Who can you tell?

I love flowerdust.net. Absolutely love it. I find it encouraging and challenging, and entertaining. Anne Jackson has some great things to say and I think you should read her if you don't already. I read the following on her blog today:

when ted haggard’s story first came out, i wrote this post. tuesday, i saw him on CCN. yesterday, i saw him, his wife, and two of his kids on oprah.

the way he addressed his issues was more raw and honest than i expected. the love his wife showed him, and the way his kids talked about him, was nothing short of phenomenal grace.

something he said made me mad though. really mad. although, it didn’t really surprise me.

he had confessed his same-sex attraction to his wife early in their marriage. he was abused by an adult male when he was really young, and that jacked him up. that was the trauma.

a few years before he began acting out on his attraction, he went to some leaders and pastors he knew. he said he was wrestling with these thoughts even more and needed their advice. some withdrew. others told him to keep his mind off of it by working harder for god.

after that, he confessed he didn’t know what to do with the struggle anymore. he desperately wanted them to be gone, and he felt like he needed to hold up the “ideal” of a perfect husband, perfect father, perfect pastor. he made the decisions to not talk, and to act out - but it goes back to show that so many times we feel like we can’t discuss our brokenness with other believers…





we all can choose to talk about our problems, absolutely. and nobody can be responsible for making that decision but us. the environments that the “church” has created, however, tells us something different. it creates an environment where we feel like we need to have everything figured out, or else we’ll face judgment, ridicule, and isolation.

that just ain’t right.

we’ve got to create environments of honesty.

and we have to lead the way.

About 2 1/2 years ago I made a choice. I made a choice and I dove headlong into something that I had no idea how to get out of and something that was clearly and tangibly carrying me farther away from the type of relationship I longed to have with God. I made that choice everyday and with full understanding of what I was doing. About a year ago 1 1/2 years ago I started trying to get off the path I was sprinting down. I started telling people, I told person A who gave me an emotional high 5 and a slap on the back. I told person B who yelled at me and told me that I disappointed them and how could I make such stupid choices. I told person C who just blinked and said ooooohhhhhkaaaayyy and walked away. So I gave up trying to tell people and just kept on skipping along the path. Finally, I told Bobbie. Bobbie who didn't say it was ok, but that it would be ok. Bobbie who encouraged and prayed for me, who listened without recoiling from me and who felt just sorry enough to make me feel loved, but not so sorry that I felt coddled and justified. I wrote a little about it here. Talking to Bobbie wasn't an immediate fix, but with her support I was able to turn from the sin I was choosing toward the grace that she offered. The grace that is offered by a God who longs to reconcile us to him through Christ.

I think that my church does a pretty good job of creating those places for people. Through Life Groups and just the relationships that the open and friendly people that call 4 Corners home build with each other. What are you doing to encourage those around you to share their burdens with you? Maybe you don't call it sin. Maybe you call it stress, worry, grief, depression, whatever, but how do you encourage people around you? Who do you have that you can tell things to, decompress, work through things and yes even confess things to? Who will tell you the truth, the hard and ugly truth, but with grace; not judgement, ridicule, isolation, shame.


How to be a good wife

I saw this post here. But I changed the picture because I love Anne Taintor too. Did anyone actually do this?

Home Economics High School Text Book, 1954

Have dinner ready.
Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal, on time. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal are part of the warm welcome needed.

Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so that you'll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your makeup, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh-looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a lift.

Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the home just before your husband arrives, gather up schoolbooks, toys, paper, etc. Then run a dust cloth over the tables. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift, too.

Prepare the children. Take a few minutes to wash the children's hands and faces (if they are small), comb their hair, and if necessary change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part.

Minimize all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer, dishwasher, or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet. Be happy to see him. Greet him with a warm smile and be glad he is home.

Some don'ts: Don't greet him with problems or complaints. Don't complain if he is late for dinner. Count this as minor compared with what he might have gone through that day. Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or suggest he lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soft, soothing and pleasant voice. Allow him to relax and unwind.

Listen to him. You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first.

Make the evening his. Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or to other places of entertainment. Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure, his need to be home and relax.

The Goal: Try to make your home a place of peace and order where your husband can renew himself in body and spirit.


