Stiff

I hurt my back yesterday, somehow or another. So to change positions or move to much causes waves of pain to shoot through my lower back and upper legs.
I was telling Kevin, our friendly masseuse that it only hurt when I changed positions, that as long as I stayed still the pain was duller, more manageable. He replied, "Well that isn't anyway to fix the problem"

My natural state is to live life like that. To change positions, to move forward or sideways or even backwards causes ripples of pain or discomfort to wash over me and I freeze, unwilling to move and cause anymore discomfort.
If something awkward would come up I would just hold my breath and hope that whatever it was would just go away. I've done it with money, with friendships, with men, with housekeeping and yard care. I've buried my head in the sand when I've heard funny noises while driving my car, which resulted in the repair being so much more costly than it really needed to. I freeze and call it procrastination or indifference, but it's all the same. It is all me holding myself in one stiff position to avoid the pain or discomfort that comes with change, any change no matter how slight.

But I can feel it starting to change. I can feel the stiffness of my emotional and relational joints loosening up stretching after a long winters nap. I'm still stiff, and I'm still inclined to just stay still, say it's not a big deal and find a nice spot on the beach where I can bury my head.
It's hard and often exhausting work re-teaching my body what food it needs, it's uncomfortable and tear inducing to be straight forward about things that before would have been dramatically discussed in private and decisions made out of speculation instead of the truth. It's terrifying to speak things out that I need and want. It's overwhelming to fight the slithering voice that tells me not to be pushy and tells me that the only response to my speaking out will be hatred and condemnation.
I, at times, will find myself gasping for air as I relearn how to breathe, fighting back tears at the relief that my words and actions are not meant with the condemnation that the lying slithering voice warns me about.
I'm still learning that I'm a worthy girl, a girl that deserves to be spoken to kindly and that deserves to be part of a community of people that I so admire. I'm still learning that I'm a girl people love and that it's ok to ask them for help, that they desire for me to ask.

It hurts still, but I'm learning that the moving is lessening the sting and eventually this stiffness will be gone, I just have to keep moving. Because to bury my head in the sand, to not move forward with the change God is calling me towards will only end up costing me more than moving forward costs.

Disturb Us, Lord - 1577
A Prayer by Francis Drake

Disturb us, Lord, when
We are too well pleased with ourselves
When our dreams have come true
Because we dreamed too little,
When we arrived safely
Because we sailed too close to the shore.

Disturb us, Lord, when
With the abundance of things we possess
We have lost our thirst
For the Waters of Life;
Having fallen in love with life,
We have ceased to dream of eternity
And in our efforts to build a new earth,
We have allowed our vision
Of the new Heaven to dim.

Disturb us, Lord, to dare more boldly,
To venture on wider seas
Where storms will show your mastery:
Where losing sight of land
We shall find the stars.

We ask you to push back
The horizons of our hopes;
And to push us in the future
In strength, courage, hope, and love.




Posts that may only be slightly related:
Learning to Breathe
Share your Darkness
Hidden Scars
Sober