Daryl and Katie

I first met Daryl probably the late winter 2006. I interviewed for a job at the bookstore he managed at the time for a job as his assistant manager. I got the job. I started the job April of that same year and the day before I started Daryl got very sick and landed himself in the hospital, pretty close to dying. After he recovered he wasn't allowed to speak because of the damage done to his vocal cords while he was ill. So I met his wife, Katie, on the phone in the weeks that followed. I didn't meet her in person until a few months after that.
In a lot of ways I felt like this punk kid bossing around other punk kids at the bookstore. But I was determined to do a good job. I was going to school full time as well at the time.
Once Daryl came back we settled in and got along great. He's a really funny guy and we would have great conversations about different very important spiritual things. Daryl introduced me to the majority of good Christian music that I listen to. He and I also share an affinity for Kanye West as well (much to his wife's chagrin). He used to have his mp3 player on at work early in the morning and would be belting out Gold Digger at the top of his lungs, although to his credit he does edit out the profanity.

Katie began working in customer service at my current company and worked with Dan. She decided without really knowing Dan or I that we would be a good match and she set us up.

Things were becoming increasingly dramatic at the store Daryl and I worked at. The employees liked to try to pit us against each other like mom and dad. No matter how many times we told them we talked to each other about all their drama they didn't believe that we actually did. I was about at the end of my rope when Katie covertly recruited me to work at her company. I applied and interviewed and ultimately had to tell Daryl that his wife snatched me right out from under his nose. In fact, when I told him I had to talk to him he literally said, "You better not be telling me that Katie got you a job at " Whoops.
So I left the bookstore as my main job (although I still help out from time to time) and started working with Katie. She and I were already borderline friends and working together just sealed the deal. We still work for the same company, she just moved into another department.
The four of us, Katie and Daryl, Dan and I, would hang out and go out for birthdays and just to hang out. We played Wii a lot and just generally had a good time. Daryl and I would continue to have conversations about very important spiritual topics and Katie and I started talking about those things too.

I would also occasionally get caught in between the two of them when they would argue. It was never truly awful, I just felt uncomfortable because I was pretty sure I shouldn't really be in the middle of what was a discussion between a husband and a wife. Eventually I told them both that and it's been lovely ever since.
They helped plant a Saturday night church at their church (I never can explain it right...) and Katie runs children's and Daryl sings on the worship team and runs the sound/projection stuff (that's not the technical name but I don't know the technical name) It's been really awesome to see that church grow and Katie and Daryl grow through their leading at the church. I get to visit occasionally and always have a great experience.
It's sort of hard to quantify what it is that I enjoy so much about my friendships with Daryl and Katie. The friendships are at the same time sarcastic and hilarious as serious and thought provoking.

Daryl and I have our differences, most recently about the death penalty but I love having the conversations with him about it because I trust him, even if I don't agree with his theology. Just the musical experiences he has given me through introducing me to David Crowder, Leeland, Tenth Avenue North and so many others has changed me. The lyrics and just basic music has touched me so deeply and Daryl seemed to introduce them all to me at just the right time. He's forced me to really think through why I believe things and if I really should because of the "debates" we have had at the book store and over dinner. We both have a similar sense of humor and it was an absolute blast getting to work with (and hang out with) someone that you laughed so hard with.
Daryl is a really nice guy. Sometimes its to his detriment that he is a nice guy because he can have a tendency to let things go or not mention that he's upset until he's about to blow. But I believe that at the core of that is a true desire to please people and help them get along. He has a huge heart and like anyone with a heart a little to large for their body knows that can lead to disappointment and hurt. He handles it well though, most of the time.

Katie and I got to be friends over the phone and then working together. We have conversations about things like the definition of gossip, legalism, shoes and purses. It runs the gamut. Katie is very important because she has an i-Phone.
Once when Daryl was out of town Katie, Dan and I went out to dinner. After we were going to follow her out to their old house to hang out. About halfway to the middle of nowhere Katie calls my phone and says, "Don't worry, I'm not going to kill you and chop you up. We're almost to the house." Dan looked at me and said, "Wouldn't it be funny if she did. We would totally look at each other in heaven and say, 'I did NOT see that coming!'"
I get to climb up on my soapbox with Katie, which is my favorite past time some days. She lets me spout off for awhile and then she'll say, but what about.... and I'm done in. I love the perspective she brings to things and the way she laughs at herself and life in general. At least with me, it's very rare to see Katie in a bad mood or dejected about things. I mean, she gets upset or worn out sometimes...but it's rare that I see it last long. I love that about her.

