So Uncle Rico strikes again!
We got some ice cream treats at work today because of how crazy it has been. Twix, Snickers, Klondike Sandwiches, and Skinny Cow bars.
I walked around to everyone while I was on my lunch to ask if they wanted me to bring anything. People, even people ON THE PHONE with customers muted their phones and told me what they wanted.
I walked up to Uncle Rico, who was not on the phone, and asked him what he wanted. Instead of using his words he pantomimed milking a cow.
Now I assumed that meant Skinny Cow bar, which it did. But if you pause and pantomime milking a cow it can resemble another action which was NOT on the menu.
Later, I think I caught him taking a picture of me on his phone.
Nothing to see here folks, just documenting in case my instincts of KILLER KILLER KILLER are accurate
:walksawaywhistling:
Showing posts with label Socially Awkward. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Socially Awkward. Show all posts
8.23.2011
8.22.2011
Explanations
Sometimes when you tell someone a story and you're explaining why you picked the fake names you picked it's awkward.
Like this sentence:
Well I'm Judith Light, he's Dean Cain and then this other person who we weren't even talking about was Tony Danza.
Then laugh wildly.
Mix all that together and you'll have as awkward of a conversation as I just did.
With my boss.
Who's the Boss indeed.
Like this sentence:
Well I'm Judith Light, he's Dean Cain and then this other person who we weren't even talking about was Tony Danza.
Then laugh wildly.
Mix all that together and you'll have as awkward of a conversation as I just did.
With my boss.
Who's the Boss indeed.
8.04.2011
Red Flags
I don't trust myself.
My judgement, my decisions, I always think they're probably wrong.
Always.
So when a person comes into my life and I see all of these red flags going up I don't trust the boundaries that I want to set, because what if I'm wrong.
Others don't seem to have a problem with this person.
Others seem to think it's perfectly find to interact with them.
But the thought of hanging around this person makes my head scream
DON'T DO IT
I'm pretty sure I'm right. I don't know that I need to never be in the presence of this person, it would be pretty hard anyway because we're in the same circles, but I definitely think I need to be very VERY aware of the things I say to and around this person. I think that I need to speak the boundaries out loud to this person and hold the consequences in place when the boundaries are inevitably broken.
So I sought council, with my counselor even, and she agreed.
GIANT RED FLAGS
Lies and abuse of trust are very clear indicators that this person isn't trustworthy and isn't someone that I should be delving into a relationship with, especially right now. Because I'm re-assessing my relationships to pursue healthier ones and I'm working to do what's best for me emotionally and mentally I can't afford to deeply invest myself in someone that will be so draining and likely damaging to my forward motion.
But still I worry. What if I'm wrong? What if I'm not looking hard enough for the good in people? What if I'm not giving this person a chance to show me who they really are? What if I lose other people because they don't understand my resistance to being involved with this person?
On healthier days I think, so what?
At some point I need to realize that I am the one that is ultimately responsible for guarding my heart. I am the one that is ultimately responsible for saying no, it's too much, I can't help carry you.
I had a healthier day yesterday, and it felt nice.
My judgement, my decisions, I always think they're probably wrong.
Always.
So when a person comes into my life and I see all of these red flags going up I don't trust the boundaries that I want to set, because what if I'm wrong.
Others don't seem to have a problem with this person.
Others seem to think it's perfectly find to interact with them.
But the thought of hanging around this person makes my head scream
DON'T DO IT
I'm pretty sure I'm right. I don't know that I need to never be in the presence of this person, it would be pretty hard anyway because we're in the same circles, but I definitely think I need to be very VERY aware of the things I say to and around this person. I think that I need to speak the boundaries out loud to this person and hold the consequences in place when the boundaries are inevitably broken.
So I sought council, with my counselor even, and she agreed.
GIANT RED FLAGS
Lies and abuse of trust are very clear indicators that this person isn't trustworthy and isn't someone that I should be delving into a relationship with, especially right now. Because I'm re-assessing my relationships to pursue healthier ones and I'm working to do what's best for me emotionally and mentally I can't afford to deeply invest myself in someone that will be so draining and likely damaging to my forward motion.
But still I worry. What if I'm wrong? What if I'm not looking hard enough for the good in people? What if I'm not giving this person a chance to show me who they really are? What if I lose other people because they don't understand my resistance to being involved with this person?
On healthier days I think, so what?
At some point I need to realize that I am the one that is ultimately responsible for guarding my heart. I am the one that is ultimately responsible for saying no, it's too much, I can't help carry you.
I had a healthier day yesterday, and it felt nice.
7.21.2011
Goes Away
We've been working on safety issues in therapy lately. Which of course means that my nightmares have escalated and I've started to have trouble sleeping again.
It always seems to get worse before it gets better.
But I was doing this homework assignment where I'm supposed to identify a belief (about the world not like religious beliefs or something) and as I was working through a belief about how safe I feel with other people and in relationships when the belief that my love makes people go away flowed out of my pen without prompt.
As I read it aloud to my therapist she made me stop and we talked about it.
We talked about how I don't trust that people will stay. That one day I'll be too much for them, either too clingy or too distant, too loud or too soft, too available or too overbooked and they'll grow tired of trying to be my friend or love me and they'll just disappear.
Or they'll die.
Which logically I know doesn't mean they leave me but we weren't really worried about logical at that point.
Because I've been behaving and acting in relationships based out of this belief.
One of the questions I had to ask about the belief is if the source of the belief is reliable.
I had to pause because I thought the source of this belief were the list of people that had left, who had dropped out of relationships with me (through death or by choice of walking away and no longer returning calls) and I felt caved in on when it happened. Some of them I thought were really reliable sources. Because they had been, up until the time they weren't.
But really the biggest source of that belief is me and when it came to how I viewed relationships and my safety in them I had to realize that I was unreliable.
Because I didn't trust that feeling you get when you meet someone knew. I didn't listen to myself when I heard that whisper of "tread carefully with this one" and I willingly and recklessly gave all of my heart and all of my secrets to them from the word hello.
I allowed them all full access to my heart without allowing the relationship to develop because I was so desperate for someone to care. Someone to see me as I truly was.
Did I scare some of them away? Of course. But the others I should have never let in in the first place.
I felt that if someone was kind to me I needed to befriend them and help them in anyway that I could. I needed to pursue them because they of course wanted to be pursued.
I was treating them the way I wanted to be treated and expecting them to reciprocate.
But that's not how relationships work.
I don't really know how to change that belief, that my love is annoying and too much and people eventually grow weary of me and go away.
I take that back. I think I do know how to change it, and I think it's happening already. Through therapy yes, but a lot of the work is through the talking it out. The speaking aloud and writing out of these fears and this paranoia. Of realizing that I can't and don't control others or their actions and motives but that I should be more protective of my heart. I should let people in, but slowly and intentionally instead of quickly and desperately.
I still feel really unsafe relationally, and day by day I'm figuring out what it means to have healthier relationships and healthy boundaries in them.
It always seems to get worse before it gets better.
But I was doing this homework assignment where I'm supposed to identify a belief (about the world not like religious beliefs or something) and as I was working through a belief about how safe I feel with other people and in relationships when the belief that my love makes people go away flowed out of my pen without prompt.
