Relevent Singleness

I read this article in my google reader and just nodded along the entire time. With few exceptions this is exactly what I've been trying to say about being single for YEARS.
Read it.
Even if you're not single.
Because it might help you understand your chronically single people better, and let's just say we singles work to understand our married friends so maybe you can work to understand us a little too.

Until I quit dating and decided to pursue celibacy, I’d never actually met a single Christian who was not interested in finding a mate. Have you ever met someone who has chosen singleness? I am not talking about being single as an inevitable state before getting married. Being not-yet-married is not the same as making a conscious decision to forsake the possibility of love and marriage in order to pursue the Lord's work wholeheartedly. I am referring to singleness or celibacy as an act of sacrificial worship, offering one's body as a living sacrifice to God (Romans 12:1-2).

More than five years ago, as a twentysomething, career-oriented woman, I decided to pursue celibacy. My decision was not well thought-out; on the heels of a breakup, I decided to drop out of the dating-and-romance race for one year. As I came to depend more on prayer, Scripture and meditation to exert control over my mind and body, I not only persevered through my new austere life style, but found it to be a profound learning experience. I realized I came to see men as more complex people when there was no possibility that romance could develop. I found I had much more time to devote to my Lord's service without all the excitement of meeting guys, dating them and eventually moving on. Now, not quite six years down this road, I love celibacy. It has been a profound experience of growth and worship. I would be honored if God saw fit to keep me single. On the other hand, I have taken no vow; I am not a nun. If it becomes clear than marriage is right for me, I can live with that too. No matter which path I follow, I will always be an advocate for singleness because I deeply believe that it is part of God's plan.

So, why choose singleness?

There are a couple of direct New Testament references to singleness. Our Lord said: "For some are eunuchs because they were born that way; others were made that way by men; and others have renounced marriage because of the kingdom of heaven. The one who can accept this should accept it" (Matthew 19:12).

While Jesus gave validity to the single life in this passage from Matthew, it was the apostle Paul who explained in detail why singleness can be such a productive lifestyle choice for those who serve God.

"I would like you to be free from concern. An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord's affairs—how he can please the Lord. But a married man is concerned about the affairs of this world—how he can please his wife— and his interests are divided. An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord's affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world—how she can please her husband. I am saying this for your own good, not to restrict you, but that you may live in a right way in undivided devotion to the Lord" (I Corinthians 7: 32-35).

So, are singles part of God's plan? Jesus indicates they are. Why is singleness useful in the Kingdom? Paul explains that following God with reckless abandon requires people to leave behind all earthly attachments that distract them from the Lord's affairs.

These two passages really cut to the heart of me. I do want to offer my whole life to my God's service. I long for my heart to be aligned with His. If remaining single will make me more available for His service, then I can think of no better use of my life.

In the last few years that I have been pursuing celibacy, I have been shocked to hear some of the assumptions people make about single Christian women. No, I don't feel like God owes me a husband and I don't feel disappointed that one has not appeared. No, I don't have trouble getting dates. In fact, I have become an expert at avoiding and/or turning down potential suitors. No, my father wasn't absent or abusive or bad to my mother. He is a good Christian man who has been a faithful, loving husband and father for more than 30 years. And no, I am not angry at men, hiding from men, gay or sexually confused.

Yet I do understand why so many folks need to "explain" my choice. Our culture, both the larger culture and our Western, protestant, church culture, has no place for single women. There are no official channels for women who wish to dedicate their lives to the Lord's service. If a woman chooses to give up the possibility of being a wife and giving birth to children, then that woman must be damaged in some way, right? Truth be told, I do not believe anyone consciously thinks I am damaged. But I do suspect, based on the concerned looks and pitiful glances of the church folk, many of my brothers and sisters think I am settling for a lesser version of God's will, a sadder, lonelier life than what God intended for me. In fact, I am wholeheartedly engaging life, serving my God with loyalties undivided. I feel nothing less than blessed.

Although I love my life, I am making a sacrifice. The idea of spending the rest of my life without sex ... well, that is a hard reality to bear. Also, I admit that, in fits of girlishness, I have indulged in imagining who my perfect match would be—what that big, strong, humble, God-fearing man would be like. I have the occasional weak moment, moments of doubt or frustration.