Through Daryl and Katie I've learned to hold my own and really refine what it is exactly that I believe and why. I've learned to laugh at myself and how to be better about not cussing in front of kids (sorry Charlie and Sydney!) I learned how to kick ass (there's that darn cussing) at the Wii at their house, theirs was the first Wii I ever played. I've learned to be careful not only what I say, but how I say it because that send a stronger message sometimes then the words you actually speak. I learned how to deliver the line "that's what she said" flawlessly. Daryl and Katie have welcomed me into their home on holidays and even sent me home with leftovers. In general I rarely feel like the 3rd wheel in a coupled up situation. But with these two my friendships with both of them seem to make it even less likely, I would even venture to say that in all the hours I've spent hanging out with them together I've never felt that way.

I'm really glad that I met Daryl and Katie and that we still all talk and hang out. I look forward to many more discussions, laughter and fierce Wii competitions to come.

Claire

The first time I met Claire was the day lifegroups launched for the first time at my church. I had fallen in love with the life groups at my old church and decided to jump into one at 4Corners. I went to Claire's table because she had cookies. (What? I love cookies!) This was spring of 2005. I was never not in a life group again until just recently, and I'll be joining up in one again here soon.
Claire was the first person that I really got to know at my church. I was really terrified to go to her life group meetings because I was pretty sure no one would like me. They were probably all smarter than me and they would realize that I stink at this Jesus stuff and :insert any number of self-concious things here: In some ways I still feel that way whenenever starting a new group. Through her group I would meet Justin and Bobbie, who will have their own post later in this series. I also met Courtney there (who told me yesterday she's reading these so Hi Courtney!)

Claire's lifegroup gave me a lot of confidence in asking questions and sorting through a lot of baggage I was holding on pretty tightly to. I was in that group through the things that happened that brought all of the childhood happenings with John, Mae and Betty to light. That group, and Claire specifically, really held me down and grounded me when the drama of those few years threatened to blow me away. I learned about prayer from Claire, about worship and about a real life not always pretty but always worth it realationship with Jesus from her. She and her husband Fred have taken me in and loved me in a simply refreshing way.
When I would try to spout some of my bullshit about myself Claire would just tell me over and over again, "You know that's just not true right?" Whenever I would miss church or life group Claire would call and "touch base" which made me feel so wanted and included. It never felt like something she was just doing to do, but it truly felt like she cared where I was. At times when I sometimes felt like I was drowning in baggage and drama hearing her voice on the end of the phone was a true life line.

Our lifegroup disbanded in 2006 and I was pretty sure I'd never find another life group like that one. I was right on some levels, but on another, it's good that we all moved into different groups. I've learned so much from each of them and some of my favorite friendships at 4 Corners were birthed out of life groups.
Even after our group ended I would chat with Claire on the phone, I dog sat at their house and just generally hung out. Claire and I would hang out and just chat. We'd have dinner or give each other books to read.
Claire challenges me to deepen my relationship with Jesus and to step out boldly as a leader. When I was floundering and wondering why on earth anyone would want me to lead anything she called me out of the blue (although I realize it was no coincedence) and told me that she was proud of me and knew that I was going to be great.

The other thing I love about Claire is seeing her relationship with Fred. Like Ben and Jill I have no illusion that theirs is a perfect strife free marriage. But, I see the way they handle each other and interact. I see that they don't coddle and back down, but they aren't needlessly cruel (or really cruel at all). Even when they argue you can see the mutual respect in the arguement, which does a world weary single girl good to see. One time, back when 4 Corners was still at the high school, Fred had gone out of town on a camping trip. I was sitting with Claire and Fred showed up at church when he wasn't supposed to be home until later. He snuck in and sat beside Claire and they both just lit up. It was terribly cute to witness.

Claire has taught me so much about having a relationship with Christ and how to live that out every day. She's shown me how to have humor in the face of sad things and that I should be more confident in the ability that God has gifted me with. I can't imagine these last few years without Claire's friendship and wisdom and I'm very glad that I decided I needed a cookie that spring morning.