As I read it aloud to my therapist she made me stop and we talked about it.
We talked about how I don't trust that people will stay. That one day I'll be too much for them, either too clingy or too distant, too loud or too soft, too available or too overbooked and they'll grow tired of trying to be my friend or love me and they'll just disappear.
Or they'll die.
Which logically I know doesn't mean they leave me but we weren't really worried about logical at that point.
Because I've been behaving and acting in relationships based out of this belief.
One of the questions I had to ask about the belief is if the source of the belief is reliable.
I had to pause because I thought the source of this belief were the list of people that had left, who had dropped out of relationships with me (through death or by choice of walking away and no longer returning calls) and I felt caved in on when it happened. Some of them I thought were really reliable sources. Because they had been, up until the time they weren't.
But really the biggest source of that belief is me and when it came to how I viewed relationships and my safety in them I had to realize that I was unreliable.
Because I didn't trust that feeling you get when you meet someone knew. I didn't listen to myself when I heard that whisper of "tread carefully with this one" and I willingly and recklessly gave all of my heart and all of my secrets to them from the word hello.
I allowed them all full access to my heart without allowing the relationship to develop because I was so desperate for someone to care. Someone to see me as I truly was.
Did I scare some of them away? Of course. But the others I should have never let in in the first place.
I felt that if someone was kind to me I needed to befriend them and help them in anyway that I could. I needed to pursue them because they of course wanted to be pursued.
I was treating them the way I wanted to be treated and expecting them to reciprocate.
But that's not how relationships work.
I don't really know how to change that belief, that my love is annoying and too much and people eventually grow weary of me and go away.
I take that back. I think I do know how to change it, and I think it's happening already. Through therapy yes, but a lot of the work is through the talking it out. The speaking aloud and writing out of these fears and this paranoia. Of realizing that I can't and don't control others or their actions and motives but that I should be more protective of my heart. I should let people in, but slowly and intentionally instead of quickly and desperately.
I still feel really unsafe relationally, and day by day I'm figuring out what it means to have healthier relationships and healthy boundaries in them.
4.12.2011
Paranoia: Part Duh
We've already established that I do completely ridiculous things when I'm paranoid.
I'm getting ready to do a crap ton of work on my house and I'm already mildly freaking out about several things.
The idea of making all the decisions that will need to be made
The chaotic state my house will be in when everything starts rolling
Whether I'll be able to keep my temper in check when I get overwhelmed and frustrated
The budget
But none of those things compares to what hit me this morning.
The paranoia. Moving forward doesn't feel safe, even though I know it will be fine.
I called to schedule an appointment to have my trees topped (which is not a euphemism). I immediately started thinking about these guys that would know where I live and would most likely be able to figure out which room is mine or at the very least a good entrance point.
I also called and left a message for the same guy that work on my seesters house to do the work during the renovation that roomie refuses to do (the big jerk, kidding!). So far he has done a great job, I've met him several times and the guy that works with him as well. He hasn't murdered them so it seems that all would be ok.
But it still just makes me so anxious. This idea of people coming into my house and learning the layout, having a key/access to come in and out.
Frankly I blame Dateline NBC and all their "single girl is stalked and murdered by a delivery person" specials.
I know it's more than that. As I unpack these steamer trucks of experiences and memories and asking an impartial party to get involved I'm learning just how pervasive and entwined this fear and paranoia is, how deeply it runs. So I'm working on it and through it because I realize that unless I want to be this crazy recluse that has 28 locks on every door and never leaves her house I have to figure out how to be functionally paranoid...as opposed to the paralyzing paranoid I am right now.
I'm getting ready to do a crap ton of work on my house and I'm already mildly freaking out about several things.
The idea of making all the decisions that will need to be made
The chaotic state my house will be in when everything starts rolling
Whether I'll be able to keep my temper in check when I get overwhelmed and frustrated
The budget
But none of those things compares to what hit me this morning.
The paranoia. Moving forward doesn't feel safe, even though I know it will be fine.
I called to schedule an appointment to have my trees topped (which is not a euphemism). I immediately started thinking about these guys that would know where I live and would most likely be able to figure out which room is mine or at the very least a good entrance point.
I also called and left a message for the same guy that work on my seesters house to do the work during the renovation that roomie refuses to do (the big jerk, kidding!). So far he has done a great job, I've met him several times and the guy that works with him as well. He hasn't murdered them so it seems that all would be ok.
But it still just makes me so anxious. This idea of people coming into my house and learning the layout, having a key/access to come in and out.
Frankly I blame Dateline NBC and all their "single girl is stalked and murdered by a delivery person" specials.
I know it's more than that. As I unpack these steamer trucks of experiences and memories and asking an impartial party to get involved I'm learning just how pervasive and entwined this fear and paranoia is, how deeply it runs. So I'm working on it and through it because I realize that unless I want to be this crazy recluse that has 28 locks on every door and never leaves her house I have to figure out how to be functionally paranoid...as opposed to the paralyzing paranoid I am right now.
3.28.2011
Funny
Jake and Cody were here this weekend. We decided to just specifically sit around the house and hang out. During the course of the weekend we watched several comedy specials on Netflix.
They were pretty funny. I thought they were funny. But I also noticed that whenever I laughed I would look at the rest of the people in the room.
Then once I noticed that I was doing it, I couldn't help but notice I did it every single time.
I also noticed that when I would laugh (and inevitably look at the others) and they weren't laughing I wouldn't laugh as long, or if I would I would feel really self conscious.
Now, these people are my friends. They're my good friends. I know they love me and I know they care about me and I know they know I'm weird as hell and they love me anyway. So it doesn't make any sense but I also kind of get it.
I spent so many years believing that people would only like me if I was exactly like them. I'd been called weird and embarrassing so much I was convinced of it. It was either embrace it and take it to a completely ridiculous and over the top level or violently align myself with the person (people) I was with just in case.
It was (and still is) exhausting.
I'm working on figuring out what kind of girl I am, and more than that, believing in the kind of girl that God made me to be.
It's just that the in between space of "I'm in to far to turn back to the old me and I can't quite see the light at the end of the tunnel to the new me" that is scary and lonely and sometimes really confusing.
But sitting around for hours with friends that love me even if they tease my oddity (in a loving and appropriate way) is definitely great medicine.
They were pretty funny. I thought they were funny. But I also noticed that whenever I laughed I would look at the rest of the people in the room.
Then once I noticed that I was doing it, I couldn't help but notice I did it every single time.
I also noticed that when I would laugh (and inevitably look at the others) and they weren't laughing I wouldn't laugh as long, or if I would I would feel really self conscious.
Now, these people are my friends. They're my good friends. I know they love me and I know they care about me and I know they know I'm weird as hell and they love me anyway. So it doesn't make any sense but I also kind of get it.
I spent so many years believing that people would only like me if I was exactly like them. I'd been called weird and embarrassing so much I was convinced of it. It was either embrace it and take it to a completely ridiculous and over the top level or violently align myself with the person (people) I was with just in case.
It was (and still is) exhausting.
I'm working on figuring out what kind of girl I am, and more than that, believing in the kind of girl that God made me to be.
