Lately I've felt totally incapable of human interaction. But I also recognize the giant red flag that is my constant withdrawing from human contact and any form of community.
So color me.....caught..... when our small group winter term launches and I begin looking for the safe bet of a learning group.
I feel comfortable and safe in a learning group. There's a defined topic of conversation and I can "brace" myself for the community that happens there.
It all sounds so sexy doesn't it?
Because sometimes I need to prepare for community. To make sure that all my ragged edges and ugly is contained and neatly tucked away in the darkest part of my heart. Which...yes, I realize is the opposite of what the actual point of community is but whatevs.
As I'm flipping through the group choices I feel that annoying stirring. Most of you know which one I'm talking about.
It whispered...NO learning groups. You need to CONNECT.
There's this standing apart I feel when I go to learning groups. I can cover myself in learning and studying that while on the surface it seems like I connect with others I don't really. I get to be the sometimes serious but mostly joking/ice breaking person. No one pushes this on me, it's my comfort zone.
But connecting groups. UGH. There is an open end of conversation, there is no one focus for the group other than connecting and having fun.
I mean, I'm sure they're awesome. I hear they're awesome. But I get so stressed about it because how do I plan witty things to say?! How do I know how to behave so I won't be the weird awkward girl?! What if I have to ask where the BATHROOM is?!
Unfortunately, I'm asking for help this year. The thing with asking for help is that I have to DO something. I have to make an effort instead of sitting at home and pouting about :insertanynumberofitemshere:.
So I'm doing something.
I'm signing up for a connecting group.
I'm going to go every time.
I'm going to reach out and connect even though the most casual new acquaintances seem terrifying to me right now.
Because if I evade people long enough I'll have no one left to ask for help.