Alaina

I met Alaina in Mr. Rosche's English class in 7th grade 1991. At the end of 7th grade, 1992 I invited her to crash my sisters end of the school year pool party in my backyard. Nicole and I were on the outs and I liked Alaina a lot.
We pretended to be sports broadcasters while Sharen and her friends played volleyball, we swam and ate and played and just generally sealed the beginning of one of my favorite friendships.
We generally continued in this exact same fashion for the rest of school, into university and up until 5am Monday June 29th and beyond. I love hanging out with Alaina. We can talk about serious things, and sometimes we do. But generally, what we do best is giggle and make witty and intelligent observations about what's happening around us. (And we're very very humble)
Alaina and I have an easy sort of friendship that is deceptive to some people. Because sometimes, it seems like we just do nothing together. We just wander around and laugh and chit chat. But it's all of those small things that have built up the foundation of one of my longest friendships.
We've laughed through break ups and make ups, deaths of family members, moves all over Ohio, living together and going from spending virtually every moment together to hardly seeing each other. Though it all, the laughter and comfortability connects us.
Alaina is the first person I created inside jokes with so pervasive that we can just look at each other in any given situation and burst into laughter. It's a habit that drives our other friends, and often significant others absolutely batty. We've had to learn to temper some of that because it also causes people to feel left out, which we don't mean to do. We wrote an underground mock newspaper in high school and I still have some copies at my house. We couch surfed on that crazy red sofa in her basement, drank Kool-Aid (or was it Hi-C?) and tequila, had a few to many jello shots, swam in the wee hours of the morning at my house, drove through a tornado. Once I fell asleep on the remote and made her watch Texas Chainsaw Massacre in the pitch black basement at my parents house. She's still a little mad at me about that...
It's hard to quantify what makes my friendship with Alaina so meaningful, because it can seem so trivial to those on the outside. But she has my history. That's invaluable and undefinable.
When we graduated high school in 1997 we both went to Youngstown State University. I loved living with Alaina in that tiny room in Lyden Hall. We would talk late into the night and I would wake her up when I thought a killer had broken into our dorm room. (Turns out it was just My Buddy doll on top of the wardrobe). She drove me to the ER when I broke my right foot at a party and drove to get me saltines so my 19 year old self could sober up while I waited for a drive by to be taken care of. When I walked in the dorm room with my air cast Alaina would cue up "Bring in the gimp" from Pulp Fiction and I would cue up the Hallelujah Chorus when she would come back from class. We tried to be psychic at 2 in the morning, "Ok what color am I thinking of...now" I chased her up and down her bed with a trash can early one morning after a particularly boisterous night out with Lori and woke her up when she fell asleep in the bathroom. We discovered toilet corn (someone candy corned the toilets on our floor one halloween, we did not eat that candy corn just to be clear) and wondered how one person could actually eat that much cottage cheese in one sitting.
When I decided to drop out of YSU, just before they invited me to leave, I was scared to tell her because I didn't want to disappoint her. But she was encouraging and told me that she wanted me to do what I needed to do. It was hard getting used to not being with her everyday.
She stayed in Youngstown for awhile, then came back to Clyde for a bit. During the time she was back in Clyde she worked at the carryout with me where Denise would later be killed. We went out every Friday to a bar in Sandusky and often made treks to Akron until the wee hours of the morning. I made fun of her bracelet (which she didn't appreciate).
The night Denise was killed I was called by someone I worked with at Whirlpool around 11pm. I ran out of the house without pants on and my mom chased after me with shorts. My mom and I got to the carryout amidst police cars and ambulances and I just had no idea what to do or how to move forward. I don't know exactly how, I think my mom called Alaina's house, we could have just gone over and woken them up maybe, I can't remember. My mom had to go home because she worked in the morning and she needed to tell my dad what was happening. I didn't want to be alone, that's all I knew. So I stayed at Alaina's house and we sat up on her balcony until almost 6am just staring off into the dark and occasionally talking. I just kept repeating, "I can't believe this happened. It just can't be real". Alaina would nod and offer a few words. But mostly we just sat in silence. Without making it to dramatic (which I realize I'm not doing a good job at) the history to that point of our friendship allowed for that night. I didn't need someone that asked me a million questions about the night, I didn't need someone that would cry and moan about what happened. I needed that relative silence. That safety of knowing that I didn't have to say anything and still be completely understood.

