Ok, the rule is to type for five minutes and post whatever vomits out of my fingertips. May God be with you all.
Go.
The other day I had lunch with a friend. After a seemingly benign question I started pouring out a bunch of things that had been discussed the previous night in therapy. I don't mind that I told him, but I just wasn't planning to tell him.
We bantered back and forth for awhile while I steadfastly avoided eye contact and fidgeted.
Then on the way back from lunch he cleared his throat and said, "You know...if uh....you ever need to talk about us or anything...if you uh think it would help, we can do that..."
I smiled and said, "I think I'll be ok, but thank you for the offer"
Because the offer is really all I needed. Just to be acknowledged and reached out to was enough. It made me smile the rest of the day that he would say something that I would have never expected him to say and make an offer I'm guessing he was nervous I'd actually take him up on, but being willing to make the offer nonetheless.
I've felt the loss of friendship a lot this week and have been fighting the anchor that keeps trying to wrap itself around my heart again. But in this single stammering sentence my heart was lifted and encouraged that even when I withdrawal and try to collapse inward there are still friends that will do hard things, reaching in to help me stand again.
Done.
Showing posts with label Five Minutes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Five Minutes. Show all posts
9.16.2011
9.09.2011
FIve Minutes: Beauty
Ok, the rule is to type for five minutes and post whatever vomits out of my fingertips. May God be with you all.
Go.
My upstairs is all painted. Crisp and fresh colors. Granny Apple Green and Mermaid Treasure (teal-ish). Things are slowly going back in the right place and as a result everything is being cleaned up.
It's beautiful.
Because I think clean is beautiful, but I hate the act of cleaning up.
The same is true inside of me.
I want to clean up and out the junk that I've been carrying around for so long. Throw it out, bury it in the garbage and never look at it again.
I think that clean would be more beautiful on me, if I can only get up the courage and energy to clean.
Done.
Go.
My upstairs is all painted. Crisp and fresh colors. Granny Apple Green and Mermaid Treasure (teal-ish). Things are slowly going back in the right place and as a result everything is being cleaned up.
It's beautiful.
Because I think clean is beautiful, but I hate the act of cleaning up.
The same is true inside of me.
I want to clean up and out the junk that I've been carrying around for so long. Throw it out, bury it in the garbage and never look at it again.
I think that clean would be more beautiful on me, if I can only get up the courage and energy to clean.
Done.
8.26.2011
Five Minute: Random Thoughts
Ok, the rule is to type for five minutes and post whatever vomits out of my fingertips. May God be with you all.
Go.
By the time I left work last night I had hit 40 hours for the week, and I'll likely be at work for 10 hours today. The OT is nice, but man am I exhausted. On top of the kitchen reno and the handing off of Washington Project meetings this girl sure could use a Saturday in bed watching movies.
Speaking of Saturdays, tomorrow there is a painting party at my house. We're painting every inch of the upstairs main rooms and hallway, including the ceiling. If you want to come that would be awesome. But I know most of you are far far away.
Uncle Rico has calmed the heck down. There was almost two whole days of no awkwardness then a little hiccup. I think he's just that socially awkward. It's kind of funny now that it's now killer-esque.
My cats are dusty. They keep rolling around in the dry wall dust and they feel all chalky. Don't tell them, but they're getting a bath when this weekend is over.
I am at the point of the kitchen renovation when I have to spend the money I've gotten quoted out to me. This means in the next week I'm writing checks that will add up to at least $7,000. :gulp:
Apparently there was an earthquake this week, I didn't feel it but the "outrage" on the internet is cracking me up.
Finally, I'm excited the kitchen reno is coming to a close. The walls will be painted, the tile in place and the cabinets go in next week. Then we have a 2 week waiting period for the counter top to go in and it will be done! I can't hardly wait.
What has your week been like?
Done.
Go.
By the time I left work last night I had hit 40 hours for the week, and I'll likely be at work for 10 hours today. The OT is nice, but man am I exhausted. On top of the kitchen reno and the handing off of Washington Project meetings this girl sure could use a Saturday in bed watching movies.
Speaking of Saturdays, tomorrow there is a painting party at my house. We're painting every inch of the upstairs main rooms and hallway, including the ceiling. If you want to come that would be awesome. But I know most of you are far far away.
Uncle Rico has calmed the heck down. There was almost two whole days of no awkwardness then a little hiccup. I think he's just that socially awkward. It's kind of funny now that it's now killer-esque.
My cats are dusty. They keep rolling around in the dry wall dust and they feel all chalky. Don't tell them, but they're getting a bath when this weekend is over.
I am at the point of the kitchen renovation when I have to spend the money I've gotten quoted out to me. This means in the next week I'm writing checks that will add up to at least $7,000. :gulp:
Apparently there was an earthquake this week, I didn't feel it but the "outrage" on the internet is cracking me up.
Finally, I'm excited the kitchen reno is coming to a close. The walls will be painted, the tile in place and the cabinets go in next week. Then we have a 2 week waiting period for the counter top to go in and it will be done! I can't hardly wait.
What has your week been like?
Done.
8.18.2011
Five Minutes: Uncle Rico
Ok, the rule is to type for five minutes and post whatever vomits out of my fingertips. May God be with you all.
Go.
I'm training a new guy at work and this morning when we're sitting at my desk I look over and he is flexing his bicep over and over and staring at it. I burst out laughing because, really?
So I said, "What's up Uncle Rico?"
Then we moved on and made some Napoleon Dynamite references and quoted the movie for a bit.
This is not in and of itself awkward, mostly entertaining.
BUT THEN.....
About 4 hours later the new guy saunters up to my desk and says, "Speaking of my Uncle Rico moment, take a look at this"
He then holds out his iPhone and proceeds to show me a video of him WORKING OUT at his old job where they had a corporate wellness program. Awkward enough right?
BUT THEN....
The video moves to him do handstands against a wall and then doing push ups while standing on his hand. During which his shirt fell up over his head and exposed his extraordinarily hairy chest. Awkward enough?
