Jaded

 My immediate response to chipper people is sarcasm and anger
I snarl the left side of my lip and try to figure out what the hell their problem is, who crapped rainbows on their Rice Krispies.

I swing wildly and uncontrollably between moments of heights of Pollyanna optimism and days of snarky judgemental anger.
It's addicting.
This lull of anger and disallusionment.

I don't want to believe when there are possibilities of good things happening because they will probably not and I'll be upset, let down, hurt.

I wonder if anyone really ever gets to do the job they are passionate about.
I doubt they are really passionate about it or if it's all just a front.

Because I don't believe other people, unless they are angry or snarky too. Then I believe every last poisoneous word that drips out of their mouths.

I feel stuck in a rut with glimpses of flat ground, gasping for air and wondering if I'm just meant to be this girl after all.

So tired that I couldn't even sleep
So many secrets I couldn't keep
Promised myself I wouldn't weep
One more promise I couldn't keep

It seems no one can help me now
I'm in too deep
There's no way out
This time I have really led myself astray

Runaway train never going back
Wrong way on a one way track
Seems like I should be getting somewhere
Somehow I'm neither here no there

Can you help me remember how to smile
Make it somehow all seem worthwhile
How on earth did I get so jaded
Life's mystery seems so faded
-Soul Asylum Runaway Train

Shattered

Sometimes I'm afraid it will never be fixed
More often I wonder if there are some things that are just too broken. Too damaged. Too far gone.

My heart aches.
It aches with a desire to make a difference and hold other people's broken pieces and help them see they are special and important.
It aches to feel someone do that for me without me wondering what it is they want me to do for them, because why else would they be kind for me.

I make it through most days.
Most days I can see the big picture and hang in there.
But some days I get lost in the details.
In all the small shards of brokenness that no matter how far we all come will never be able to be glued back into place.

I'm clinging to the idea that the moments which shatter us the most are the ones which shape us the most; God pieces together who He wants us to become (thanks Bob Goff)

Five Minutes: Forgetting

Ok, the rule is to type for five minutes and post whatever vomits out of my fingertips. May God be with you all.

Go.

I remember the oddest things. I remember that when I cracked my chin open in kindergarten that Nathan Mestrey tripped me with the television cord and I was wearing my favorite purple shirt with a bow on the front and that I ruined it because I pulled it off while rushing down the hallway with Mrs. Nye with blood gushing out of my face.
I remember all sorts of details that are useless and unimportant.

Lately in therapy I've been asked to write completely sensory details of instances of abuse or trauma that I've pushed down all these years. She asked me to write about the colors, textures, the smells and everything down to the smallest detail like the wallpaper or the color of the carpet.
I tried really hard to do it but I kept cracking jokes.
After I read it aloud to her she noted that I use the sarcasm as a buffer between me and the trauma.

Um...duh lady.

So I wrote about another occasion. The trigger situation that sent me spiraling back down and drove me to therapy. The straw that broke the camels back as it were.

But this time I just wrote. I wrote like I write here. With the tears pouring from my fingertips without worrying about the sensory part of it. Ten handwritten pages later I found how hurt I still was and how much that wound is still raw even as I'm working through it still. How much easier it is to be mad or hurt about this then about the wounds that were created before I had any say in what my life looked like.

As I read it aloud in the office I heard that even though it still hurts I'm seeing the pattern and ties that connect the trauma I've been sarcastically keeping at bay to the last year of my life.

Because even though I have a great memory I'd forgotten how deeply the cuts run and how pervasive they are because I'd buried them under stories told in just such a way covered with decades of sarcasm.

Done.

