Relevent Singleness

I read this article in my google reader and just nodded along the entire time. With few exceptions this is exactly what I've been trying to say about being single for YEARS.
Read it.
Even if you're not single.
Because it might help you understand your chronically single people better, and let's just say we singles work to understand our married friends so maybe you can work to understand us a little too.

Until I quit dating and decided to pursue celibacy, I’d never actually met a single Christian who was not interested in finding a mate. Have you ever met someone who has chosen singleness? I am not talking about being single as an inevitable state before getting married. Being not-yet-married is not the same as making a conscious decision to forsake the possibility of love and marriage in order to pursue the Lord's work wholeheartedly. I am referring to singleness or celibacy as an act of sacrificial worship, offering one's body as a living sacrifice to God (Romans 12:1-2).

More than five years ago, as a twentysomething, career-oriented woman, I decided to pursue celibacy. My decision was not well thought-out; on the heels of a breakup, I decided to drop out of the dating-and-romance race for one year. As I came to depend more on prayer, Scripture and meditation to exert control over my mind and body, I not only persevered through my new austere life style, but found it to be a profound learning experience. I realized I came to see men as more complex people when there was no possibility that romance could develop. I found I had much more time to devote to my Lord's service without all the excitement of meeting guys, dating them and eventually moving on. Now, not quite six years down this road, I love celibacy. It has been a profound experience of growth and worship. I would be honored if God saw fit to keep me single. On the other hand, I have taken no vow; I am not a nun. If it becomes clear than marriage is right for me, I can live with that too. No matter which path I follow, I will always be an advocate for singleness because I deeply believe that it is part of God's plan.

So, why choose singleness?

There are a couple of direct New Testament references to singleness. Our Lord said: "For some are eunuchs because they were born that way; others were made that way by men; and others have renounced marriage because of the kingdom of heaven. The one who can accept this should accept it" (Matthew 19:12).

While Jesus gave validity to the single life in this passage from Matthew, it was the apostle Paul who explained in detail why singleness can be such a productive lifestyle choice for those who serve God.

"I would like you to be free from concern. An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord's affairs—how he can please the Lord. But a married man is concerned about the affairs of this world—how he can please his wife— and his interests are divided. An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord's affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world—how she can please her husband. I am saying this for your own good, not to restrict you, but that you may live in a right way in undivided devotion to the Lord" (I Corinthians 7: 32-35).

So, are singles part of God's plan? Jesus indicates they are. Why is singleness useful in the Kingdom? Paul explains that following God with reckless abandon requires people to leave behind all earthly attachments that distract them from the Lord's affairs.

These two passages really cut to the heart of me. I do want to offer my whole life to my God's service. I long for my heart to be aligned with His. If remaining single will make me more available for His service, then I can think of no better use of my life.

In the last few years that I have been pursuing celibacy, I have been shocked to hear some of the assumptions people make about single Christian women. No, I don't feel like God owes me a husband and I don't feel disappointed that one has not appeared. No, I don't have trouble getting dates. In fact, I have become an expert at avoiding and/or turning down potential suitors. No, my father wasn't absent or abusive or bad to my mother. He is a good Christian man who has been a faithful, loving husband and father for more than 30 years. And no, I am not angry at men, hiding from men, gay or sexually confused.

Yet I do understand why so many folks need to "explain" my choice. Our culture, both the larger culture and our Western, protestant, church culture, has no place for single women. There are no official channels for women who wish to dedicate their lives to the Lord's service. If a woman chooses to give up the possibility of being a wife and giving birth to children, then that woman must be damaged in some way, right? Truth be told, I do not believe anyone consciously thinks I am damaged. But I do suspect, based on the concerned looks and pitiful glances of the church folk, many of my brothers and sisters think I am settling for a lesser version of God's will, a sadder, lonelier life than what God intended for me. In fact, I am wholeheartedly engaging life, serving my God with loyalties undivided. I feel nothing less than blessed.

Although I love my life, I am making a sacrifice. The idea of spending the rest of my life without sex ... well, that is a hard reality to bear. Also, I admit that, in fits of girlishness, I have indulged in imagining who my perfect match would be—what that big, strong, humble, God-fearing man would be like. I have the occasional weak moment, moments of doubt or frustration.

Neither the pitiful glances nor the moments of doubt have led me to question my decision. Somehow Jesus makes celibacy seem like such a good deal. "'I tell you the truth,' Jesus said to them, 'no one who has left home or wife or brothers or parents or children for the sake of the kingdom of God will fail to receive many times as much in this age and, in the age to come, eternal life'" (Luke 18:29-30). In this life, I choose Jesus and gladly follow His lead wherever we may go. I believe that whatever I give up will be restored to me in ways I cannot possibly fathom. For now, I will continue to pursue celibacy as a spiritual discipline and an act of sacrificial worship, giving cheerfully from what I have to a God who has given me everything.

