Barren - (of a place or building) bleak or lifeless

My heart felt so barren. Lifeless if not for the incessant determination of life.

I was done. It was too much this raw aching place I found myself in after the end of it all.
I was blind. To the truth of my shared responsibility in the ending, to the rigidity in which I required people to exist in relationship to me.
I was scared. That no one would stay. That no one would ever see who I was and say it was just enough.  I was scared of my loudness and sudden quietness. I was scared my snark would be considered biting and hurtful instead of a badge of love.

But suddenly one day; in between Mario marathons, unnecessary trips to Target, smarty pants geek games and group texts it was there.

The friends I always knew were out there but could never find all at once, living in the same space. 
The friends I could be snarky with but still whisper scary things to over cheese dip and drinks that taste like skittles.
The friends who heard me. The friends who saw me. The friends that loved me and saw me as just enough. 

And I do love back them so deeply and fiercely. 

My heart feels so full. Overflowing really. With the everyday novelty of hanging out at soccer games, a glass of wine, Mario and house projects. I never knew a heart could be so full. 

And you know what, I'm still scared. But when I tell them they hold the fear in their hands and tell me they're scared too.


Good Things: November

November 1 Landed in Vegas! "I can't go that way, I'm not made for the police bus" "Was that Superman? No it was The Flash" and other shenanigans with Nicole and Keris

November 2 Le Reve like WHOA

November 3 Late night texts that people couldn't understand and flirty Irish bartenders (good things started today at 1201am!

November 4 Home sweet home and owning emotions

November 5 Training class for work means interesting people and social dynamic watching

November 6 Pete: I'm only good at Mario like once a month Me: It must be your time of the month

November 7 Small group conversations that were mostly about farting and pooping

November 8 Early to bed to prep for Stacey moving doesn't mean there wasn't some Mario time

November 9 Moving Stacey in the most efficient way possible and conversations with Amber

November 10 Making fun of Bengals fans at Quaker Steak and a lazy day at home

November 11 I...don't recall. It was probably Mario Kart though

November 12 Successfully did not punch a trainer in the face in light of misogynistic idiocy

November 13 "Me: It's shipping back from Canada Chris: Ok, so returned from overseas? Me: I don't think there's an ocean between Canada & the US" Also, adventures in only so-so food with Pete

November 14 Hilarity at Small Group

November 15 A very sleep Geek Games

November 16 Happy Birthday Nicole! (Also, daybed day!)

November 17 Those clouds sure are hanging low

November 18 Only day straight home after work this week; made it count with all the Marios

November 19 Girlfriends Night Out; now with more off color comments by Mary Jo (which I LOVE)

November 20 Dinner and wonderful conversation with Sharon.

November 21 Lovely night at small group

November 22 Catching Fire day Catching Fire day!

November 23 Bake all the things

November 24 Church in what feels like forever 

November 25 Kitties sleeping so close together without fighting 

November 26 Gorging on cable and toasty warm socks

November 27 Lots of blessings during an accident that could have been way way worse 

November 28 Yummy food and Black Friday fun. FUZZY BLANKET

November 29 Frozen with Matthew. The princess saved herself 

November 30 Fun with the family


Good Things: October

October 1 Government shut down jokes and remarkably accurate economics conversation successfully participated in

October 2 Dinner and Orange Leaf with Stacey. Also, Pete's home from vacation!

October 3 1st night of small group with some of my favorite ladies

October 4 Zach having no idea about the movie "Pretty Woman"

October 5 Make all the signs!

October 6 Little Miami was wet and muddy but it was fun cheering Amber on!

October 7 Straight home from work and Mario Karting

October 8 Therapy, oh blessed therapy

October 9 Pete trying to figure out how to train cats

October 10 Nice conversations with friends encouraging them to be brave

October 11 I went to bed early and slept 10 hours

October 12 Laying like broccoli

October 13 Dinner and games with Alexis, Ryan and Jacob

October 14 Car professionally detailed. So clean and shiny!

October 15 Long drive with Sharen and Matthew includes weather report videos and secret roadtrips to surprise family

October 16 Nice time visiting with Aunt Cathy and Casey and doing a paying party switcheroo at the hotel without Mom and Dad knowing

October 17 Small group and comfy pants

October 18 Packing up Stacey

October 19 Matthew's Special Day!

October 20 Movie Double Feature and Dewey's Pizza (and some freaking out about pirates)

October 21 Realizing I get to move home sooner than I thought from dog sitting this coming weekend.

