I write

Please don’t hear this as me whining. I’m a writer. When I write, I heal. When my fingers move across the keyboard and my head nods slowly in agreement and my throat closes up because I need to cry it out a bit and the tears are actually words, I am soothed. It’s like medicine. So forgive me if my medicine is making you sick.
I read this post and the above quote was a part of it and you know, I just had to share. Because even though I'm loathe to identify myself as a writer this is how it is for me too. I've journaled since I was 8 (back when I called it a diary because I was a little girl and it was ok to call it a diary then). I've written on scraps of papers, the back of napkins, various social medias, a few walls and once on a rock.
I write.
I write to get the crazy out.
I write to untangle my emotions and thoughts and to try to put a sometimes overwhelmingly chaotic and scary world back in some semblance of order.

I'm going through a season now of trying to intentionally feels things I've stuffed down with large pepperoni, no sauce w/ garlic butter pizzas from Papa Johns. I'm trying to feel things and categorize them appropriately.
I'm working on tearing down the idols of friendships and grief that I've built over the last 31 years and building an alter to the only God that will never let me go.
So it's sad sometimes.
It's angry sometimes.
It's blank and unfeeling sometimes.

But I write. To squeeze out all the tears I refused to cry for so many years and to lance the wounds I've been suffocating beneath layers of wobbly skin.
I write because sometimes I don't know what else to do.

When I write, I know that sometimes I scare you. I know that sometimes I annoy you and it's just going to be that way for a bit, or maybe forever because I have no idea who it is that God is so forcefully shaping me into being right now.

So forgive me. If my medicine is making you sick.

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