Connecting

Lately I've felt totally incapable of human interaction. But I also recognize the giant red flag that is my constant withdrawing from human contact and any form of community.
So color me.....caught..... when our small group winter term launches and I begin looking for the safe bet of a learning group.
I feel comfortable and safe in a learning group. There's a defined topic of conversation and I can "brace" myself for the community that happens there.
It all sounds so sexy doesn't it?

Because sometimes I need to prepare for community. To make sure that all my ragged edges and ugly is contained and neatly tucked away in the darkest part of my heart. Which...yes, I realize is the opposite of what the actual point of community is but whatevs.

As I'm flipping through the group choices I feel that annoying stirring. Most of you know which one I'm talking about.
It whispered...NO learning groups. You need to CONNECT.
Ughalicious

There's this standing apart I feel when I go to learning groups. I can cover myself in learning and studying that while on the surface it seems like I connect with others I don't really. I get to be the sometimes serious but mostly joking/ice breaking person. No one pushes this on me, it's my comfort zone.

But connecting groups. UGH. There is an open end of conversation, there is no one focus for the group other than connecting and having fun.
I mean, I'm sure they're awesome. I hear they're awesome. But I get so stressed about it because how do I plan witty things to say?! How do I know how to behave so I won't be the weird awkward girl?! What if I have to ask where the BATHROOM is?!

Unfortunately, I'm asking for help this year. The thing with asking for help is that I have to DO something. I have to make an effort instead of sitting at home and pouting about :insertanynumberofitemshere:.
So I'm doing something.
I'm signing up for a connecting group.
I'm going to go every time.
I'm going to reach out and connect even though the most casual new acquaintances seem terrifying to me right now.
Because if I evade people long enough I'll have no one left to ask for help.

10 Things: TV Edition

I cancelled our DirecTv service last week. Here are 10 things I have to say about that.

1. I was cable free for 5 years and then signed a 2 year contract for satellite. I have had a love/hate relationship with it the entire 2 years
2. I started trying to talk Pete into canceling satellite a few months ago. Because he was looking forward to tv in the basement finally and I wanted to be fair to him, but I also really wanted to go satellite/cable free again.
3. I got a Wii for Christmas, in case you haven't picked up on that. We can now stream Netflix through the Wii
4. I bought a new TV for the living room when the living room murdered my old one. It's HDMI capable so I can hook my computer right to it and watch Hulu for free.
5. Pete and I haven't watched live television in I can't remember how long (except for last Friday when we both looked at each other and wondered what we do now)
6. I have lost my last day to reality tv marathons
7. With conversion boxes and HD antennas I already have we can still see the local/network channels (ABC, NBC, CBS, FOX, PBS) for free or a small up front cost of $40 (conversion box).
8. We have gone from $85 per month EVERY FREAKING MONTH to $8 for our live stream Netflix account. Holy breathing room in the budget batman.
9. I got a little choked up canceling it on the phone with DirecTv thinking about how inconvenient it might be to watch TV now. Because I'm basically lazy and don't want to have to get off the sofa every 40 minutes to choose another episode from my Hulu queue....
10. We're going from $85 per month to $8. It's a big enough relief to say twice.

So here's to making it less convenient to lose days to mindless TV and more time reading books and doing product things around the house!


I'm really hoping I don't have a post in a few months talking about how annoying it was without cable and that we re-signed. But I reserve the right to change my mind because I can and what are you going to do about it anyway? Huh? What? Yeah....that's what I thought.

Where Hides This Joy?

Where hides this joy of the Lord, this God who fills the earth with good things, and how do I fully live when life is full of hurt?

How do I wake up to joy and grace and beauty and all that is the fullest life when I must stay numb to losses and crushed dreams and all that empties me out?

How do we choose to allow the holes to become seeing-through-to-God places? To more-God places?

How do I give up resentment for gratitude, gnawing anger for spilling joy? Self-focus for God-communion.

To fully live—to live full of grace and joy and all that is beauty eternal. It is possible, wildly.

                                        - Ann Voskamp 'One Thousand Gifts'

Everything's OK

There have been several things happening both around my office and around my sphere of friends. Little things, adding up. But everyone is still ok. At least that's what they say when you ask them how they are.
When people ask me how I am I usually just say I'm ok. Because I'm ok. I'm fine. I'm not great. But I'm out of bed and out in the world doing what needs to be done just like everyone else.

But I said to a friend at lunch the other day, how do you respond when the answer feels like "I'm completely falling apart". Because while I'm ok, and I'm fine and I'm out in the world doing what needs to be done I also feel like I'm completely falling apart. I feel like little birds of prey disguised as friendships disintegrating, professional chaos and what is (if I'm being completely and frighteningly honest) an escalating and choking case of pretty severe depression, are picking away at my coping with life skills.

Sometimes it feels like if I say that, I need to justify it. It feels that way because I am a pleaser but also because I've had to in the past. People who I've finally opened up to have asked me why I can't just get over it because I have a nice life so what could possibly be the problem.
How can I possibly explain that it's not one thing. It would almost be better if it was something big. I told my friend I wish I could get a boyfriend than have a terrible break up because I feel like people could understand feeling like this about that. But it's all the little things of life. Paying bills, navigating complicated professional relationships, tiptoeing through friendships that feel unfamiliar and where I mostly feel unwanted trying to belong somewhere, even breathing in and out, getting out of bed in the morning....it's all just feeling like to much lately.

