There have been several things happening both around my office and around my sphere of friends. Little things, adding up. But everyone is still ok. At least that's what they say when you ask them how they are.
When people ask me how I am I usually just say I'm ok. Because I'm ok. I'm fine. I'm not great. But I'm out of bed and out in the world doing what needs to be done just like everyone else.
But I said to a friend at lunch the other day, how do you respond when the answer feels like "I'm completely falling apart". Because while I'm ok, and I'm fine and I'm out in the world doing what needs to be done I also feel like I'm completely falling apart. I feel like little birds of prey disguised as friendships disintegrating, professional chaos and what is (if I'm being completely and frighteningly honest) an escalating and choking case of pretty severe depression, are picking away at my coping with life skills.
Sometimes it feels like if I say that, I need to justify it. It feels that way because I am a pleaser but also because I've had to in the past. People who I've finally opened up to have asked me why I can't just get over it because I have a nice life so what could possibly be the problem.
How can I possibly explain that it's not one thing. It would almost be better if it was something big. I told my friend I wish I could get a boyfriend than have a terrible break up because I feel like people could understand feeling like this about that. But it's all the little things of life. Paying bills, navigating complicated professional relationships, tiptoeing through friendships that feel unfamiliar and where I mostly feel unwanted trying to belong somewhere, even breathing in and out, getting out of bed in the morning....it's all just feeling like to much lately.
I don't know if it's seasonal, actually I know that it's not. I just want you to not worry about me. This has been going on severely since that September weekend and was building before that since the previous spring. I've just been able to manage it (however poorly) since then.
But I can't manage it anymore.
So I'm getting help, I've made the appointment, and each morning I force myself out of bed and into a world that feels like monsters in a haunted house to me right now.
Forgive me that I don't know how to say that to you in person. Because how would I explain it. It's not just that thing that happened, or this thing that happened. There hasn't been any great travesty that has happened.
It's both simply and not so simply the damage of this broken girl finally making it's way to the surface and God refusing to let me bury it anymore.