BUT THEN...
He tells me that this was back when he was much more in shape than he is now and he starts doing that annoying guy thing where they rub their chest and belly with the flat of their hand and FLEXING some more!
Super awkward has been reached.
BUT THEN....
He says, "There's about 5-6 more minutes of this video if you want to see it all."
I replied, "Uh, no. I got the jist of it.
WTF new dude. WTF
Done
Go.
I'm training a new guy at work and this morning when we're sitting at my desk I look over and he is flexing his bicep over and over and staring at it. I burst out laughing because, really?
So I said, "What's up Uncle Rico?"
Then we moved on and made some Napoleon Dynamite references and quoted the movie for a bit.
This is not in and of itself awkward, mostly entertaining.
BUT THEN.....
About 4 hours later the new guy saunters up to my desk and says, "Speaking of my Uncle Rico moment, take a look at this"
He then holds out his iPhone and proceeds to show me a video of him WORKING OUT at his old job where they had a corporate wellness program. Awkward enough right?
BUT THEN....
The video moves to him do handstands against a wall and then doing push ups while standing on his hand. During which his shirt fell up over his head and exposed his extraordinarily hairy chest. Awkward enough?
BUT THEN...
He tells me that this was back when he was much more in shape than he is now and he starts doing that annoying guy thing where they rub their chest and belly with the flat of their hand and FLEXING some more!
Super awkward has been reached.
BUT THEN....
He says, "There's about 5-6 more minutes of this video if you want to see it all."
I replied, "Uh, no. I got the jist of it.
WTF new dude. WTF
Done
8.12.2011
Five Minutes: Roomate
Ok, the rule is to type for five minutes and post whatever vomits out of my fingertips. May God be with you all.
Go.
I have a roommate named Pete. He's pretty awesome. He makes me dinner each night and has rewired my entire upstairs and tiled my master bath and is about to tile my kitchen. See. Awesome.
He also will hate this blog post.
We're sitting in the living room tonight as he prattles on about the electrical as if I understand what the heck he's even talking about (I mean he's ACTUALLY talking about electrical now and I'm typing about how I don't know what he's talking about and he has NO IDEA).
A few minutes before this post I sighed and lamented how I wished I had my water that was in the fridge. So dude got UP off of his chair and walked into the kitchen to get me my water. Then walked back to me and I said, "Hmmm, nope. That's not my water. It's my mom's and I just can't drink it." He walked BACK to the kitchen and got me another bottle and brought it to me.
I said, "You realize you're only encouraging me to keep asking you to do these things you know, right?"
He replied, "Yes. But this is why I've stopped cooking you dinner each night so you won't be too spoiled."
I'm thinking the reason he stopped cooking is because our kitchen has been demolished and has no cupboards or anything and our actual food is in the 3rd bedroom. But I'm not about to split hairs.
Besides, I have my water now so I have to go and drink that up.
Done.
Go.
I have a roommate named Pete. He's pretty awesome. He makes me dinner each night and has rewired my entire upstairs and tiled my master bath and is about to tile my kitchen. See. Awesome.
He also will hate this blog post.
We're sitting in the living room tonight as he prattles on about the electrical as if I understand what the heck he's even talking about (I mean he's ACTUALLY talking about electrical now and I'm typing about how I don't know what he's talking about and he has NO IDEA).
A few minutes before this post I sighed and lamented how I wished I had my water that was in the fridge. So dude got UP off of his chair and walked into the kitchen to get me my water. Then walked back to me and I said, "Hmmm, nope. That's not my water. It's my mom's and I just can't drink it." He walked BACK to the kitchen and got me another bottle and brought it to me.
I said, "You realize you're only encouraging me to keep asking you to do these things you know, right?"
He replied, "Yes. But this is why I've stopped cooking you dinner each night so you won't be too spoiled."
I'm thinking the reason he stopped cooking is because our kitchen has been demolished and has no cupboards or anything and our actual food is in the 3rd bedroom. But I'm not about to split hairs.
Besides, I have my water now so I have to go and drink that up.
Done.
8.05.2011
Five Minutes: Whole
Ok, the rule is to type for five minutes and post whatever vomits out of my fingertips. May God be with you all.
Go.
I've not felt whole for a long time. I've felt less than and halved by things both in and out of my control. A big part of therapy has been figuring out that I'm a whole person. My heart is whole. The romantic idea of giving away a piece of my heart is untrue. I am complete and whole in Jesus. HE is what has completed and formed me, the rest is just details.
But there has been a huge difference between knowing that in my head and really believing it in my every day walking around life.
I don't trust myself, I don't trust my decisions. I'm constantly looking for validation from specific others and when they won't, can't or don't give it to me I go looking for it elsewhere.
That has led to a lot of situations I should have never been in, situations I inserted myself into intentionally looking for a validation I couldn't find.
Lately I've been finding my feet are standing firmer on the ground. I find myself more grounded and guarded with my heart. I'm less free with access to it and quite frankly it's terrifying.
I wonder if I set boundaries and keep them if people will leave me. I worry that the people I'm have appropriate boundaries with will see me setting boundaries with others and think I'm a bitch.
As my heart realizes each day how whole it truly is I'm starting to realize that even if the catastrophic events I fear and worry about happen that it's going to be ok.
Because at some point, I have to decide that my health and wholeness is just as important (if not more important) than that of others. I have to be ok, because right now I'm still not ok. I'm still prone to co-dependency (to use a therapeutic catch phrase) and manipulation by others.
My heart still doesn't realize it's whole and complete on its own, it's still looking for pieces of others, for relationships to fill in gaps it doesn't realize is already filled in by the King of Kings.
But I'm getting there. I'm more whole than I've ever been.
Done.
Go.
I've not felt whole for a long time. I've felt less than and halved by things both in and out of my control. A big part of therapy has been figuring out that I'm a whole person. My heart is whole. The romantic idea of giving away a piece of my heart is untrue. I am complete and whole in Jesus. HE is what has completed and formed me, the rest is just details.