It's just that the in between space of "I'm in to far to turn back to the old me and I can't quite see the light at the end of the tunnel to the new me" that is scary and lonely and sometimes really confusing.
But sitting around for hours with friends that love me even if they tease my oddity (in a loving and appropriate way) is definitely great medicine.
3.15.2011
Working it all Out
I've noticed something about myself lately.
I feel the need to tell people who I am. Specifically I feel the need to tell people I'm a paranoid, hot, socially awkward mess.
I caught myself the other day in a conversation with some people I don't know that well. I mean, I know them..but I don't KNOW know them, you know?
I spent an inordinate amount of time parlaying paranoia stories and telling them all about awkward things that I have done.
Why?
I mean, if I really feel that awkward and embarrassed all the time maybe I shouldn't point out awkward and embarrassing things about myself.
I think I'm trying to prepare them.
So often I feel like I let people down and disappoint them and I think vomiting up all my awkward and embarrassing features makes me feel like I'm telling them from the start; "You better not love me, because I'll only let you down."
I don't really know what to do about it. It's definitely something I'm working through. But I've become so adept at rejecting love or friendship before it is even offered because I'm sure it will only be taken away from me in the end that I don't even really notice I do it anymore.
I feel the need to tell people who I am. Specifically I feel the need to tell people I'm a paranoid, hot, socially awkward mess.
I caught myself the other day in a conversation with some people I don't know that well. I mean, I know them..but I don't KNOW know them, you know?
I spent an inordinate amount of time parlaying paranoia stories and telling them all about awkward things that I have done.
Why?
I mean, if I really feel that awkward and embarrassed all the time maybe I shouldn't point out awkward and embarrassing things about myself.
I think I'm trying to prepare them.
So often I feel like I let people down and disappoint them and I think vomiting up all my awkward and embarrassing features makes me feel like I'm telling them from the start; "You better not love me, because I'll only let you down."
I don't really know what to do about it. It's definitely something I'm working through. But I've become so adept at rejecting love or friendship before it is even offered because I'm sure it will only be taken away from me in the end that I don't even really notice I do it anymore.
3.10.2011
Worry Wart
I am excited to say I'm at a leadership conference today. It was a last minute invite and I got the email at like 10pm on Monday.
I needed to make sure I could get the days off of work so I knew that first thing the next day I needed to talk to my boss.
I then proceeded to lay away for 3 hours.
I was so excited, like couldn't sleep excited. I felt included and as silly as it sounds I was excited.
As soon as my brain realized I was excited I started talking myself out of it.
I probably couldn't get the days off of work
If I did my boss would probably hold a grudge against me (even though she's not that kind of boss)
I haven't been feeling well, what if I accept and I get to sick to go, then I'll have disappointed people
As if that wasn't enough my OCD about social situations started clicking way at full force. Where will I sleep, what if I have to go to the bathroom (a lot of my anxiety is bathroom related, which is just weird to me) on the road trip and no one wants to stop. What will I talk about etc etc etc.
I tried to get my mind to stop, I tried to think of scriptures to calm myself down but I was going full force and it was very hard to stop.
Between that and not being able to breathe well I was a hot mess.
But, it was all fine. My boss ok'd the leave and acted like it was no big deal. I'm sure the ride was fine (I'm writing this before I leave) because it always is, these guys are fun and friendly and kind.
It's all fine, I just decided to preemptively lose 3 hours of sleep over nothing. You know, business as usual in Bethany's brain.
I needed to make sure I could get the days off of work so I knew that first thing the next day I needed to talk to my boss.
I then proceeded to lay away for 3 hours.
I was so excited, like couldn't sleep excited. I felt included and as silly as it sounds I was excited.
As soon as my brain realized I was excited I started talking myself out of it.
I probably couldn't get the days off of work
If I did my boss would probably hold a grudge against me (even though she's not that kind of boss)
I haven't been feeling well, what if I accept and I get to sick to go, then I'll have disappointed people
As if that wasn't enough my OCD about social situations started clicking way at full force. Where will I sleep, what if I have to go to the bathroom (a lot of my anxiety is bathroom related, which is just weird to me) on the road trip and no one wants to stop. What will I talk about etc etc etc.
I tried to get my mind to stop, I tried to think of scriptures to calm myself down but I was going full force and it was very hard to stop.
Between that and not being able to breathe well I was a hot mess.
But, it was all fine. My boss ok'd the leave and acted like it was no big deal. I'm sure the ride was fine (I'm writing this before I leave) because it always is, these guys are fun and friendly and kind.
It's all fine, I just decided to preemptively lose 3 hours of sleep over nothing. You know, business as usual in Bethany's brain.
3.03.2011
Comparison Kills
A few days ago I attend several events in the same day. They were all with mostly people I knew and interacted with on a regular basis.
I remember at one point looking at some of them and wondering how they seem to socialize so effortlessly. At the risk of sounding juvenile they just seem cool.
I just feel awkward.
I felt so awkward that I went to the store and bought a completely new outfit for these laid back and totally chill events so I would feel less awkward.
But then people complimented what I wore and I spazzed out because I didn't want them to think I just "threw something on" and floated through the day effortlessly so I babbled about how I bought the outfit less than an hour ago because I felt so awkward.
I got some weird looks and some nervous laughter but most of the time I got, "I've totally been there".
I mean, when it's all typed out in black and white it makes sense to know that everyone else besides me does not in fact have it all together all the time. It sounds very ridiculous to think that I'm the only one that struggles, that I'm the only one that feels anxious when hanging around people I consider my friends for fear we won't have anything to talk about and my contributions to the evening will be less than witty.
All typed out, it just sounds selfish and crazy.
But I forget that it's not just me.
I isolate myself because I think everyone else has it together and has a firm grip on any given situation, especially social ones.
Because I forget that just because my internal dialogue is the only one I hear doesn't mean it's the only one that's happening.
It's far too easy for me to look around at people and see them having it all together for an hour or two and forget that anyone (including me) can keep it together for an hour or two. It tricks my heart into believing that I have to be perfect, that I have to always be funny, always be witty and always be fine.
Just another story in my continuing saga of believing completely untrue things, while knowing they are completely untrue.
What a clever enemy we all have that encourages these comparisons and tricks our heads and hearts into survival mode so we don't dare thrive.
I remember at one point looking at some of them and wondering how they seem to socialize so effortlessly. At the risk of sounding juvenile they just seem cool.
I just feel awkward.
I felt so awkward that I went to the store and bought a completely new outfit for these laid back and totally chill events so I would feel less awkward.
But then people complimented what I wore and I spazzed out because I didn't want them to think I just "threw something on" and floated through the day effortlessly so I babbled about how I bought the outfit less than an hour ago because I felt so awkward.
I got some weird looks and some nervous laughter but most of the time I got, "I've totally been there".
I mean, when it's all typed out in black and white it makes sense to know that everyone else besides me does not in fact have it all together all the time. It sounds very ridiculous to think that I'm the only one that struggles, that I'm the only one that feels anxious when hanging around people I consider my friends for fear we won't have anything to talk about and my contributions to the evening will be less than witty.
All typed out, it just sounds selfish and crazy.
But I forget that it's not just me.
I isolate myself because I think everyone else has it together and has a firm grip on any given situation, especially social ones.
