4.23.2010

Have to be ok

I will (and have) contort myself into crazy positions and put up with a great deal to avoid the ick.
I mean, I'll still feel icky. I'll still feel the tension, the grossness and the pain. But I want to avoid being seen as any part of the catalyst for the ick or a contributing member to the ick.
More than anything I feel like I always have to be ok. Even though any number of you tell me it isn't true. Even though you pound on my door when I lock you out, even when you say ok but what's wrong really when I tell you I'm fine even though many of you have never been anything less than accepting of me when I wasn't ok I feel like I should always have it together; that I should always be ok.

I want to seem uncomplicated and un-burdensome. When I'm realizing that I'm really not.
I'm coming up on a decision that, if I make the one I feel like I need to make I, will be thrust face first into the ick. That I might have to explain somethings and I won't be able to just slide by unnoticed.
But more and more each day it's seeming like I can't make any other decision.
To do so would be irresponsible financially, spiritually and emotionally.

It might be uncomfortable, but I'm getting glimpses of the other side of the ick and I think it's going to be the best decision for me. For me. Because as much as it seems that most of my decisions are for me they are normally for other people. I decide to help them feel better, to feel less uncomfortable, to feel more included. I can push my body, heart and mind through a lot of ick for the sake of saving other people hurt feelings and ickiness.
But this time, I think it's going to have to be my turn, and it's just going to have to be ok.