Going Home

I drove to my hometown today feeling uncharacteristically nostalgic for the small town life.
Because let's be honest I need to slow down. This frenetic pace I maintain is just not maintainable. I feel pangs for the slow life.
I met 2 of my favorite people and we had lunch, wandered around a park and just relaxed. Then Nicole and I went on a tour of my hometown. Looking at the homes, the places, the memories, I felt again that twinge of nostalgia.

That was the house Alaina and I bought the Easy Bake Oven from; there's the house we spun the car in front of and hit the mail box. This is the house I fell in love, ridiculously and obsessively in love in; there is the store where the moment that split my life in two happened. Here's my childhood home, there's the high school I couldn't wait to get away from. There's the intersection my mom had her accident, the apartment I first saw her after all that insane drama. There's the church I grew up in and the place I where I was the stupid weird girl.

It was all so nostalgic. The good and the bad all collided together for this lukewarm indifference that wasn't altogether that bad.
I curled up on Nicole's sofa and felt the breeze through the windows and smelled that fresh non-city air and smiled.

Then it was time to go back to Napoleon where I was staying with Pete. So I pulled out of Nicole's driveway savoring the last few moments of small town life, realizing that I could escape there but I would never be able to live there (well by never I mean in the foreseeable future)
I missed my turn and ended up taking a 2 block detour. I stop at the light, I turn to the left day dreaming about how much I love my little put together life in Cincinnati when I see him.


I knew I was getting pulled over; and I did.
:sigh: I mean I was speeding so I know I earned the ticket but crapcrapcrapcrapcrap.
Thank you hometown USA. Thank you.


Only You Knew

"It was smooth; the skin had closed across the tiny wounds like the
surface of the river after you toss stones into the waves. Only you knew."
-Stones From the River: Ursala Helgi

Sometimes I think I'm just overreacting
That it didn't really happen or that I was imagining things
But then, I don't really think I was

Sometimes I wonder if the scars are still there
If I've finally managed to move on, past, and beyond
Then they split open again, gushing and pouring forth as wildly as the day they were created

The skin has closed across the tiny wounds
They are often invisible to my own eye
The only thing that remains are ripples on the surface of the river that have stretched for years


Anne of Green Gables

Confession: I never read Anne of Green Gables when I was a kid. I might have been a contrary girl and might have not read it jut because all the girls I knew were reading it. My sister read the books, and she loved them. She and my parent would watch the PBS movies over and over again. I always found something else to do, even if it was reading a different book or playing with dolls in the same room while it was on.

A little over two years ago my whole family went on vacation to the Florida Keys (which was AMAZING). We were hanging out at the beach house one night and my Dad stumbled across the PBS version on the TV. I sat and watched it a bit with them and innocently asked Dad what had happened to Anne's parents and how she came to live with the other family (I didn't even know their name!)
I mean, you would have thought I walked up and punched the man in the face. He was flabbergasted that I didn't know that answer. When I told him I had never read the books and that the movies were his, mom and Sharen's thing I'm fairly certain a small part of him died inside. But I left it at that and turned in for the night.

Fast forward to a few months ago when some girls I know were talking about books they read and loved and Anne came up (with Gilbert Blythe of course). In addition my seester had a copy cat flood in her basement and I carried approximately 50,000 pounds of books up her sodden basement stairs. In those book were the trio of Anne book from when he was little. So I took them and read the first book.
It was good. Entertaining and a bit swoony. But, I think I might have waited to long to read them. I'm not really a swoony girl and I'm certainly not really a prim and proper girl.
But it was good and I'm glad I read it.

By the way, I found out that Anne' parent got sick and died and then she bounced from family to family taking care of their kids until she ended up in an orphanage.


You Are More

This song has shredded me lately and it's summing up the chaos of feelings I've been having lately. Love it.
Tenth Avenue North
"You Are More"
There's a girl in the corner
With tear stains on her eyes
From the places she's wandered
And the shame she can't hide

She says, "How did I get here?
I'm not who I once was.
And I'm crippled by the fear
That I've fallen too far to love"

But don't you know who you are,
What's been done for you?
Yeah don't you know who you are?

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

Well she tries to believe it
That she's been given new life
But she can't shake the feeling
That it's not true tonight S

he knows all the answers
And she's rehearsed all the lines
And so she'll try to do better
But then she's too weak to try

But don't you know who you are?

