Break it Down

I feel completely off balance. Wondering who exactly I am and what it all means. I suspect that since I loathe the status quo and doing things just because it's expected of me I waited to have my existential crisis when I was 31 instead of 30.

I feel like I've never really had a firm grasp on who I am, especially when I look at it in contrast with who I perceive people think I should be.
I feel like I've not really pushed to find out either. Because I suspected (and have been told) that the core of me was just bad and who wants to face that about themselves.

One of the hardest things for me to accept and process about therapy and the fact that I'm sharing the process with people both here and in actual real life conversations is the responses. The person I see in the mirror and the person they say they see when they see me is so different. The perceptions are so far apart.

And I'm just so tired.
So tired of fighting and tired of digging and tired of trying to convince myself I'm not bad and that I am in fact a lovable and cherished person.
I'm tired of knowing I have to focus on getting healthy and feeling crushed by guilt that I'm thinking too much about myself and turning inward instead of outward.
I'm tired of trying to find the balance and make the right and healthy choices and wading through the millions of choices that could be both or neither on any given day.

I want to be able to wrap this up nicely for you, because that's what I think good girls should do.
But I don't know how.
It scares me a lot.
Yet, I also think the cracks and chips in my "everything's ok, nothing to see here" facade are helping a little. Like a lanced wound they're letting the pressure release slowly and surely.
I'm terrified I'm letting to much ugly hang out and you'll all realize just what a bad girl I am and I'm also surprised when you don't recoil from my crazy.

All that to say, I'm taking a break.  From blogging and probably lightening the social media posts (but not stopping those all together).
I'll be back in June, but I'm taking the rest of May off. There is a lot going on and I'm trying to decide if a decision I'm wanting to make is a result of a healthy shift in priorities or a result of withdraw and the desire to flee relationships. I need to quiet some voices in my head and focus on the still small voice that has been lost in the banshee yell of the abusive words of my past.

I'm going to try to find what girl God has made me to be and remember that He doesn't make mistakes and that I'm not the bad girl I've been convinced I am.

If she forgets what she is capable of, I'll remind her. When she looks in the mirror and doesn't recognize who she sees, I'll describe her in detail until she remembers, and when she doubts she can be the person she wants to be, I won't.
via (in)courage


Good Things: April

April 1 Shopping most of the day with mom and the girls, bought a super cute new purse (yes, another one)

April 2 More shopping, shopping shopping. I'll be ok if I never shop again for the near future

April 3 Great morning at church followed by an afternoon of solitude while reading and napping on the couch with the windows open. AMAZING after several days of constant running and being around lots of people

April 4 Fun dinner with friends that are staying with me for awhile. Lots of hilarious conversation and surprisingly serious stuff too.

April 5 Washington Project meeting then a yummy dinner and good conversation with Claire

April 6 Nice night playing video games with a friend

April 7 First night dog sitting, at least this time there was no dead bird or urine in my purse

April 8 Geek Games and giggles

April 9 Spontaneous shopping day (4th in a row) with some geek game girls

April 10 Planted some annuals and made garden decisions all on my own

April 11 Finished a good book and started watching the 1st season of Friends on dvd and chortled a lot

April 12 Yummy dinner and made it through a contractor estimate walk through of my house without crying or breaking into hives.

April 13 Fun dinner with Justin, Bobbie and rommie followed by an early night at the dogsitting house

April 14 Family fun night at Sharen's for the first time in a long time (thanks to dogsitting). Playing outside and amazing backyard olympics on the SLIDE (slide slide slide) OF (of of of) DESTINY (destiny destiny destiny)

April 15 Straight home from work and no other plans for the first time in MONTH. Amazeballs

April 16 Kirsten Ariel Matala's special day. Pottery! Vegetarian food! 16 year old driving!

April 17 Ikea cabinet shopping, and I didn't even cry!

April 18 30 Rock on the couch while I folded a gajillion sheets (ok, 8 sets) because I haven't done laundry in so long

April 19 Snuggle time with Matthew when he whispered, "I just love you, ok"

April 20 I had a hard night at therapy, but dinner was ready and Pete cleaned up and everything while I sulked on the sofa

April 21 Hour long 30 Rock!

April 22 1/2 day at work

April 23 Yummy yummy Easter dinner at Sharen's house followed by clean sheet night

April 24 Wore a bright green dress and heels to church, didn't fall over once

April 25 Stuffed peppers for dinner. Oh.yes.

April 26 Happy Birthday, Pete!

April 27 Good conversation with a friend, realizing that we're all just as messed up as each other.

April 28 Early night, which I so needed

April 29 Woke up just in time to see Kate arrive at the Abbey (Abby?) My secret intrigue with the Royal Wedding has been revealed.

April 30 Waking up to no alarm in my own bed is amazeballs