But there has been a huge difference between knowing that in my head and really believing it in my every day walking around life.
I don't trust myself, I don't trust my decisions. I'm constantly looking for validation from specific others and when they won't, can't or don't give it to me I go looking for it elsewhere.
That has led to a lot of situations I should have never been in, situations I inserted myself into intentionally looking for a validation I couldn't find.
Lately I've been finding my feet are standing firmer on the ground. I find myself more grounded and guarded with my heart. I'm less free with access to it and quite frankly it's terrifying.
I wonder if I set boundaries and keep them if people will leave me. I worry that the people I'm have appropriate boundaries with will see me setting boundaries with others and think I'm a bitch.
As my heart realizes each day how whole it truly is I'm starting to realize that even if the catastrophic events I fear and worry about happen that it's going to be ok.
Because at some point, I have to decide that my health and wholeness is just as important (if not more important) than that of others. I have to be ok, because right now I'm still not ok. I'm still prone to co-dependency (to use a therapeutic catch phrase) and manipulation by others.
My heart still doesn't realize it's whole and complete on its own, it's still looking for pieces of others, for relationships to fill in gaps it doesn't realize is already filled in by the King of Kings.
But I'm getting there. I'm more whole than I've ever been.
Done.
7.29.2011
Five Minutes: Full
Ok, the rule is to type for five minutes and post whatever vomits out of my fingertips. May God be with you all.
Go.
I've had a lot of celebrations for my birthday. Lots of lunches and dinners out and even more to come this weekend. I'm full.
I'm full of food to the degree that I ate toast for dinner last night (and maybe a little Chinese leftovers). I'm full of food that I can't barely think of where to go to eat during my continued celebrations because I feel like I've eaten everywhere I want to in the past week.
I'm full of gratitude. For the celebrations and that there are people that want to celebrate with me and be happy with me. I'm so thankful for the health that I have (despite all the aforementioned food that has been eaten), my home, even my cats as silly as that sounds even to me.
I'm full of surprise at how excited people are and that I'm remembered by people I wouldn't even expect to be remembered by.
I'm full of love. For the people that are here; that show up even when I'm cranky and push them away. I'm thankful for the people that push through and stick around despite all of my efforts to taunt them into leaving like I'm afraid they will eventually.
I'm full of plans, for my house, for my future after Washington Project, for my job. I'm even full of fuzzy gray thoughts on relationships that I've sworn off for good.
I'm so full. This girl couldn't be more grateful for all the fullness in her right now.
Done.
Go.
I've had a lot of celebrations for my birthday. Lots of lunches and dinners out and even more to come this weekend. I'm full.
I'm full of food to the degree that I ate toast for dinner last night (and maybe a little Chinese leftovers). I'm full of food that I can't barely think of where to go to eat during my continued celebrations because I feel like I've eaten everywhere I want to in the past week.
I'm full of gratitude. For the celebrations and that there are people that want to celebrate with me and be happy with me. I'm so thankful for the health that I have (despite all the aforementioned food that has been eaten), my home, even my cats as silly as that sounds even to me.
I'm full of surprise at how excited people are and that I'm remembered by people I wouldn't even expect to be remembered by.
I'm full of love. For the people that are here; that show up even when I'm cranky and push them away. I'm thankful for the people that push through and stick around despite all of my efforts to taunt them into leaving like I'm afraid they will eventually.
I'm full of plans, for my house, for my future after Washington Project, for my job. I'm even full of fuzzy gray thoughts on relationships that I've sworn off for good.
I'm so full. This girl couldn't be more grateful for all the fullness in her right now.
Done.
7.22.2011
Five Minutes: Hi-Yah
Ok, the rule is to type for five minutes and post whatever vomits out of my fingertips. May God be with you all.
Go.
My therapist suggested that it might be a good idea to go to karate or some kind of self defense class. She said, not just go but really learn it.
Apparently it might help with my paranoia.
So of course I said that was all well and good but what if I was sleeping and someone came into my house to attack me. Then I'd be attacked in a dead sleep, or I could be locked in a trunk and I'm not Sydney Bristow, I couldn't just hi-yah my way out of the trunk.
See, whenever someone (or myself) tries to reassure me that I'm safe...I can come up with at least 3 if not 4 ways they're wrong.
Get a dog- The killers could also kill the dog, they could feed it frozen hot dogs to distract it, I could have one of those broken dogs that doesn't bark at strangers
Get an alarm system- The wires could be cut, I could forget to set it, a contractor could figure out the code and disarm it, a worker could just hide in my house without leaving so they're ALREADY IN THE HOUSE when I set the alarm and go to bed.
Get a gun- OH LORD. People are killed with their own guns all the time, my friend had a gun feet from her and was still murdered, I would probably end up shooting my cats or Pete before I actually used it on an attacker
So on and so on I can go. Because I know there are exceptions to all the rules. I know that attacks can happen anywhere. I know the saying, "I didn't think that could happen here" is a damn lie.
I mean, people say that this person hasn't killed anyone or robbed anyone or whatever but again, LOTS of people were murderers until they killed someone.
I don't watch scary movies/shows anymore. I barely watch the news and I don't read scary books except on accident. But still, I'm terrified all the time and even after working through the belief that I'm not safe anywhere I still believe it as much. I don't know how to stop believing it or calm down about it.
Maybe I will take a martial arts class. But Pete should probably take one too, because I startle easily and don't want to karate chop him to death because I didn't expect to turn the corner and find him in the kitchen.
Go.
My therapist suggested that it might be a good idea to go to karate or some kind of self defense class. She said, not just go but really learn it.
Apparently it might help with my paranoia.
So of course I said that was all well and good but what if I was sleeping and someone came into my house to attack me. Then I'd be attacked in a dead sleep, or I could be locked in a trunk and I'm not Sydney Bristow, I couldn't just hi-yah my way out of the trunk.