Alaina moved back to Youngstown, I moved to Bowling Green and then Cincinnati in the years that followed. Eventually, (2005 maybe?) she moved to Cincinnati too. It was sometimes hard to readjust to seeing each other so much again. For several years it had been weekends here and there and phone calls. We had a falling out for awhile, during which time I missed her tremendously. But we made up, as friends do when they love each other deeply.
A little over a week ago we took a road trip that kept me up for 23 1/2 hours and her well over 30. We drove 9 hours together that day and didn't get sick of each other once (at least I didn't)

Alaina and I have been together make ups and break ups, coming outs and going outs, fights and making up. Much like my friendship with Nicole Alaina has my history. Other than my sister and Nicole, Alaina is my oldest friend. She has taught me that deep conversations can happen without saying a word. My friendship with her has taught me the power of a look and a raised eyebrow at just the right moment can dissolve a person into giggles. I learned that a friend silently sitting beside you, going through the grief, the drama, the heartache, can speak louder than a million platitudes. Because that's who Alaina is to me. She is my history keeper and sharer. She understands that even though I talk a lot, there is room for necessary silence. In that silence we often hear each other speak clearly and we understand. Maybe there was something to us trying to read each others minds back at YSU, because the history between us has allowed for that to happen.

Nicole

I don't actually remember the first time I met Nicole. I know it was in 6th grade, because we were inseparable the summer between 6th and 7th grade. That was my green tank top and Camp Wanake red sweatshirt summer. It was the summer of Josh and hiding behind the soda machines at the old BP while spying on her brother and Josh. We built blanket tents in the basement using all of her grandmas clothes pins and playing Nintendo NES for hours on end. That also might have been the summer of Nicole's first kiss, I'm a little confused on the time line, but perfectly clear on the cheese factor. "Just look at the stars Nicole, just look at the stars" This was all circa 1991, we were 11.
That summer before 7th grade we spend long hours in my parents pool and trekking by bike to get some ice cream. We would camp in her front yard and she would make me sleep on the road side of the tent...because, if a car ran off the road in the night it might hit me and stop before it got to her. Real nice Nicole, real nice!
Sometime in this time frame we had a sleepover at her friend Christina's house, Christina lived in my old friend Tara's house. We stayed in a pop up camper in the backyard. That night was the only night until 2003 that I told someone I wanted to kill myself. We were playing truth or dare as young girls will and I was dared to tell my deepest secret. So I told them. I don't remember what Christina said, but Nicole told me not to because it was dumb and she didn't want me to.
In 7th grade at some point Nicole and I got in a fight. She said I was embarrassing her and she wished I just would go away. So I did. Nicole and I didn't really talk that much at the end of 7th grade and most of the summer after.
Sometime towards the end of that summer we just started hanging out again. I can't really remember what happened or why, but we were just back to hanging out and being friends.
We had our ups and downs, Nicole wrote me a few notes that had the opening sentence "I don't mean to be a bitch but...". I prioritized poorly between boyfriends and friends and we were both caught up in the drama that is being a teenage girl.

We continued on much like this through high school and college. We both had a rough time in college, mine was just reflecting in my grades more than hers (she always was a smarty pants...the kind that thinks she failed a test and she really got a 98%....lucky). There were so many nights that we would stay on the phone for hours at a time just listening to each other breathe, or cry. We talked through dropping out of college with each other and when we both moved home we hung out with each other trying to figure out what exactly we should do with ourselves now.
In 2000 when my friend was killed Nicole showed up at Alaina's house early in the morning and was there when I woke up and was the person I asked if it really happened. She drove me home to my house so I could get showered. She drove me back to my friends house and hung out there for awhile with me.
When I would leave my friends house each day I would call her and make her come be with me at my parents house. I didn't cry for several days, but the day I finally broke I drove to Nicole's house and collapsed on her sofa.
Nicole was the person that I told, in a bar on Put-In-Bay, that I wanted to marry John and I didn't really want to crawl around the bars anymore. She was also the first person I called in 2002 when John and I broke up. She drove up to Bowling Green and stayed in my apartment with me. She once again spent hours on the phone listening to me breathe and cry and just helped me talk through what this all meant now.
Nicole came to church when I got baptized in September 2003. Cedar Creek had put up two giant crosses and put up our printed testimonies on them. After Nicole read mine she cried and we hugged and it was so amazing to be able to share that day with her. On the way down the stairs once I changed after being dunked I fell down the stairs. My right butt cheek was black it was so bruised. For a few weeks after that Nicole didn't believe that my butt hurt as bad as it did, and she kept hitting it telling me that I was a wuss. So I totally mooned her. After which she believed me... :-)