What We Deserve

I've been having these really random conversations with people about the death penalty lately.
I have no overly legal or theological reasoning as to why I don't like the idea of it, I just don't. It just doesn't sit well with me. I also don't really understand how one can be pro-life and pro-death penalty. The conversation always seems to disintegrate into someone accusing me of being pro-choice or pro-complete and blanket release of anyone on death row. I don't really know how to engage in those conversations most of the time and it's ok with me that people disagree with me.
But one thing has stood out to me throughout these conversations. That it's about what people deserve. Babies don't deserve to die and convicted killers do. I'm not arguing that babies deserve to die. My contention that even convicted killers deserve to not have their life taken away doesn't immediately negate the fact that babies don't deserve to die. To draw that conclusion is just not listening to anything I have to say.

But whether I have a valid argument or not I've been thinking about that word deserve.
Deserve: To earn by service; to be worthy of (something due, either good or evil); to merit; to be entitled to
I deserve. We deserve. Sometimes I just feel so...entitled. What if we really got what we deserved? What if when we sped we were caught and punished every time. What if when we lied, even the whitest most innocent lie it was apparent to everyone? What if every bad thought, every thought that flutters through our minds in a moment of anger, lust, jealousy, hurt was brought to the forefront and were were dealt with in a way we deserved? What then?

Sure, it's murder versus lying and speeding. You can say that it's apples and oranges. But why is it really that different? In what way do we dole out the judgment we think people deserve every day, not just in criminal trials? Is that ok, better, because it's on a much smaller scale? Whose scale are you measuring things by anyway?
How often do you withhold affection from your spouse or kids because they've hurt your feelings? When is the last time you didn't answer that call from your friend because you just didn't want to deal with their drama anymore?
Because it's what they deserved because they hurt you first, because they made you angry, because they invite the drama into their life, because they make stupid decisions and obviously are beyond your help?
Has anyone ever done that to you? Has anyone ever stuck it to you because they decided that's what you deserved? How did that feel?

I don't know the right super duper Jesusy words to say about this to make sense in words what I think in my head. But I know that I withhold grace and compassion from people for stupid reasons. Reasons that get in the way of me vocalizing how in love with Jesus I am, that get in the way of me showing them with my actions that they matter even when they screw up so badly they have no idea how it will ever be right again. I say flip things to people I love always assuming I will have a chance to make it up to them.
So I don't know the right things to say but I know this. I serve a God that could give us what we deserve, he could cut us off and shut us out. He could turn his back on us and wash his hands. Because that's what we deserve. I serve a God that I turn towards and away from multiple times a day. I have fled from him and stared at him defiantly as I made choices that saw me traipsing down the trail of sin and depravity. But he did not give me what I deserved....what I challenged and screamed out at him to give me.

Instead, He gave me Jesus. He gave me abundant grace and forgiveness. He gave me people that were patient and understanding, people that took time to see me and encourage me. He gave me hope where I had none and light where I only invited darkness. He gave me Jesus.

So my question for those of us that serve God and follow Jesus is, who exactly do we think we are to decide what people deserve?


Washington Project Video (and tattoos)

Here's the latest video for Washington Project. Last week we took Sunday papers and hot coffee to local laundry mats and other random places (hardware stores, Goodwill, Nursing Home, Fire Station) to tangibly express God's love to them and to tell them that we appreciate them.

20090111 Washington Project from Greg Hodges on Vimeo.

(also, I'm seriously considering getting a tattoo, details may or may not follow. If they don't follow you'll just have to keep an eye out for the ink)


The light makes the dark more bearable

The other day on DMF my friend Katy mentioned that she has a hard time with perpetual darkness. Our friend Angie went on to say the snow is the only thing that makes the dark bearable. She said it changes everything, because it is so white.
I stared at their words for quite awhile that day, because it's true. Maybe not snow, but darkness whether physical or spiritual is so oppressive some days you don't know how to claw your way out or where to reach out to for help. Light, no matter how dim, shines a light into the darkness and begins to chase it away.