See, whenever someone (or myself) tries to reassure me that I'm safe...I can come up with at least 3 if not 4 ways they're wrong.
Get a dog- The killers could also kill the dog, they could feed it frozen hot dogs to distract it, I could have one of those broken dogs that doesn't bark at strangers
Get an alarm system- The wires could be cut, I could forget to set it, a contractor could figure out the code and disarm it, a worker could just hide in my house without leaving so they're ALREADY IN THE HOUSE when I set the alarm and go to bed.
Get a gun- OH LORD. People are killed with their own guns all the time, my friend had a gun feet from her and was still murdered, I would probably end up shooting my cats or Pete before I actually used it on an attacker
So on and so on I can go. Because I know there are exceptions to all the rules. I know that attacks can happen anywhere. I know the saying, "I didn't think that could happen here" is a damn lie.
I mean, people say that this person hasn't killed anyone or robbed anyone or whatever but again, LOTS of people were murderers until they killed someone.
I don't watch scary movies/shows anymore. I barely watch the news and I don't read scary books except on accident. But still, I'm terrified all the time and even after working through the belief that I'm not safe anywhere I still believe it as much. I don't know how to stop believing it or calm down about it.
Maybe I will take a martial arts class. But Pete should probably take one too, because I startle easily and don't want to karate chop him to death because I didn't expect to turn the corner and find him in the kitchen.
7.15.2011
Five Minutes: Loss
Ok, the rule is to type for five minutes and post whatever vomits out of my fingertips. May God be with you all.
Go.
We walked out of the mall and the keys were inside the car. This was before cars were smart enough to not let you lock your keys inside of them. This was also before cell phones.
We waited by the car when mom walked back into the mall to call dad on a payphone. It took a long time and it was quite black out when she returned.
She said dad was on his way, her voice sounded funny.
As we stood next to the car she paused and then said, Ellen died today.
I couldn't wrap my head around it. This idea that she was gone. The idea that I wouldn't be able to talk to her anymore.
In the typical teenage way I decided firmly at that moment that I wouldn't eat cinnamon toast anymore. David Letterman wouldn't be funny again.
I was immediately struck with regret, for not asking her more.
Why didn't she get married?
Why did she dedicate her life to raising and caring for a selfish woman's children?
Was it because of the selfish woman and she knew from the beginning that she would need to protect those children from such a woman as her sister was?
Who did she whisper to when she didn't realize other people were around?
Did she ever regret not learning to drive, not being more independent, not creating a separate identity from her sister?
I still feel the loss. The loss of not asking. The loss of taking her for granted and the loss of not being old enough or mature enough to understand what it was she did for me when I was in that house with those women.
The funeral director for my Gma's funeral said that grief isn't something that is there and then gone. That most of the time grief is a new addition to your life that you simply learn to live beside. There are times it's more acute than others, but it never goes away. This loss.
Done.
Go.
We walked out of the mall and the keys were inside the car. This was before cars were smart enough to not let you lock your keys inside of them. This was also before cell phones.
We waited by the car when mom walked back into the mall to call dad on a payphone. It took a long time and it was quite black out when she returned.
She said dad was on his way, her voice sounded funny.
As we stood next to the car she paused and then said, Ellen died today.
I couldn't wrap my head around it. This idea that she was gone. The idea that I wouldn't be able to talk to her anymore.
In the typical teenage way I decided firmly at that moment that I wouldn't eat cinnamon toast anymore. David Letterman wouldn't be funny again.
I was immediately struck with regret, for not asking her more.
Why didn't she get married?
Why did she dedicate her life to raising and caring for a selfish woman's children?
Was it because of the selfish woman and she knew from the beginning that she would need to protect those children from such a woman as her sister was?
Who did she whisper to when she didn't realize other people were around?
Did she ever regret not learning to drive, not being more independent, not creating a separate identity from her sister?
I still feel the loss. The loss of not asking. The loss of taking her for granted and the loss of not being old enough or mature enough to understand what it was she did for me when I was in that house with those women.
The funeral director for my Gma's funeral said that grief isn't something that is there and then gone. That most of the time grief is a new addition to your life that you simply learn to live beside. There are times it's more acute than others, but it never goes away. This loss.
Done.
7.08.2011
Five Minute Friday: Time
Ok, the rule is to type for five minutes and post whatever vomits out of my fingertips. May God be with you all.
Go.
I am always aware of what time it. ALWAYS.
When I ask you what time it is (with a few exceptions, like when I'm in the pool) I am asking you because I want you to be aware of what time it is too.
Passive Aggressive, probably (and as an aside whenever I need to spell aggressive I do the little cheer in my head "be aggressive b-e aggressive b-e-a-g-g-r-e-s-s-i-v-e so I don't spell it wrong)
But I have this need to be on schedule, this need to know what's going to happen when and how and for how long. It makes me feel safe and more prepared for what's to come.
Last weekend there was a moment in the pool at Jake and Cody's when I felt completely relaxed. Not a care in the world. I have to admit, it felt nice.
But it didn't last.
Even worse I was told in therapy this week that after a lot (A LOT) of work on relationships we are transitioning into working on safety issues. On feeling safe and being safe and learning how to manage the hyper aware state that I can jump into in an instant and stay in for days.
I told her I didn't want to do it.
But apparently it's important so I'm doing it anyway.
Because it's time that I stopped finding my comfort in my hyper aware of time and surroundings and start feeling safe again. It's just scary. Because for any scenario when you tell me why I should be safe in this place or that place I can tell you 5 ways it's not safe. I did it to my therapist last night.
In the face of overwhelming proof, I choose to believe I'm not safe. Because I never feel safe.
But it's time I did.
Done.
Go.
I am always aware of what time it. ALWAYS.
When I ask you what time it is (with a few exceptions, like when I'm in the pool) I am asking you because I want you to be aware of what time it is too.
