Falling Slowly: Sorry Boys

These days I'm finding that success is in recognizing what the pattern of behavior is even if you're participating in it.
Most of the time I haven't yet conquered knowing why I WANT to act a certain way before I've done it, or even for hours after it.
I feel like sometime in the future, maybe even the near future, I'll be able to stop on the precipice of this behavior instead of giving into it.

Like yesterday. Yesterday, I was looking for a fight. A knock down drag out tear the walls down leave no man or woman standing fight.
I don't want to. I hate feeling this contentious and aggressive. I hate feeling this energy surging through my veins while I clench my fists trying to find fault in something you've said or done.
I hate realizing that it's all from hormones as a result of my body getting healthier. Because then I feel like I can't trust anything I think or feel ever. (You know, not that I'm an all or nothing kind of girl or anything...)

So I'm calling it a success that I realized halfway through the day that I'm looking for a fight not because I'm mad about anything but because I'm adjusting to getting healthy and in shape.
But I'm telling you what...I was shaking and vibrating from the force it took to stop picking fights and I was so not a fan.

One step forward, two steps back.

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