Because I forget that just because my internal dialogue is the only one I hear doesn't mean it's the only one that's happening.
It's far too easy for me to look around at people and see them having it all together for an hour or two and forget that anyone (including me) can keep it together for an hour or two. It tricks my heart into believing that I have to be perfect, that I have to always be funny, always be witty and always be fine.
Just another story in my continuing saga of believing completely untrue things, while knowing they are completely untrue.
What a clever enemy we all have that encourages these comparisons and tricks our heads and hearts into survival mode so we don't dare thrive.
Maggie wondered why everyone else in the world suddenly seemed so sure of themselves, and only she felt that every answer was the wrong answer, every situation a strange one.
-Anna Quindlen 'Onject Lesson'
12.22.2010
Damaged
Lately I just feel so damaged.
It's easy to say this is why or that is why but it's just become so pervasive in my heart lately I can't hardly see straight anymore.
Sometimes, I feel like I can't even breathe through the damage. It's like I'm suffocating on the brokenness that should have been repaired long ago.
I'm trying not to be to whiny about it, which I know you'll all say "oh no no, it's ok" but honestly I'm sick of my own pissing and moaning.
I just want to fix it. I just want it to be done.
I have some steps that I'm putting into place to hopefully deal with this. Insurance changes at work are making it more affordable (affordable at all really) for me to go to doctors so I'm going to go.
I'm sure that much of the issue is hormonal (sorry boys) but I also know there are some deeper issues that need to be dealt with professionally, and not with a free volunteer type person.
I still just don't feel safe. I feel extra paranoid, left out and alone. I can see that these things aren't true. I can see that the reality is :insert actual reality here: but I don't believe it. I'm feeling like I can't trust the things I see or hear because I'm misunderstanding them or they're just not true and I'm completely making them up.
It all adds up to a lot of withdrawing, a lot of silence and a ridiculous for even me amount of paranoia.
Usually I can fake it until I make it, but I feel like I've been faking it a long time and it's not getting any better. Frankly it's exhausting. So much so that on top of my tendency to sleep and stare away the hours when in a depressive state I'm so exhausted from the moments I rally for social interactions sake I have to nap just to recover.
It's all very dramatic I know.
But the thing is, it's really easy for me to keep telling you I'm ok. Depending on the day I can even mostly believe it myself. However there has been a low and dull throbbing of despair coursing through my veins for months now and I'm just losing my ability to deal with it.
It's easy to say this is why or that is why but it's just become so pervasive in my heart lately I can't hardly see straight anymore.
Sometimes, I feel like I can't even breathe through the damage. It's like I'm suffocating on the brokenness that should have been repaired long ago.
I'm trying not to be to whiny about it, which I know you'll all say "oh no no, it's ok" but honestly I'm sick of my own pissing and moaning.
I just want to fix it. I just want it to be done.
I have some steps that I'm putting into place to hopefully deal with this. Insurance changes at work are making it more affordable (affordable at all really) for me to go to doctors so I'm going to go.
I'm sure that much of the issue is hormonal (sorry boys) but I also know there are some deeper issues that need to be dealt with professionally, and not with a free volunteer type person.
I still just don't feel safe. I feel extra paranoid, left out and alone. I can see that these things aren't true. I can see that the reality is :insert actual reality here: but I don't believe it. I'm feeling like I can't trust the things I see or hear because I'm misunderstanding them or they're just not true and I'm completely making them up.
It all adds up to a lot of withdrawing, a lot of silence and a ridiculous for even me amount of paranoia.
Usually I can fake it until I make it, but I feel like I've been faking it a long time and it's not getting any better. Frankly it's exhausting. So much so that on top of my tendency to sleep and stare away the hours when in a depressive state I'm so exhausted from the moments I rally for social interactions sake I have to nap just to recover.
It's all very dramatic I know.
But the thing is, it's really easy for me to keep telling you I'm ok. Depending on the day I can even mostly believe it myself. However there has been a low and dull throbbing of despair coursing through my veins for months now and I'm just losing my ability to deal with it.
11.04.2010
Plot from Law & Order SVU
When I first moved to Cincinnati I got a job at a Christian book store. It was interesting to see this sample of people that shopped there, and often shopped there daily. I met a lot of really sweet people, I met a lot of grumpy and out right mean people and I met one specifically creepy person.
I'd seen Terry (names have been changed to protect the creepy) in the store several times. He always shopped with his mom who was a little spacey. Oh, and did I mention he was probably in his 60s or 70s, because he was.
He would always buy an odd smattering of things and would talk about movies and music. It wasn't creepy at first, just off feeling.
Then one day the book store started selling ACTUAL crowns of thorns.
In one sense it was kind of neat to think of churches having it on a table presenting communion, but in another sense IT WAS AN ACTUAL CROWN OF THORNS.
But I digress....
Terry began talking to me excitedly about the movie Passion of the Christ by Mel Gibson. It was being re-released into some theaters around Cincinnati and he was excited to see it again. He also began buying up the crowns of thorns.
One day, while purchasing his THIRD crown of thorns (which I was convinced by this time he used on unsuspecting coed he abducted from local campuses) he mentioned again how excited he was about Passion being re-released. He then said, "You know, you should come with me to see it. That would be fun."
(Fun...wasn't exactly the word I was thinking of...)
I said no.
He came back a few days later, bought ANOTHER crown of thorns (I mean these suckers were like $50, why did he need them all?! I was to afraid to ask.) and asked me again.
I said no.
The next time he came in I had the night off and he started asking for me. He tried to get my home phone number from the other employees who thankfully didn't give it to him.
Shortly after this I transferred to another store and was able to shake him for good.
But what part of this story doesn't smack of a plot on Law & Order SVU?
I'd seen Terry (names have been changed to protect the creepy) in the store several times. He always shopped with his mom who was a little spacey. Oh, and did I mention he was probably in his 60s or 70s, because he was.
He would always buy an odd smattering of things and would talk about movies and music. It wasn't creepy at first, just off feeling.
Then one day the book store started selling ACTUAL crowns of thorns.
In one sense it was kind of neat to think of churches having it on a table presenting communion, but in another sense IT WAS AN ACTUAL CROWN OF THORNS.
But I digress....
Terry began talking to me excitedly about the movie Passion of the Christ by Mel Gibson. It was being re-released into some theaters around Cincinnati and he was excited to see it again. He also began buying up the crowns of thorns.
One day, while purchasing his THIRD crown of thorns (which I was convinced by this time he used on unsuspecting coed he abducted from local campuses) he mentioned again how excited he was about Passion being re-released. He then said, "You know, you should come with me to see it. That would be fun."
(Fun...wasn't exactly the word I was thinking of...)
I said no.
He came back a few days later, bought ANOTHER crown of thorns (I mean these suckers were like $50, why did he need them all?! I was to afraid to ask.) and asked me again.
I said no.
The next time he came in I had the night off and he started asking for me. He tried to get my home phone number from the other employees who thankfully didn't give it to him.
Shortly after this I transferred to another store and was able to shake him for good.
But what part of this story doesn't smack of a plot on Law & Order SVU?
