Ok, the rule is to type for five minutes and post whatever vomits out of my fingertips. May God be with you all.
I am always aware of what time it. ALWAYS.
When I ask you what time it is (with a few exceptions, like when I'm in the pool) I am asking you because I want you to be aware of what time it is too.
Passive Aggressive, probably (and as an aside whenever I need to spell aggressive I do the little cheer in my head "be aggressive b-e aggressive b-e-a-g-g-r-e-s-s-i-v-e so I don't spell it wrong)
But I have this need to be on schedule, this need to know what's going to happen when and how and for how long. It makes me feel safe and more prepared for what's to come.
Last weekend there was a moment in the pool at Jake and Cody's when I felt completely relaxed. Not a care in the world. I have to admit, it felt nice.
But it didn't last.
Even worse I was told in therapy this week that after a lot (A LOT) of work on relationships we are transitioning into working on safety issues. On feeling safe and being safe and learning how to manage the hyper aware state that I can jump into in an instant and stay in for days.
I told her I didn't want to do it.
But apparently it's important so I'm doing it anyway.
Because it's time that I stopped finding my comfort in my hyper aware of time and surroundings and start feeling safe again. It's just scary. Because for any scenario when you tell me why I should be safe in this place or that place I can tell you 5 ways it's not safe. I did it to my therapist last night.
In the face of overwhelming proof, I choose to believe I'm not safe. Because I never feel safe.
But it's time I did.