Passive Aggressive, probably (and as an aside whenever I need to spell aggressive I do the little cheer in my head "be aggressive b-e aggressive b-e-a-g-g-r-e-s-s-i-v-e so I don't spell it wrong)
But I have this need to be on schedule, this need to know what's going to happen when and how and for how long. It makes me feel safe and more prepared for what's to come.
Last weekend there was a moment in the pool at Jake and Cody's when I felt completely relaxed. Not a care in the world. I have to admit, it felt nice.
But it didn't last.
Even worse I was told in therapy this week that after a lot (A LOT) of work on relationships we are transitioning into working on safety issues. On feeling safe and being safe and learning how to manage the hyper aware state that I can jump into in an instant and stay in for days.
I told her I didn't want to do it.
But apparently it's important so I'm doing it anyway.
Because it's time that I stopped finding my comfort in my hyper aware of time and surroundings and start feeling safe again. It's just scary. Because for any scenario when you tell me why I should be safe in this place or that place I can tell you 5 ways it's not safe. I did it to my therapist last night.
In the face of overwhelming proof, I choose to believe I'm not safe. Because I never feel safe.
But it's time I did.
Done.
7.04.2011
Five Minute Friday (Monday Edition): Wonder
Since Friday was the 1st of the month (which is Good Things day!) I'm posting a Five Minute Friday on Monday. Try to keep up will you...
Ok, the rule is to type for five minutes and post whatever vomits out of my fingertips. May God be with you all.
Go.
Wonder.
Sometimes I just sit back and watch the world around me with wonder. I wonder when it's going to be acceptable to just be honest with each other and ourselves. I wonder if I can maintain all of my bravado and ask the 5 word question I need to ask to that person when I need to ask it.
Because I wonder.
I wonder if they'll tell me the truth
I wonder if they lie if I'll even know it
I wonder why I care so much
Then I remember. Because when I find out that you lie I feel like a fool. Your lying shames me even if I did nothing wrong.
Your underhanded and duplicitous ways confuse and entangle me in a web of deceit I want no part of anymore.
So I wonder if you can stop.
I wonder if you really want to.
I wonder where and when to draw the line in pursuit of this relationship because I already feel scared and unsafe and the relationship hasn't even begun.
But I wonder....where is the grace filled line.
The line where I give you grace and in the calmest and most respectful and straightforward manner tell you that if this doesn't stop I can't continue to build this relationship with you.
I wonder what that means to my other relationships, if they will judge me harshly for setting a boundary and telling you that you cannot cross it or I cannot be in relationship to you.
In theory I know it's healthy. In theory I know it's good. But I wonder what reality will do to that theory and I wonder at my ability to maintain the healthy boundary because if the past is any indication of my future it will be a blurry line that you are fully capable of pushing.
But still I wonder, because I want to try. I want to try to ask you the question and if the answer is yes I want to get up and leave and tell you that I could love you and care for you but there have to be some ground rules or else it's just another uneven relationship with you shaming me with your lies and me saying please ma'am, may I have another.
I feel strong.
But I wonder if I'm strong enough.
Done.
Ok, the rule is to type for five minutes and post whatever vomits out of my fingertips. May God be with you all.
Go.
Wonder.
Sometimes I just sit back and watch the world around me with wonder. I wonder when it's going to be acceptable to just be honest with each other and ourselves. I wonder if I can maintain all of my bravado and ask the 5 word question I need to ask to that person when I need to ask it.
Because I wonder.
I wonder if they'll tell me the truth
I wonder if they lie if I'll even know it
I wonder why I care so much
Then I remember. Because when I find out that you lie I feel like a fool. Your lying shames me even if I did nothing wrong.
Your underhanded and duplicitous ways confuse and entangle me in a web of deceit I want no part of anymore.
So I wonder if you can stop.
I wonder if you really want to.
I wonder where and when to draw the line in pursuit of this relationship because I already feel scared and unsafe and the relationship hasn't even begun.
But I wonder....where is the grace filled line.
The line where I give you grace and in the calmest and most respectful and straightforward manner tell you that if this doesn't stop I can't continue to build this relationship with you.
I wonder what that means to my other relationships, if they will judge me harshly for setting a boundary and telling you that you cannot cross it or I cannot be in relationship to you.
In theory I know it's healthy. In theory I know it's good. But I wonder what reality will do to that theory and I wonder at my ability to maintain the healthy boundary because if the past is any indication of my future it will be a blurry line that you are fully capable of pushing.
But still I wonder, because I want to try. I want to try to ask you the question and if the answer is yes I want to get up and leave and tell you that I could love you and care for you but there have to be some ground rules or else it's just another uneven relationship with you shaming me with your lies and me saying please ma'am, may I have another.
I feel strong.
But I wonder if I'm strong enough.
Done.
6.17.2011
Five Minutes: Flirting
Ok, the rule is to type for five minutes and post whatever vomits out of my fingertips. May God be with you all.
Go.
I'm going to go ahead and tell you that I am rife with awkwardness when it comes to male/female relationships. I tell boys that turtles breath out of their butts, I race to open the door for myself and laugh super loud at inappropriate times.
But my major issue is this:
I can't tell when someone is just being nice and when they are flirting.
When I think someone is flirting people say, "They're just being nice"
When I think someone is just being nice people say, "Oh no, they're flirting with you!"
I just don't know.
But I'm also going to say that there is someone that is being nice to me and I girlishly think he's a little handsome, kind and fun to talk to. I just can't tell if he's being nice or flirting.
I also refuse to do anything about it because so far I'm still holding (mostly) steady in my no dating on purpose rule.
But then again, it's easy to not date when no one is asking you out.
I don't even know that I want anything to happen, I'm just saying...if dude could hold up a sign that says flirting or nice then it would make things a lot less awkward in my head.
For now, I think I'll just chill and enjoy the conversation.
Done
Go.
I'm going to go ahead and tell you that I am rife with awkwardness when it comes to male/female relationships. I tell boys that turtles breath out of their butts, I race to open the door for myself and laugh super loud at inappropriate times.
