If I could just look myself in the eye. If I stopped hiding behind this thick black thunder cloud and all of my whispy and pathetic excuses.
If if if if if if if if if if.
I could go on for hours, days. I've gone on about it for years.
Sometimes, it feels like I inflict these scars upon myself so I'll have something interesting to talk about. But I'm getting bored with the melodrama of not being able to let it go.
I had to take another way to work today, because every single avenue to work was blocked by accidents. Stupid mistakes and sometimes outright intentionally bad choices these drivers made.
I was thinking this morning about how often I've blocked myself from the work I feel so deeply called to do because of my bad choices and cowardly evasive manuevers.
I feel like I've been swimming through molasses mixed with honey and mud lately. I just can't seem to break the surface.
I know why. I know the solution. But I'm glued here, cemented in place by habits cultivated and nurtured over years of avoiding my self inflicted scars.
Tomorrow morning a friend and I are going to start holding each other accountable for getting up early and spending time alone with God. Basically a call/text to make sure the other is out of bed and on her feet. A week ago today I confessed more crazy to someone then I ever have before. These moments have been like a brief breaking of the surface, reminding me that while I feel all pissy and anti-social I need to reach out and allow others to reach in. Because without that, I'm just drowning alone.