10.19.2010
Recovery
"His sympathy, though well intentioned, always seemed to carry with it an indictment. Disappointment, however faint, that she'd been unable- or unwilling- to recover her old self. It didn't occur to him that she might have chosen to remain this way. That where he saw reserve and loneliness, Cassandra saw self-preservation and the knowledge that it was safer when one had less to lose."I had a conversation with a friend the other week. I struggled through the whole conversation. I felt an overwhelming need to justify my hurt. That even as I was trying to explain things that had hurt me without obsessively laying out all the details I began to wonder if it was even that big of a deal. If I was being a silly girl for being so damn hurt.
- The Forgotten Garden by: Kate Morton p59
I've been walking this fine line between withdrawing for self-preservation and withdrawing because I'm scared. I'm trying to figure out all over again what my role is in all of my relationships.
I'm trying to feel safe again in relationships with anyone. But I vacillate. Wondering if one should ever really feel safe in a relationship that's worth anything at all.
I'm torn between wondering if I've finally stumbled out of my 13 year old view of all or nothing relationships into an adult view of being happy with the scraps you can get and wondering if I'm just growing bitter and jaded.
I wonder if it's just me that refuses to ever just be completely happy. I wonder if anyone is ever completely happy.
I wonder if it's me that refuses to stop worshipping the cut, the shatter, the hurt.
I wonder if it's just me, refusing to recover.
9.29.2010
Inside
It's days like this that my need to please people comes in handy.
Because I if I didn't feel the need to please or at least perform at the base of my skill level I would still be in bed.
As it is I've pulled the shutters on my heart and have retreated inside.
It's just to much for me lately and I don't know how to get out from under this heaviness and honestly I don't know that I even want to, it's more comfortable here than raw and bleeding outside.
I've been re-reading the Harry Potter series so I've re-read all of them when the 1st part of the last movie comes out in the fall. I'm on book 5 now and it was one of my least favorite books when I read through the series the first time. I thought Harry was pouty and off putting. I wanted him to just get over it and realize that people were looking out for him and trying to protect him.
Because you see I was reading it from an all knowing observing point of view. I could remove myself emotionally from the fear and anxiety that he was feeling and I could know that things were better if he would just stop being so damn pouty.
But this time around, I'm enjoying it more. The dark layers suiting my current mental state. The short thrills of hope Harry feels before they are tempered by the little voice warning him that he shouldn't count on people he's really all on his own.
Yet even with all this perspective on Harry I can't pull my head or heart of the mire it's been stuck in recently. I feel like I'm losing the battle.
Once again I read on Alece's blog a post that even though our struggles stem from different fissures speaks so close to my heart.
She said:
I can feel short thrills of hope like Harry, and remember that I'm not alone. But so often lately, more often than I care to really admit, I believe the slithering voice that tells me I can't really count on people, that I'm really all on my own.
Because I if I didn't feel the need to please or at least perform at the base of my skill level I would still be in bed.
As it is I've pulled the shutters on my heart and have retreated inside.
It's just to much for me lately and I don't know how to get out from under this heaviness and honestly I don't know that I even want to, it's more comfortable here than raw and bleeding outside.
I've been re-reading the Harry Potter series so I've re-read all of them when the 1st part of the last movie comes out in the fall. I'm on book 5 now and it was one of my least favorite books when I read through the series the first time. I thought Harry was pouty and off putting. I wanted him to just get over it and realize that people were looking out for him and trying to protect him.
Because you see I was reading it from an all knowing observing point of view. I could remove myself emotionally from the fear and anxiety that he was feeling and I could know that things were better if he would just stop being so damn pouty.
But this time around, I'm enjoying it more. The dark layers suiting my current mental state. The short thrills of hope Harry feels before they are tempered by the little voice warning him that he shouldn't count on people he's really all on his own.
Yet even with all this perspective on Harry I can't pull my head or heart of the mire it's been stuck in recently. I feel like I'm losing the battle.
Once again I read on Alece's blog a post that even though our struggles stem from different fissures speaks so close to my heart.
She said:
There are so many areas of my life that are undone right now. My heart
included.
I can feel short thrills of hope like Harry, and remember that I'm not alone. But so often lately, more often than I care to really admit, I believe the slithering voice that tells me I can't really count on people, that I'm really all on my own.
9.28.2010
It's Like I Can't Breathe
Sometimes I hold my breath because it makes me feel more in control.
Over a year has passed since I've started trying to learn to breath correctly.
But I'm gasping for air right now.
I feel like I can't even breathe. I'm overwhelmed by the smallest tasks including swinging my feet out of bed every morning.
Right now it's like every ounce of my strength is being used to just remember to breathe in and out and keep moving my feet one in front of the other.
So I'm sorry that I can't explain what happened to you, I'm sorry that you're upset and that you're hurt but there isn't really anything I can do about it now.
Because I'm busy just trying to breathe.
I have to remind myself to blink.
I have to remind myself to move.
I have to remind myself that this pit isn't the only thing in the world and that there is good and hope and peace somewhere outside the rim of this hole.
But first I have to remember to inhale. To exhale. To inhale.
I have to remember to keep the breaths steady so I don't burst into tears at odd moments.
Breathe in and out, but not to quickly.
I ache. Every piece of me aches with this hurt and I still don't know how to process it or make it better for you.
Because I don't even want to make it better for me. I could live in this pit, I've done it before.
I want things to stop being awkward between us and I want you to stop being pissed at my inability to just be my "normal perky self"
But I can't. The effort is daunting and far more than I'm able to accomplish right now.
So right now I just breathe. Trying to overcome this panic and blackness without inconveniencing anyone to much.
Over a year has passed since I've started trying to learn to breath correctly.
But I'm gasping for air right now.
I feel like I can't even breathe. I'm overwhelmed by the smallest tasks including swinging my feet out of bed every morning.
Right now it's like every ounce of my strength is being used to just remember to breathe in and out and keep moving my feet one in front of the other.
So I'm sorry that I can't explain what happened to you, I'm sorry that you're upset and that you're hurt but there isn't really anything I can do about it now.
Because I'm busy just trying to breathe.
I have to remind myself to blink.
I have to remind myself to move.
I have to remind myself that this pit isn't the only thing in the world and that there is good and hope and peace somewhere outside the rim of this hole.
But first I have to remember to inhale. To exhale. To inhale.
I have to remember to keep the breaths steady so I don't burst into tears at odd moments.
Breathe in and out, but not to quickly.
I ache. Every piece of me aches with this hurt and I still don't know how to process it or make it better for you.
Because I don't even want to make it better for me. I could live in this pit, I've done it before.
I want things to stop being awkward between us and I want you to stop being pissed at my inability to just be my "normal perky self"
But I can't. The effort is daunting and far more than I'm able to accomplish right now.
So right now I just breathe. Trying to overcome this panic and blackness without inconveniencing anyone to much.
8.12.2010
Wanting what I don't Want
I overhear things as a recovering eavesdropper. I don't mean to, old habits dying hard.
I see things and know about things because of relationships I have. Mostly they're things I need to know because of positions I'm in.
But sometimes I find myself wanting to be included in friendships and relationships that I don't even want to be in.
I find myself jealous of friendships that if nothing was happening I wouldn't even be interested in pursuing otherwise.