But my major issue is this:
I can't tell when someone is just being nice and when they are flirting.
When I think someone is flirting people say, "They're just being nice"
When I think someone is just being nice people say, "Oh no, they're flirting with you!"
I just don't know.
But I'm also going to say that there is someone that is being nice to me and I girlishly think he's a little handsome, kind and fun to talk to. I just can't tell if he's being nice or flirting.
I also refuse to do anything about it because so far I'm still holding (mostly) steady in my no dating on purpose rule.
But then again, it's easy to not date when no one is asking you out.
I don't even know that I want anything to happen, I'm just saying...if dude could hold up a sign that says flirting or nice then it would make things a lot less awkward in my head.
For now, I think I'll just chill and enjoy the conversation.
Done
6.10.2011
Five Minutes: One Day
Ok, the rule is to type for five minutes and post whatever vomits out of my fingertips. May God be with you all.
Go.
I'm a procrastinator. Sometimes I think that's a fancy way to say lazy.
I always think that one day I'll get to this, one day I'll get to that and then next thing you know I have to rush through and do everything at once because of everything I've put off.
I get overwhelmed easily. My house is a hot mess right now because of the bathroom renovation. My bedroom and bathroom stuff is spread all over the house and it's stressing me out. The back fence is being power washed so when it's nice out we're power washing the fence instead of cleaning up the house and putting last minute touches on the bathroom.
So when I walk inside I'm already tired from power washing and working and I just can't deal with picking up and cleaning stuff in the house.
Because it's just to much.
There's just to much stuff sitting out and around and the places they need to go back to aren't ready for them yet so they sit in the middle of the living room or 2nd & 3rd bedroom and annoy the crap out of me.
Emotionally I do the same thing. I let things build because the little things aren't really a big deal until they are, or until they are added to a myriad of other little things and I'm hacked off and pissed or hurt.
There's a lot of emotional chaos going on in my heart right now. I'm making a big change (that we'll talk about later) and also with therapy and working on building intentional and healthy adult female relationships I'm just overwhelmed. I look at it all and I can hardly think of what small step to take next because there is just so much to be done.
But I just try to do it anyway. One little step at a time. Remembering that Rome wasn't built in a day and my heart will certainly not be repaired in one either. I try to remember it took my mind 31 years to get to the jaded and wounded place it is now and it may take me years to repair it.
But I'm trying anyway.
Go.
I'm a procrastinator. Sometimes I think that's a fancy way to say lazy.
I always think that one day I'll get to this, one day I'll get to that and then next thing you know I have to rush through and do everything at once because of everything I've put off.
I get overwhelmed easily. My house is a hot mess right now because of the bathroom renovation. My bedroom and bathroom stuff is spread all over the house and it's stressing me out. The back fence is being power washed so when it's nice out we're power washing the fence instead of cleaning up the house and putting last minute touches on the bathroom.
So when I walk inside I'm already tired from power washing and working and I just can't deal with picking up and cleaning stuff in the house.
Because it's just to much.
There's just to much stuff sitting out and around and the places they need to go back to aren't ready for them yet so they sit in the middle of the living room or 2nd & 3rd bedroom and annoy the crap out of me.
Emotionally I do the same thing. I let things build because the little things aren't really a big deal until they are, or until they are added to a myriad of other little things and I'm hacked off and pissed or hurt.
There's a lot of emotional chaos going on in my heart right now. I'm making a big change (that we'll talk about later) and also with therapy and working on building intentional and healthy adult female relationships I'm just overwhelmed. I look at it all and I can hardly think of what small step to take next because there is just so much to be done.
But I just try to do it anyway. One little step at a time. Remembering that Rome wasn't built in a day and my heart will certainly not be repaired in one either. I try to remember it took my mind 31 years to get to the jaded and wounded place it is now and it may take me years to repair it.
But I'm trying anyway.
one day, my relationships won’t carry the stain of abandonment. one day, i won’t fear the Beauty inside – one day the healing will be complete and i’ll be able to take these things i carry and see them for what they really are: scars that reveal i survived.Done.
(via: Elora Nicole)
6.03.2011
Five Minutes: Forgetting
Ok, the rule is to type for five minutes and post whatever vomits out of my fingertips. May God be with you all.
Go.
I remember the oddest things. I remember that when I cracked my chin open in kindergarten that Nathan Mestrey tripped me with the television cord and I was wearing my favorite purple shirt with a bow on the front and that I ruined it because I pulled it off while rushing down the hallway with Mrs. Nye with blood gushing out of my face.
I remember all sorts of details that are useless and unimportant.
Lately in therapy I've been asked to write completely sensory details of instances of abuse or trauma that I've pushed down all these years. She asked me to write about the colors, textures, the smells and everything down to the smallest detail like the wallpaper or the color of the carpet.
I tried really hard to do it but I kept cracking jokes.
After I read it aloud to her she noted that I use the sarcasm as a buffer between me and the trauma.
Um...duh lady.
So I wrote about another occasion. The trigger situation that sent me spiraling back down and drove me to therapy. The straw that broke the camels back as it were.
But this time I just wrote. I wrote like I write here. With the tears pouring from my fingertips without worrying about the sensory part of it. Ten handwritten pages later I found how hurt I still was and how much that wound is still raw even as I'm working through it still. How much easier it is to be mad or hurt about this then about the wounds that were created before I had any say in what my life looked like.
As I read it aloud in the office I heard that even though it still hurts I'm seeing the pattern and ties that connect the trauma I've been sarcastically keeping at bay to the last year of my life.
Because even though I have a great memory I'd forgotten how deeply the cuts run and how pervasive they are because I'd buried them under stories told in just such a way covered with decades of sarcasm.
Done.
Go.
I remember the oddest things. I remember that when I cracked my chin open in kindergarten that Nathan Mestrey tripped me with the television cord and I was wearing my favorite purple shirt with a bow on the front and that I ruined it because I pulled it off while rushing down the hallway with Mrs. Nye with blood gushing out of my face.
