My heart felt so barren. Lifeless if not for the incessant determination of life.
I was done. It was too much this raw aching place I found myself in after the end of it all.
I was blind. To the truth of my shared responsibility in the ending, to the rigidity in which I required people to exist in relationship to me.
I was scared. That no one would stay. That no one would ever see who I was and say it was just enough. I was scared of my loudness and sudden quietness. I was scared my snark would be considered biting and hurtful instead of a badge of love.
But suddenly one day; in between Mario marathons, unnecessary trips to Target, smarty pants geek games and group texts it was there.
The friends I always knew were out there but could never find all at once, living in the same space.
The friends I could be snarky with but still whisper scary things to over cheese dip and drinks that taste like skittles.
The friends who heard me. The friends who saw me. The friends that loved me and saw me as just enough.
And I do love back them so deeply and fiercely.
My heart feels so full. Overflowing really. With the everyday novelty of hanging out at soccer games, a glass of wine, Mario and house projects. I never knew a heart could be so full.
And you know what, I'm still scared. But when I tell them they hold the fear in their hands and tell me they're scared too.