Neither the pitiful glances nor the moments of doubt have led me to question my decision. Somehow Jesus makes celibacy seem like such a good deal. "'I tell you the truth,' Jesus said to them, 'no one who has left home or wife or brothers or parents or children for the sake of the kingdom of God will fail to receive many times as much in this age and, in the age to come, eternal life'" (Luke 18:29-30). In this life, I choose Jesus and gladly follow His lead wherever we may go. I believe that whatever I give up will be restored to me in ways I cannot possibly fathom. For now, I will continue to pursue celibacy as a spiritual discipline and an act of sacrificial worship, giving cheerfully from what I have to a God who has given me everything.

Going to the Chapel

Alright, this may cost me my single and proud of it card but this is to hilarious to not share.
First, an important piece of information...I have a small crush on someone

I went to bed last night and first, had a dream that the Sugarbaker women built the Panama Canal. But that's because I watched a PBS documentary about the building of the Panama Canal and recently watched the 30 Rock where Liz gave the Sugarbaker speech to the writers. 
After I woke up, and tweeted that dream I fell back asleep and the following happened...

 I had a dream that I flirted, then dated, then got engaged to a person of interest to me. In the dream he lived in a city about 4 hours away and I was moving there to join him. In the dream I told my parents I was moving to that city, and they then announced their intent to retire to that city...I fear those things are connected in some way. 
 I also decided to let Pete continue to live in my house and rent it. But the hilarious thing is in my dream I actually worked through the math of how much his rent would be for the whole house etc etc. I mean, I did ACTUAL math while dreaming.

Even more so I actually moved to this new town, and went through most of the process of planning the wedding. I even fought with my "fiance" about what church we would be married in and who we would be married by.
 
It was quite ridiculous, and hopefully not prophetic (although as I do very much enjoy the town this person lived in in my dream and also as I mentioned earlier I have a small crush on him)

Feel free to shame me now.....

Like forgetting the words to your favorite song

I love song lyrics. I post them a lot and several posts are inspired by lyrics I hear randomly during the day, and also lyrics that I hear in my head from days gone by.

My parents used to get frustrated with me because I would know and quote or sing along to all these songs but I couldn't figure out how to memorize the information I needed for my history exam.
I've had a million favorite songs throughout the years. I've held multiple favorites at the same time. I've learned when I can listen to certain types of music because sad music on a sad day is not a good combination for me. I can't listen to Limp Bizkit and NIN hardly anymore because I've have a history of being a sad angry girl and those songs just encourage me along the path of being filled with killing rage.

So I'm trying to forget the words to the songs I don't need to sing anymore. I don't need to be so angry because I'm leaving the things and people I've fought to intensely with behind. I don't need to be the sad girl because I look around and see so much joy in my life.
But it's hard. This forgetting of my favorite song lyrics.
Because they come into my head like old friends dropping in for a visit. Reminiscing and sighing over how we've all changed but are still exactly the same.

But even more so, I'm finding that you are like the words to my favorite song. I sang it every moment of every day for so damn long. I can conjure it up to keep me warm and I linger on the memories of way back when.
Then one day, I stumble over a line or two. Another day the chorus comes to me a little bit harder, it takes me a little longer to remember how to hum the tune of you and me.
It's taking a lot of work. It's taking a lot of new songs and a lot of time intentionally not singing the song of loving you, but I'm learning to forget the words to my favorite song and see the beauty in these new lyrics.

It's like forgetting the words to your favorite song
You can't believe it
You were always singing along
It was so easy and the words so sweet
You can't remember
You try to move your feet
It was so easy and the words so sweet
You can't remember, you try to feel the beat

Tension

I don't like tension.
I don't like it between other people. I'm the one trying to help them work it out even when I'm not supposed to be involved. I don't like tension between myself and others, I want to address it, get it all aired out and resolved. Then I want to forget that it ever happened.
I especially don't like tension when I feel it in myself and even more so when I can't explain why it's there.

I've been trying to work through some of this tension that I've been feeling as a single girl in a married world and it's just overwhelming. I'm trying to make sure that I'm not stridently single because I'm hiding or if it's because that's what God wants for me, at least right now.
Add to all this the marriage series at my church and a few specific conversations about my relationship status and I'm feeling the tension. I don't like it.

