I can tell you that over the last year what has helped me the most to heal parts of me hidden for years and years has been sharing the darkness in my head, letting people into the crazy both in person and on here. Opening my darkness to other people has allowed them to finally shine light into the wounds, and that made all the difference. So many of you have helped me see hope and love where I thought there was none. You have all helped me more then I can really articulate see me through the barbed wire pile of shit that I had piled on myself.
I can relate to this woman's entry in a way. I used to cut occasionally, not every day, or even every week...but at some point I would feel like I had to depressurize the hatred and pain that I felt seething just below my skin.
So please read and think about how you can help people that may not know how to ask or receive the help, or those you don't know how to help (cutting or otherwise). Sometimes helping is just sitting there holding on to them while the waves buffet their hearts.
To most the thought of harming yourself would be so outlandish that you
would look at me like i was crazy if i told you that it makes sense to me.
I
am choosing to write about this because there is such a need around this
generation to bring light and truth to the fact that a lot of this generation is
stuck in the rut of Self Injury. It is a painful place to be and takes a lot to
get past. It is a dark place to get stuck. And as statistics are showing there
are a lot of people stuck there.
So i want to share my story……
I started
“cutting” when i was 13. I don't fully remember how i was introduced to it, but
within a few days had taken root in my life. The pain that was so deep inside of
me was killing me. i was allowing myself to die emotionally. It was a fight that
i didn't want to take place but had no idea of how to stop it. It seemed
meaningless to fight to keep them alive when i viewed them as the things that
were causing me so much pain.
So my only solution to make sure that i was not
dying totally was to hurt myself. To feel the pain on the outside assured me
that i was still alive. That there was still hope. At least that it how it all
started. It started out of my desire for hope. For some feeling to let me know
that i was alive. That i could still feel something. That one day maybe i would
feel again.
Soon it became an addiction. I had my way of doing it. I had my
“ritual.” The when and how. within 2 months it had moved past the need for hope.
My body and mind were addicted to the feeling. To the release that it gave me.
My rage towards myself and other people had grown so much that i didn't know how
to release it. And i thought this was a good way.
As time went on whether i
had a bad day or not i had to cut. I had to do it each night before i went to
bed. It calmed me enough to rest and go to sleep. (and about addiction, still to
this day if i experience intense pain i get tired because my mind was trained to
go to sleep after pain.)
I share this because i know that there are people
who are in this rut. And honestly, it breaks my heart. because being on the
other side of this “journey” for hope i have found that the only hope that there
is is in Christ. I know, i sound super spiritual….but it is true.
The only
way that i could figure that out was to get to the darkest part of my life. I
was in such darkness. I had been cutting for 4 years and no one knew. I had a
secret. And it was a dark dark place to be in. full of pain and the desire to
get caught in hope that someone could help me. I was tired of the darkness. And
the only solution i knew was to come clean. To get someone in my head and share
the journey with.
This was key for me. To let someone in and know the pains
and the hurts. I knew that if i let this remain in the darkness it would grow
bigger and bigger. and the thing that once started in the search for hope was
driving me further and further away from it.
The person i went to had no
idea what to say. She often looked at me dumbfounded. the thought of doing that
to herself was so absurd that she couldn't understand. But she listened. She was
determined to help me in any ways she could, even though she didn't understand.
You cant wait until you understand to help someone. And this is what i see
happening. So many people know people who self injure and are trying to learn
why they do it. Each person has their story. And if you ask, i am sure they will
share. It is a very dangerous thing to get into. You may not realize the roots
that it can create in your life. But i would encourage you to share your story
with someone.
But without sounding like a public service announcement, if you
self injure or know someone who does please please please let someone in. Let
someone into your darkness. It will hurt at first. It will be uncomfortable. It
will be embarrassing. But if you live in the darkness alone your life will never
change. Let someone in and bring the light into your pain.
Find your
hope.
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