I remember all sorts of details that are useless and unimportant.
Lately in therapy I've been asked to write completely sensory details of instances of abuse or trauma that I've pushed down all these years. She asked me to write about the colors, textures, the smells and everything down to the smallest detail like the wallpaper or the color of the carpet.
I tried really hard to do it but I kept cracking jokes.
After I read it aloud to her she noted that I use the sarcasm as a buffer between me and the trauma.
Um...duh lady.
So I wrote about another occasion. The trigger situation that sent me spiraling back down and drove me to therapy. The straw that broke the camels back as it were.
But this time I just wrote. I wrote like I write here. With the tears pouring from my fingertips without worrying about the sensory part of it. Ten handwritten pages later I found how hurt I still was and how much that wound is still raw even as I'm working through it still. How much easier it is to be mad or hurt about this then about the wounds that were created before I had any say in what my life looked like.
As I read it aloud in the office I heard that even though it still hurts I'm seeing the pattern and ties that connect the trauma I've been sarcastically keeping at bay to the last year of my life.
Because even though I have a great memory I'd forgotten how deeply the cuts run and how pervasive they are because I'd buried them under stories told in just such a way covered with decades of sarcasm.
Done.
4.29.2011
Five Minutes: Dresses
Ok, the rule is to type for five minutes and post whatever vomits out of my fingertips. May God be with you all.
I've been on a dress buying kick lately. Specifically maxi dresses. The jersey material that is usually long and flowy with an empire waist.
I even bought heels to go with the dresses (ok, so they're like stacked heely things...there's a specific work but I don't know it...I want to say ramp, but I know that's not right)
Then when I wear them I feel all pretty and girly and frilly. People compliment me and tell me I look cute...or they balk at the shock of seeing my legs.
I also have been on a clothes buying spree. Soft fabrics and layers of color, different necklines and even some fancy pants jewelry.
I've been wearing makeup (ok, foundation and mascara at least) every day and touching up with powder throughout the day.
But the truth is, I still feel mostly like a fraud.
People tell me I look pretty and I'm fairly certain they're just telling me that because they don't know what else to say.
I see myself in the mirror or my reflection in a mirror and I pause wondering what they saw that was even remotely beautiful.
It's terrible.
But I also am recognizing the patterns and trying to push through them. Believing people despite my every instinct screaming that they are just being nice or that they are buttering me up for something they need or want.
Either way, I'm looking distinctly more feminine than I have in a long time.
And scene.
I've been on a dress buying kick lately. Specifically maxi dresses. The jersey material that is usually long and flowy with an empire waist.
I even bought heels to go with the dresses (ok, so they're like stacked heely things...there's a specific work but I don't know it...I want to say ramp, but I know that's not right)
Then when I wear them I feel all pretty and girly and frilly. People compliment me and tell me I look cute...or they balk at the shock of seeing my legs.
I also have been on a clothes buying spree. Soft fabrics and layers of color, different necklines and even some fancy pants jewelry.
I've been wearing makeup (ok, foundation and mascara at least) every day and touching up with powder throughout the day.
But the truth is, I still feel mostly like a fraud.
People tell me I look pretty and I'm fairly certain they're just telling me that because they don't know what else to say.
I see myself in the mirror or my reflection in a mirror and I pause wondering what they saw that was even remotely beautiful.
It's terrible.
But I also am recognizing the patterns and trying to push through them. Believing people despite my every instinct screaming that they are just being nice or that they are buttering me up for something they need or want.
Either way, I'm looking distinctly more feminine than I have in a long time.
And scene.
4.22.2011
Five Minutes: Denise
Each year around this time my thoughts turn more and more towards Denise.
I think about her a lot on other days but this time is usually the most filled with her memory.
Easter is late again this year, just like it was 11 years ago.
Easter Sunday falls on the anniversary of her death.
It's a hard thing really, this juxtaposition of death with a holiday that represents resurrection and victory over death.
But this year I'm holding tight to that victory over death and the promise of the cross. That one day I'll see Denise again and she will be whole and complete in Christ.
Because really, what else can I do?
I think about her a lot on other days but this time is usually the most filled with her memory.
Easter is late again this year, just like it was 11 years ago.
Easter Sunday falls on the anniversary of her death.
It's a hard thing really, this juxtaposition of death with a holiday that represents resurrection and victory over death.
But this year I'm holding tight to that victory over death and the promise of the cross. That one day I'll see Denise again and she will be whole and complete in Christ.
Because really, what else can I do?
4.15.2011
Five Minutes: Fun Facts
Ok, the rule is to type for five minutes and post whatever vomits out of my fingertips. May God be with you all.
The outfit that I am wearing to work today (Wednesday 5/13) is not working for me at all. The thin sweatery throw isn't sitting deep enough on my arms and my bra straps keep poking out. It's awkward.
I just finished listening to Bossypants by Tina Fey. She read it. Now I speak like her on the phone with customers. It is awesome.
Often when I drive places that are confusing to get to or have difficult parking situations I just turn around and go back. The exception to this rule is when I'm meeting people, which I am heading to do now. Then I feel bad but get all sorts of cranky pants about the parking situation and grump all the way up to the very minute I greet my friends. When I greet them I morph into the, "C'mon Bethany. Put on your game face and get along to get along already". I resent that face a lot but feel incapable of doing anything else without becoming a social pariah.
I have two monitors at work now. This means I am able to work in our system while also seeing what's happening on the Internet popping up in my work email so I can jump on it immediately. But seriously, it's pretty great. I was campaigning for it for a long time and now it's here. All my professional goals have now been reached. Thank you and good day.
I SAID GOOD DAY!
Also, I am having work done at my house. Prepare yourself for the onslaught of updates and various "Bethany is freaking out and needs to "verbally" process the terror that is having men (even men I know haven't murdered anyone else) in my house without me there".
I mean, ALL killers weren't killers until they murdered someone right?
I mean, ALL killers weren't killers until they murdered someone right?