I know that a lot of the pressure I feel is pressure I put on myself. Pressure to seem sane, normal, included, not affected. I spend a lot of energy trying to appear unaffected by this tension, when in reality I'm very affected. This is probably no surprise to those of you I talk to on a regular basis since I drop this topic into random conversations and end up trailing off in voice and person before finishing a thought.
All I know is on one hand I know that it is fine to be intentionally single, non-married, non-dating, that I'm happy with it and can't imagine my life any other way for now. But on the other hand I've been feeling really damaged about it. I've been feeling as if there is something wrong with me that I don't even want it.
I'm afraid to talk about it, afraid that people will assume it's a case of the lady doth protest to much.
So if I act all twitchy and awkward about it, that's why. That...or the killers.

Freak Out

Let me preface this by saying that there are very few times I have ever had the thought, "I should get married..." (And that there will be a lot of parenthetical asides in this post (and maybe some cursing))(It can be like a drinking game, parenthetical aside? Take a shot!)
But I've been traipsing down a trail of marital longing for the last week.
Why you ask?
Health insurance and money.
I need a rich rich husband so I don't have to be self disciplined or careful about money in any way. (What? I can't be the only one that ever had that thought)

It's interesting to me the way that all of this is coming to a head since I spent most of 2009 telling myself I needed to get on track financially and start sticking to my budget and being better about savings. (Which...unsurprisingly I didn't really do...)
Our health insurance at work is switching to HSA (health savings account) and in addition to the monthly premium of about $120 I will need to save money in a HSA to pay for 100% of my medical costs (except well visits) up to $5000.
Thankfully I work for a pretty great company that is kicking in 1/2 of the deductible so I only have to meet $2500 of that. But as a relatively healthy, single, no dependant person there is no way I will hit that deductible without something catastrophic happening.

I briefly considered opting out of health insurance anyway but a good friend reminded me that as a homeowner I would be just 1 car accident or fall down the stairs away from losing my house...so I came to my senses.

Additionally I have to save money up in a FSA (flex spend) account to pay for some dental work I need to get done and for an eye exam and new contacts (or at the very least glasses). That's another $80ish per paycheck coming out.
I'm flat-ass broke people. I may or may not be completely freaking out and considering getting a THIRD job.

I don't freak out about much (ok I do, but not to this extent). I especially rarely sweat being single at 30 (Thirty flirting and thriving hellllo!). But when it comes to dealing with money and savings and paying all the bills I freak out and want to be married quick quick quick.
(This, if anything, should be a massive sign to those of you on the "Get Bethany Married" train why I should so not be married at the moment).
I mean, people care about my well being, my parents will help me if I just ask (which is the most daunting part) and Sharen will coupon her ass off to help me save at the grocery store. But really, it's on me. If I don't stick to the budget I'm the one that can't pay the bills. If I indulge in to much carryout/delivery then I'm the one that runs out of gas money.
For the most part it's me and only me that worries about paying the mortgage (although I think the mortgage holder is also concerned but in a non-committal type of way)

It just feels really overwhelming and I have cried FIVE TIMES about this. FIVE TIME. (FIVE!)
Ughtastic.
So I have to start shopping smarter at the grocery, I have to stop shopping in any other way. I need to be better about my gas usage (although I've started to carpool to work so that is fantastic). I have to just batten down the hatches and deal with it.
But really, I just feel like throwing myself on the floor and screaming about how unfair it is.

I don't often feel alone. But when trying to sort through all this insurance, budget, finance stuff I've just been feeling really really alone. Because even if your spouse isn't as engaged in the finances as you are they're at least in the boat with you.
If my boat sinks, I sink by myself. (and now I'm crying while typing this...shit)

Being an adult is hard and I feel like even though there are people that love me and want the best for me and will help me I feel like I'm the only person on my team. If I lose, I lose. The people that love me and want the best for me and will help me still have their own houses, their own teams (spouses), their own budgets to go back to.
It's all very whiny and I know for sure they are suburban white girl issues. That's why I titled this post "Freak Out" instead of "Completely rational line of thought based totally in reality".

