When I was a little girl I learned I should hide
Hide from shaming eyes and sharp tongues
Hide from shadows and secrets I didn't understand

When I was a little girl I didn't know my voice could be strong when it needed to be
I only knew to bite and lash out when it was safest, when I knew no matter how ugly I was I would still be loved

When I was a little girl I learned to hide.
I learned to hide my heart because it it was bad
I learned to hide my thoughts because they were stupid
I learned to hide myself because I was scared of harsh words and pushing hands

I hid myself in bathrooms, behind davenports, on stairs to scary basements, under dining room tables.
Because there I could taste the derision and ambivalence in the air while pretending it had no affect on my small, breaking heart.

When I was an older girl I learned to hide behind anger and sarcasm, scoffing and ambivalence. I accidentally became the kind of girl the angry shaming voices were when I was small.

And God said stop.
Stop with the anger, stop with the scoffing and ambivalence. (He would have said stop with the sarcasm but he thinks I'm hilarious)
He's challenged me to heal, to soften, to stop being the scared hiding girl who refuses to be anything but angry.

It's hard. I cry more now. But I'm holding on to it being worth it in the end.


Good Things: August

August1 Making funny noises with sound effects with Matthew on his DSi

August 2 Today is my Friday! Beers, kielbasa and no work tomorrow!

August 3 Nicole is here!

August 4 Lots of shopping getting cute clothes with Nicole

August 5 Quarriors with Pete, Amber and Darren

August 6 Pete hooked up my Blu Ray & I have Netflix in my room now. I will be cocooning there until he returns from vacation & starts cooking for me again

August 7 I went to the gym and did so may crunches my abdominal muscles cramped. By so many crunches I mean 3 reps of 10. But in all fairness those were 10 to the front and 10 to each side

August 8 Dinner with a dogsitting family and an early bedtime

August 9 Today was a hard day. But my boss wrote a paragraph of nice things in a reprimand email which ended with 2 stern sentences, and you guys....I held onto the good for the first time in 33 years. God bless therapy

August 10 Putting into action the lesson that while anger is easier in the moment it costs so much in the long run felt really good today

August 11 Naps and cable at a dogsitting house

August12 Early night and naps in the afternoon

August 13 Sleeping in my own bed always feels the best

August14 Therapy is great

August 15 Loads of free stuff (goooood stuff) from a friend who is moving and creating a Spice Girls cover group at work

August16 Meatloaf Muffins and Mario Kart

August 17 I'm soooo glad it's Friday

August18 Dancing with Pete & Angie

August 19 Dinner with Alexis

August20 Growth Tracks meetings are my favorite meetings

August 21 Girlfriends Night Out!

August22 Wine after work

August 23 Watching cartoons with Mattew

August24 Giggly wine induced fun with Pete & Amber then Quarriors with them and Darren

August25 Laughing with friends almost all day long

August26 I have the best roommate who carried my laundry up and down the stairs and didn't laugh when ingot stuck on the sofa thanks to a thrown out back

August27 Chiropractic care at its finest

August28 Dinner with Brenna & Sharen

August29 Recognizing triggers of PTSD & calling a friend to talk me off the ledge. Using coping mechanisms from 18 months of therapy.

August30 Friends offering to take me to lunch, free lunch at work and an early bedtime

August31 The beer fairy came to my office today