Nicole helped me move to Cincinnati, and then move 4 times in 4 years. We lifted the heaviest and longest 1970s sofa up some apartment stairs, and we felt totally bad ass doing it. Nicole is still in Clyde where we grew up, working towards her pharmaceutical degree (is it 2011 yet?). We just got to hang out at Soak City last weekend with our nephews and my nieces. At one point her nephew Matthew was talking to my nephew Matthew and her Matthew said, "I think that we're cousins". That's pretty indicative of Nicole and I's relationship. We might as well be related, we can't shake each other.

Like any good friendship we've had some crazy ups and downs. We've yelled at each other and cried on each others shoulders. We've laughed until we've cried (and Nicole has laughed so hard she's fallen off my bed and gotten stuck in the crack). We've lived life together. We've been through deaths of grandparents, marriages of siblings and she was with me during the family drama years around 2004-2005. She sat next to me at the farm auction and we reminisced about the time we drove my mom's dad's Rascalesque cart into a ditch on a way back farm lane.

My friendship with Nicole has taught me the importance of sticking with friendships. We have been friends for 19 years and just know each others history. Nicole is one of the handful of people that I'm still very close to that knew me before and after my conversion. She's seen me do all sorts of dumb things and she still loves me (and vice versa). She has taught me that while it can be easy to take for granted that type of friendship, you should work to never do that. I can't imagine a time when Nicole and I won't be friends, when we won't be family. Because other than a pesky difference in biology for all intents and purposes she is my sister too.

Ben

The first time I met Ben I was wearing a white castle t-shirt and running out of church. Service at the church he leads just let out and I had to jet to work. The 2nd time I met Ben was a few weeks later at Family Christian Stores where I worked. I was in the throes of a church temper tantrum because I had clearly heard God call me to move to Cincinnati and now here I was, almost a year in and I hadn't found a church I loved as much as the one He pulled me out of. It was spring 2005 and I had moved to Cincinnati the previous June. I was working at Family Christian Store, and while I love working there I met a lot of mean pastors. When Ben walked in with his daughter Ellen I started paying attention. I wanted to see how he treated his daughter, how he treated the employees right before the store closed. Not only was he kind he was attentive to the fact that the store was about to close and made sure to get in and out in a timely manner. If you've ever worked in retail, you know how important that is. As I was checking him out I let him know that I went to his church and that was that. I knew that I had found my church in Cincinnati. I had suspected it before, but seeing a glimpse that Ben practiced what he preached really sealed the deal with me.
Now I do know that pastors are just regular people and they have bad days too. I don't want you to think that I expected him to be perfect or flawless. But you can have a bad day and still be kind, or at the very least just don't speak and take it out on others.

4 Corners will have its own post later in the series, but Ben specifically has really influenced and changed the course of my life. Through his sermons yes, but since I've started leading outreach, Washington Project specifically he has really just plainly called out in me things I wasn't even really aware were there. How timely then that his sermon today (6/28) was on building your influence in other people and calling out what God has for them. My prayer is that I can do the same for others, that I'm doing the same for others right now.

Sometimes I get all twisted around in my head and still find myself hearing the voices and words of people that used to tell me that I wasn't really anything. It's something that I really struggle with. Sometimes I'm overwhelmed with the fear and lack of confidence. I said something about this to him once in a meeting and he said, "You need to just get over that". It was abrupt enough and straight forward enough that it was like a shock to my system. He told me about something that Martin Luther (I think) said and told me to sin boldly. To understand that I can't do these things without Christ and that I'm going to make mistakes but that there's a grace that covers that. (I still feel like I can't adequately say what it is that he said, only that it struck me right in the core.) I trust his heart and the intentions behind what he says and does. Like he spoke about today (6/28) he has built up that respect and trust so he can speak more directly and with more authority than some others to my life. It's not always comfortable, in fact, I've been pretty much living outside my comfort zone for almost a year now, but I know that through all of this God is leading me towards a full life according to his purpose and Ben has been key to helping me along that path.
I love that he speaks as directly as that, challenging all of us at 4C to read the bible ourselves and pray faithfully and fervently. Letting us know that God calls us to do those things so that our life can be as full as He longs for it to be.

