Understanding

"You don't understand. No one understands what it's like inside my head"

Oh but honey I do know. I was there and in some ways still am. Hating what I see when I look in the mirror. Wondering how it is I can be cared for when I care so little for myself.
Wondering when I'll have the courage to sink the blade just a little bit deeper. Just a little deeper I would think, then the pain will all be gone away.

"I want to kill what's inside of me"

Me too. Only therapy lets me say these things louder than a whisper. I know what it's like to hate what's inside of you. To want to kill it. To want to stop the hissing voices telling you you're nothing. You don't matter. All of them are right.

I've been there. When I was there I hated the people that told me they'd been there too. I hated that they told me it would get better. I hated that they told me it wasn't just me. I wanted to feel special. I couldn't even be uniquely miserable.

But the thing is; all of the things I say to you I wish people had said to me over and over and over again when I was 15. To be honest it's what I wish people told me when I was 20, and 25 and even 30. Even now at 33 I long to hear someone tell me I'm valuable.

The only way people can know you don't feel valuable, really know it, is if you tell them.

Oh, I wouldn't have listened either. The times when my parents or friends would tell me these things. That I was beautiful and lovable and valuable I really mostly thought they had no clue. They thought the girl I showed them was beautiful. They thought the boisterous acts were lovable and endearing. They thought the way I allowed my body to be touched and my favors abused was valuable to them.
I simply didn't believe them.

I can see it there in your eyes too. That you don't believe me. That you think I'm just some old lady thinking herself hip to your jive.
But I see it and it's ok. You don't have to believe me tonight. Tonight is just one of the many times I will tell you that you are beautiful. That you have value that is not in how your body looks, that how you look is not even close to the most valuable thing about you.

So I know. But you don't have to believe me. I understand, and you don't have to believe that either. Some things are true even if you don't believe them.

I'm stuck in this dream it's changing me I am becoming
the me that you know he had some second thoughts
he's covered with scabs and he is broken and sore
the me that you know doesn't come around much
that part of me isn't here anymore
all pain disappears it's the nature of my circuitry
drowns out all I hear there's no escape from this my new consciousness
the me that you know used to have feelings
but the blood has stopped pumping and he's left to decay
the me that you know is now made up of wires
and even when I'm right with you I'm so far away
I can try to get away but I’ve strapped myself in
I can try to scratch away the sound in my ears
I can see it killing away all my bad parts
I don't want to listen but it's all too clear
- The Becoming NIN

Love & War & the Sea in Between

I've been having a love affair with Josh Garrels album Love & War & the Sea in Between for the last few days.
It's so moody, beautiful and hopeful despite it's moodiness.

You can get it for free by clicking the album link above or go to NoiseTrade and download it for free there.

So delicious. Probably the most I've loved any new album in a long time. Plus, it's FREE.

Bruise the Heels

Talk to me cause I've been talking to myself
Help me get these thoughts out of my own head
I don't believe, most days I don't believe
Mercy is true, it's hard to live with the things I do

So God bruise the heels we've dug in the ground
That we might move closer to love
Pull out the roots we've dug in so deep
Finish what You've started
Help us to believe
- 'Eyes Wide Open' Jars of Clay

Something I'd Set Free

"Let The Rain"

Sara Bareilles

I wish I were pretty
I wish I were brave
If I owned this city
Then I'd make it behave

And if I were fearless
Then I'd speak my truth
And the world would hear this
That's what I wish I'd do, yeah

If my hands could hold them you'd see
I'd take all these secrets in me
And I'd move and mold them to be
Something I'd set free

I want to darken in the skies
Open the floodgates up
I want to change my mind
I want to be enough
I want the water in my eyes
I want to cry until the end of time

I want to let the rain come down
Make a brand new ground
Let the rain come down
Let the rain come down
Make a brand new ground
Let the rain come down tonight

I hold on to worry so tight
It's safe in here right next to my heart
Who now shouts at the top of her voice
Let me go, let me out, this is not my choice

And I always felt it before
That the world was filled with much more
Than the drowning soul I've learned to be
I just need the rain to remind me

I want to darken in the skies
Open the floodgates up
I want to change my mind
I want to be enough
I want the water in my eyes
I want to cry until the end of time

I want to let the rain come down
Make a brand new ground
Let the rain come down
Let the rain come down
Make a brand new ground
Let the rain come down

I want to let the rain come down
Make a brand new ground
Let the rain come down
Let the rain come down
Make a brand new ground
Let the rain come down

Control

The cut is deep, but never deep enough for me
It doesn’t hurt enough to make me forget