This bring the freak out portion of the post to an end. Thank you for participating. Please allow your car to come to a complete stop before you exit.

Finally, I would like to say that I am humbled by the way that God is showing up in this. Especially considering all the tantrums I've been throwing his way lately. I got an email offering me $100 to babysit overnight for some kids that fits my schedule and I'm dog sitting for a week in February. So I know (I know) it will be fine. I just have to make adjustments and keep moving forward. It's just annoying and I'll stop typing there so I don't spin off into another irrational tangent.

ETA: I came home from work tonight and my basement was flooding thanks to a cracked toilet tank. It's will have it's own post later. But Whiskey.Tango.Foxtrot!

It

I thought about it once. Just once, but for almost a whole year.
Plans that I didn't even know I wanted were falling into place in my head. A future, a life, a home.
I thought about names, the places we would go, things we would talk about, things we would do.

It became deeply entrenched in my heart, this idea of it that I thought we were both on board with.
But it was all a farce. Well intended lies to keep tears from my eyes.
I think back still, to that almost year. I think about the tears that were bound to come either way and wonder.

How deeply entangled, detailed, hopeful it was. I can still remember the names, the places, the things we would do. I can still feel the sting on my cheeks from all the smiling I did.

It wasn't nearly as perfect as it all sounds. Not even close. Hind sight is often 20/20 but sometimes it's blurry and edited for adult content. Hind sight blurs the ugly, the billboard signs I missed, the way it really was.

It has damaged me in a way that causes me to withhold and withdraw in such an instinctual way I'm not sure who I really am in relationship to it anymore.
Because no matter who it is, I always wonder when the farce will end. When the truth will come out, when it will end with me alone feeling foolish.
I'm trying to not be jaded. I'm trying to not be "that girl" but it's becoming harder as it gets farther behind me.
No longer feeling foolish about falling for the farce, I only feel foolish for still being affected so deeply by it.

Seeing him still affects me. I don't want it to. I don't mean it to. There was this moment that I looked over and felt so detached, so disconnected from myself that I felt what it could be like to not be so affected. But then a brush of the leg, the sideways smile and I was reconnected to it.

What's it been over a decade?
It still smarts like it was four minutes ago
We only influenced each other totally
We only bruised each other even more so

How long can a girl be shackled to you
How long before my dignity is reclaimed
How long can a girl stay haunted by you
Soon I'll grow up and I won't even flinch at your name

-Flinch


Posts that may only be slightly related:
Your Woman
Wrap Me Up
Broken Things

All the demons look like prophets

I was sitting with a group of people the other night. All of them married, of course. They were saying things like, "my wife will tell you" "my husband knows this better than anyone" I just felt overcome by a sense of aloneness. Not loneliness per say, just this feeling of being unknown by someone that intimately but at the same time not really wanting to be known by someone that way.

The older I get the more I am surrounded by almost exclusively married people. Not that I mind all that much. I love my friends, married and otherwise.
It's just that sometimes, I don't want to be alone. I don't want a husband, but I don't want to be alone.
It's hard to explain that in the moment, because the easier answer for most of my married friends is to start dating (as if it's that easy). My 5 year old nephew has even told me that I need to go to "husband land to find a husband". I asked him where husband land was, he didn't seem to know, which wasn't very helpful.

I restrain myself from telling people that I don't want to be alone because most days I can't bear the idea of being alone. But I can't bear the idea of being married or even in a serious relationship either. So what's a girl to do?
There aren't many single ladies around my age (or even within 10 years of my age) that I hang out with or that are around for me to hang out with in my "circle". The ones I know live on the other end of the state (even though I keep begging them to move to Cincinnati)
It's all very whiney sounding in my head.

I know that marriage is good, important and lovely sometimes. I know that it's awful, stressfull and full of tension at other times. I'm not trying to imagine a marriage between Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan or anything. I'm just saying that when I'm sitting in a group of people that are all married I sometimes feel like standing up and shouting that not everyone there is married. Not everyone there has kids. Not everyone there that's single is looking (sometimes desperately) for a spouse to fill their arms.
So when we're all together, please don't look at me and say, "Oh you'll find out when you're married" or "Oh get ready when you have kids you'll..." because I don't know that I will, or that I even want to most days. Keep in mind I don't know that I won't or that I don't want to most days either.