See also, the last sentence is not helping my fear of killers.
And....scene.
Have a good weekend!
4.08.2011
Five Minutes: Harry Potter
Ok, the rule is to type for five minutes and post whatever vomits out of my fingertips. May God be with you all.
Part one of the 7th Harry Potter movie comes out in 7 days. I have already pre-ordered it.
Last week I went to Barnes & Noble with mom to look at Nook accessories for her new Nook and we wandered into the section with Harry Potter books.
I sighed.
She asked what.
I said, "I wish I could go back to before I ever read Harry Potter or knew anything about the books at all just so I could experience them again for the first time."
Then...not even kidding....I teared up.
Then...not even kidding....I teared up.
I am nerdalicious.
I watched the most recent movie 3 times in the theater (and would have gone a 4th if it hadn't disappeared from the dollar theater before I could make it back). I plan to just look the movie on my tv for the next few months while I breathlessly anticipate the release of the 2nd part of the final movie.
I'm a little choked up just thinking about it now.
Last week the family also went to Great Wolf Lodge as part of a staycation. There is something called MagiQuest that involves a wand and unlocking clues throughout the lodge. I was ---><--- this close to buying a wand and talking Matthew into doing it with me because I wanted the wand.
I mean, in my 31 year old head I realize it's just wand and a stick of some sort, but I NEEDED it.
I didn't end up buying it, I'm saving up for my trip to Universal Studios so I can have Olivander help me pick out my wand.
What? I said I was nerdalicious didn't I?
3.25.2011
Five Minute Friday: Friday Friday
I think I'm going to start doing Five Minute Fridays every Friday...maybe.
Ok, the rule is to type for five minutes and post whatever vomits out of my fingertips. May God be with you all.
First of all, I can't get this song out of my head. I also think the girl looks like Indina from Wicked and Leah Michelle from Glee (not that I watch Glee but you can't walk around with your eyes and ears open and not know who she is right now)
Sorry in advance for getting the chorus stuck in your head.
I get to go home tonight! Finally done dogsitting for a few days at least. I'm super excited to go home.
Jake and Cody might be coming into town, plans are still up in the air because of a death in Cody's family but if they make it we're just going to lay around like slugs and be merry. I also bought a game for us all to play together. Thanks to my Geek Games peeps for introducing me to this funny story telling game.
I'm super excited about the birthday gift Sharen and I are giving mom for her birthday, but Mom has found this blog before so I can't tell you what it is until after we give it to her.
Whenever I refer to a gift know that I only type gift because I never know if it's present or presant and I'm too lazy to google and find out what the correct usage is; see also, too and to in my grammatically challenged repertoire.
Hmm, what else can I tell you?
Oh, I got contacts again after over a year of only glasses. My self esteem has improved by roughly 67.4%. I hate that I felt that way but glasses really made me feel dumpy and I decided I was going to make contacts a priority so I wouldn't slump around all the time anymore.
Alright, 5 minutes! Hope you all have a great Friday Friday cause you gotta get down on Friday. Everybody's lookin' forward to the weekend weekend. Friday Friday gettin' down on Friday. Everybody's lookin' forward to the weekend.
3.11.2011
Five Minutes: I think I'm paranoid
Some of the blogs I stalk read do this and I like it a lot. I needed a quick quick quick post for today so here you go. Five minutes of Bethany's Free Association....
Sometimes at night when I'm driving I notice that a car is following me to long. I see that it's the same car by the shape of the headlights of the outline of the drivers head (yes, I notice the shadowy shapes of the drivers heads behind me just in case I have to testify later in court).
If they follow me to long I get very worried they are stalking me, waiting for me to get home so they can break in later and murder me.
So I ditch em.
Literally
I will take evasive action and I will swerve in and out of neighborhoods and parking lots until they aren't behind me anymore.
The scariest nights are the ones when I weave in and out of neighborhoods and it's several turns and they're still behind me. I hold my breath and almost start to cry I'm so afraid. But then they turn into their house and the garage door opens and I can exhale.
My therapist said one of my symptoms is that I'm constantly on high alert to anything that could go wrong or anything threatening. I'm not sure there was ever a more true statement in my life. She also said I have a hard time calming down.
On the nights I have to take evasive maneuvers coming home I usually will stand at the window or the door for several minutes, once as long as 30 minutes and watch for that car to come by, just in case they were evading my evasive maneuvers.
At my house I have a big front window and sliding glass back door. Usually I open the back door curtains and stand at the front door nervously glancing back at the back door until I feel calm again because they might have parked on the side street to break into the back door.
There you go, a creepy little glimpse into my paranoia for your Friday. Hope you're all having a great day!
Sometimes at night when I'm driving I notice that a car is following me to long. I see that it's the same car by the shape of the headlights of the outline of the drivers head (yes, I notice the shadowy shapes of the drivers heads behind me just in case I have to testify later in court).
If they follow me to long I get very worried they are stalking me, waiting for me to get home so they can break in later and murder me.
So I ditch em.
Literally
I will take evasive action and I will swerve in and out of neighborhoods and parking lots until they aren't behind me anymore.
The scariest nights are the ones when I weave in and out of neighborhoods and it's several turns and they're still behind me. I hold my breath and almost start to cry I'm so afraid. But then they turn into their house and the garage door opens and I can exhale.
My therapist said one of my symptoms is that I'm constantly on high alert to anything that could go wrong or anything threatening. I'm not sure there was ever a more true statement in my life. She also said I have a hard time calming down.
On the nights I have to take evasive maneuvers coming home I usually will stand at the window or the door for several minutes, once as long as 30 minutes and watch for that car to come by, just in case they were evading my evasive maneuvers.
At my house I have a big front window and sliding glass back door. Usually I open the back door curtains and stand at the front door nervously glancing back at the back door until I feel calm again because they might have parked on the side street to break into the back door.
There you go, a creepy little glimpse into my paranoia for your Friday. Hope you're all having a great day!
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