12.04.2009

Popcorn



I went to bed at 830pm last night and slept until 630am. I've been feeling a bit down lately and I have no good reason (or any reason really) why. It could be that winter is coming, the daylight doesn't stick around as long, the thoughts this past weekend stirred up, the heinous workout FT made me do on Tuesday. It could be any of those things and none of those things.
But one thing is for certain. I'm feeling run down and run out. My defenses are down and I'm feeling quite susceptible to the slightest criticism or affront. I'm feeling quite exposed and vulnerable which drives me to withdrawal from life.

Laying in bed last night it started again. Slowly, like popcorn when you first put it in the microwave. There's nothing but this feeling that something is about to happen. Then a pop here, a pop there every so many seconds.
"This is stupid" *pop*
"Snap out of it" *pop*
"Nobody loves you" *pop*

Minutes pass with a pop here, a pop there. I scrunch my eyes closed, praying, trying to stave off the onslaught I feel is coming (do I make it come by thinking it will?).
"You're stupid, you're fat" *pop pop*
"You'll fail, why even try" *pop pop*

I begin to pray out loud, trying to drown out the crazy in my head. Not again, no more. This isn't the truth, this isn't who I am, this isn't who God has created me to be.

The temperature hits just the right level and all the kernels begin to explode.
"Fat, stupid, ugly, worthless, nasty, selfish, bad, ridiculous, embarrassing, the tasks you complete make people give a shit about you..otherwise they wouldn't, it's what you do that gives you worth not just who you are, why even try they'll all laugh at you anyway, you're inconvenient, troublesome, annoying"
*pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop*

I make these thoughts self fulfilling when I keep them to myself. When I don't lance the wounds and let it air out. By withdrawing I don't let people in, when I don't let them in they can't come in. When they don't come in, even when it's because I don't let them I assume it's because they think those same libelous thoughts about me.
So I try to contain it, hide it, sweep it under the covers I pull over my head.
It never works, it won't this time.

I'm trying to just get over it. I'm trying to believe the truth instead of the lies. Today I just feel like that's another thing I'm failing at, proving all of the lies to be true.


Posts that may only be slightly related:
Pete Gall
Running
Knowing the truth

3 comments:

Pete said...

I hope that when I move in our moods will cancel each other out and not amplify one another. It is strange that we feel the same from 3 hours away on different ends of the state.

I just wish I could curl up under a big fluffy blanket and watch t.v. with you.

jake - aka the comment novelist said...

You can't push me away that easily. I'm just gonna keep on lovin' you whether you like it or not.

Michelle Wegner said...

I appreciate your thoughts and vulnerability. Keep listening to the voice of truth in your head. You are beautiful and valuable. :)

Thanks so much for the blog link. :)