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

'Cause this is not about what you've done,
But what's been done for you.
This is not about where you've been,
But where your brokenness brings you to

This is not about what you feel,
But what He felt to forgive you,
And what He felt to make you loved.

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

You've been remade
You've been remade.
You've been remade.
You've been remade.


Naked Wanting

There's this girl...she's a part of a group and she's sort of on the outside of the circle. She can be kind of....off putting I guess but is generally an ok girl.
She hints and sometimes outright asks to be more included but no one really extends that invitation to her. I talk to her a little bit, but I'm also trying to remember it's not my role to save everyone.
It bothers me a little. This naked wanting. She just puts it out there that she wants to be included, that she wants to be wanted.
I saw something she wrote recently and it's been sticking in my heart. Because I am not brave enough to be so transparently wanting.

Because I want. I want to be seen and noticed. I want to be included. But I don't want those things at the same time. When I get seen, noticed and included I get scared that I'll be rejected and thrown out. So I leave, or force the issue and withdrawal so I get less scared.
It seems to me there must be some sort of healthy middle ground between such naked wanting and such unhealthy withdrawal and self sabotage. But heck if I can figure it out.
The other night I was with some people and I was having fun. But halfway through the night I was holding onto my chair to keep myself from fleeing. The people were nice (well most of them) and the topics of conversation were pleasant (except for that one by that one not so nice person) and yet I was panic stricken at the thought of remaining. Things had gone well for the most part which only increased the likelihood that things would start going poorly.
I held on for a few more hours and then headed home earlier than I was planning. It was all well and good but I just get so desperate for people to like me; to think that I'm witty and funny and smart. I want people to want to engage me and be in a relationship with me but when they do I freeze, completely terrified with wonder as to what I should do to hold onto them, the relationship, the feeling of being included.

The thing is, I don't want to feel this way anymore and I don't know how to stop. It's not always right at the surface, it's not always so paralyzing but it's always there somewhere. Most of the time I don't recognize my sabotage until I've sunk the ship, then there is only time to glean a lesson and try to move forward better and more evenly keeled.

I'm also trying to remember that it's not my job to save everyone. Because when I try to pull everyone in and help them I end up drowning myself. I overwhelm myself in trying to manage other peoples expectations, happiness and general sense of being included. To a degree that is a good thing. It isn't bad to want to help people and include them. But I will rarely do it at the healthy level.
It feels terrible to be honest. It feels like I'm a flake; like I'm letting people down and that I'm not performing to the level that people (what people I don't know) expect me or need me to perform at.
But most days lately I feel like I'm drowning and I don't know how else to save myself. Then I save myself only to begin drowning in the shame of letting down people I don't even think have those expectations of me.
It's all very confusing and contradictory. That's just going to have to be ok for now.


Even While She Hurts

I have no idea how it is that Alece speaks so deeply to my heart and how my heart seems to be going through similar things as hers.
Love this. Please read it:

God’s given me stewardship over my feelings, thoughts, attitudes,
and behaviors.

I need to recognize and guard them as gifts from God.

He’s given me responsibility over those things, and I have complete freedom
to choose what I do with them.

They are, in fact, the only things I truly control.

But I often forget that.

And when I forget, I live with unhealthy boundaries.

When I allow others’ words and actions to dictate how I respond, I forfeit
my freedom. I hand over the power I have to choose. I surrender the control and
stewardship I’ve been given by God. I allow others to define me instead
of embracing God’s definition of me.

On the flip side, when I forget the freedom others have, I try to take
responsibility for what they alone are stewards over. I attempt to fix people,
overcompensate for them, or smooth things over when they are upset. But in doing
so, I am overstepping my boundaries.

I am responsible only for my own life.

Having and enforcing boundaries isn’t about controlling or punishing
others. It’s about treasuring and guarding the feelings, thoughts, attitudes,
and behaviors God has given me stewardship over.

Living with healthy boundaries means not attempting to take responsibility
for others’ responses and choices, and not forfeiting the responsibility I have
over my own.

I’ve lived my whole life with unhealthy boundaries. In some ways,
I’ve lived with no boundaries at all.

My emotions and inner commentaries are often swayed by others’ words,
actions, and attitudes. And I am quick to take responsibility for other people’s

But I want to live different.

I want to live free and healthy, and in a way that helps others
live free and healthy as well.