I wonder when I'll get over this melodramatic craving of mine.
I wonder when I'll stop wanting things I don't even want.
Then the crazy side of me starts wondering if I do want them I just don't want to want them so I say I don't want them.
But I step back, and on any given day I don't want to be involved, because I know the friendships will be too much. That the people, while they have their times of loveliness, will simply pull me away from a life I truly desire to live.
I feel like I have to defend myself in not really wanting to be more friendly with some people because you'll think I'm a bitch. But I also understand that I need to guard my heart and guard the influence on me carefully.
How to I balance this?
How do I balance that with the already overwhelming urges I feel to pull away, withdrawal and isolate?
It's just awkward. Noticing this pull to want things I don't even want just because they're there for the wanting.
But I'm probably the only one that's ever done that right?
I see things and know about things because of relationships I have. Mostly they're things I need to know because of positions I'm in.
But sometimes I find myself wanting to be included in friendships and relationships that I don't even want to be in.
I find myself jealous of friendships that if nothing was happening I wouldn't even be interested in pursuing otherwise.
I wonder when I'll get over this melodramatic craving of mine.
I wonder when I'll stop wanting things I don't even want.
Then the crazy side of me starts wondering if I do want them I just don't want to want them so I say I don't want them.
But I step back, and on any given day I don't want to be involved, because I know the friendships will be too much. That the people, while they have their times of loveliness, will simply pull me away from a life I truly desire to live.
I feel like I have to defend myself in not really wanting to be more friendly with some people because you'll think I'm a bitch. But I also understand that I need to guard my heart and guard the influence on me carefully.
How to I balance this?
How do I balance that with the already overwhelming urges I feel to pull away, withdrawal and isolate?
It's just awkward. Noticing this pull to want things I don't even want just because they're there for the wanting.
But I'm probably the only one that's ever done that right?
8.10.2010
White Out Tape
I've told you before about the first date where I told the fella turtles could breathe out of their butt.
But here's how we flirted.
We worked for the same bank and I would talk to him in my "boy voice" (see high pitched and breathy with a lot of unnecessary giggling) and my co-workers would make fun of me.
Well, one day he was talking about how his white out tape was broken and he was trying to fix it.
What is white out tape? I couldn't figure it out. I would ask him and he would describe it but I couldn't figure it out.
I would usually bring it up when I didn't know what else to say and it would keep the conversation going (I'm a nerd, I get it.)
Then one day I received an inter-office envelope. This wasn't unusual I got them a lot as part of my job. But I opened it and out fell 4 packs of white out tape.
But here's how we flirted.
We worked for the same bank and I would talk to him in my "boy voice" (see high pitched and breathy with a lot of unnecessary giggling) and my co-workers would make fun of me.
Well, one day he was talking about how his white out tape was broken and he was trying to fix it.
What is white out tape? I couldn't figure it out. I would ask him and he would describe it but I couldn't figure it out.
I would usually bring it up when I didn't know what else to say and it would keep the conversation going (I'm a nerd, I get it.)
Then one day I received an inter-office envelope. This wasn't unusual I got them a lot as part of my job. But I opened it and out fell 4 packs of white out tape.
There was also a lovely note about white out tape and all sorts of other things. I of course had to reply and agonized over it for a ridiculously long time before I could sent the reply email.
I mean, a relationship based on a mutual admiration of white out tape...how could it have gone so horribly wrong?
So even though I talked about poop and tutles butts on our date I still think of him and smile when I see white out tape...which is often, I work in an office.
4.06.2010
Love in my Life
I read Harry Potter for the first time last summer. Right before I read Harry Potter I was forced to read the Twilight series by a lovely lady that sent me the first 2 books.
I loved Harry Potter and was really over Twilight, and sometimes super creeped out by it.
Meanwhile, Malarie (a girl I work with) was reading and re-reading the Twilight series. My manager also liked it a lot. One day we got into a debate about Harry Potter vs. Twilight.
I of course was on team Harry and Malarie was on team Twilight. Back and forth we debated until Malarie said, "You know, the reason you don't like Twilight is because you don't want love in your life."
What she meant it, because I am not actively seeking a romantic relationship in my life. Which is probably a pretty accurate assessment of why I mainly don't like twilight. But I, being the sarcastic cut throat that I am, decided to take it and run with it.
This is why, almost a year later, there is still an ongoing joke in my department about how I don't want love in my life.
But today, oh ho ho today a new layer was added to the awesome awkward inside joke.
Two of the newbies were talking about something to do with NASA and Lindsey (one of the newbies) mentioned that she had been to Space Camp. So I said, "If I ever decide I want love in my life I want a bachelorette party at Space Camp." Ellen (the other newbie in the conversation) said, "Bethany do you want me to have Lindsey try to find someone to love you even if you don't want love in your life."
Oh, the awesome awkwardness.
Now I'm going to start saying at random times (to people at work at least) "Even if I wanted love in my life we have to find someone that's willing to love me!"
**Side Note: I do know what they ACTUALLY meant and that I am perfectly lovable (most days). I'm simply reveling in making awkward things more awkward because that's the kind of girl I am.
I loved Harry Potter and was really over Twilight, and sometimes super creeped out by it.
Meanwhile, Malarie (a girl I work with) was reading and re-reading the Twilight series. My manager also liked it a lot. One day we got into a debate about Harry Potter vs. Twilight.
I of course was on team Harry and Malarie was on team Twilight. Back and forth we debated until Malarie said, "You know, the reason you don't like Twilight is because you don't want love in your life."
What she meant it, because I am not actively seeking a romantic relationship in my life. Which is probably a pretty accurate assessment of why I mainly don't like twilight. But I, being the sarcastic cut throat that I am, decided to take it and run with it.
This is why, almost a year later, there is still an ongoing joke in my department about how I don't want love in my life.
But today, oh ho ho today a new layer was added to the awesome awkward inside joke.
Two of the newbies were talking about something to do with NASA and Lindsey (one of the newbies) mentioned that she had been to Space Camp. So I said, "If I ever decide I want love in my life I want a bachelorette party at Space Camp." Ellen (the other newbie in the conversation) said, "Bethany do you want me to have Lindsey try to find someone to love you even if you don't want love in your life."
Oh, the awesome awkwardness.
Now I'm going to start saying at random times (to people at work at least) "Even if I wanted love in my life we have to find someone that's willing to love me!"
**Side Note: I do know what they ACTUALLY meant and that I am perfectly lovable (most days). I'm simply reveling in making awkward things more awkward because that's the kind of girl I am.
4.04.2010
Posture
I've re-upped my melodramatic journey of weight loss. I've decided that I am just going to have to remember that it is important to remember that taking time for myself to get healthy is important and no one ever died from me being 10 minutes late (yet).
This weekend I'm going to talk to Dad about the schedule of jobs around my house and put my foot down. I'm so afraid sometimes of disappointing him by not doing what he thinks is right that I do things that I don't think are right to do. Not anything dramatic, I mean like spend my money on things I don't really think it needs to be spent on type of things.
I have a list of things I want to accomplish around my house in the next year and that's just what's going to happen. Now I just have to say that to him...
But I digress....where was I going with this....oh, right.
