I have a house that is much to large for just me and that I don't really have to clean unless on rare occasion more people than my sister and her family come over.
I can do what I want when I want and spend money on whatever my little heart desires.
When I type it all out on paper it feels very very selfish.
I hear those few of you that read this poo pooing away my selfish suspicions listing out the generous things I do and ways I spend my time. I realize that you're right, that not having kids, a spouse or even dogs doesn't define my life as a selfish one. But sometimes, I just feel that way.
I don't mean that I feel that way because I have a strong desire to be married or have some kids, because I still don't. Not that I'm opposed, I'm just not for pursuing that for my life right now. The fact that I need to explain that constantly sometimes makes me feel that there is something wrong about feeling that way. It reinforces the way that I feel sometimes selfish.
As I approach 30, which I will have been for several days by the time you all read this, I've been wondering more and more about why I lead the life I do. I wonder if I'm intentional enough or disciplined enough. I want to make a deep impact while at the same time sitting on my sofa watching stupid TV shows.
People told me that 30 would make me want to get married and have babies. But I find that instead I'm longing to give birth to a life with more meaning and discipline; a life that lifts people up and encourages them. A life that glorifies God and points to the Cross. It's the oddest feeling, but not an unwelcome one.
Sometimes I wonder about my life. I lead a small life. Well, not small, but valuable. And sometimes I wonder, do I do it because I like it, or because I haven't been brave? So much of what I see reminds me of something I read in a book, when shouldn't it be the other way around? I don't really want an answer. I just want to send this cosmic question out into the void. So good night, dear void.