Darkness sometimes feels like my constant companion. I can summon it with the push of the play button or a memory that floats up uninvited of she and he. I've been working hard through some of that junk with God of late, He's been pretty clear that I need to slow down and spend more time alone, silent, with him. So I'm slowing down, I'm listening more and searching for the light and hitting skip on the iPod when a dark song shuffles in.
Yet the darkness remains. It's nipping at my heals and grasping for my heart.
Michelle wouldn't let it go last night. No matter how many times I told her I was ok she just kept asking. It was lovely and uncomfortable at the same time.
How do I continue to explain this to people when I can't even understand it myself?

It seems like this time of year is so dark, I begin to forget what the sun feels like or that there is anything light at all.
It's not bad, but it's not good. It just seems to be most days. I can list a million things that have caused it and have none of them be really true. I can't define it or explain it and I can't seem to make it go away for long. Is it the time of year, sure. Is it the season of remembering and missing her, of course. Is it the messed up way I still love him so much, probably. Is it genetic, self-inflicted, environmental? Yes, yes, and yes, but at the same time no, no and no.
I've drank away the darkness, I've distracted myself with boys and lost myself in smoke and the hustle and bustle of always being busy. I've immersed myself in the darkness, thinking that I just had to plow through it, focus on it and feel it to get through it and past it. Nothing.
The one thing, the most obvious thing, that I haven't done is immerse myself in the light.

I've begged to feel better, I've shouted, cried, pouted, crossed my arms and stomped my feet. I've been troubled by the deafening silence and overwhelmed by the soft whispers urgently calling me to His feet. The hooks of darkness are in there deep, and it is at times so painful to begin to extract them. The small doses of the light that I've opened myself to have slowed the annual descent of darkness, the light is beginning to heal the torn places the darkness has claimed. Will the light stop the darkness completely? I don't know, perhaps. Maybe this year, maybe next, I don't know what will happen. But it's begun to make the dark that descends more bearable, and I have hope....that one day the light will completely eradicate the darkness.


On planet Earth

Six billion people on the planet. If we reduce that population to a one hundred people, proportionately,

57 of those people come from Asia

21 from Europe

14 from North and South America

8 from Africa

49 would be women

51 would be men

68 would still not be able to read and write

6 of those people would own and control 50% of the world’s wealth, all of those six people would
be US citizens

1 of those people would have just been born

1 of those people is about to die

Only 1 of those people have been to college.

How do you see the world? Maybe in your world, almost everyone goes to college. But on planet earth, one in one hundred people will have a college experience.

On planet earth…

One third of the world’s population is dying from a lack of bread.

One third is dying from lack of justice.

One third is dying from over-eating

I got this from this blog and just thought it was interesting. We're very self-centered when it comes to things we do and do not have. We have very unique points of view on what "poor" means. Even the poorest of us in America are richer then a lot of people.
Should we feel bad about it? Maybe. Maybe we should at least feel something, anything at all about the fact that we wash our cars with more clean water then some countries have to drink.
I don't think feeling bad is going to solve the problem. I know that a lot of you feel empathy for people less fortunate then yourselves. I know that several of you do things, several things in fact. But the fact remains:

Nothing will change until we DO something. Until we step out in faith and boldness and say enough, enough is enough is enough.
What are you doing? What could you do? What's stopping you from doing it?


You are a God of seeing

We had our first 2009 Washington Project today. We took 40 papers and 4 carafes of coffee to two local laundry mats and gave Sunday papers and cups of coffee away for free. The group I was with went to a laundry mat in Mason on 42. There weren't that many people there, we ended up driving to a few other places to give away the Sunday paper, but there was a woman at the laundry mat that cried when we gave her a paper and some coffee. Cheryl had been having some serious family drama going on that weekend and she almost didn't come to do her laundry like usual because she just wanted to stay in bed with the covers over her head. We had the amazing opportunity to encourage this woman and tell her that for no other reason, perhaps God led us to that laundry mat so we could encourage her, pray for her and brighten her day with the message that God loves her. It was a beautiful thing and the exact reason I love serving in outreach so much. Sometimes it doesn't go according to our plan, sometimes there's an awkward moment or two (or twelve). But in the end, God seems to have everything under control. Seeing as he's like, you know, God and all.
As an aside, days like today encourage me. These are the days that carry me through the endless days of planning and searching for ways to serve, making connections and socializing on a level that I'm still so very uncomfortable with. Days like today, looking into Cheryl's eyes as she spoke with tears in her eyes about the encouragement we were blessed to bring her make everything else totally worth it.

