It feels weird to be 32.
I love birthdays. I really do. But the last few years I've noticed that I don't want to bring mine up. I hold my breath almost waiting for the day to pass unnoticed.
I expect for you to forget.
Because I feel forgotten so much.
I sit and wonder if anyone will say anything or do anything fun when I've never had a single year when everyone forgot.
But still I expect it so I won't be surprised when no one remembers. Some years I combat this by throwing myself a party, other years I just quietly sit and wait, then act surprised when people want to do something....because honestly, I'm surprised.
It feels weird to be 32 after another year of digging around in and cleaning out the dark corners of my heart. I've learned to be a better friend to some this year, and I've learned how to ask for better friendships. I've come to grips with just how damaged I have been from the trauma I jokingly brushed aside for so long and minimized in so many ways. I've asked for help, even when I didn't feel like it and especially when I didn't expect help to arrive.
But this year, I started acknowledging that it hurt, that it really hurt even still after all this time. I started asking to be chosen and then learning that when I wasn't that I wasn't responsible for other peoples emotional choices.
As silly as it sounds I've learned that I'm an adult. I was blown away one day in the midst of some serious fear about an upcoming meeting with someone new I realized I am an adult. I was afraid this person was out to get me, was going to attack me in some way and I didn't feel safe. But I remembered; I have a car, that I own, that I can drive wherever I want to drive whenever I want to drive it and if this person starts attacking me I can just get up and leave.
You could have knocked me over with a feather.
To some, on the surface, I seem a little crazier. But the thing is, all of this was seething under the surface like a life force I had no control over. I don't know how much control I have over it now, I only know that letting the crazy out feels healthier than keeping it in most days.
So I'm 32. I'm making big girl decisions about things and asking for relationships that are healthier than I've ever had before. I've had a group of girlfriends pop up that I never expected. I mean I honestly never expected these women. But I'm so happy they popped up anyway.
I feel calmer than I ever have on the inside, the outside will come later I suppose.
So here's to 32, I can't wait to see what happens this year.