3.15.2010

Vanish in the haze

I asked for help yesterday. I thought about it all day Saturday, all night, all the way to church in the morning. I made idle conversation, hemmed and hawed and finally just asked. For help.
The response was immediate and she even offered to recruit other people to help me. That was when I balked. Oh no no, I'm sure it will be fine actually never mind I can probably just manage....
But she wouldn't let me back out of my ask.
Then later Sharen asked me if I needed help moving into the hotel this afternoon. I hesitated, because after all, I could do it on my own. But I said sure and she and Matthew showed up to help me move all my stuff and two very ticked off kitties into the La Quinta.
She said, "I know you could do it on your own. But sometimes it's nice to have someone help you"
She's right. But I will disavow that I ever said that, because it's important to me to not need help. Too important most of the time. I'm trying to figure out why exactly.
Maybe it's because I think I'm strong enough, maybe it's the old nazi feminist in me. But more so I think it's the needing.
I hate to need; to feel needy. Mostly because when I need things they don't always show up. Yes yes I know...part of life is being disappointed and let down. But some days I can hardly breathe for the anticipation of being let down.
The rest of it though, is that I'm more afraid of the need being filled. That for a period, no matter how short or long, someone, or more than one someone, will come along and fill the need. Whatever that need may be. Then I'll get used to it. I grow accustomed to the helpful hand, the same constant shoulder, the same smiling face and voice of encouragement. Once I get used to it, what if it goes away? Then 'my independence might vanish into the haze'. Then what would I do?

I realize how silly it is to avoid a thing to avoid the ending of the thing. But well...most of the time I can't help myself. Sometimes the fear is so paralyzing that I end up sweating and getting nauseous so badly that I couldn't ask for help if I tried. Although I think I'm going to start trying. I have no idea what that's going to look like, but I'm going to ask for help more.
Because I know how much it means to me to be able to help people and I figure it might mean something to people to be able to help me. Now if I can just convince that silly self esteem of mine to believe that too...

Help me if you can, I'm feeling down
And I do appreciate you being round.
Help me, get my feet back on the ground,
Won't you please, please help me.

When I was younger, so much younger than today,
I never needed anybody's help in any way.
But now these days are gone, I'm not so self assured,
Now I find I've changed my mind and opened up the doors.

1 comment:

Pete said...

As someone who battles with this as well, it gets easier to ask after awhile. It was called to my attention about 10 years ago, and while some days it's easier to ask than others, it does get easier.

I find it helps people feel useful, and also is an opportunity to bond with another person over something that seems so trivial.