I feel like I've never really had a firm grasp on who I am, especially when I look at it in contrast with who I perceive people think I should be.
I feel like I've not really pushed to find out either. Because I suspected (and have been told) that the core of me was just bad and who wants to face that about themselves.
One of the hardest things for me to accept and process about therapy and the fact that I'm sharing the process with people both here and in actual real life conversations is the responses. The person I see in the mirror and the person they say they see when they see me is so different. The perceptions are so far apart.
And I'm just so tired.
So tired of fighting and tired of digging and tired of trying to convince myself I'm not bad and that I am in fact a lovable and cherished person.
I'm tired of knowing I have to focus on getting healthy and feeling crushed by guilt that I'm thinking too much about myself and turning inward instead of outward.
I'm tired of trying to find the balance and make the right and healthy choices and wading through the millions of choices that could be both or neither on any given day.
I want to be able to wrap this up nicely for you, because that's what I think good girls should do.
But I don't know how.
It scares me a lot.
Yet, I also think the cracks and chips in my "everything's ok, nothing to see here" facade are helping a little. Like a lanced wound they're letting the pressure release slowly and surely.
I'm terrified I'm letting to much ugly hang out and you'll all realize just what a bad girl I am and I'm also surprised when you don't recoil from my crazy.
All that to say, I'm taking a break. From blogging and probably lightening the social media posts (but not stopping those all together).
I'll be back in June, but I'm taking the rest of May off. There is a lot going on and I'm trying to decide if a decision I'm wanting to make is a result of a healthy shift in priorities or a result of withdraw and the desire to flee relationships. I need to quiet some voices in my head and focus on the still small voice that has been lost in the banshee yell of the abusive words of my past.
I'm going to try to find what girl God has made me to be and remember that He doesn't make mistakes and that I'm not the bad girl I've been convinced I am.
If she forgets what she is capable of, I'll remind her. When she looks in the mirror and doesn't recognize who she sees, I'll describe her in detail until she remembers, and when she doubts she can be the person she wants to be, I won't.