that I would be loved

I whispered it behind my hand
Just in case
Just in case it meant I wasn't allowed in anymore

It wasn't as big of a deal to anyone else, and if we're playing the comparison game I'm probably ahead of the pack.

But I still feel shame
Crushing and suffocating shame

So I don't say anything and I pretend one word means something else and I whisper behind my had between sips of bravery

It's interesting, this challenge that God whispered to me so many months ago. I'm still waiting for the other shoe to drop, I'm waiting to find out I'm only being tolerated.

I'm waiting
For the whispers of the dead to hiss out of the mouth of people that have never given me any indication I'm unwanted.

Plans were made, spontaneous and on the fly.
I agreed
I set my alarm
I got dressed
I drove

But I wondered

Would they really show up?
Was this really a trick?
Did I misunderstand the intention?

I run through the conversations and wonder, what did I say that could have been revolting, that could have gotten them to all agree to turn down the thermostat and freeze me out.

I pulled in, got out of my car and there was someone there. They showed up and giggling and silly conversations mingled with serious happened.

I know it's me. I know it's the mind games of bitter women and the experiences I'm working through from lifetimes ago churning in my heart.
I know it is.

But I still go places and wonder if it's just a trick. If it's all a cruel game and I'll be alone wondering what stupid nasty thing I have said or done to prove once again I'm a bad girl.

I'm so thankful for a God that keeps hacking away at my often hardened heart reminding me that HIS design for community, for relationships, for LOVE is not the what was taught to me by these women and others.
He's also showing me that even through people are broken and flawed, that He is not. That even when I am not good, that He is ALWAYS a good God.
that I would be loved even when I numb myself
that I would be good even when I am overwhelmed
that I would be loved even when I was fuming
that I would be good even if I was clingy
-That I Would be Good, Alanis Morissette

1 comment:

Pete said...

The fact that you trust enough to go and find out for sure speaks volumes. Baby steps.