I read this today:
It's that rejection thing. There's nothing like it to make you obsessed with
someone you didn't even want
Man alive that one hurt.
Because it's totally true and well documented here, here, here, and here. I get so wrapped up in the obsession. I've proclaimed that it's over, that it ends today but then I slide right back into it. Because I just felt so rejected. Even though I did want him it should be done by now.
I have what feels like a huge issue with insecurity. It pops up time and time again while I run around pretending everything is alright. I spend so much time pretending that everything is under control, so much time working on being ok with...whatever. I don't ask for help because I don't think people really want to help me.
It's all very wearisome. Because it's just not true.
Then I start getting insecure about being insecure and that my friends is one vicious cycle.
This book is really good and really hard. I'm only on chapter 6, like page 87 or so out of about 350. I'm at once excited and terrified of what is to come.
Nothing elicits quicker concurrence on our part than feeling rejected. Our
equally deceptive agreement, with the original lie doubles the strength of the
bond, and through that betraying handshake, we find ourselves nodding. You are
I'm not worth wanting.
I'm not worth loving.
I'm not even worth liking.
I'm not worth pursuing.
I'm not worth fighting for.
I'm not worth keeping.
I'm not worth hiring.
I'm not even worth noticing.-pg 73
That last sentence, I mean I spend a lot of energy working on not being noticed. I simultaneously crave for people to notice and include me and desire nothing more than for a large bottomless hole to open up in the ground beneath me swallowing me whole and causing me to go unnoticed.
There are so many times that the attention, the noticing, is physically painful for me. When I'm noticed on terms other than my own self deprecating terms I get nauseous, sweaty and tearful. Because with noticing comes attention and with attention comes the loss of attention, affection, love.
Round and round I go, I'm getting really dizzy and am hoping to jump off this loop de loop soon. For now, I'm holding onto this.
I have chosen you and have not rejected you. So do not fear, for I am with
you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. Isaiah 41:9-10