I Am Telling

The thing is, I didn't mean to.
I was just passing through and there it was. The edge of the rabbit hole.

[gives blank look] That was like taking a bullet.

(name that movie)
I don't mean to do it, I know the risks. I've worked hard to recognize the dips leading up to the edge and avoid them, but this time I tripped and plunged head first.
Wrapped up in fog and memories I light the match and hold it closer to my skin than I have in months. I imagine the possibilities, I ponder the fantastical obsessions that begin to cave in on my heart.

I'm asking for help; for this and so many other things. I'm being brave; and to a specific, appropriate person I'm going to tell everything. Because I just can't do it anymore. .

I, without the assistance of anyone currently, am eviscerating my own heart.
I, who can't let it go, who dwells on it, who picks picks picks away at scabs that should have healed years ago.....I am telling.