Almost two weeks ago I was at the gym working out with Funny Trainer (FT). He gets that name because he is funny. Most of the time I'm working out with him I have either a stupid grin on my face or a scowl (because he's mean and makes me super exert myself).
We were towards the end of our session and he was having me do these calf push up things. I'm standing on the ball of my left foot, with my right foot hooked behind my ankle and I'm raising myself up and down. FT says something stupid and I laugh.
Then I see him. HT. Walking towards us.
But I can't stop smiling. I keep thinking about the stupid thing that FT said and how it's funny. I think about how hot HT is. I think about how I would give almost anything to amputate my left calf at this moment in time because it flippin burns!
HT asks FT a question, I choose this moment to give HT the once over. Because....well....because he's HOT people. He is HOT.
Picture it, me in all my sweaty not in shape glory bobbing up and down on one foot with a big stupid grin on my face oogling HT.
As my eyes traveled back up to his face (his very cute face) I notice that his eyes are on mine. He smiles a funny little smile and says, "Well hello Bethany."
I immediately avert my eyes and begin desperately searching the ground around my little torture device (also known as exercise machine) for some sort of hole to disappeer into. FT whips around and rolls his eyes at me and says, "Love you, bye" (which is oddly what he says at the end of every session...)
I gratefully sprint into the womens locker room and slink out to my car.
As I'm sitting in the car waiting to regain feeling in my calves it hits me.
HT remembered my name.
Oh.My.Gosh.
I think that means we're getting married next weekend. Hope you can all make it!
12.28.2009
12.18.2009
No Idea
Dear You Have No Idea:
I can't remember ever meeting you, and I'm sure I would remember because I can't remember a time that I didn't want to punch you in the face. You have absolutely no idea how lucky you are to have her in your life every day. Every.Day.
She shows up early, stays late and does everything you ask her to do and more. She has taken on your personal disasters as well as your professional ones and she prays for you to meet Jesus and be transformed by him.
Yet you insist on belittling her, wiping the floor with her and mocking her openly. I don't care that you've had a bad day, I don't care that things are falling apart in your life. Many of those things are of your own doing. You are a grown woman. Take responsibility for your own life and stop being such a massive wench to my friend.
She is lovely. She is kind, gentle, generous, hilarious, intelligent and a beloved child of a big God. I generally try to be an even keeled person that isn't prone to violance but I swear I have no idea if I will be able to keep from smacking you across the face if I ever get to be in the same room as you.
I live 3 hours away from her. I miss her every day. Every minute. I would give anything to be able to see her as often as you do and you take it for granted.
It just makes me so mad!
Sincelery:
One who knows how amazing she is
PS: You especially suck for making her cry so hard on her BIRTHDAY
I can't remember ever meeting you, and I'm sure I would remember because I can't remember a time that I didn't want to punch you in the face. You have absolutely no idea how lucky you are to have her in your life every day. Every.Day.
She shows up early, stays late and does everything you ask her to do and more. She has taken on your personal disasters as well as your professional ones and she prays for you to meet Jesus and be transformed by him.
Yet you insist on belittling her, wiping the floor with her and mocking her openly. I don't care that you've had a bad day, I don't care that things are falling apart in your life. Many of those things are of your own doing. You are a grown woman. Take responsibility for your own life and stop being such a massive wench to my friend.
She is lovely. She is kind, gentle, generous, hilarious, intelligent and a beloved child of a big God. I generally try to be an even keeled person that isn't prone to violance but I swear I have no idea if I will be able to keep from smacking you across the face if I ever get to be in the same room as you.
I live 3 hours away from her. I miss her every day. Every minute. I would give anything to be able to see her as often as you do and you take it for granted.
It just makes me so mad!
Sincelery:
One who knows how amazing she is
PS: You especially suck for making her cry so hard on her BIRTHDAY
12.13.2009
You say I am Worthy
Bundled up, surrounded by lyrics and words on a page reminding me that I am worthy. Reminding me that the chill of a disregard so deep and wide I can't recall ever being able to see past it.
Typing into the night, reassuring myself that the words flicked carelessly from the tongues of women so unhappy are no longer true, if they ever were.
You say that I am worthy.
You say I am lovely.
You say I am a friend.
You called me out of death and let me try again.
You say I am beloved.
You say I am clean.
You show me all the beauty that you see in me.
Posts that may only be slightly related:
Them
Bad Girl
Stiff
Typing into the night, reassuring myself that the words flicked carelessly from the tongues of women so unhappy are no longer true, if they ever were.
You say that I am worthy.
You say I am lovely.
You say I am a friend.
You called me out of death and let me try again.
You say I am beloved.
You say I am clean.
You show me all the beauty that you see in me.