I can’t really say that I’ve gotten better at not responding based on how
others treat me.

In fact, if I’m being most honest, I still don’t really know how to even
change that… how to not be so deeply affected by others.

And right now, my struggles with this are really causing my heart to hurt.
There’s a stinging ache deep inside me that just seems to hurt more

But I’ve become more aware of those moments where I hand control
over to someone else. And those moments where I take on what isn’t mine to carry.

I see it for what it is now, which is more than I’ve ever done

And that gives my heart hope.

Even while she hurts.


Good Things: April

I'm stealing this from Kari's blog because it seems like a lovely recap to each month. Now I just have to remember to do it every month!

April 1- No one pranked me, Mom and Dad came in and my house was relatively clean for their arrival
April 2- Root canal, sucked. But I was supposed to work 11-8 after and we closed early and I was paid to work 11-8 but got to go home at 5pm, and it was BEAUTIFUL! Also, The Dip with the family
April 3- Celebrated Easter with the family, made Easter lupper all by myself and then How to Train a Dragon. Eggcellent weekend all in all.
April 4- Church, yard work with mom and dad, Sharen and Matthew, Smokey Bones and sleeping with the windows open. Lovely!
April 5- Dinner at Panera, Mango Smoothie!
April 6 - Done with all my work by 930am, worked some on other people stuff but mostly had a relaxing day at work. Also, ate Easter leftovers outside in the sun while reading Anne of Green Gables. I think it's what Jesus would have wanted.
April 7 - I was on and off cranky today, I had some grody side effects from some medicine. But I had a nice lunch with Mom and got a new antibiotic called in and it was cheap cheap cheap which was a relief.
April 8- Not many good things happened today. A really nice guy got fired at work, my stomach took over my life and began to methodically expel its content from my person, I was exhausted and took to my bed with the vapors at like 830 only to not sleep more than 2 consecutive hours. This day was not my friend.
April 9- Called off work, slept on the sofa on and off all day (at a house I was dogsitting) My stomach stopped trying to murder me, so I suppose that's a good thing.
April 10- Alexis' baby shower! Cute baby things!
April 11 - Had a ridiculously good time painting at a crisis shelter with Washington Project
April 12 - This week
April 13 -was
April 14 - Wickedly awesome
April 15 - Sometimes the best thing about a week is the anticipation of the awesome weekend that is to come. I listened to the Wicked Soundtrack 27 million times this week and it was pretty much my good thing EVERY.DAY.
April 16 - Fun and relaxing drive north with Sharen, Shelby and Matthew. I ate a healthy packed supper instead of fast food (ok, I got a McFlurry, but I didn't get the Big Mac I wanted!)
April 17 - WICKED WICKED WICKED WICKED WICKED! Plus, time with Stephanie, great deep conversations and yummy Cold Stone Ice Cream! So many good things about today!
April 18 - Home again, clean sheet night and baby shower number 2 for Alexis. Also, free bookcase!
April 19 - Today was dramatic and hard. But I have good friends and a great God.
April 20 - Nothing to do after work again! It's happening more and more and I am loving it!
April 21 - Came home sick from work, took a 5 hour nap with crazy dreams on a dogsitting house couch. 1 stressful thing resolved, 1 to go.
April 22 - Watched Monsters Inc. with Sharen and Matthew and went to bed early.
April 23 - A whole lot of nothing after work. If I'm not careful I could get used to this.
April 24 - Movie Day! I stayed in my pajamas and watched 7 movies and went to bed early
April 25 - I was able to get back into the service at church after 5 weeks of busy busy busy (with Washington Project and traveling). It felt really good to be home. I also made a good decision that helped alleviate a lot of stress.
April 26 - Back home again after dogsitting. I get to stay home for awhile, it makes me very happy.
April 27 - Waking up in my own bed with my kitties snuggling me. Also, I put up my first Button Club post and a lovely unexpected dinner with Claire and Fred full of laughter.
April 28 - Nothing to do after work! Cleaning and laundry. I'm trying to dig myself out of a funk and usually cleaning helps.
April 29 - Family night at my seesters house. First time in a few weeks thanks to crazy dogsitting schedules.
April 30 - Costume shopping and dinner with Alaina! More laughs then I knew what to do with!I'm just renting the costume but I'm so excited to be going to a 50's BBQ in a costume that doesn't suck (I figure my fall back vampire costume won't blend well with the 50's theme...)