Purses

One of the most singularly female things about me is my adoration of cute purses. They don't have to be expensive, just cute and (often) colorful and BIG. Usually the bigger the better.
I typically carry the following in my purse almost always:

checkbook, wallet, tissues, several colors of lip gloss/stick, girly products, pens and pens and pens, gum/mints, hairbrush, book(s), phone, ipod, earbuds, full size bottle of lotion, keys to several homes (dogsitting) and to several cars (dogsitting, church), hairties, sunglasses.

That's what's ALWAYS in there. I also toss in food, jewelry, scarves, glasses, contacts, medicine etc.

I vary from super slouchy and baggy purses to super compartmentalized and structured purses.  There is no rhyme or reason why I love the ones I do, I just do.

But I noticed when I bought a new purse last week that they also reflect the state of my mind/heart. I was carrying a recently purchased purse that was big and slouchy and dark. I went back to the site of my most recent purse addiction and knew I was buying another purse (because honestly, why not!).
I was feeling really chaotic and out of control that day (and most of the days before). There was a lot going on, a lot of people swirling around me and there was a lot of "go with the flow" being required of me and others.
If you've known me for more than like 5 seconds in real life you will know that I'm not a super huge fan of going with the flow. I need a plan, I crave a plan. When there isn't a plan I make one, which is why I almost always become the planner and corraller of groups because I feel so comfortable there.

So you can clearly see why this slouchy purse wasn't working for me. I needed control. I needed structure, I needed....a new structured purse.
Because I know I can't control all these people and how they interat and how I interact with them. But I can control where I put my wallet in this super cute (bright blue) new purse and I can control that my keys go in this pocket and my phone in that one and that I have the final say and no one else.

Gosh. Sometimes the ridiculous methods to my madness come clearly into view and I find myself thinking, "What kind of C to the RAZY person thinks like this?!"
Then I realize, I do. Harumph.

I'm trying to set healthier boundaries in life. Part of that for me is retiring from a few roles I've assigned myself over the years. I've felt the need to be the planner because I crave control and structure. But I'm forcing myself to not plan things so tightly because there is so much beauty with just going with the flow sometimes (to be completely transparent I'm shaking when I type that because I don't really REALLY believe that right now)

But I'm trying. Because even though I crave a plan and control I also am totally stressed out by it, shamefully sometimes. When the plan goes awry and things run late I will (and have) often sacrifice(d) others under the steamroller of my planning zeal.
As hurt as I've been by things and events being more important than people I certainly don't want to be a person that is more concerned with being on time then with my relationship with others.

I don't know what the answer is, but I'm trying (and I'm fairly certain the bright blue super fab purse is totally helping).