited for Nicole to awake from her coma. When she finally did I ate some free Chipotle thanks to a Rock star gift card from work and the donation of another partially used one by my peep Lori.

June 13 - I started reading The Hiding Place by Corrie ten Boom for the first time. I got halfway through it in addition to cleaning my kitchen and doing other random things. It's a very good book.

June 14 - Washington Project meeting! I really love the people I get to lead with and watching them grow as leaders while they push me to grow as well.

June 15 - Sometimes the best thing about a day is that you made it through alive and mostly in one piece.

June 16 - We got our $225 Amazon gift card at work today for hitting our May sales goal. I spent it within 5 minutes of receiving it, I bought a Sony digital reader!

June 17 - I had yummy brats for dinner with my seeester and her family and went to bed relatively early.

June 18- I got my Sony Reader today! So much fun downloading (free) books from a public domain site. Now I can be all smart and say I read a lot of classics!

June 19 - The dog woke me up early, but with the exception of walking him and dinner with Matthew I watched movies on the couch all day. LOVE

June 20 - Church was great. We handed out root beer to people and I got to chat with some friends I love a lot.

June 21 - Oh, I forgot...the people I dogsat for work at a local bakery that is apparently a big deal. I didn't know that, but they made me a CHOCOLATE cake with chocolate mousse filling and chocolate icing. OH.MY.GOSH. I ate a little everyday and died a little inside from all the happiness.

June 22 - Slept in my own bed after dogsitting, and my kitties snuggled with me a lot because I had been gone. They're probably not going to be as forgiving when I'm gone for almost 2 solid weeks....Also, I saved a $13,000 order at work and got crazy kudos and $15 in gift cards for it.

June 23 - Actually had a productive day at work! Refreshing after a few days of crazy craziness

June 24 - Last day before the day I fly to Portland. Busy busy busy but managed to pseudo pick up my house so it isn't trashed while I'm gone.

June 25 - Left on a jet plane for 10 days in Portland, disabled Twitter, gmail and FB on my phone and prepared for internet silence. It was deafening.

June 26 - Woke up in Portland Oregon! With Katy! I'll be here for 10 days!

June 27 - Fun at a great church in Portland. The pastor said, "Has anyone ever told you they were being persecuted for their beliefs and you wanted to tell them, 'No...you're kind of just a jerk." Also, lecterns rising out of the stage to crazy songs are hilarious, I'm just saying.

June 28 -Wandered around Portland while Katy was at work and had some yummy hot chocolate at Powells. Also, I got to meet Courtney and Keith Grant and they are awesome!

June 29 - Settled into doing nothing while Katy was at work. Spent most of the day people watching in Pioneer Square and finished reading Sense & Sensibility. Also, ate a ridiculously large burrito.

June 30 - Got a tan sitting in Pioneer Square again reading but doing more people watching than anyone. Also, Voodoo Donuts with Courtney. I'm just saying, the name of a donut we ate is Cock and Balls and yes...pictures will follow when I'm back online.