that I would be loved

I whispered it behind my hand
Just in case
Just in case it meant I wasn't allowed in anymore

It wasn't as big of a deal to anyone else, and if we're playing the comparison game I'm probably ahead of the pack.

But I still feel shame
Crushing and suffocating shame

So I don't say anything and I pretend one word means something else and I whisper behind my had between sips of bravery

It's interesting, this challenge that God whispered to me so many months ago. I'm still waiting for the other shoe to drop, I'm waiting to find out I'm only being tolerated.

I'm waiting
For the whispers of the dead to hiss out of the mouth of people that have never given me any indication I'm unwanted.

Plans were made, spontaneous and on the fly.
I agreed
I set my alarm
I got dressed
I drove

But I wondered

Would they really show up?
Was this really a trick?
Did I misunderstand the intention?

I run through the conversations and wonder, what did I say that could have been revolting, that could have gotten them to all agree to turn down the thermostat and freeze me out.

I pulled in, got out of my car and there was someone there. They showed up and giggling and silly conversations mingled with serious happened.

I know it's me. I know it's the mind games of bitter women and the experiences I'm working through from lifetimes ago churning in my heart.
I know it is.

But I still go places and wonder if it's just a trick. If it's all a cruel game and I'll be alone wondering what stupid nasty thing I have said or done to prove once again I'm a bad girl.

I'm so thankful for a God that keeps hacking away at my often hardened heart reminding me that HIS design for community, for relationships, for LOVE is not the what was taught to me by these women and others.
He's also showing me that even through people are broken and flawed, that He is not. That even when I am not good, that He is ALWAYS a good God.

that I would be loved even when I numb myself
that I would be good even when I am overwhelmed
that I would be loved even when I was fuming
that I would be good even if I was clingy

-That I Would be Good, Alanis Morissette

Five Minutes: Harry Potter

Ok, the rule is to type for five minutes and post whatever vomits out of my fingertips. May God be with you all.

 

Part one of the 7th Harry Potter movie comes out in 7 days. I have already pre-ordered it.

Last week I went to Barnes & Noble with mom to look at Nook accessories for her new Nook and we wandered into the section with Harry Potter books.

I sighed.

She asked what.

I said, "I wish I could go back to before I ever read Harry Potter or knew anything about the books at all just so I could experience them again for the first time."
Then...not even kidding....I teared up.

 

I am nerdalicious.

 

I watched the most recent movie 3 times in the theater (and would have gone a 4th if it hadn't disappeared from the dollar theater before I could make it back). I plan to just look the movie on my tv for the next few months while I breathlessly anticipate the release of the 2nd part of the final movie.

 

I'm a little choked up just thinking about it now.

 

Last week the family also went to Great Wolf Lodge as part of a staycation. There is something called MagiQuest that involves a wand and unlocking clues throughout the lodge. I was ---><--- this close to buying a wand and talking Matthew into doing it with me because I wanted the wand.

I mean, in my 31 year old head I realize it's just  wand and a stick of some sort, but I NEEDED it.

I didn't end up buying it, I'm saving up for my trip to Universal Studios so I can have Olivander help me pick out my wand.

What? I said I was nerdalicious didn't I?

I'm either very paranoid, or right

I've had some friends staying with me for the last week or so and I also had my parents in town last weekend. One of the first nights we were all in the house at the same time my mom got to talking with one of my friends about family and jobs.
My moms brother worked for the government and she was talking about how he would disappear for a few weeks then resurface saying only that he'd been working or in Washington. The friend is working on a masters program that is intertwined with the government so she was asking different questions and ultimately asked, "Does your brother still work for them?"
My mom, lost in thought and not really paying attention at that point said "yes"

Uhhh, my uncle has been dead for almost 30 years.

So I remind my mom of this and she said, "Oh, I didn't hear the question."

Funny anecdote of my mom missing her brother? Probably.
But here's what happened in my head.

For a few seconds (minutes, ok, maybe days) after mom said yes I started to wonder if that wasn't the truth. If my uncle had merely faked his death and went into a deep cover mission that has lasted this long. The other option is that he faked his death for a deep cover mission and then was killed, but they (whoever they is) didn't tell us because he was already dead in our heads.

Now, maybe it's because I watch a lot of Alias but I also wonder where on earth these ideas come from. I mean, does that stuff even happen. I also felt hurt that I was excluded from this information (that isn't even TRUE, allegedly) and that everyone else knew but me.

Some days I feel crazier than I do on most days. But I thought I'd make note of this thought process just in case it is actually true.

Santa Claus and Thunderstorms

When I was a kid I began to suspect that Santa wasn't exactly who he said he was. I'd heard rumors of course, but I figured they were just rumors.
But one year I decided to test him.
I told my parents and Santa's helpers at the malls what I wanted but I omitted one gift that I really wanted. A My Buddy (or Kid Sister) Doll.
I wrote a letter to Santa and stuck it in a mailbox one Saturday when no one was looking.
On Christmas morning I opened all of my gifts and there was no doll.
And I knew.
I knew the truth.