I'm also going to go to the gym 3 times a week. Even if it's only for 30 minutes I'm going 3 times a week. I'm going to Mexico in June on a mission trip and I want and need to be in better shape for that trip. I went Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday this week and I'm working on when I'm going next week. But again, I digress...hmmm....oh!
I was working out with FT at the gym Tuesday and I was doing these bicep curl thingys at a machine. I had to stand in front of it, feet together, bend at the waist, arch my back, pop my butt out, keep my chin up and then pull on the bar thingy to do the curls,...or pushes I don't know I was pulling it down, whatever.
Frankly, that was a lot of anatomical multi-tasking for me. I just giggled and tried to be all casual about it but FT called me on it and we started talking about my posture. He told me to use my butt more, so naturally I just clenched my butt. (I feel like I've blogged about my butt clenches before...but I can't find the post. Which means I might write one soon, aren't you lucky!)
FT just cracked up and asked me why I was so tightly clenched. He told me to pop my butt out and put my shoulders down and keep my chin up. I've been walking around work trying to figure out how to do that and realizing more and more that my old posture is one of curled in, shielding my center.
I usually walk with my chin slightly lowered, or my head down altogether. My shoulders are rolled forward and my butt is clenched inward. I was talking to someone at work about this new posture and I got a clear idea in my head that the way I usually walk around is in a semi 'C' position. Curled in, protecting my heart and ready to fight.
The new position leaves me open, shoulders back and down, chest and stomach jutting out slightly to lead the way and chin up with me facing the world as I walk into it.
I feel unsafe with the new posture. It's open, exposed, awkward to me because I'm not used to it. I feel like at any moment I could take a knife to the chest, metaphorically or otherwise. The thing is, it's not safe. It's not safe to walk into the world open and exposed like that. It's much safer in the short term to be closed off and inaccessible to everyone.
But in the long run, it's very unsafe to be that closed off. Life is better when other people are let in, even when it means they can hurt you. Life is just more when you look the world in the eyes and know that you'll be ok no matter what happens. Now if only I could convince my slumping posture self of that.
I'm becoming a little stiff trying to figure out this new posture. It's not natural, but it will be good for me in the long run. It will help my muscles as they develop and it will strengthen my abs instead of helping them atrophy between workouts.
It will just take practice.
This weekend I'm going to talk to Dad about the schedule of jobs around my house and put my foot down. I'm so afraid sometimes of disappointing him by not doing what he thinks is right that I do things that I don't think are right to do. Not anything dramatic, I mean like spend my money on things I don't really think it needs to be spent on type of things.
I have a list of things I want to accomplish around my house in the next year and that's just what's going to happen. Now I just have to say that to him...
But I digress....where was I going with this....oh, right.
I'm also going to go to the gym 3 times a week. Even if it's only for 30 minutes I'm going 3 times a week. I'm going to Mexico in June on a mission trip and I want and need to be in better shape for that trip. I went Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday this week and I'm working on when I'm going next week. But again, I digress...hmmm....oh!
I was working out with FT at the gym Tuesday and I was doing these bicep curl thingys at a machine. I had to stand in front of it, feet together, bend at the waist, arch my back, pop my butt out, keep my chin up and then pull on the bar thingy to do the curls,...or pushes I don't know I was pulling it down, whatever.
Frankly, that was a lot of anatomical multi-tasking for me. I just giggled and tried to be all casual about it but FT called me on it and we started talking about my posture. He told me to use my butt more, so naturally I just clenched my butt. (I feel like I've blogged about my butt clenches before...but I can't find the post. Which means I might write one soon, aren't you lucky!)
FT just cracked up and asked me why I was so tightly clenched. He told me to pop my butt out and put my shoulders down and keep my chin up. I've been walking around work trying to figure out how to do that and realizing more and more that my old posture is one of curled in, shielding my center.
I usually walk with my chin slightly lowered, or my head down altogether. My shoulders are rolled forward and my butt is clenched inward. I was talking to someone at work about this new posture and I got a clear idea in my head that the way I usually walk around is in a semi 'C' position. Curled in, protecting my heart and ready to fight.
The new position leaves me open, shoulders back and down, chest and stomach jutting out slightly to lead the way and chin up with me facing the world as I walk into it.
I feel unsafe with the new posture. It's open, exposed, awkward to me because I'm not used to it. I feel like at any moment I could take a knife to the chest, metaphorically or otherwise. The thing is, it's not safe. It's not safe to walk into the world open and exposed like that. It's much safer in the short term to be closed off and inaccessible to everyone.
But in the long run, it's very unsafe to be that closed off. Life is better when other people are let in, even when it means they can hurt you. Life is just more when you look the world in the eyes and know that you'll be ok no matter what happens. Now if only I could convince my slumping posture self of that.
I'm becoming a little stiff trying to figure out this new posture. It's not natural, but it will be good for me in the long run. It will help my muscles as they develop and it will strengthen my abs instead of helping them atrophy between workouts.
It will just take practice.
4.03.2010
Indifferent
Ambivalence: derived from the Latin valentia, meaning "strength". It is common to use the word "ambivalent" to describe a lack of feelings one way or the other towards issues or circumstances. A more specific and conventionally accepted word to use in this case, however, would be "indifferent"
I have spent years honing my ambivalence, or (thank you Wiki) indifference. I have realized lately how absolutely indifferent I can be sometimes.
There are things and people that care deeply about, but other things...to many things...I am completely indifferent to, devoid of feeling.
I'm practiced at the indifference because the alternative is to much for me to process.
I try to not react, or measure my reaction so it is more in line with what the peer group around me would deem appropriate.
When I was young I would get made fun of a lot; at church, school, with friends everywhere. I learned how to tease back and how to twist words like a knife into people. I was also told that people were just doing that to get a rise out of me, that if I would just not react then they would get bored and wander away.
So I practiced. I practiced indifference to other peoples words and actions. I practiced the sudden need to go to the bathroom or to another room to get something so I could escape before the tears fell. I learned how to summon complete boredom with someone even when I longed to be their friend and for them to accept me.
Because to feel it is to much. Whatever it is; I just am not accustomed to going there. I get angry still, but not a lot. Sometimes it's just not worth it, sometimes I should be angry. I get offended, but rarely for myself. Most of the time it's because I really think people get offended way to easily , but sometimes it's because I don't think I deserve to be taken up for, I don't deserve to be defended.
I still struggle with feeling like if I tell people how much they mean to me, how much I love them, how much I miss them and wish we hung out more, that they will not feel the same. They will look at me like I'm stupid and they will ask me for my name again because to them I'm just so forgettable.
So I practice indifference still in a way. I observe and learn the ways people react, but then I try to not copy them. I try to not mold myself into the same person they are emotionally and I try to not adopt their opinions without first seeing if I really agree. But it's still really hard most days.
Because I've practiced indifference for so long it's like I'm relearning how to feel again.
I have spent years honing my ambivalence, or (thank you Wiki) indifference. I have realized lately how absolutely indifferent I can be sometimes.
There are things and people that care deeply about, but other things...to many things...I am completely indifferent to, devoid of feeling.
I'm practiced at the indifference because the alternative is to much for me to process.
I try to not react, or measure my reaction so it is more in line with what the peer group around me would deem appropriate.