One moment of relief is never long enough
to keep the voices in my head
from stealing my peace

Oh, control
It’s time, time to let you go
Perfection has a price
but I cannot afford to live that life
It always ends the same; a fight I never win
Chorus
I’m letting go of the illusion
I’m letting go of the confusion
I can’t carry it another step
I close my eyes and take a breath
I’m letting go …

There were scars before my scars
Love written on the hands that hung the stars
Hope living in the blood that was spilled for me

Chorus
I’m letting go of the illusion
I’m letting go of the confusion
I can’t carry it another step
I close my eyes and take a breath
I’m letting go …

--JJ Heller Control from When I am With You

Growing Vineyards Up Ahead

He will allure her
He will pursue her
And call her out
To wilderness with flowers in His hand
She is responding
Beat up and hurting
Deserving death
But offerings of life are found instead

She will sing
She will sing
Oh, to You
She will sing as in the days of youth
As You lead her away
To valleys low
To acres of hope
Acres of hope

Here in the valley
Walk close beside me
Don’t look back
For love is growing vineyards up ahead
You have called me master
And though you’re in the dark here
Call me friend
And call me lover and marry me for good

She will sing
She will sing
Oh, to You
She will sing as in the days of youth
As You lead her away
To valleys low
To acres of hope
Acres of hope

How the story ends is
Love and tenderness in Him
Not safe, but worth it
So the valley’s up ahead
Or the ones we live
We’ll sing together
We’ll sing together

We will sing
We will sing
Oh, to You
We will sing as in the days of youth
As You lead us away
To valleys low
To acres of hope
Acres of hope
-Shane & Shane "Acres of Hope"

Therefore I am now going to allure her; I will lead her into the desert and
speak tenderly to her. There I will give her back her vineyards, and will make
the Valley of Achor a door of hope. There she will sing as in the days of her
youth, as in the day she came up out of Egypt. ‘In that day,’ declares the
LORD,’you will call me 'my husband'; you will no longer call me 'my master.
(Hosea 2:14-16)

Prayer in the Desert

They sang this at church recently and man alive it was good.

This is my prayer in the desert
When all that's within me feels dry
This is my prayer in my hunger and need
My God is the God who provides

This is my prayer in the fire
In weakness, or trial, or pain
There is a faith proved of more worth than gold
So refine me Lord through the flame

I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon formed against me shall remain
I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and He is here

This is my prayer in the battle
When triumph is still on it's way
I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ
So firm on His promise I'll stand

I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon formed against me shall remain
I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and He is here

All of my life in every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship

I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon formed against me shall remain
I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and He is here

This is my prayer in the harvest
Where favor and providence flow
I know I'm filled to be emptied again
The seed I've received I will sow

Your Love

I've been wrestling with the idea of love failing me. People that have let me down and how I struggle with not placing that baggage on the shoulders of those in my life that won't (I wanted to write probably won't because I still go back and forth wanting to trust...) abandon me and reveal a friendship or relationship based on a complete lie.
Even worse is how I push that on God. Because I believe that He is who He says He is yesterday today and tomorrow but sometimes I bump up against a wall I've put up that says I don't believe I can trust Him with this.
I'm working on it.

But this song sang on Sunday really tore me up. So amazing. And I know that even if I ran away His love won't fail, because I run and run all the time and He's still right there beside me holding me up.

Nothing can separate
Even if I ran away
Your love never fails

I know I still make mistakes
But You have new mercies for me everyday
Your love never fails

Chorus:
You stay the same through the ages
Your love never changes
There maybe pain in the night but joy comes in the morning

And when the oceans rage
I don't have to be afraid
Because I know that You love me
Your love never fails

Verse 2:
The wind is strong and the water's deep
But I'm not alone in these open seas
Cause Your love never fails

The chasm is far too wide
I never thought I'd reach the other side
But Your love never fails

Bridge:
You make all things work together for my good

In Praise, Rejoice

It is a mark of the regular state of my mind that I can most see God when it hurts. The glorious desperation of a heart crying out. Oh the dramatic anguish of a dark night of the soul.
But I'm realizing there are certain songs I can't listen to anymore because they encourage me to be sad or angry. I feel more creative when I'm hurting, I have a tendency to milk memories and wounds for more than they are worth for the juices that run out of them (I feel like that analogy went way wrong)
I generally try to be a positive person, and I do well at it when other people are around. Because I want to be ok for them.
But I need to learn to be ok because I'm ok, not because it's what other people want, not because I have this idea of what ok looks like....but because I'm really safe.