The other side of Ben that has influenced me is the way Ben treats his family. Families are hard sometimes but I really admire the way that he speaks to and about his wife and kids. Sometimes I feel surrounded by couples that snip and swipe at each other publicly and it really gets me down. I'm under no impression that Ben and Jill never fight, but it really is a blessing to see a man that honors his family through his actions and words. It does a relationally weary single girl good to see that marriage should be something more than many of the relationships I see around me.

Because of Ben's influence both corporately as the lead pastor of 4C and as my staff person for leading outreach I am being bolder than I ever thought possible and loving every terrifying minute of it.

John, Mae, and Betty

I don't have any good memories of Mae or Betty. The good memories of John I have are tainted with what would turn out to be a lifetime of deception and hypocrisy.
Mae and John are my mom's parents. Betty is her sister. Even though it is just semantics I really don't like calling them my Grandparents and Aunt anymore.
It is my belief that Mae was a deeply unhappy woman. I don't know enough of her story, but I know a bit. Her father (my great-grandfather) remarried a woman that was only 2 years older than Mae when she was a teenager. This woman would do something to offend Mae and Mae held a grudge, nursed it and spoke about it, for over 60 years.
When I was 3 my Uncle Johnny died and word on the street is that I climbed up on the Catholic kneeling stool and climbed into the coffin with him. Because Uncle Johnny was always sleeping when I got to the farm (where my mom grew up) and I would climb on his stomach and wake him up to play. My parents told me that Johnny was sleeping, so clearly it was my job to wake him up to play. At 16 Mae told me that I was a nasty selfish girl for doing that to her at Johnny's funeral and that she would never forgive me.
I was the youngest, and Mae decided the youngest was spoiled and rotten. She never hesitated to make sure I knew that through action or word. She would call Sharen and I into the kitchen and ask us if we wanted ice cream sandwiches. (Who would say no to that?) When we said yes, she would give one to Sharen and tell me that I was a horrible child and didn't deserve one. Then she would walk out of the kitchen.
When Mae died, I tried really hard to think of a good memory with her. I just couldn't find one.

Betty was (and is I suppose although we no longer speak)a controlling and vindictive woman. There were always secrets growing up, and you can bet that Betty was at the center of them. I loathe secrets, because Betty and Mae taught me the damage that can be done through them. Betty told me when I was 16 that my great Aunt Ellen (who will have her own post) hated me. That she would tie my hands with an apron to the stove and boil large pots of water and threaten to tip them over me. In short, she said that Ellen was always complaining what a selfish and terrible child I was and that she just wished I was dead.
My theory is that Betty was jealous of my mom. Because Betty wanted girls and she only had boys. Because my dad is an amazing man and she had one very secretive and very shameful first marriage annulled and a second marriage to a man that seemed just as unhappy as she was. But that's only a theory. I can't remember when exactly, but when I was 8 or 9 Betty pulled me aside in the sun porch and told me that if I ever didn't want to live with my mommy and daddy anymore here are the things I would need to tell an adult to make that happen. I couldn't figure out why I wouldn't want to live with my mom and dad anymore, they were fun and we did fun things all the time. My mom's imagination was more than enough hours of fun for any little girl.

John, when I was growing up John was my hero. He was larger than life and I always felt a little hen pecked by Mae and Betty. We would go fishing and on long drives through the country. He would pop in our house and take us for ice cream. He told these amazing stories about how to catch fish by making them drunk and when I got older he showed me a "fool proof" way to pick up the fellas. (It never actually worked) John would tell me that my word was my bond. That my word was the most important thing and I should keep it. He said that honesty is the best policy and hard work will get you anywhere you want to go.
After his death, I found out he was the biggest hypocrite of them all. He lied, he stole (essentially, some would call it "de-frauding). He was the mastermind behind a tight ship operation that Betty and Mae were privy to. Some days, when I look to closely at the wounds from that I still feel as crushed as the day my dad told me about him.