On another note I was terrified (and still am) of thunderstorms. They seem very end times ominous and it just seems that bad things are more likely to happen when the skies are raging. As a kid my parents would try to soothe me and reassure me so I wasn't so scared.
They told me that thunderstorms were God having a bowling party in Heaven. That the thunder was when someone got a strike and lighting was everyone taking pictures at the party.
What a fun God right?
Wrong.
I was even more upset and freaked out.
Because I was TERRIFIED and God was having a PARTY!?!?! What was that about?!
Now I was going to die and probably go to hell because God was BOWLING?
What.Ever

These are mostly funny anecdotes that I tell people because they are the funny ramblings of a weird kid. But I was telling the Santa story the other night and it occurred to me that these were sneak peeks at how I view relationships (and in a lot of ways how I have viewed humanity as a whole).

Untrustworthy.
Can't really count on them.
Will let you down.
Will forget you.
You don't matter.
Liars.

It made me really sad.
It made me sad to realize that beneath the silliness of these stories there seemed to be this little girl that was pretty convinced she'd be forgotten or overlooked in some way. There was a little girl that didn't trust she could believe in people and she had to sneak around and "trick" people into revealing the truth about themselves (or the lack of themselves as it were).

It made me sad too to realize that underneath all of my funny stories and anecdotes on life today that there's still a little girl trying to figure out if she'll be forgotten, overlooked and left yet again. That little girl still struggles with the idea that she has to "trick" people into showing who they really are because she suspects they aren't real.

I'm struggling between two very different realities in my head lately. The truth I know in my head and what I believe to be true in my heart.
I know the world isn't black and white.
I know that people aren't either good or bad.
I know that there are nuances to relationships that always make it work to remain close.

But I believe that the world is black and white. That there is a clear right and wrong. I believe that people are either good or bad that that relationships are either on or off.
I'm trying to stitch my heart back together and get it in line with my head. But some days I wake up and I've run out of thread and my needle has dulled.

Storms rolled through earlier this week and I was reminded once again of my fear of being forgotten and my fear of the bad and scary. Tossing and turning through the night I dreamt of people long dead and those I wished would just die already (as if that would really solve anything, but I'm an adolescent child and terrible person sometimes, sorry to break the news to you).

I woke hungover from the fears and paranoia surging through my heart. I looked out the window and I saw blue skies and was reminded.
I remembered that I am no longer a little girl that must submit herself to others authority just because they are bigger than me.
I remembered that even though Santa didn't come through for me I had parents that heard me telling the funny story and came through for me in the silliest and smallest way more than a decade later.
I remembered that God is a big God and he doesn't really throw bowling parties and forget about scared little girls.
I remembered that I have help with all the stitching back together that is being done in my life right now and that I'm the one that gets to let people in or usher them out of my life and that just because people say something with authority doesn't mean it's true.

I remembered that right before a thunderstorm there is high tension in the air. It prickles your skin and you feel the electricity surging through the air. The tension increases to a point that it's almost unbearable until the skies open and rain falls down, thunder claps and lighting flashes. I remembered that the atmosphere purges itself of all of this and after there are skies of brilliant blue filled with cool breezes and new life.

I'm in the middle of an overwhelming thunderstorm right now. Far enough in that it's too late to stop, but still so far from the end you wonder if you'll ever see blue skies again.
But I know there will be blue skies again, I know there will be new life and cool breezes and some days I can even believe it.

Purses

One of the most singularly female things about me is my adoration of cute purses. They don't have to be expensive, just cute and (often) colorful and BIG. Usually the bigger the better.
I typically carry the following in my purse almost always:

checkbook, wallet, tissues, several colors of lip gloss/stick, girly products, pens and pens and pens, gum/mints, hairbrush, book(s), phone, ipod, earbuds, full size bottle of lotion, keys to several homes (dogsitting) and to several cars (dogsitting, church), hairties, sunglasses.

That's what's ALWAYS in there. I also toss in food, jewelry, scarves, glasses, contacts, medicine etc.

I vary from super slouchy and baggy purses to super compartmentalized and structured purses.  There is no rhyme or reason why I love the ones I do, I just do.

But I noticed when I bought a new purse last week that they also reflect the state of my mind/heart. I was carrying a recently purchased purse that was big and slouchy and dark. I went back to the site of my most recent purse addiction and knew I was buying another purse (because honestly, why not!).
I was feeling really chaotic and out of control that day (and most of the days before). There was a lot going on, a lot of people swirling around me and there was a lot of "go with the flow" being required of me and others.
If you've known me for more than like 5 seconds in real life you will know that I'm not a super huge fan of going with the flow. I need a plan, I crave a plan. When there isn't a plan I make one, which is why I almost always become the planner and corraller of groups because I feel so comfortable there.

So you can clearly see why this slouchy purse wasn't working for me. I needed control. I needed structure, I needed....a new structured purse.
Because I know I can't control all these people and how they interat and how I interact with them. But I can control where I put my wallet in this super cute (bright blue) new purse and I can control that my keys go in this pocket and my phone in that one and that I have the final say and no one else.