I know that she’s a liar when I look into her eyes-All the Beauty (Kati's Story) JJ Heller
But I believe in every word she says
She’s out to start a fire burning everything I have
I can’t put it out ’cause it’s all inside my head
And then you sing
I hear you sing
You call me lovely
You call me friend
You call me out of death and let me try again
You call me beloved
You call me clean
Then you show me all the beauty that you see in me
I still hear her whisper and sometimes I hear her shout
You’re not good enough and you will never be
But if I focus on your singing I can start to tune her out
’Cause you came with a love to set me free
I know that you love me enough to die
And I will try to see the value that you place on me
And you say I’m worthy
Posts that may only be slightly related:
Them
Bad Girl
Stiff
12.11.2009
Soft Place to Land
Today was a hard day. Full of hard people. I mean it's all very middle class white girl hard but I felt very beat up today.
Comments that would normally roll off my back stuck like barbed wire in my heart.
I drove home, hoping for a soft place to land.
There was my bed. There were my cats. But sometimes, as was explained so clearly this afternoon....that sort of just makes me feel like the crazy cat lady.
Which is stupid. Because I don't feel that way.
I don't feel lame. I don't feel like a crazy cat lady. I'm happy. With this little put together life with friends and family that I love.
I know that if push came to shove there were hundreds of places I could have gone tonight and they all would have offered me a soft place to land.
Sometimes though, they don't always feel like my soft place to land.
It's ok really. In this discontent I'm changing. I'm finding more of the girl that God is calling me to be. The big picture, that isn't lost in all the hard middle class white girl problems and the mind numbing monotony of house keeping and paying bills, is that all of this is refining me and developing me into who I'm supposed to be.
But some days...some days I look around and wonder if I will ever feel like I've found my very own safe place to land. One that waits for me at home, or even somewhere else. It's easy, and would be most convenient for many people if this safe place were a husband, or at the very least a boyfriend. It might even be most convenient for me, because then I wouldn't have to feel like I had to explain myself over and over again when I am declared less than through sideways glances and innocuous questions that add up to the same total: alone.
Like I said; most days it just rolls right off my back. Most days I completely grasp and understand in the moments people call my life lame, my plans, the things that bring me joy lame, when they seem to look upon my little contented life with pity because I'm not swinging from the ceiling with some hot young man to (as someone put it recently) "release some of that tension" (and let me not actually get into the idea that is is somehow ok for people to tell me openly that I just need to go hook up with someone and have sex because I don't have a boyfriend or husband so therefore my whole problem with life must surely only be that I'm not getting laid). I understand where they're coming from, what it is they are looking for and therefore what they think I should also be looking for. Most days I'm ok with it.
It's the other days. The middle class white girl hard days when I look around and wonder where my soft place to land is, and if it will ever show itself. I wonder if someone forgot to make me a soft place to land, a shelter from a world that feels really hard some days. It's that kind of day that I had today.
More and more though, I'm seeing glimpses of it; a soft place to land. I'm wondering if I'm brave enough to commit to it.
Posts that may only be related:
Do you know
Captured
Room
By the way: I'm disabling the comments on this post. Because I know a lot of the people that read here (all 5 of you) and I know that you will all be quick to protest that I can land with you. You will post supportive and funny things about wanting names so you can kick ass on my behalf. Which I appreciate. But for this post, I just sort of want to sit in the discontent by myself for a bit.
Comments that would normally roll off my back stuck like barbed wire in my heart.
I drove home, hoping for a soft place to land.
There was my bed. There were my cats. But sometimes, as was explained so clearly this afternoon....that sort of just makes me feel like the crazy cat lady.
Which is stupid. Because I don't feel that way.
I don't feel lame. I don't feel like a crazy cat lady. I'm happy. With this little put together life with friends and family that I love.
I know that if push came to shove there were hundreds of places I could have gone tonight and they all would have offered me a soft place to land.
Sometimes though, they don't always feel like my soft place to land.
It's ok really. In this discontent I'm changing. I'm finding more of the girl that God is calling me to be. The big picture, that isn't lost in all the hard middle class white girl problems and the mind numbing monotony of house keeping and paying bills, is that all of this is refining me and developing me into who I'm supposed to be.
But some days...some days I look around and wonder if I will ever feel like I've found my very own safe place to land. One that waits for me at home, or even somewhere else. It's easy, and would be most convenient for many people if this safe place were a husband, or at the very least a boyfriend. It might even be most convenient for me, because then I wouldn't have to feel like I had to explain myself over and over again when I am declared less than through sideways glances and innocuous questions that add up to the same total: alone.
Like I said; most days it just rolls right off my back. Most days I completely grasp and understand in the moments people call my life lame, my plans, the things that bring me joy lame, when they seem to look upon my little contented life with pity because I'm not swinging from the ceiling with some hot young man to (as someone put it recently) "release some of that tension" (and let me not actually get into the idea that is is somehow ok for people to tell me openly that I just need to go hook up with someone and have sex because I don't have a boyfriend or husband so therefore my whole problem with life must surely only be that I'm not getting laid). I understand where they're coming from, what it is they are looking for and therefore what they think I should also be looking for. Most days I'm ok with it.
It's the other days. The middle class white girl hard days when I look around and wonder where my soft place to land is, and if it will ever show itself. I wonder if someone forgot to make me a soft place to land, a shelter from a world that feels really hard some days. It's that kind of day that I had today.