Things happened, where all of this came to light. See mom and dad didn't know anything about what Mae and Betty were up to when I was a kid. Because they would say terrible things about my mom and I knew somehow that I needed to protect her from them. But things happened after Mae and John died and it all came to light.
Why would I tell you such things? Because I learned so incredibly much through the process.

Mae and Betty became beacons for me. Beacons on how to not live my life. I come from a long line of grudge holders and it was very difficult for me to move past this. When left to my own tendencies I don't doubt that I could nurse a 60 year old grudge. They were needlessly cruel, as if that cruelty somehow soothed their own wounds (which somehow I think they did). They were paranoid and secretive, which pushes me to be an over sharer. (I'm still working on the paranoid thing...at least with buglers) Mae and Betty were selfish women and I don't want to be anything like them. They affirm for me that we are all leaving a legacy behind whether we try to or not. I ask myself, because of them, what I want my legacy to be.

John, John is a different story. A sadder story for me. It has been almost 4 years since the news of his hypocrisy hit my ears and tears still spring to my eyes when I think of him. John has challenged what I thought forgiveness looked like and challenges it still. It is painful for me to hear people speak well of him, to speak of him at all. As silly as it sounds, I can't hardly stand to look at the bear he gave me when I was one. This bear that I carried around with me everywhere through high school. This bear that lived for a good 3 years under a pile of clothes in my closet because I just couldn't stand to think of the good memories of John attached to him. John taught me the power of lies. Because every single word, action, and memory attached to him has been decimated by his lies. His lies that weren't even about me, but that devastate me still. John has me questioning what is honesty, what is lying. Is lying by omission still lying? I have dreams, the most recent was just a few weeks ago, about discovering something else from his life that was a complete fraud.
There is something about lying, deception and fraud that knock you off center and leave you off balance for years to come.
I had to forgive these 3 everyday for years after God began schooling me in forgiveness. I've been able to move past that with Mae and Betty, but this morning...this morning I had to get up and forgive John again. Because it still really hurts to think that this larger than life guy that taught me so much about honesty and integrity was a complete and total fraud. John is still teaching me how far the ripples of such devastation run.

This will be by far my saddest entry on this list. I thought for awhile about not even including them. But who I am has been drastically altered because of these three. I still hear Mae and Betty's words in my head whenever I attempt something new, when I meet new people. I hear them telling me that I'm a stupid, nasty girl and it is very difficult still for me to not believe them. When people show or tell me things about their character my first instinct is to doubt them, to believe that there is something sinister and deceptive going on underneath the surface because of the shock to my system the revelation about John was. Those things are not fair. They're not. My relationships with these three have taught me who not to be, and it turns out that is just as impactful as being taught who to be.

Dan and Pete

Dan and Pete are sharing a post, because I met Pete through Dan and frankly I ran out of spaces on the list and wanted them both on it.
I met Dan first, I was set up with him by Katie (who will have her own shared post with her husband later on in this series). At the time Dan and I started dating I hadn't dated anyone for four years. Nary a date or a serious flirtation for four years. Needless to say I was very nervous for our first date.
After chatting online for a few weeks, and a rain check because Bob died (Bob, who will have his own post later as well), Dan rolled up to my apartment and we went to see the movie Talladega Nights. He would later tell me that my laugh made him jump because it was so obnoxiously loud, but what can I say, that movie is hilarious.
Dan and I went on to "date" for about another year and a half. Which sounds a lot more serious than I think it actually was. We never really seemed to connect on that level I don't think...or at least not at the same time. But even though the dating didn't work out that well the friendship blossomed. Dan isn't really like anyone that I've known before. He's is very kind and generous and has a razor sharp sense of humor. He's also very hard on me and is one of the few people that speak to me so directly about so many sensitive things; I 100% know that he is telling me things because he wants the best for me, not because he's an asshole.