Gosh. Sometimes the ridiculous methods to my madness come clearly into view and I find myself thinking, "What kind of C to the RAZY person thinks like this?!"
Then I realize, I do. Harumph.

I'm trying to set healthier boundaries in life. Part of that for me is retiring from a few roles I've assigned myself over the years. I've felt the need to be the planner because I crave control and structure. But I'm forcing myself to not plan things so tightly because there is so much beauty with just going with the flow sometimes (to be completely transparent I'm shaking when I type that because I don't really REALLY believe that right now)

But I'm trying. Because even though I crave a plan and control I also am totally stressed out by it, shamefully sometimes. When the plan goes awry and things run late I will (and have) often sacrifice(d) others under the steamroller of my planning zeal.
As hurt as I've been by things and events being more important than people I certainly don't want to be a person that is more concerned with being on time then with my relationship with others.

I don't know what the answer is, but I'm trying (and I'm fairly certain the bright blue super fab purse is totally helping).

Fallow

Fallow: To plow, harrow and break up as land without seeding for the purpose of destroying weeds and insects and rendering it mellow

The word fallow has been running through my head a lot lately. It was used in a rather innocuous conversation but it keeps coming back to me. 

I feel very fallow right now. 

I feel as if my heart has been broken up, plowed through lately. I'm digging through a lot of pushed down and locked away memories and feelings and trying to re-process them appropriately and grieve that which has been left ungrieved. I'm being left fallow for the specific purpose of destroying the weeds and insects, the lies, the fall out of my own sin and that of those around me is being dealt with and I'm working to move forward.

I'm setting new boundaries and struggling to remember myself where I've set them. Old habits die very hard and right now I'm having to outright murder some of the deepest running habits. 

But I know that in the end, the plowing and breaking up of all this will render it mellow. It will render my heart more whole then it's been since I can remember. It will improve the relationships that will remain (and they will remain because they are healthy and uplifting and not abusive and oppressive) and it will allow me to create new relationships in a way I'm still terrified to do now. 

I have no idea what that will look like, only that what it will look like will me more uniquely who God created me to be then I've ever been open to being. It's terrifying, exciting and overwhelming. 

You know, just the average Monday for this 31 year old girl.

Good Things: March

March 1 Fun meeting learning about Washington Project partnering with 50 area churches to serve the city of Cincinnati

March 2 Hanging with Sharen, Matthew and Pete at home. Much Mario was played and giggling was done

March 3 Good therapy session and good review of therapy sessions with Pete and Nicole

March 4 Mystery Science Theater 3000 and going to sleep without setting an alarm

March 5 Impromptu afternoon and evening of fun with roomie at the Home & Garden show and Newport Kentucky

March 6 I finally painted the closet doors

March 7 Stayed home sick today and ate a ridiculous amount of taco dip to try to clear my sinuses. Also, rallied for the Washington Project leadership meeting

March 8 Found out I could go on a last minute trip to a leadership conference for almost free!

March 9 Roadtrip to Anderson, South Carolina with some church folk. Had some goooooooood bbq on the way

March 10 Unleash conference with a bunch of friends, great great stuff followed by giggling and candy cigarettes on the way home

March 11 Scheduled the first FREE family portrait for our Washington Project 3/27. So excited to tell that mom "No, really. It's completely free. We just want to serve your family this way for free." SO AWESOME

March 12 My So Called Life on Netflix, I felt all angsty and wanted to color my hair red

March 13 I am officially in love with the sofa at this dog sitting house. Deep and cushy and soooooo snuggly

March 14 I love Bethenny Frankel (and Bethenny Ever After) I just do ok.

March 15 Dinner and hanging out on the BEST.SOFA.EVER with roomie

March 16 Lunch with Mandy from :insertfreightcompanynamehere:! She's my favorite!

March 17 Great meeing with Ben about things to come with outreach and great therapy session. Then I went home and went to bed at 830pm

March 18 Hellllllooooooo tax refund!

March 19 Spent a healthy chunk of my tax refund on clothes (which was desperately needed) and yummy dinner at Fuji House with the fam

March 20 Wonderful morning with Washington Project and yummy lunch with Pete after at Smashburger

March 21 Hectic day at work and early bedtime

March 22 Ate lunch outside with sunglasses on, it made me very very happy!

March 23 Only 2 more sleeps until I can sleep in my own bed without 3 smelly farting dogs again!

March 24 Had a hilariously awkward conersation with a married friend about why it's not appropriate for me to go to his house when his wife (and no one else) is there. Poor fella was clueless.

March 25 Jake and Cody are here!

March 26 Yummmmmmy milkshake and a cute owl necklace

March 27 My closets doors are hung and my super cute doorknobs installed. They look great despite being two different doors (even though the boxes said they were the same, ugh!)

March 28 I am seriously so excited to have slept in my own bed for the last few nights, it makes such a difference.

March 29 Today was Tuesday, but it was also my Friday for the week. Huzzah!

March 30 Great Wolf Lodge for a family staycation. I LOVE being in water (but not so much the bathing suit)

March 31 Happy Birthday Mom! I'm so excited about your birthday gift!