Days like today illustrate to me that God sees us, He cares so deeply for us in every aspect and on every level. He cares for our well being and doesn't want us to be hungry or lonely, thirsty or afraid. God sees right through us and sends messages to us everyday through people that may not even know they are messengers for the most high God. I feel like the luckiest girl that I get to be even the smallest part of his redeeming plan for the people that he loves so much deeper then I can comprehend.
Don't lose faith, know that your kindness, your faithfulness and obedience opens your heart to God using you in ways you can't imagine yet. I know that he has used many of you to encourage me, to lift me up when I felt I was so far down. I'm also pretty sure that at least one of you literally drug me out of bed when all I wanted to do was stay in it with the covers over my head.

Sometimes it's just a coffee and paper. Sometimes it's just a smile that isn't returned or a door held open without a thank you. Sometimes it feels mundane, unnoticed, unrewarding to reach so much farther out to people then they seem to be reaching out to you. But sometimes it's encouragement, hope, and love. Sometimes it's the difference between life and death, joy and despair.
May the God of endurance and encouragement grant you to live in such harmony with one another, in accord with Christ Jesus

Hope, as the consequence and expression of faith, is not wishful thinking but an absolute confidence in God's promises for the future based on his faithfulness in the past.



This is the illustration Phillip Seymour Hoffman used in Doubt paraphrased of course:

A woman had been slandering a local man to her friends. As she was sleeping one night she had a dream that a large hand was over her and pointing down at her. When she woke she went to her priest and confessed all that she had done. Was the hand pointing at her God? Was he pointing at her because she was gossiping? Was gossiping a sin? The priest said yes. He told her to go home, get a pillow, climb to the roof and slice open the pillow so all the feathers escaped and then come back to see him. So the woman went home and did just that. After she sliced the pillow the feathers went everywhere. The woman returned to church and told the priest what she had done. The priest said, ok, now go back to your house and pick up all the feathers and put them back into the pillow. But I can't the woman protested, the wind picked them up and I won't be able to find them all. The priest said, exactly, THAT is gossip.


I suck at reviewing things, just so you're aware. I went and saw Doubt tonight, I wanted to see it, but also because there was a thread about it on a forum that I really wanted to read, but was afraid I would spoiler the movie.
It was really good, intense. At one point I was convinced that someone wouldn't be leaving a room alive, and as I told Heather I wasn't sure which one I wanted to die.
Do not go see this movie if you like neatly wrapped up movies that leaving you feeling better about life, because the ending is abrupt and I sat there for a few more moments wondering if they were going to show something else. Surely they must. But they didn't.

But I still thought the movie was great. Phillip Seymour Huffman and Meryl Streep did amazing jobs, which isn't surprising to me at all. PSH as a priest gave some really great illustrations, the best of which was about gossip. I just sat there stunned at what he said and thinking about how great of a description is was of gossip. Streep's glasses made her eyes look huge and owlesque, which mesmerized me and made it seem like she was trying to see everything she possibly could, even things that might not have been there.
The scenery was stark which I liked. It was set in late fall, bare trees. It made me feel the desperation felt by PSH and Streep, and even Adams.
Very good all around. I highly recommend it, if you like these types of movies that is.



Ben said on Sunday that repenting is heading in one direction and then turning to head in another.
For the last month or so I've been driving past a very confused flock of birds at the 75/Norwood lateral interchange. They fly up off of the wires and fly one direction, then sweep around and fly the other and back and forth for minutes at a time. Once I was stuck in traffic and they did it for over 10 minutes. It is at once beautiful and disturbing.

I sometimes repent like those birds fly. Turning back to my sinful ways, thoughts and behaviour, turning away and turning back.
It makes me thankful that God's grace is deep, wide, and endless, so much more so then we are to others and ourselves.


