Speaking into the air

Being unmarried and non-dating has been on my mind and heart a lot lately. From the mostly funny to the serious to the wondering. I haven't talk about it much on here lately, because I'm not really sure what to say.

I'm beginning to suspect that maybe I'm supposed to be unmarried, non-dating for the foreseeable future. It's a hard thing to say to people because people are really invested in other people getting married, dating, making out etc etc. I joked a few weeks back that I was so boy crazy in and just post high school that I got it all out of my system so I could live the rest of my life in peace. But lately, lately I'm really beginning to wonder.

I wonder if I truly feel called to pursue a life of unmarried, non-dating living or if I am just so scared of unpacking my relational baggage. Then I think....haven't I been unpacking that baggage for a long time now?

I start to feel like I haven't really looked at it enough, the baggage. At the same time I'm thinking I'm picking at a thread that is as unraveled as it's going to get.

I go to a church that is primarily comprised of young married couples and young families. Sometimes, that's really hard for me. Even when it's hard I so believe in what my church is doing, what their mission is and the part God is clearly calling me to play in that mission that it's an easy choice to stay or go.

But it's still hard. Do you believe me when I tell you that both the hard and easy can exist at the exact same time? Because they do a lot for me.

Most of the time I can track with the relationship series, most of the time I can hang. But this time around I feel like I just can't do it, which I know is ok.

See the thing is, not everyone wants to be married. I don't. I know for sure that I don't, I'm simply (ha!) trying to figure out if I don't want to get married because I'm not supposed to or if it's because I'm hiding like a coward.

It frustrates me when there is no room made for the idea that a girl could want to just be on her own, unmarried, non-dating. That somehow the goal is to marry. The books, the sermons, the blogs about being a single Christian girl all end with the same thing...when will my husband show up. I'm fine (most of the time) with other people wanting that. But I feel sort of alone out here. I wonder if I'm so damaged in some way that I wouldn't want that too. So I search and search my heart...I pray, blog, journal, talk out loud to God and other people about it. All the same, wondering if there's something wrong with me. There are disclaimers on the sermons (from so many pastors, well meaning and kind) that relationship series can be applied to friendships and familial relationships (non-spousal), but I'm hard pressed to figure out what those are exactly.

People think it's because I haven't met the right man, some have asked if it's because I haven't met the right woman, others believe it's because I'm still hanging on to a man from the past.

Still others try to force e-harmony or match.com on me...because clearly if I just date for awhile I'll eventually shape up and settle down just like everyone else.

I wonder quite often what it is that is missing in me, this longing for a husband and partner. Because I do long. I long for a companion, someone to hang out with, someone to confide in, someone more....someone here and now in my everyday life. I do have them though. Lovely ladies and a handful of fellas that I love deeply and who love me too.

I long for a relationship in my city with someone that isn't held to a spouse and children; not because I think those are wrongfully prioritized, but because I think they are rightfully so. I would never ever ask a married friend to sacrifice their family or marriage to hang out with me, but sometimes it would be nice to have a spur of the moment friend to do silly inconsequential unimportant things with. One that doesn't require weeks of planning and coordinating when people are arriving in town by car or plane.
Someone asserted that what I'm longing for is a more intimate relationship with God, more of Jesus and His word. Probably, that does ebb and flow more than I would prefer. So still I wonder, I wrestle....is it for me, not for me....I just don't know...

I'm nervous you will think this is discounting you, the lovely lovely friends I adore that read this. Because I'm not discounting you. I feel lonely lately, but I have no idea what I feel lonely for. I sit and think and wonder if it is a husband and the answer is always no. So where does that leave me?

I think for now it leaves me couple skating with Jesus, waiting for....something, something that I can't quite explain to anyone yet let alone myself.

Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.
-1st Corinthians 13:12