More and more though, I'm seeing glimpses of it; a soft place to land. I'm wondering if I'm brave enough to commit to it.
You’re different from the way I thought you’d be- Where I Land JJ Heller
But here you are in front of me
So full of light I watch it overflow
A lovely mystery
And I am lost for words
You’re more than I deserve
You have a way of stirring up my soul
Did you know
When you hold me in your arms the way you do
It feels like coming home
And I am lost for words
You’re more than I deserve
And when I cannot stand
You are where I land
And when the years have stolen youth away
I will stay
You will be the keeper of my heart
Until my final day
Posts that may only be related:
Do you know
Captured
Room
By the way: I'm disabling the comments on this post. Because I know a lot of the people that read here (all 5 of you) and I know that you will all be quick to protest that I can land with you. You will post supportive and funny things about wanting names so you can kick ass on my behalf. Which I appreciate. But for this post, I just sort of want to sit in the discontent by myself for a bit.
12.04.2009
Popcorn
I went to bed at 830pm last night and slept until 630am. I've been feeling a bit down lately and I have no good reason (or any reason really) why. It could be that winter is coming, the daylight doesn't stick around as long, the thoughts this past weekend stirred up, the heinous workout FT made me do on Tuesday. It could be any of those things and none of those things.
But one thing is for certain. I'm feeling run down and run out. My defenses are down and I'm feeling quite susceptible to the slightest criticism or affront. I'm feeling quite exposed and vulnerable which drives me to withdrawal from life.
Laying in bed last night it started again. Slowly, like popcorn when you first put it in the microwave. There's nothing but this feeling that something is about to happen. Then a pop here, a pop there every so many seconds.
"This is stupid" *pop*
"Snap out of it" *pop*
"Nobody loves you" *pop*
Minutes pass with a pop here, a pop there. I scrunch my eyes closed, praying, trying to stave off the onslaught I feel is coming (do I make it come by thinking it will?).
"You're stupid, you're fat" *pop pop*
"You'll fail, why even try" *pop pop*
I begin to pray out loud, trying to drown out the crazy in my head. Not again, no more. This isn't the truth, this isn't who I am, this isn't who God has created me to be.
The temperature hits just the right level and all the kernels begin to explode.
"Fat, stupid, ugly, worthless, nasty, selfish, bad, ridiculous, embarrassing, the tasks you complete make people give a shit about you..otherwise they wouldn't, it's what you do that gives you worth not just who you are, why even try they'll all laugh at you anyway, you're inconvenient, troublesome, annoying"
*pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop*
I make these thoughts self fulfilling when I keep them to myself. When I don't lance the wounds and let it air out. By withdrawing I don't let people in, when I don't let them in they can't come in. When they don't come in, even when it's because I don't let them I assume it's because they think those same libelous thoughts about me.
So I try to contain it, hide it, sweep it under the covers I pull over my head.
It never works, it won't this time.
I'm trying to just get over it. I'm trying to believe the truth instead of the lies. Today I just feel like that's another thing I'm failing at, proving all of the lies to be true.
Posts that may only be slightly related:
Pete Gall
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Knowing the truth
12.03.2009
A Minefield Undetected
Well it came & caught us off our guard
We were just laughin'
Feelin' alright
Had such a great time just last night
We walked into a minefield undetected
You took a tone
I took offense
Anger replacing all common sense
Oh, run for your life
All tenderness is gone
In the blink of an eye
All goodwill has withdrawn
We mark out our paces
And stare our from our faces
Baby, you & I are gone, gone, gone
Incomprehensible, layers of isolation
Now you're the man with a heart of stone
Making me pay by being alone
Soon you will justify righteous indignation
Now I'm a woman who holds all her pain
Looking for somebody else to blame
Chorus
We hold all the keys to our undoing
Cutting me down in small degrees
You know my worst insecurities
I'm making no effort to understand
No one can hurt you like I can
Deep down inside the girl's waking up
She's going to look to the boy she loves
It's me
Oh, baby, it's me
Hmmmmmm
How in the world can tenderness be gone - in the blink of an eye?
Ohh, how in the world can tenderness be gone - in the blink of an eye?
"It's Me" -Sara Groves
12.02.2009
Like a Lake
so much hurt and preservation
like a tendril round my soul
so much painful information
no clear way on how to hold it
when everything in me is tightening
curling in around this ache
I will lay my heart wide open
like the surface of a lake
wide open like a lake
standing at this waters edge
looking in at God's own heart
I've no idea where to begin
to swallow up the way things are
everything in me is drawing in
closing in around this pain
I will lay my heart wide open
like the surface of a lake
wide open like a lake
bring the wind and bring the thunder
bring the rain till I am tried
when it's over bring me stillness
let my face reflect the sky
and all the grace and all the wonder
of a peace that I can't fake
wide open like a lake
everything in me is tightening
curling in around this ache
I am fighting to stay open
I am fighting to stay open
open open oh wide open
open like a lake
- "Like A Lake" Sara Groves
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