Because I want to praise God and rejoice in Him even when things are fine.

I've got scouring the bible in the middle of the night because I can't sleep for hearing the voices of ages ago in my head down pat.
I'm pretty awesome at remembering that God is who is He was before during and after a crisis.
I'm great in the middle of the drama ocean.
It's the fine that keeps my heart distant. It's the fine that keeps me coasting through at the bare minimum level without seeing the joy and majesty of a life well lived in obedience.

I look for the dramatic, the awe inspiring, the double rainbow (I don't even really know what that means but I hear there are federal requirements that state bloggers have to reference it) instead of the every day rejoicing, the every day majesty of a God that is worthy of our praise in everything.

All creatures of our God and King
Lift up your voice and with us sing
Alleluia! Alleluia!

Thou rising moon, in praise rejoice,
Ye lights of evening, find a voice!
Alleluia! Alleluia! Alleluia!
Alleluia! Alleluia!

Thou rushing wind that art so strong
Ye clouds that sail in Heaven along,
Alleluia! Alleluia!

Thou rising moon, in praise rejoice,
Ye lights of evening, find a voice!
Alleluia! Alleluia! Alleluia!
Alleluia! Alleluia!

Thou flowing water, pure and clear,
Make music for thy Lord to hear,
Alleluia! Alleluia!

Thou fire so masterful and bright,
That givest man both warmth and light
Alleluia! Alleluia! Alleluia!
Alleluia! Alleluia!

Like forgetting the words to your favorite song

I love song lyrics. I post them a lot and several posts are inspired by lyrics I hear randomly during the day, and also lyrics that I hear in my head from days gone by.

My parents used to get frustrated with me because I would know and quote or sing along to all these songs but I couldn't figure out how to memorize the information I needed for my history exam.
I've had a million favorite songs throughout the years. I've held multiple favorites at the same time. I've learned when I can listen to certain types of music because sad music on a sad day is not a good combination for me. I can't listen to Limp Bizkit and NIN hardly anymore because I've have a history of being a sad angry girl and those songs just encourage me along the path of being filled with killing rage.

So I'm trying to forget the words to the songs I don't need to sing anymore. I don't need to be so angry because I'm leaving the things and people I've fought to intensely with behind. I don't need to be the sad girl because I look around and see so much joy in my life.
But it's hard. This forgetting of my favorite song lyrics.
Because they come into my head like old friends dropping in for a visit. Reminiscing and sighing over how we've all changed but are still exactly the same.

But even more so, I'm finding that you are like the words to my favorite song. I sang it every moment of every day for so damn long. I can conjure it up to keep me warm and I linger on the memories of way back when.
Then one day, I stumble over a line or two. Another day the chorus comes to me a little bit harder, it takes me a little longer to remember how to hum the tune of you and me.
It's taking a lot of work. It's taking a lot of new songs and a lot of time intentionally not singing the song of loving you, but I'm learning to forget the words to my favorite song and see the beauty in these new lyrics.

It's like forgetting the words to your favorite song
You can't believe it
You were always singing along
It was so easy and the words so sweet
You can't remember
You try to move your feet
It was so easy and the words so sweet
You can't remember, you try to feel the beat

Unfold Me I Am Small

Bent in half, folded and hidden
Unsure the right time or if there is any time
Running out of people to blame
No more places to point your face to while I flee the scene
Not trusting myself I bend and bend unwilling to break.

Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
Hurt myself again today
And, the worst part is there's no-one else to blame

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me I am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Ouch I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found
Yeah I think that I might break
I've lost myself again and I feel unsafe

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me I am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

-Sia "Breathe Me

You Can See Something Else

I know I'm posting a lot of lyrics lately. Sometimes it's because I just love the song, sometimes it's because the lyrics say something better than I can and sometimes it's because I don't trust my voice (fingers) to spew forth only the vague and appropriate information. Sometimes I want to tell all the gory details that Grace tells me should be kept to myself because the details aren't what matters right now. It's the healing and the forgiveness that matters most.