October 22 Dinner and hangout time with Claire!

October 23 Flashback to YSU days thanks to some Janet Jackson albums on shuffle all day long

October 24 Small group with some lovely people

October 25 Gorging on Season 2 of Newsroom at the dog sitting house

October 26 Clean all the things! Dinner and hanging out with Stacey and Matthew

October 27 Decided on a day bed to buy and finally finish up the 3rd bedroom!

October 28 "Of course you don't care for living with roommates. You haven't found the right one yet"

October 29 Packing round 1, way too many things!

October 30 Packing final round, success! Also, a wonderful run of victory in Mario

October 31 We successfully held off eating ALL THE CANDY until the kids arrived to demand it from us for free. Las Vegas Eve!


Good Things: September

September 1 Shananigans with Jake, Cody, Pete and Stacey and Deweys Pizza. Mmmmmm Deweys Pizza

September 2 CLEAN ALL THE THINGS! But the house sure is nice when it's clean

September 3 Coming home to a clean house is the best

September 4 Bonus at work and weird dreams

September 5 Lunch with Stacey!

September 6 Worship Concert at church

September 7 Buy ALL THE THINGS! Shopping with Sharen, Brenna and eventually Stacey

September 8 Jen singing Roar at church and hang out time with Claire. Getting to say good bye to Shadow

September 9 Fun pool games with Matthew and a good day at work

September 10 Therapy and dinner with Claire talking about how Shadow was such a good dog

September 11 No idea....I think I blacked today out

September 12 Dinner with Sharen and Matthew and leaving work mainly on time

September 13 No work and cleaning all the things 

September 14 Nice day with the whole fam damily

September 15 Happy Birthday, Matthew!

September 16 Made some nice progress on some work projects 

September 17 Girls Night Out now with more cats

September 18 New phone to play with and visiting friends

September 19 Well, the one thing I can say about the hours I've been working is that the overtime is nice

September 20 Silly night with Sharen and Matthew

September 21 Matthew as goalie and shenanigans with Stacey and Pete

September 22 Organized dresser drawers and live tweeting award shows

September 23 Mario Karting

September 24 Leaving work relatively on time

September 25 Stuffed Peppers for dinner; yum!

September 26 When the Bob Evans waitress asked Matthew if he was reading Odyssey

September 27 Ice packs & Gilmore Girls

September 28 Applefest! It's the most wonderful time of the year!

September 29 Watch ALL the Gilmore Girls

September 30 Moved back to my own desk at work!!


Good Things: August

August 1 Amber came and walked Jack with me. She's the nicest!
August 2 Today was musically awesome at work
August 3 Dog park with Stacey
August 4 Lazy Sunday with Jack
August 5 "Bad people aren't allowed to have oil paintings of themselves in their waiting rooms"
August 6 Pete fixed it so I could get "I Was Wrong, I'm Sorry & I Love You" on my phone! This is my happy face!
August 7 It's a shipping miracle! Also, my boss bought us alcohol at 11am the day was otherwise so terrible
August 8 I found Life Advice Cat on twitter and my life is better. Which may be sad, but I don't care
August 9 Multiple friends sending me Cheetos coupons is awesome
August 10 Nicole came to visit!
August 11 Visiting Norman and shopping with Nicole
August 12 Breakfast with Nicole, Sharen and Matthew
August 13 Work adventures driving a rented van and delivering furniture to Covington
August 15 It's nice sitting for a calm and sweet dog when work is sucking the life out of me
August 16 Beer Fairy at work and Music Twin Roomies
August 17 NORMAN! It's bring Norman home day!
August 18 Thank you JESUS I get to move back home for more than 3 consecutive nights
August 19 Meetings with friends about Jesusy things that make my face hurt from smiling
August 20 GNO - Nice to have people to laugh with after a terrible day
August 21 Sweet blessed good night of sleep
August 22 Family night with Sharen and Matthew for the first time in weeks
August 23 Cocooning in my room and finally finishing a book that I read 2/3 of in 1 day then couldn't get back to
August 24 Friend Date Day! Now with more Norman, Sharen and Josh!
August 25 Awesome morning at church; then work. But at least no one was there to inturrupt me
August 26 Hey, apparently you CAN be productive at my job on a work day in August and not just run from fire to fire
August 27 Mario Karting with Pete and Stacey
August 28 Accidental 12 hour day means early bedtime
August 29 Leaving work as close on time as possible
August 30 Jake and Cody are here!!!
August 31 Shenanigans with Jake and Cody


Good Things: July

July 1 Let the busy season at work begin. But first a short work week!