When I was young I would get made fun of a lot; at church, school, with friends everywhere. I learned how to tease back and how to twist words like a knife into people. I was also told that people were just doing that to get a rise out of me, that if I would just not react then they would get bored and wander away.
So I practiced. I practiced indifference to other peoples words and actions. I practiced the sudden need to go to the bathroom or to another room to get something so I could escape before the tears fell. I learned how to summon complete boredom with someone even when I longed to be their friend and for them to accept me.
Because to feel it is to much. Whatever it is; I just am not accustomed to going there. I get angry still, but not a lot. Sometimes it's just not worth it, sometimes I should be angry. I get offended, but rarely for myself. Most of the time it's because I really think people get offended way to easily , but sometimes it's because I don't think I deserve to be taken up for, I don't deserve to be defended.
I still struggle with feeling like if I tell people how much they mean to me, how much I love them, how much I miss them and wish we hung out more, that they will not feel the same. They will look at me like I'm stupid and they will ask me for my name again because to them I'm just so forgettable.
So I practice indifference still in a way. I observe and learn the ways people react, but then I try to not copy them. I try to not mold myself into the same person they are emotionally and I try to not adopt their opinions without first seeing if I really agree. But it's still really hard most days.
Because I've practiced indifference for so long it's like I'm relearning how to feel again.
3.13.2010
Control
I like to pretend that I'm not a control freak. But if you know me even a little bit you know...that's just not true.
As much as I complain and struggle with being the planner, the organizer, the task manager I seem to also thrive on it. I realize those things are connected...I'm still working on it ok.
But I like that when things are coming up that I make a plan and can see it through. However, I also have a tendancy to sacrifice almost anything in order to see the plan through to fruition.
I said to someone last weekend that I was trying really hard to realize that my relationship with this person was more important than the event going according to plan but I was really struggling to remember that.
I was talking to another person last weekend about my issues with Swiss Cake Rolls and how I think that on top of the emotional/stress eating I do I also really like the routine of eating; especially Swiss Cake Rolls. I know that when I'm about to eat a Swiss Cake Roll how I'm going to open the package, that I'll select one of the rolls and eat the chocolate off the ends, then the bottom; then I'll peel off the chocolate around the roll and eat it then unravel the cake inside and eat it like a flat piece of cake with icing on it.
I expect it. I know it. I'm comfortable with it.
A friend from church threw her husband a surprise party a few months ago. Almost everyone at that party I knew and loved and considered a friend. Yet I told Michelle the day before that I needed to know that she was inside before I could go in. So I told her that if I didn't see her car in the lot I would call her before I walked in. Why? I knew all of the people, I love them. Yet I felt awkward and more than a little scared to walk in without knowing for sure that someone I knew would be in there.
I went to an Oscar party last week...no wait...I think it was this week...anyway.
I went to an Oscar party and was really stupid nervous on the way. I thought that maybe the party had been cancelled, that the location had been moved, that every single other person that was invited had forgotten about the party and I would show up food in hand and the hosts would be all...what are you doing here.
It's all just silly seemingly. But I'm finding that I keep my comfort, safety, reassurance in my having control. I like to know what to expect, I like to know what kinds of conversations will be had, where I will sit, where the bathrooms are, what kind of food will be there. When I don't know these things, or control them by being the planner and organizer then I get nervous about what might happen. When things change I get thrown off and nervous and have cried really hard about things not going right.
I wish I could be all the time like this moment of clarity. Because sometimes I let go, de-stress, calm the hell down and just relax. But those are not the majority. Mostly I stress and worry, I lift my shoulders to my ears like earrings and run through the possible conversations that could happen in my head and worry still about what I could possibly contribute to them.
It can often be worse in groups. Because on top of worrying if I'm comfortable and in control I want to control if other people are having a good time, if they're comfortable. The first time I met Dan's now wife I asked her 10 times in one hour if she had to go to the bathroom and if so does she know where they are. I just couldn't help myself. To me comfort is knowing where the bathroom is in a strange place, and I wanted her to feel comfortable and to like me so Dan and I could still be friends. I mean, we get along and all..but just in case you were wondering asking someone about their bathroom habits that often when you first meet them is not the best way to endear yourself to someone.
It's really exhausting. I'm thinking about trying to stop, but first I have to figure out where the bathroom is and what I will talk about when I'm trying to not be in control.
As much as I complain and struggle with being the planner, the organizer, the task manager I seem to also thrive on it. I realize those things are connected...I'm still working on it ok.
But I like that when things are coming up that I make a plan and can see it through. However, I also have a tendancy to sacrifice almost anything in order to see the plan through to fruition.
I said to someone last weekend that I was trying really hard to realize that my relationship with this person was more important than the event going according to plan but I was really struggling to remember that.
I was talking to another person last weekend about my issues with Swiss Cake Rolls and how I think that on top of the emotional/stress eating I do I also really like the routine of eating; especially Swiss Cake Rolls. I know that when I'm about to eat a Swiss Cake Roll how I'm going to open the package, that I'll select one of the rolls and eat the chocolate off the ends, then the bottom; then I'll peel off the chocolate around the roll and eat it then unravel the cake inside and eat it like a flat piece of cake with icing on it.
I expect it. I know it. I'm comfortable with it.
A friend from church threw her husband a surprise party a few months ago. Almost everyone at that party I knew and loved and considered a friend. Yet I told Michelle the day before that I needed to know that she was inside before I could go in. So I told her that if I didn't see her car in the lot I would call her before I walked in. Why? I knew all of the people, I love them. Yet I felt awkward and more than a little scared to walk in without knowing for sure that someone I knew would be in there.
I went to an Oscar party last week...no wait...I think it was this week...anyway.
I went to an Oscar party and was really stupid nervous on the way. I thought that maybe the party had been cancelled, that the location had been moved, that every single other person that was invited had forgotten about the party and I would show up food in hand and the hosts would be all...what are you doing here.
It's all just silly seemingly. But I'm finding that I keep my comfort, safety, reassurance in my having control. I like to know what to expect, I like to know what kinds of conversations will be had, where I will sit, where the bathrooms are, what kind of food will be there. When I don't know these things, or control them by being the planner and organizer then I get nervous about what might happen. When things change I get thrown off and nervous and have cried really hard about things not going right.
I wish I could be all the time like this moment of clarity. Because sometimes I let go, de-stress, calm the hell down and just relax. But those are not the majority. Mostly I stress and worry, I lift my shoulders to my ears like earrings and run through the possible conversations that could happen in my head and worry still about what I could possibly contribute to them.
It can often be worse in groups. Because on top of worrying if I'm comfortable and in control I want to control if other people are having a good time, if they're comfortable. The first time I met Dan's now wife I asked her 10 times in one hour if she had to go to the bathroom and if so does she know where they are. I just couldn't help myself. To me comfort is knowing where the bathroom is in a strange place, and I wanted her to feel comfortable and to like me so Dan and I could still be friends. I mean, we get along and all..but just in case you were wondering asking someone about their bathroom habits that often when you first meet them is not the best way to endear yourself to someone.
It's really exhausting. I'm thinking about trying to stop, but first I have to figure out where the bathroom is and what I will talk about when I'm trying to not be in control.
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