I was about to give up and that's no lie
cardinal landed outside my window
threw his head back and sang a song
so beautiful it made me cry

took me back to a childhood tree
full of birds and dreams

from this one place I can't see very far
in this one moment I'm square in the dark
these are the things I will trust in my heart
you can see something else
something else

I don't know what's making me so afraid
tiny cloud over my head
heavy and grey with a hint of dread
I don't like to feel this way

take me back to a window seat
with clouds beneath my feet

from this one place I can't see very far
in this one moment I'm square in the dark
these are the things I will trust in my heart
you can see something else
something else

-Sara Groves From This One Place

You're Just a Boy

I've driven round in circles for three hours
It was bound to happen that I'd end up at yours
I temporarily forgot there's better days to come
I thought that I would give it just one more chance

Because I want, tonight, what I've been waiting for
But I found, tonight, what I'd been warned about

You think that you are complicated, deep mystery to all
Well it's taken me a while to see, you're not so special
All energy no meaning, with a lot of words
So paper thin that one real feeling, could knock you down

And I've seen, tonight, what I'd been warned about
I'm gonna leave, tonight, before I change my mind

So see you when your 40
Lost and all alone being comforted by strangers you'll never need to know
Not sad because you lost me but sad because you thought it was cool to be
sad

You think misery will make you stand apart from the crowd
Well if you had walked past me today I wouldn't have picked you out
I wouldn't have picked you out

Now I've seen, tonight, how I could waste my time and I'll be on my way,
and I won't be back
Because I've seen, tonight, what I've been warned about
You're just a boy, not a man, and I'm not coming back
I'm not coming back

-Dido See You When You're 40

Oh My Dear

I called you up, you were in bed, could barely make out the words that you
said But you wanted to see me instead, so I got dressed
So I stepped out into the snow, and walked for a mile or so
Felt the rush of blood come from the cold, within my chest

Well, you finally came to the door, and we talked for an hour or more
Until I asked if you would stay up until four, and you said that's fine
But you said "There's something I have to say, and I can just because I am
so afraid"
And so I held you as you started to shake, that night

Oh, my dear, I'll wait for you
Grace tonight will pull us through
Until the tears have left your eyes
Until the fear can sleep at night
Until the demons that you're scared of Disappear inside
Until the scale begins to crack
And this weight falls from your back
Oh, my dear, I'll keep you in my arms tonight

You slowly lifted your head from your hands
You said "I just don't think you'll understand
You'll never look at me that way again
If you knew what I did"

And so your tears fell and melted the snow
You told me secrets nobody had known
But I never loved you more, even though Now I know what you did

Oh, my dear, I'll wait for you
Grace tonight will pull us through
Oh, my dear, I'll wait for you
Grace tonight will pull us through
Until the tears have left your eyes
Until the fear can sleep at night
Until the demons that you're scared of Disappear inside
Until the scale begins to crack
And this weight falls from your back
Oh, my dear, I'll keep you in my arms tonight

Until the tears have left your eyes
Until the fear can sleep at night
Until the demons that you're scared of Disappear inside
Until the scale begins to crack
And this weight falls from your back
Oh, my dear, I'll keep you in my arms tonight
I'll keep you in my arms tonight

-Tenth Avenue North Oh My Dear

Someday

I believe in the rest of the story
I believe there's still ink in the pen
I have wasted my very last day
Trying to change what happened way back when

I believe it's the human condition
We all need to have answers to why
More than ever, I'm ready to say that I
Will still sleep peacefully
With answers out of reach from me until…

Someday all that's crazy
All that's unexplained
Will fall into place
And someday all that's hazy
Through a clouded glass
Will be clear at last
And sometimes we're just waiting
For someday

We are born with a lingering hunger
We are born to be unsatisfied
We are strangers who can't help but wander
And dream about the other side of…

Every puzzle's missing piece
Every unsolved mystery
More than half of every whole
Rests in the Hands that hold you for someday….

Someday
--Nichole Nordeman

Silence

What's happening here?
I was once so alive and now I'm so full of dread and almost dead
Show me your wounded head that is lead to communion with the father
But where did he go?
His presence seems farther and farther away each day
but I'm trying so hard to steer his way
Yet still lonely and confused on this cold hard ground I lay

Speak to me wise mouth and say it's all good kid, it's nothing that you
did, and though it feels like I'm not here with you right now just be still and
silent and listen for that sound..
Shhh..
Did you hear it?
Listen again.
Did you hear it?
That silent voice that just spoke nothing, that is me, I'm listening to
your plea with open ears Counting all your tears flowing from your irritated
eyes
Searching the skies looking for that hope that beyond there lies.