Bitter and Sweet

Who would have known, how bittersweet this would taste
This righting of wrongs
This standing up of things fallen down

Who could have known the decisions that would be made to survive would be the decisions killing so many years later

My mouth has been flooded with words unspoken for so long my lips have forgotten how to form the syllables
But I speak all the same

Haltingly

Embarrassed

Ashamed

Fearful

I speak out of the deep darkness that was consuming me and the fear that it was all true after all

I taste the salty tears on my lips as I part them to say to you that I need you to love me even when I reject any offering of love you try to give me

I bite down on the bitter and angry tongue that would often rather cut you to the quick then taste the disappointment of plans cancelled and hearts broken from abandonment

I kneel obediently

Waiting


Waiting


Waiting

I clasp my hands together

Repentantly

Patiently

Hopefully

I taste the bitter

Knowing the sweet will come

Good Things: May

May 1 Fun morning with WP and a lovely afternoon of Netflix and Hulu on the sofa

May 2 Made a HUGE life changing decision. Scary, needed, and well received by lovely friends.

May 3 Lovely girl time with Bobbie talking over pedicures. Love her so much.

May 4 Put the ball in motion for a monthly Girlfriends Night Out after talking to some lovely women who all feel the same disconnect I've been feeling

May 5 Family night, where Matthew gave me the finger guns and wink

May 6 I wore a dress and heels and felt pretty

May 7 Nicole Graduated! For hopefully the last time!

May 8 Day 3 of the dress weekend. Church and lunch with Mom and Dad

May 9 Dogsitting, started a book on the Gospel of Ruth I've been wanting to get to for awhile

May 10 Night at home, no plans and yummy pork chops on the grill thanks to Pete!

May 11 Spontaneous dinner and ice cream at The Dip with roomie, Sharen and Matthew. Matthew ran up to me afterwards and gave me a big hug and whispered "I have a nice time at dinner with you, Aunt Bethany"

May 12 Happy Birthday, Sharen! Red Robin and ice cream cake

May 13 Looooong day but headed north again for Nicole's graduation party

May 14 Full day of prepping for, hanging out/working at and cleaning up from Nicole's graduation party. But so fun to celebrate all her hard work with her!

May 15 Became slightly manic when thinking about everything there is to do in the coming week. Bathroom demo starting and lots to do on top of that.

May 16 Full day, but I survived in mostly a good mood

May 17 First Girlfriends Night Out with Sharen and some other ladies from church. God's been putting the intentional development of adult female relationships on my heart a lot lately and this was a big first step

May 18 Lunch with a friend where when answering the "what's new with you" question I realized that every aspect of my life is under construction/renovation right now. It's interesting to see the changes happening and wonder where God's taking it all

May 19 Got to knock down some dry wall while pretending some customers faces were on it, it felt nice

May 20 Lots of laughing at Geek Games followed by a late night run to Waffle House

May 21 Our Harry Potter Rapture party went of without any of us going to heaven or being left behind. Also, butter beer and strong martini's by Pete

May 22 Finished up the bathroom demo and watched the random May hail storm

May 23 Let the master bath remodel begin!

May 24 Costco-ing after work

May 25 Had some kind things said to me by someone I really admire. And I didn't even interrupt and try to tell him all the ways he was wrong!

May 26 Bought some Klondike bars, ate one. That was pretty awesome

May 27 Straight home from work! Which was good because there is A LOT of cleaning and laundry to do.

May 28 Special day with Shelby means dresses and massages

May 29 Cookout with some fun people

May 30 Hard conversations, but totally worth it.

May 31 I have to be honest, after not posting for a month I was a little relieved to know I was going to start sharing again tomorrow, which is today, which is June 1st, which is...well you get it.

Break it Down

I feel completely off balance. Wondering who exactly I am and what it all means. I suspect that since I loathe the status quo and doing things just because it's expected of me I waited to have my existential crisis when I was 31 instead of 30.

I feel like I've never really had a firm grasp on who I am, especially when I look at it in contrast with who I perceive people think I should be.
I feel like I've not really pushed to find out either. Because I suspected (and have been told) that the core of me was just bad and who wants to face that about themselves.

One of the hardest things for me to accept and process about therapy and the fact that I'm sharing the process with people both here and in actual real life conversations is the responses. The person I see in the mirror and the person they say they see when they see me is so different. The perceptions are so far apart.