I have a pretty high tolerance for all things marriage and babies, thanks to my lovely friends that are deeply entrenched in spouse and parenthood. I love my friends babies, I love their spouses and I love getting a glimpse into a marriage on some level. But on other levels, I'm more than happy to hand the babies back and go home to my empty house and dance around in my underpants without wondering if I'm bothering someone.

At the same time as all of that, I wonder. Do you know what I mean when I say I don't want to be alone? Because I don't know most of the time, it changes moment to moment.
All I know is, no one has to buy me a ticket to husband land anytime soon. But I know some ladies that would love to know which direction it's in if you figure out where it's at.

Do you know what I mean
When I say I don't wanna be alone?
What I mean when I say
I don't wanna be alone?
Empty spaces
Shadows hit by streetlights
With warning signs and weight
Of tired conversations
In the absence of a shoulder
In the absence of a thief
On the brink of this destruction
On the eve of bittersweet
Now all the demons look like prophets
And I'm living out
Every word they speak

-Jars of Clay Work


Posts that may only be slightly related:
Christian Singles
The New Porn Addicts
Uh-Oh 3-0

The big 3-0

I talked to a friend today via text. All day. Which is normal and happens occasionally. I asked her what she wanted for her birthday (17 days and counting), and you guessed that it will be her 30th.
Even though she is doing well, accomplished, educated, loved by more people that you can count on several pairs of hands she is dreading the big 3-0.
Why you ask?
Because she thought she'd be married and have kids by now.
As if everything else is worthless. As if everything else is merely something to bide time until a woman can be truly complete...with a man.
So I was frustrated, and I said as much to a few co-workers. Who proceeded to tell me that I didn't, couldn't understand because I still had almost a year until 30, because my biological clock hadn't started ticking yet and on and on and on.
To which I say pish posh. 30 is not some magical number that automatically starts a decline in a woman's ability to marry. Sure it is harder to conceive and push a baby out of your vagina...but in case ya'll haven't noticed there are...oh, I don't know...millions and millions of babies and orphans.
It really bothers me when a) people tell me that one day in the next 8 or so months I will start to panic because I have "wasted" all of these years and I still have no man and b) when they look at me with obvious pity because I'm deluded myself into thinking that my life is complete and well rounded with no man to rescue me from living alone.

Now now, before all of the wives and mothers I know get their hackles raised I'm not trying to do the same thing on the other side of the line. It's great that you're married. It's great that you have children. I see that (most) of you are happy. I see that your children are beautiful and lovely and perfect in every way (most of the time, but they're kids I'll cut them some slack). But my lack of desire to mate wildly and settle into domesticity isn't something I need you to fix.

Furthermore, one of the women that was telling me about how devastated she was that her boyfriend didn't propose on her birthday (the big 3-0) and that she cried for hours about the fact that she wasn't married...this woman...is the same one that on most days is telling me over the cubicles, "Don't EVER get married Bethany, it's so not worth it"
Could I one day want to get married? Sure. Could I someday want to acquire a child somehow? Sure. For the time being however please note, that while I love kids and think they are cute and cuddly and wonderful people my ovaries and uterus do not (I repeat) do not leap every time I think about having them.
So stop shoving the idea that all of those overwhelming crippling desires will happen on my 30th birthday.

Lastly, this woman, she also was pointing out that she feels the same way about 40. She mentioned some people that aren't that much older then her that are more "successful" and are paid more money, have more corporate power...and yet here she is in her 30s and not close to attaining that success.
People...seriously.
It is a waste of your time to compare yourself to other people and use that as a measuring stick for yourself. You determine how happy you're going to be. You can't control what people do or say to you but you can determine how you react. (Hmmm....sounds sort of like advice I should learn how to take)

All I'm saying is, be happy you're married, be thrilled you have children, but please stop thinking, saying, insisting, that my life is less or I am somehow broken because I'm not a wife or mother. Because I'm happy single, I'm happy in this fantastically awesome new home laying on this super comfortable new bed that I share with Gertrude the grumpy and Agnes the hair tie crack addict.











PS: Jake there hasn't been a post like this for awhile, I was beginning to think it was ok to be single! Show you what I know....