Fallow

Fallow: To plow, harrow and break up as land without seeding for the purpose of destroying weeds and insects and rendering it mellow

The word fallow has been running through my head a lot lately. It was used in a rather innocuous conversation but it keeps coming back to me. 

I feel very fallow right now. 

I feel as if my heart has been broken up, plowed through lately. I'm digging through a lot of pushed down and locked away memories and feelings and trying to re-process them appropriately and grieve that which has been left ungrieved. I'm being left fallow for the specific purpose of destroying the weeds and insects, the lies, the fall out of my own sin and that of those around me is being dealt with and I'm working to move forward.

I'm setting new boundaries and struggling to remember myself where I've set them. Old habits die very hard and right now I'm having to outright murder some of the deepest running habits. 

But I know that in the end, the plowing and breaking up of all this will render it mellow. It will render my heart more whole then it's been since I can remember. It will improve the relationships that will remain (and they will remain because they are healthy and uplifting and not abusive and oppressive) and it will allow me to create new relationships in a way I'm still terrified to do now. 

I have no idea what that will look like, only that what it will look like will me more uniquely who God created me to be then I've ever been open to being. It's terrifying, exciting and overwhelming. 

You know, just the average Monday for this 31 year old girl.