In the clanging and clattering noise I was able to see it.
Under the dull roar of the voices surrounding me I felt it all land on my heart at once.
I started speaking and then couldn't stop.
Warm puddles of tears pooling then falling, dripping into my lunch.
In one moment my brain clicked with my heart and I was able to articulate things hidden and shadowed.
I can still feel the warmth of the wetness under my eyes.
I can still taste the salt it left on my lips.
Is it possible to feel at once lighter and heavier at the same time? Because that is how I feel. My heart was lifted and reassured by the lack of revulsion in the eyes reflecting tears back at me. But now that it's been spoken out loud...now that it's been named and defined I am weighed down and down and down by the road ahead of me.
Unbidden I wonder if I can do it at all.
If I can muster the strength to take one more step towards any version of health. I feel too weak. Too resigned. Too bitter. Too angry. Too heavy. Too hurt.
Unwelcome I wonder if I can keep doing one thing every day that isn't curling up in my bed and darkening the world away.
But there are enough moments of clouds parting, enough hands reaching out even if they don't know they are doing it, enough phone calls to just check in that help me see I have no other choice.
So I slowly push the covers down.
I open my eyes and slide my feet around the side of the bed.
Each morning I make a choice
Each morning I realize there is no other choice I could possibly make