And I'm just so tired.
So tired of fighting and tired of digging and tired of trying to convince myself I'm not bad and that I am in fact a lovable and cherished person.
I'm tired of knowing I have to focus on getting healthy and feeling crushed by guilt that I'm thinking too much about myself and turning inward instead of outward.
I'm tired of trying to find the balance and make the right and healthy choices and wading through the millions of choices that could be both or neither on any given day.

I want to be able to wrap this up nicely for you, because that's what I think good girls should do.
But I don't know how.
It scares me a lot.
Yet, I also think the cracks and chips in my "everything's ok, nothing to see here" facade are helping a little. Like a lanced wound they're letting the pressure release slowly and surely.
I'm terrified I'm letting to much ugly hang out and you'll all realize just what a bad girl I am and I'm also surprised when you don't recoil from my crazy.

All that to say, I'm taking a break.  From blogging and probably lightening the social media posts (but not stopping those all together).
I'll be back in June, but I'm taking the rest of May off. There is a lot going on and I'm trying to decide if a decision I'm wanting to make is a result of a healthy shift in priorities or a result of withdraw and the desire to flee relationships. I need to quiet some voices in my head and focus on the still small voice that has been lost in the banshee yell of the abusive words of my past.

I'm going to try to find what girl God has made me to be and remember that He doesn't make mistakes and that I'm not the bad girl I've been convinced I am.

If she forgets what she is capable of, I'll remind her. When she looks in the mirror and doesn't recognize who she sees, I'll describe her in detail until she remembers, and when she doubts she can be the person she wants to be, I won't.
via (in)courage

Good Things: April

April 1 Shopping most of the day with mom and the girls, bought a super cute new purse (yes, another one)

April 2 More shopping, shopping shopping. I'll be ok if I never shop again for the near future

April 3 Great morning at church followed by an afternoon of solitude while reading and napping on the couch with the windows open. AMAZING after several days of constant running and being around lots of people

April 4 Fun dinner with friends that are staying with me for awhile. Lots of hilarious conversation and surprisingly serious stuff too.

April 5 Washington Project meeting then a yummy dinner and good conversation with Claire

April 6 Nice night playing video games with a friend

April 7 First night dog sitting, at least this time there was no dead bird or urine in my purse

April 8 Geek Games and giggles

April 9 Spontaneous shopping day (4th in a row) with some geek game girls

April 10 Planted some annuals and made garden decisions all on my own

April 11 Finished a good book and started watching the 1st season of Friends on dvd and chortled a lot

April 12 Yummy dinner and made it through a contractor estimate walk through of my house without crying or breaking into hives.

April 13 Fun dinner with Justin, Bobbie and rommie followed by an early night at the dogsitting house

April 14 Family fun night at Sharen's for the first time in a long time (thanks to dogsitting). Playing outside and amazing backyard olympics on the SLIDE (slide slide slide) OF (of of of) DESTINY (destiny destiny destiny)

April 15 Straight home from work and no other plans for the first time in MONTH. Amazeballs

April 16 Kirsten Ariel Matala's special day. Pottery! Vegetarian food! 16 year old driving!

April 17 Ikea cabinet shopping, and I didn't even cry!

April 18 30 Rock on the couch while I folded a gajillion sheets (ok, 8 sets) because I haven't done laundry in so long

April 19 Snuggle time with Matthew when he whispered, "I just love you, ok"

April 20 I had a hard night at therapy, but dinner was ready and Pete cleaned up and everything while I sulked on the sofa

April 21 Hour long 30 Rock!

April 22 1/2 day at work

April 23 Yummy yummy Easter dinner at Sharen's house followed by clean sheet night

April 24 Wore a bright green dress and heels to church, didn't fall over once

April 25 Stuffed peppers for dinner. Oh.yes.

April 26 Happy Birthday, Pete!

April 27 Good conversation with a friend, realizing that we're all just as messed up as each other.

April 28 Early night, which I so needed

April 29 Woke up just in time to see Kate arrive at the Abbey (Abby?) My secret intrigue with the Royal Wedding has been revealed.

April 30 Waking up to no alarm in my own bed is amazeballs