Comments that would normally roll off my back stuck like barbed wire in my heart.
I drove home, hoping for a soft place to land.
There was my bed. There were my cats. But sometimes, as was explained so clearly this afternoon....that sort of just makes me feel like the crazy cat lady.
Which is stupid. Because I don't feel that way.
I don't feel lame. I don't feel like a crazy cat lady. I'm happy. With this little put together life with friends and family that I love.
I know that if push came to shove there were hundreds of places I could have gone tonight and they all would have offered me a soft place to land.
Sometimes though, they don't always feel like my soft place to land.
It's ok really. In this discontent I'm changing. I'm finding more of the girl that God is calling me to be. The big picture, that isn't lost in all the hard middle class white girl problems and the mind numbing monotony of house keeping and paying bills, is that all of this is refining me and developing me into who I'm supposed to be.
But some days...some days I look around and wonder if I will ever feel like I've found my very own safe place to land. One that waits for me at home, or even somewhere else. It's easy, and would be most convenient for many people if this safe place were a husband, or at the very least a boyfriend. It might even be most convenient for me, because then I wouldn't have to feel like I had to explain myself over and over again when I am declared less than through sideways glances and innocuous questions that add up to the same total: alone.
Like I said; most days it just rolls right off my back. Most days I completely grasp and understand in the moments people call my life lame, my plans, the things that bring me joy lame, when they seem to look upon my little contented life with pity because I'm not swinging from the ceiling with some hot young man to (as someone put it recently) "release some of that tension" (and let me not actually get into the idea that is is somehow ok for people to tell me openly that I just need to go hook up with someone and have sex because I don't have a boyfriend or husband so therefore my whole problem with life must surely only be that I'm not getting laid). I understand where they're coming from, what it is they are looking for and therefore what they think I should also be looking for. Most days I'm ok with it.
It's the other days. The middle class white girl hard days when I look around and wonder where my soft place to land is, and if it will ever show itself. I wonder if someone forgot to make me a soft place to land, a shelter from a world that feels really hard some days. It's that kind of day that I had today.
More and more though, I'm seeing glimpses of it; a soft place to land. I'm wondering if I'm brave enough to commit to it.
You’re different from the way I thought you’d be- Where I Land JJ Heller
But here you are in front of me
So full of light I watch it overflow
A lovely mystery
And I am lost for words
You’re more than I deserve
You have a way of stirring up my soul
Did you know
When you hold me in your arms the way you do
It feels like coming home
And I am lost for words
You’re more than I deserve
And when I cannot stand
You are where I land
And when the years have stolen youth away
I will stay
You will be the keeper of my heart
Until my final day
Posts that may only be related:
Do you know
Captured
Room
By the way: I'm disabling the comments on this post. Because I know a lot of the people that read here (all 5 of you) and I know that you will all be quick to protest that I can land with you. You will post supportive and funny things about wanting names so you can kick ass on my behalf. Which I appreciate. But for this post, I just sort of want to sit in the discontent by myself for a bit.
