Sometimes I still find myself running towards the lies. Believing that I am truly way down deep inside unlovable. People I love, that I deeply respect and admire have gone to ridiculous lengths to convince me I am in fact lovable.
Even on wonderful fanfreakintastic days I hear an echo of long ago and long since dead voices telling me I am a nasty selfish girl that no one really loves.
I hate that echo.
I've tried to drown it out, smoke it out, cut it out, sweat it out. I've tried to kill it with food and I've tried to distract it with shiny boys. But still the voice remains.
I've tried to silence it with loud angry music or the blaring TV. I've given it over more times than I care to count to a God that has shown himself as nothing less than gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and abounding in love. But still it returns. The echo, always there in the deepest part of the night and the brightest time of day.
You are not lovable it hisses and slithers. I don't know how to make it stop. I don't know how to stop attributing that echo of long ago voices from over taking me. I don't know how to stop from thinking, "Any day now. Any day they'll figure out that I'm a fraud, that I'm unlovable"

I hold my breath, waiting for the hammer to drop. For you to figure it out. I find myself terrified and tongue tied when I try to pray because I don't want Him to find out, or more so I don't want to remind Him how truly unlovable I am.
The contradiction is found in knowing it is a lie; but still believing it's true.

It's prideful, this obsession that I can truly be that unlovable. The idea that I can have information that God does not already know inside and out. The idea that I am beyond the redemption of a God that created the universe. This guilt is not well founded. This shame is not from God.
I'm just working through some things people. I'll be just fine. But sometimes this junk just needs to get out of my head before it drives me batty.

Posts that may only be slightly related:
I was Afraid

1 comment:

Pete said...

This has to be one of the hardest issues you've ever tackled, it won't happen over night, but I hear it's pretty nice on the other side of this.