Freak Out

Let me preface this by saying that there are very few times I have ever had the thought, "I should get married..." (And that there will be a lot of parenthetical asides in this post (and maybe some cursing))(It can be like a drinking game, parenthetical aside? Take a shot!)
But I've been traipsing down a trail of marital longing for the last week.
Why you ask?
Health insurance and money.
I need a rich rich husband so I don't have to be self disciplined or careful about money in any way. (What? I can't be the only one that ever had that thought)

It's interesting to me the way that all of this is coming to a head since I spent most of 2009 telling myself I needed to get on track financially and start sticking to my budget and being better about savings. (Which...unsurprisingly I didn't really do...)
Our health insurance at work is switching to HSA (health savings account) and in addition to the monthly premium of about $120 I will need to save money in a HSA to pay for 100% of my medical costs (except well visits) up to $5000.
Thankfully I work for a pretty great company that is kicking in 1/2 of the deductible so I only have to meet $2500 of that. But as a relatively healthy, single, no dependant person there is no way I will hit that deductible without something catastrophic happening.

I briefly considered opting out of health insurance anyway but a good friend reminded me that as a homeowner I would be just 1 car accident or fall down the stairs away from losing my house...so I came to my senses.

Additionally I have to save money up in a FSA (flex spend) account to pay for some dental work I need to get done and for an eye exam and new contacts (or at the very least glasses). That's another $80ish per paycheck coming out.
I'm flat-ass broke people. I may or may not be completely freaking out and considering getting a THIRD job.

I don't freak out about much (ok I do, but not to this extent). I especially rarely sweat being single at 30 (Thirty flirting and thriving hellllo!). But when it comes to dealing with money and savings and paying all the bills I freak out and want to be married quick quick quick.
(This, if anything, should be a massive sign to those of you on the "Get Bethany Married" train why I should so not be married at the moment).
I mean, people care about my well being, my parents will help me if I just ask (which is the most daunting part) and Sharen will coupon her ass off to help me save at the grocery store. But really, it's on me. If I don't stick to the budget I'm the one that can't pay the bills. If I indulge in to much carryout/delivery then I'm the one that runs out of gas money.
For the most part it's me and only me that worries about paying the mortgage (although I think the mortgage holder is also concerned but in a non-committal type of way)

It just feels really overwhelming and I have cried FIVE TIMES about this. FIVE TIME. (FIVE!)
So I have to start shopping smarter at the grocery, I have to stop shopping in any other way. I need to be better about my gas usage (although I've started to carpool to work so that is fantastic). I have to just batten down the hatches and deal with it.
But really, I just feel like throwing myself on the floor and screaming about how unfair it is.

I don't often feel alone. But when trying to sort through all this insurance, budget, finance stuff I've just been feeling really really alone. Because even if your spouse isn't as engaged in the finances as you are they're at least in the boat with you.
If my boat sinks, I sink by myself. (and now I'm crying while typing this...shit)

Being an adult is hard and I feel like even though there are people that love me and want the best for me and will help me I feel like I'm the only person on my team. If I lose, I lose. The people that love me and want the best for me and will help me still have their own houses, their own teams (spouses), their own budgets to go back to.
It's all very whiny and I know for sure they are suburban white girl issues. That's why I titled this post "Freak Out" instead of "Completely rational line of thought based totally in reality".

This bring the freak out portion of the post to an end. Thank you for participating. Please allow your car to come to a complete stop before you exit.

Finally, I would like to say that I am humbled by the way that God is showing up in this. Especially considering all the tantrums I've been throwing his way lately. I got an email offering me $100 to babysit overnight for some kids that fits my schedule and I'm dog sitting for a week in February. So I know (I know) it will be fine. I just have to make adjustments and keep moving forward. It's just annoying and I'll stop typing there so I don't spin off into another irrational tangent.

ETA: I came home from work tonight and my basement was flooding thanks to a cracked toilet tank. It's will have it's own post later. But Whiskey.Tango.Foxtrot!


Pete said...

I know the feeling all too well to even think I could come up with anything to make it easier.

Just can't wait to get my boat down there so we can at least float next to each other.

Anonymous said...

I'm so totally on Team Bethany, even if your mortgage doesn't affect mine. That doesn't change anything, and a letter from me doesn't make the bank forgive your debt, but we're all rooting for you the same way you root for all of us.