Uncertain Obedience

So I started this whole reading through the bible in a year thing. I'm working on being more disciplined about reading the bible and prayer this year and I thought that the least I could do was follow one of these time line thingys each day (and maybe other reading but at least and such truck).
It's day 4, and I'm playing catch up because that's how good I am at personal discipline. I mean, give me a task, ask me to organize massive people and events and I'm on like donkey kong. Ask me to balance my checkbook or call to get something in my house repairs and it will be about 6 months before I remember that I was supposed to do something. What the crap is that about?
But I digress...
The way this whole time line thingy works is I have a section to read out of the old testament and a section out of the new testament. The old reading is longer, because the old testament is longer. I got into the Noah's ark story today, and in case you don't know the story then you can read about it here.

I was reading the story that I've heard a billion times before (and possibly...sang about?) and this little seed of a memory from a sermon floated up and I started wondering how long it took Noah to build the ark. It says in Genesis 7:4 that the Lord told Noah that he was to take his family on the ark because in 7 days time he would release the flood.
So Noah built this ark, that according to the notes in my study bible says in modern measurements, the ark would have been around 450 ft long, 75 ft wide and 45 ft high. There were 3 decks, a roof and a crap ton of animals and food. Even today it couldn't be built in one day. Please note: I can't remember who gave the sermon, I always say it's Ben but I've been listening to a ton of podcasts from various churches, but I'm pretty sure that this is what was said in the sermon. I just can't link it for you.

But imagine what that was like for Noah and his family. Building this ark in the shining sun with not a cloud in the sky, building a boat. That's sort of crazy. His neighbors wander over and ask him what he's doing, what do you think Noah said? "Well God found favor in me, and told me that he's going to drown everyone and everything except my family and I and some animals. What's up with you today?" While I was reading it today I just wondered what that was like. Not to mention when God told Noah to get on the ark because in 7 days he was going to flood the earth. Were the animals already on the ark? Did he spend the 7 days organizing them and then sprinted onto the ark at the last minute as the first raindrops began to spill? I mean that was probably pretty weird to his neighbors too. What do you think they were doing while he was boarding the ark and walking all those animals on there? How did he even get all the animals around, male and female one of each? I don't even know if I could identify the right genitalia of many many animals!

It all just made me think about the times that I've hesitated, turned back, or just acted like I didn't hear God because I wondered what "the neighbors" would think. Not neighbors per say, but my point remains.
I can live with a lot of uncertainty, in fact it would seem most days that I thrive on it....as long as it's on my terms of course. I can live with quiet, private uncertainty. The kind that doesn't run the risk of making me look foolish in front of anyone but Gertrude and Agnes.
It made me think of a quote from the book Under the Overpass: Mike Yankoski that says,
What would I do during my day or in my life for God if I wasn't concerned with what I wear, what I ear, where I sleep, what I own, what people think of me, or what discomforts I face?
I know that God is calling me to be more obedient in time alone with him, to be consistent about real time set aside daily to read the bible. It's a good habit, it's good practice. It forms a foundation and wellspring to draw from that I don't even realize where it's coming from. Like quotes from books and thoughts from sermons that well up and connect across months and years what I read daily even when it doesn't seem to really connect in the moment will be brought back and float up at the time it's needed the most. That's the funny thing about God, he's got all these plans for us and we only know part of them. But I digress...again.

All this has got me wondering what my ark is, what is it that would make me seem foolish to people that I'm refusing to do for fear of what they would think? Is it an action or is my ark just the words I speak to people, what I say and how (if) I say it?
What's your ark?


Pictures: Some things I've been up to

I jammed my finger getting peanut butter out of the car last Sunday, they bruised and now ache. I've taken to taping them to help keep them still in hopes they stop aching and throbbing by 2019. It's making it difficult to type, and even more difficult to wear my diamond ring.
Hmmm, I would let you sweat it out, but since Pete and Jake already know I might as well tell you it's all a farce. Nicole found these super cute rings for not that much and bought me one for my birthday. Since my left ring finger feels substantially claustrophobic at the slightest hint of romantic commitment the ring lives happily on my middle left finger.
So what have I been up to lately? Other then over thinking things and doing 47,000 things at once? I've done some of these things:

I turned the chocolate on the left into the chocolate on the right. Well, not just the chocolate on the right. When all is said and done I'll have poured almost 50 pounds of chocolate into shapes, sizes, suckers and 1 very fun race car. I filled it with pretzels, coconut, peanut butter (see aforementioned hand injury), pecans and crispies. I gave most of it away, but my hips managed to keep some for themselves.

