12.29.2010

Facades

"Sometimes the facade becomes the building"

I read that in a book recently. It was about a morning news anchorwoman and what happened when she believed her own hype.
A bit later I was talking to my sister about someone we know that is struggling with the role they molded themselves into and thought of this quote again.

It also made me think about a lot of the things happening in my heart and head lately. I mean, I don't know that there is any hype about me but if there were I'd probably have fallen for it.

I'm torn between wondering if it's who I really am or if it's just a facade of who I've become. I've been getting all twisted up and confused between perception, reality and the gray area in between where life really exists.
I don't mean to sound (or actually be) melodramatic or anything. But the more I try to figure it out on my own the more lost I get in the maze of relational (and real life) paranoia.
I feel like I've been floating above my life somehow and commenting to myself about how nice the life is and how lovely the friends are, wouldn't it be nice if it were true.

It would be easy to say it was because of what happened earlier this year or last spring. But in reality (how ironic is that word) I think this fracture in my facade has been a long time coming.

Because sometimes the facade becomes the building.
Sometimes, even when you can see on one hand that you don't have to be perfect and you don't have to have it all together, even when you are surrounded by a community that lets it all hang out warts and all, you can get caught up in your own hype thinking you need to have it all together.
Sometimes you forget that the grace you so readily explain and proclaim to others applies to you as well.
Sometimes you get so lost in your facade that you believe the lies carved into your heart for years and you believe the whispers of your own mockery coming back to chip away at even your healthiest relationships.
Sometimes you don't believe that anyone could stand to see the building beneath the facade.
Sometimes you feel like there's nothing but a black pit of disappointment and "not good enough"ness hiding beneath and increasingly thin layer of smiles and I'm ok's.

It is so easy to believe your own hype and believe that just getting by, just maintaining your grip on the edge of sanity is good enough. It will do.
But occasionally you get long moments breathing the startling air of grace and freedom from the oppression of the facade and you know it should be, could be, and one day hopefully will be better.

1 comment:

Pete said...

wow. seriously? It's like you pulled this from my head lately and I know you probably wrote this a few days ago, but it's been running through my head today.

I love it when you do that.

Also, can you tell those cats upstairs to chill out, they are driving me crazy down here. lol.