I was very apathetic about dating in general. I enjoyed being friends with him, laughing and just hanging out. The dating stuff was just sort of icing on the cake I suppose. That certainly didn't help the odds of it turning serious.
I had a lot of late night phone calls from Dan, usually one of us would be....less than sober. It was during those conversations that I would share more with him than usual(because chances were he wouldn't remember the conversation anyway).
We just had a lot of fun together. We went fishing, played a lot of Skip-Bo (which I kicked his ass at) trolled thrift shops and fought over words during Boggle. We just hung out and had fun.
After awhile, apathy is just not something that can be sustained in dating I suppose. Things were happening and I was becoming more confident and outgoing, thanks in no small part to Dan's encouraging and outright shoving. During one late night phone call Dan suggested that we downshift to just friends. More so, he pointed out something that I had been feeling for a long time, that we weren't going to be anymore serious than we were at that time and in some ways our relationship was distracting me and hurting my relationship with Jesus.
That was the best gift that Dan has ever given me. Permission to stop and walk away (from dating, not from being friends).

Dan called out in me a lot of things that I often refuse to see in myself. He gave me a confidence back that I had misplaced along the way and refused to let me talk any of my bullshit around him. Dan makes me laugh and helps me not take myself to seriously. If I make the mistake of taking myself to seriously or get to upset he tells me about the time he punched his neighbors bunny and I can't help but laugh about the ridiculous lengths he goes to to make the people he cares about laugh.
In a completely unexpected and lovely way Dan also encouraged in me a boldness about my relationship with Jesus and the courage to step out and lead in a way that I would have never believed myself capable of.
Dan was the person that got me on Myspace (because he wouldn't agree to a face to face meeting with me until he saw that I wasn't some repulsive 2-headed man-child) and Myspace got me to start writing again in a way that I hadn't written for a very long time. He asked me at Paddlefest a few weeks back to be sure I gave him credit for that too...

Then there's Pete. Pete, Pete, Pete.
Pete of the code names so pervasive that even now I can't for the life of me tell you what his brothers real name is, only that I call him Julio for a reason I can't actually remember. I stalked Pete's blog through Dan's Myspace page and loved the stories of his meetings with the Pope. (I think you should bring the Pope back Pete, seriously). Sometimes I meet new people and I get this urgent feeling that we're going to be friends and that I have to make sure it happens. That happened with several people on this list and it happened with Pete. But seeing as I was dating Dan I didn't want him to think I was this creepy stalking girl (which I just am and I'm learning to accept that) so I just silently read and followed along on his blog. Ultimately I told Dan and he encouraged Pete and I to connect (I found out later that he thought Pete and I would make a good match, which we would but it's just not happening folks so move along...there's nothing to see here). I first met Pete in real life in 2007 I believe. I was taking him a computer monitor I didn't want anymore and he needed. He offered to carry in the monstrosity from my car, I said no I wanted to take him to the gun show (because I'm a massively socially awkward person that says stupid things to try to make you laugh...)
That first conversation is pretty much a good indication of what the rest of Pete and I's relationship is about. One or both of us say awkward things and then we giggle for a long time about it and make it an inside joke. (Jeeves! Open houses, camping in my apartment parking lot, we'll be right there we just woke up, did you see Bethany brought a MAN to church etc etc etc) Pete's working on selling his store in northern Ohio and moving to Cincinnati, into my basement. I can't hardly wait. He's agreed to chase the killers away. I get on my soapbox a lot with Pete, because he nods and smiles most of the time to placate me.
But I can't wait for Pete to move in.
Pete has absolutely no idea what a good guy he is. I mean some people don't know but Pete just has no clue and sometimes seems to refuse to let other people tell him. He jokes to deflect being uncomfortable and shy and says a lot of terrible things to and about himself. It breaks my heart, and I recognize it as a characteristic in myself.
Pete has shaped me with his laughter and companionship. Others on this list have done it as well, but for a reason I'm having a difficult time articulating Pete stands out a little from the rest of the crowd. I see a lot of myself in him and we get a long so well. When he comes to help around the house we're both driven in the same way and we both like to kick back and have fun the same way. There is a comfort level with Pete that I rarely find with others. We accept each other exactly as is and wouldn't change a thing about each other, but at the same time we urge each other to change and improve all the time. Pete and I are just as comfortable with each other out or in, working hard or vegging out on the sofa. I feel completely and unconditionally accepted by Pete and feel totally safe talking to him about anything without wondering who is going to hear about it or if he's going to make a joke about it.
Pete gives me space to figure it out, the encouragement to try and the advice to make it possible; which is an invaluable gift that I am forever grateful for.