I blame Kim Kardashian

(I actually had to google her name to make sure I was spelling it right.)

The other day I'm at the gym doing this ab machine thingy and feeling pretty good about my progress so far. I'd been dedicated, disciplined, it had been DAYS since a fast food french fry had touched my lips. I weighed myself, and while I knew it was irrational I was a little disappointed I hadn't lost oh say a hundred or so pounds in the last week. I know I know, it takes time, persistence, blah blah blah.
But I was feeling strong and limber, pumped with all the adrenaline doubling my time on the elliptical machine had brought.

But I digress, I was on an ab machine thingy. I was feeling pretty good, I was feeling confident and strong, I was SMILING at strange boys coyly. (ugh)
Then on the jumbotron in the downstairs free weight area I notice there is a news ticker. So I start reading to distract myself from the ache that was growing in the sides of my abdomen. Then on the video an image of Kim Kardashian pops up. Apparently she has gotten a "new bikini body". Because her old one was hideous and only about a million guys wanted to date her instead of a billion.
They had a snippet of her talking about losing 15 pounds to finally make if from a size 6 to a size 2. She just felt so unhealthy and out of shape that she just had to get that 15 pounds off, and while she may still have a ways to go she's working on it.
Well whoopty freakin do Kim Kardashian.
Ok ok, I realize, that's really petty and dumb for me to say, and normally I can control it but I sat there and all of my energy and confidence was deflated. I suddenly was so aware of every roll and bulge that my shirt was doing a poor job of covering and all I wanted was to find the closest mumu and McDonalds drive thru and put an end to this ridiculous charade of trying to get healthy.
Like I said, I realize I was overreacting, but I've been thinking about it a lot since then. Especially considering I decided to finish a book this morning instead of going to Urban Iron like I swore I was going to.

I generally am a take responsibility for your own actions (and heck I even try to take responsibility for other peoples sometimes) but I am just constantly amazed at how affected I am by those types of things. I'm amazed at how easily the thought, well you'll never be a size 6 so you should probably just give up and stay a size 4bajillion. I just hate that. Even more, I hate that it is still such an influence in my life. Isn't that worry supposed to be for teens and pre teens? Shouldn't I know better by now? I'm a grown up, I'm pretty sure I am anyway. I have a mortgage apparently that makes you a grown up.
I know that it's not just me, and I know that it's not just women. But I have been just so surprised at how affected I was by Kim Kardashian finally overcoming her obesity and losing 15 pounds.
I know I know, it's Hollywood, I shouldn't judge myself by their standards, I shouldn't strive to look, talk, think, act like them. I know.

But sometimes, the crazy in my head overtakes me and I just don't know how to get it out.
So here I am, several days later and I still haven't let fast food fries grace my lips. I went grocery shopping today and didn't buy anything chocolate or to terrible for me. (Although I lingered quite a bit at the brownies....)
I'm not trying to be a size 6, I'd settle for sizes I can easily find cute clothes in without wandering into the woman's version of the big and tall section. Even though I'm trying to get healthy to get healthy and be more productive and active, sometimes, sometimes I think the deeper longing is to feel beautiful at all.

I blame Kim Kardashian, even though I know she isn't perfect. Even though I know that she has her problems, flaws and imperfect relationships.
Even though it isn't fair, I blame her. Because sometimes, it's so much easier blaming someone else then taking responsibility for the mess I've gotten myself into.

Posts that may only be slightly related:
Learning to Breathe
Some Days
Kind of Girl

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I already think you're beautiful. I want you to be healthy and happy, and hope I can be supportive while you figure out how to get to wherever that is for you.

Try to remember, a lot of people tell me I'm "too" skinny (yeah, that NEVER gets old, thanks), yet somehow I'm rarely happy with my own weight.

Crazy comes in all different sizes. ;)