My parents came and stayed at my house over Christmas and we got some stuff accomplished. We replaced the shower head in my bathroom with one of those rain ones, it's like a completely different shower I love it so much now. We installed a programmable thermostat and 5 new door knobs, you can lock the hall bath now! When switching around some light switch plates we discovered that under all the lovely camo paint in the 3rd bedroom is BLOOD red high gloss paint. Yet another stunning example of the bad color (and paint type) choices the previous owners have made. High gloss under high gloss? I should probably just fire bomb that room and start all over again at this rate!

Nicole and I hung out for New Years, I drove up to BG and we hung out at mom and dad's house. We drove around in vain looking for something to eat and ended up sipping mango margaritas at El Zarape and eating ourselves into a Mexican food induced coma. After waking up kicking Nicole's ass at Wii tennis we took a late night dunk in the hot tub wearing swim suits and wool caps. It was quite nice, except when I was walking back to the house and my hand froze to the metal staircase handle! We rang in the new year and went to bed shortly thereafter, but Mom and Dad did let us sleep in until almost 11, that's later then I've slept in for practically a year!
I bought the complete series of M*A*S*H on Amazon for just a little over $100 shipped. 11 seasons, the full movie and other random bonus stuff. It seemed to take FOREVER to get here. So while we were waiting the kitties nested in the living room and Gertrude cuddled up under a warm cozy blanket.
I also found chitlins at Meijer. I didn't buy them because I'm not really sure what they are. But every time I see, hear, or think about Chitlins I think about Jake on the band bus telling me out of no where that he was craving Chitlins and he didn't even know what they were. I don't know who Uncle Lou is, but I'm sure his chitlins are just as good as anyone elses.
Sharen brought her camera cord over and uploaded some of the pictures from my camera. While I couldn't find a damn one of me I liked, I found this HILARIOUS picture of my dad.
I also drank a margarita or two at a house warming party, and maybe some wine....although I can't confirm or deny.


Auld Lang Syne

So what is this? Should I write a what I didn't do in 2008 and what I should in 2009 list out? I couldn't begin to think about what I wanted to say about either of those things, although I've loved reading everyone else's lists. I found myself nodding along and adding their resolutions to the ticker tape scrolling through my head.
I resolved in 2003 to stop making resolutions and I've successfully kept that resolution every day since. I mean, I'll just fail, and lord knows the list of things I've failed at is long enough on it's own without me deliberately adding something to the list.
Are you waiting for the but?

But, the end of 2008 has found me uncomfortably challenged by God. I feel His heavy hands on my heart and on my back pushing me out of my comfort zone. I hear Him calling me into getting very intentional about the time I spend with him. No longer is he satisfied, or at least silent about his dissatisfaction, with my here or there, flying by the seat of my pants devotion to him and time with him alone. To say that the thought of that discipline makes me uncomfortable would be a substantial understatement, and I haven't figured out why. However my sneaking suspicion is laziness, complacency and bad bad habits. We are creature of habits aren't we? I am in the habit of plopping into bed and losing myself in hours long marathons of TV, or spending hours chatting on the phone or literally just staring into space and thinking about.....nothing.
2009 is finding me reflecting more on what it means to have quiet time with God. (I even googled it, which seems really silly now) I'm not sure I know how. As much as I've already prayed it has always seemed to be this awkward exercise in....what? Even know I'm not sure how to classify it.
I'll tell you a secret, don't tell anyone...sometimes I feel like I'm not praying right. Like I'm messing it up, or saying the wrong things, being to formal, or to informal. I spend so much time worried about doing it right that the time I'm trying to spend doing it at all rapidly slips by.

But I am selling myself, heck, I'm selling God short with my unwillingness and worry, with my laziness and complacency. I believe that God is big enough, he is good enough, he is God enough. So maybe I should just get over it and do it already.