Today this ends

I went on a walk in the woods today, with a friend that I love so much. I feel like I can't tell you how much because I can't explain to you why I love him.
I love him in a way that stops me from pursuing any other, I love him in a way that still catches my breath in my throat just at the thought of him.

I went on a walk in the woods today, and thought myself beautiful in your eyes. We walked through the leaves, and crunched them together, reveling in the sound of the impending autumn. We circled the grave stone and read the words, we looked for the horse, but couldn't find him.

I went on a walk in the woods today, with the butterflies in my stomach and the sun in your hair. We sat on the memorial benches, said hello and struck up conversations with strangers. We sat on the porch, looking for the secret passageway and hidden treasure where there was none to find outside of our beating hearts.

I went on a walk in the woods today, with the lightest touch of your hand on my back. We walked and talked of nothing of consequence and of everything important..except one thing.
We talked of trees, squirrels, lavish parties, weddings and dead comedians. We talked of dogs and babies, mustaches and glasses.
I talked about Jesus, you listened longer then usual. I talked about my church, you smiled politely.

I contemplated declaring myself, telling you I loved you so. I opened my mouth agape to ask if we should just come out and talk about this thing that is between us...but I was afraid you wouldn't know what I was talking about. Later, as we said good-bye at the top of the stairs...you, just a tall guy, and me just a shorter girl I almost did it again. Still later, a few other polite good-byes under the belt (she has grown so much since I last saw her) and we are standing in the driveway, and you're touching me still.
A hand on my back
A pinch of my elbow
A brushing of my hair coupled with the wink of your lovely eye
You tease me, asking me where you would live if you moved towards me. I joke back that I'm buying a house big enough for two if only....trailing off I clear my throat and open the car door.
That's it you say, I'm coming with you. Hop in I say, knowing to well that you are not serious. Ah, not today...but it was nice hanging out with you, you too I reply.
A swift lingering hug and I begrudgingly pull out of the driveway.

Thoughts of you encompass my ride home, the what ifs and maybes nearly drowning me on dry land.
I think, if just until tomorrow, I'll pretend it could be like that. It's a game I play far more often then is socially acceptable, so I don't speak about it aloud.
It's a game that I play still.
But tonight, at home, opening my bible a paper falls out with notes from last week.

Continuing down the same path that God has made clear won't end well that I've seen from other people and myself that ends badly, but somehow thinking it will end differently for us, this time.

Then under it, traced over several times and underlined three times two words:

IT WON'T

In this farewell, there's no blood, there's no alibi. Cause I've drawn regret from the truth of a thousand lies. So let mercy come and wash away what I've done. I'll face myself, to cross out what I've become. Erase myself, and let go of what I've done. Put to rest, what you thought of me. While I clean this slate, with the hands of uncertainty. For what I've done. I start again. And whatever pain may come, today this ends. I'm forgiving what I've done.