Oh you young worrisome sparrow, find rest
Lay your battered head upon my omnipresent breast and make it your
nest
No strong cold wind could ever blow and carry you from this your home
Look around, see the life shooting up from the ground
Spring colors springing fourth and celebration of your trusting

It's a constant process this is
Growing you into the woman you are to become
But when you sense the setting of the sun know it is only rising and has
just begun
Now go fourth, sing songs of faith, and lift up others in the midst of this
race
And if you can't keep the pace or lose sight of my face
Know that I'm always near so you need not fear
But don't worry about all that right now
Just sit here and enjoy the peace I offer in my silence
When I am silent I am listening, and not abandoning

-Silence Bradley Hathaway

All the Way

The thing is sometimes I don't know what to say, or even how to say it. I want to say things, but I feel clumsy and awkward. I want to say things but don't even really understand what I want to say or the ramifications of a single word uttered without a million thoughts and what ifs preceding it.

But I guess what I'm trying to say is that I love you all the way. No matter who what when where or why.
All the way.

One could even say:

Now and forever, you are a part of me
And the memory cuts like a knife
Didn't we find the ecstasy, didn't we share the daylight
When you walked into my life

Now and forever I'll remember
all the promises still unbroken
And think about all the words between us
That never needed to be spoken

We had a moment, just one moment
That will last beyond a dream, beyond a lifetime
We are the lucky ones
Some people never get to do all we got to do
Now and forever, I will always think of you

Didn't we come together, didn't we live together
Didn't we cry together
Didn't we play together, didn't we love together
And together we lit up the world

I miss the tears, I miss the laughter
I miss the day we met and all that followed after
Sometimes I wish I could always be with you
The way we used to do
Now and forever I will always think of you
Now and forever I will always be with you
 -Carole King Now and Forever

You Are More

This song has shredded me lately and it's summing up the chaos of feelings I've been having lately. Love it.
Tenth Avenue North
"You Are More"

There's a girl in the corner
With tear stains on her eyes
From the places she's wandered
And the shame she can't hide

She says, "How did I get here?
I'm not who I once was.
And I'm crippled by the fear
That I've fallen too far to love"

But don't you know who you are,
What's been done for you?
Yeah don't you know who you are?

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

Well she tries to believe it
That she's been given new life
But she can't shake the feeling
That it's not true tonight S

he knows all the answers
And she's rehearsed all the lines
And so she'll try to do better
But then she's too weak to try

But don't you know who you are?

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

'Cause this is not about what you've done,
But what's been done for you.
This is not about where you've been,
But where your brokenness brings you to

This is not about what you feel,
But what He felt to forgive you,
And what He felt to make you loved.

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

You've been remade
You've been remade.
You've been remade.
You've been remade.

You say I am Worthy

Bundled up, surrounded by lyrics and words on a page reminding me that I am worthy. Reminding me that the chill of a disregard so deep and wide I can't recall ever being able to see past it.

Typing into the night, reassuring myself that the words flicked carelessly from the tongues of women so unhappy are no longer true, if they ever were.

You say that I am worthy.
You say I am lovely.
You say I am a friend.
You called me out of death and let me try again.
You say I am beloved.
You say I am clean.
You show me all the beauty that you see in me.

I know that she’s a liar when I look into her eyes
But I believe in every word she says
She’s out to start a fire burning everything I have
I can’t put it out ’cause it’s all inside my head
And then you sing
I hear you sing

You call me lovely
You call me friend
You call me out of death and let me try again
You call me beloved
You call me clean
Then you show me all the beauty that you see in me

I still hear her whisper and sometimes I hear her shout
You’re not good enough and you will never be
But if I focus on your singing I can start to tune her out
’Cause you came with a love to set me free

I know that you love me enough to die
And I will try to see the value that you place on me
And you say I’m worthy

-All the Beauty (Kati's Story) JJ Heller

Posts that may only be slightly related:
Them
Bad Girl
Stiff

A Minefield Undetected

Well it came & caught us off our guard
We were just laughin'
Feelin' alright
Had such a great time just last night

We walked into a minefield undetected
You took a tone
I took offense
Anger replacing all common sense

Oh, run for your life
All tenderness is gone
In the blink of an eye
All goodwill has withdrawn
We mark out our paces
And stare our from our faces
Baby, you & I are gone, gone, gone

Incomprehensible, layers of isolation
Now you're the man with a heart of stone
Making me pay by being alone
Soon you will justify righteous indignation
Now I'm a woman who holds all her pain
Looking for somebody else to blame

Chorus

We hold all the keys to our undoing
Cutting me down in small degrees
You know my worst insecurities
I'm making no effort to understand
No one can hurt you like I can
Deep down inside the girl's waking up
She's going to look to the boy she loves

It's me
Oh, baby, it's me
Hmmmmmm

How in the world can tenderness be gone - in the blink of an eye?
Ohh, how in the world can tenderness be gone - in the blink of an eye?

"It's Me" -Sara Groves