July 2 Last night at home; I miss my bed so much when it's gone

July 3 Hellllooooo cable at the dogsitting house!

July 4 4 day weekend!

July 5 Oh how I loved having today off work. Even if it was rainy all day

July 6 Lazy day with Jack

July 7 Like whoa

July 8 Home. For almost a week! How novel!

July 9 Therapy is always my good thing

July 10 Getting ready for mom and dad to visit is easier when the house isn't a hot mess all the time

July 11 Doctor visit for the 1st time in 5 years. Apparently when they're trying to examine you you shouldn't try to hop off the table. I bought myself ice cream as a reward.

July 12 Mom and Dad are here!

July 13 Nice day with Mom and Dad and a yummy cookout for the family bday celebration

July 14 Early EARLY morning breakfast with mom and dad then 6 hours at the vets. Thankful for my vet and their pricing.

July 15 I like when Stacey lives with us

July 16 GNO - Good friends that are so supportive I feel surprised but I shouldn't. They're lovely people

July 17 Lovely friends who love Agnes as much as I do (despite someones protests coughPetecough)

July 18 Ugly crying at the vet and then being exhausted. I'm sure there was a good thing but I can't find it.

July 19 Birthday Pool day. The ability to bring Agnes home for a night and good friends that go places with you and do the hard things

July 20 I put Agnes to sleep today. But hey....Amber spent all day with me and cheered me up in exactly the way I needed. She's lovely.

July 21 Home from the dogsitting house for awhile. Sad being home without Agnes though :(

July 22 I helped make dinner! Pete is sooooo lucky

July 23 I like when Stacey stays with us

July 24 Last night at home for awhile. Oh how I'll miss my bed

July 25 "You know what the weird thing is? His girlfriend left him and he still went on the trip!!" No. No Brian that was not the weird thing

July 26 Dinner with Alexis!

July 27 Fun birthday with family (blood and non)

July 28 Homearama and happy 3rd roommateaversary

July 29 NORMAN

July 30 It's not necessarily a good thing but I had to have a conversation I would never have imagined I'd have to have with someone at work. There was much awkward laughter composing that email. Oh my goodness

July 31 Monica looking for the ok button (that's in her computer) all over her desk top before realizing what she was doing. I laughed until I cried and so did she. We both needed that.


Good Things: June

June 1 Nice nap at the dogsitting house, like woke up feeling drugged I slept so hard

June 2 Good morning at church, lunch with friends, another nap and dinner with Pete

June 3 OMG, Revolution! Even though I hate him sometimes JJ Abrams is my good thing for today

June 4 Pete is a terrible helper of irrational anger. Amber is the best helper. Also, 11 hour days

June 5 Lunch with Stacey! It makes all the things better!

June 6 I didn't die of frustration at work. This is my only good thing today

June 7 Relatively drama free event and sleeping in my own bed for the 1st time this month

June 8 Amber, Stacey, Pete, Sharen and Matthew time!

June 9 New dogsitting gig, complete with setting off the alarm accidentally.

June 10 Playing in the yard with dogsitting dog. My cats don't fetch nearly enough.

June 11 I say it every month, but I love therapy

June 12 Dogsitting is a nice gig, the money is awesome. But I miss my house. Last night away from home for a bit!

June 13 Home! For at least a week!

June 14 Dinner and games with Amber, Darren, Stacey, Dorothy & Larry. Dainty lady hands

June 15 Swimming! Man of Steel! Porn Wong! Awkwardly Straight!

June 16 Root Beer Stand with Pete, Sharen and Matthew

June 17 Straight home from work for the first time in too long

June 18 Graeters after GNO

June 19 Being brave at small group

June 20 Giggly family night with Sharen and Pete


June 22 Pool time with Matthew

June 23 Even though it doesn't feel like a good thing the sermon today was everything I needed

June 24 Some quiet pool time after a long hard day

June 25 Pool time when it was still HOT and homemade dinner delivered to the pool area by the best roommate in the history of roommates. My love language is quality time and acts of service and friend is loving me well. No way to say it without it being awkward and making him have to move out because we can't look each other in the eyes anymore.

June 26 Lovely time with lovely ladies at small group tonight

June 27 Applebee's, nice conversation and family

June 28 Night in with Mario, Pete and wine

June 29 Dinner for Darren's birthday and Avenue Q with favorites

June 30 Good friends caring for each other in the morning and trying to convince Stacy to move in