I don't know if it's seasonal, actually I know that it's not. I just want you to not worry about me. This has been going on severely since that September weekend and was building before that since the previous spring. I've just been able to manage it (however poorly) since then.
But I can't manage it anymore.

So I'm getting help, I've made the appointment, and each morning I force myself out of bed and into a world that feels like monsters in a haunted house to me right now.

Forgive me that I don't know how to say that to you in person. Because how would I explain it. It's not just that thing that happened, or this thing that happened. There hasn't been any great travesty that has happened.

It's both simply and not so simply the damage of this broken girl finally making it's way to the surface and God refusing to let me bury it anymore.

Choices

In the clanging and clattering noise I was able to see it.
Under the dull roar of the voices surrounding me I felt it all land on my heart at once.
I started speaking and then couldn't stop.
Warm puddles of tears pooling then falling, dripping into my lunch.

In one moment my brain clicked with my heart and I was able to articulate things hidden and shadowed.

I can still feel the warmth of the wetness under my eyes.
I can still taste the salt it left on my lips.

Is it possible to feel at once lighter and heavier at the same time? Because that is how I feel. My heart was lifted and reassured by the lack of revulsion in the eyes reflecting tears back at me. But now that it's been spoken out loud...now that it's been named and defined I am weighed down and down and down by the road ahead of me.

Unbidden I wonder if I can do it at all.
If I can muster the strength to take one more step towards any version of health. I feel too weak. Too resigned. Too bitter. Too angry. Too heavy. Too hurt.
Unwelcome I wonder if I can keep doing one thing every day that isn't curling up in my bed and darkening the world away.

But there are enough moments of clouds parting, enough hands reaching out even if they don't know they are doing it, enough phone calls to just check in that help me see I have no other choice.
So I slowly push the covers down.
I open my eyes and slide my feet around the side of the bed.
I stand
I stretch
I try

Each morning I make a choice
Each morning I realize there is no other choice I could possibly make

Good Things: January 11

January 1- Happy New Year! Big breakfast at home then lots of Wii and chilling out. Thanks to the magical vodka from the night before not the teensiest hangover either!

January 2- Rearranging living room furniture is my love language

January3- Worked out with roomie before work and lived to tell the tale

January 4- Quick and efficient WP meeting followed by fun at dinner with the adults

January 5- Kickboxing with the seester

January 6- Finished a good book, unfortunately there was a home invasion and triple homicide so I was awake really late jumping at every little sound.

January 7- Woke up and got a good workout in despite my aforementioned late night of paranoia.

January 8- Slept in until 1130am and still had a productive day

January 9- Fun morning at Washington Project and brunch with the famdamily after

January 10- Taco night with a side of mango margaritas and Alias!

January 11- I spent all day thinking and acting as if it was Wednesday, which was hilarious sometimes

January 12- Kickboxing, finished a good book and hot dinner made by roomie shortly after I got home.

January 13- Family night at Sharen's, played some Wii of course

January 14- Alias and Martini's with roomie, which means a lot of giggling (We're playing a GAME?!)

January 15- Pretty much just stayed on the sofa playing Wii and watching The Tudors all day.

January 16- Pretty much repeated yesterday, except I did go to church in the morning and do a touch of laundry

January 17- Made it through a report at work that I previously hadn't made it through in one day since the beginning of the year. It's nerdy, but it's my good thing

January 18- Nap after work

January 19- Kickboxing with seester, I made it through without rolling off the ball and grunting when I hit the floor.

January 20- Stressful day at work was helped by watching pretty fluffy snow falling out of my office window

January 21- Chinese Buffet with the fam for Kirsten's birthday. Involved me telling my sister I needed to go get my buffet pants on.

January 22- Went out to the club with Pete and some of his work friends, stayed up until 4am and said things like: "This is a 5 course gay bar!"

January 23- Amazing sermon at church followed by a lazy lazy Sunday on the sofa

January 24- I might have accidentally gotten caught up at work

January 25- I actually got caught up at work, I also had a dream I got married and moved to a new city...which was weird.

January 26- No kickboxing meant I got to go home and just hang out.

January 27- Family night at Applebees for the girls birthdays. I stuck my fingers in my ears and shouted lalalalalalala while the waiter was trying to talk to me and later hit him. Awkwardsauce for the win!

January 28- Quiet night at home, finished a good book

January 29- Cotsco (toiletries for a year!) and Mario with Sharen and Matthew followed by yummy dinner and Mario Kart and regular Mario with Alexis and Ryan

January 30- Conquered Mario! Well, level 8. Then after all the credits rolled a special new level (9!) opened up. I fell asleep with visions of Bowser and flying duck/turtles dancing in my head.

January 31- I know I say it every time, but Washington Project leadership meetings are ALWAYS my good thing on the days I have them.