In about 2002/3 or so I was working for a bank correcting teller errors in Bowling Green Ohio. I had just gotten saved and God was telling me to move to Cincinnati. There was a branch team leader at a banking center near Cincinnati that I had a crush on. We would chat on the phone about all sorts of things, work, non-work, church etc.
Stephanie sat next to me in the office and she would mock my "boy voice" which was apparently high pitched and caused me to elongate my vowels. But I digress.
One weekend I came to Cincinnati to visit my sister and her family. So I told this fella that I was coming through Cincinnati for a brief window and maybe we could have dinner. Dinner never worked out but we were able to have breakfast and it was lovely. A month or so passed and I was heading back to Cincinnati. This time we set up a lunch date.
I met him at his branch and we headed to lunch. I fought to open every door, like literally would speed walk to the door to fight him for the door opening position. I jumped and asked him what he was doing when he put his hand on my back and that's not even the best part.
While we were at the table eating an awkward silence fell over the table. I panicked. I had to say something breezy and witty to spark the conversation again. I thought for awhile and then, I had it! As the poor unsuspecting fella took a bite of his chicken salad I said, "Did you know that turtles can breathe out of their butts?"
Uh-Oh I thought, the silence isn't going away! "Well, I mean...I don't know if it smells like poop or anything, but I know they can breathe out of their butts"
He replied, "OooooKay" Then a few second passed and he caught our waiters eye and said, "Check please"
We spoke only one other time after that, when he told me he had gotten back together with his ex and was engaged. She probably didn't know about the turtles and when he told her she swooned and they fell back in love. At least that's what I'm telling myself.