I tore down my fence last weekend...another post to come about my adventures on a bobcat.
I also had 8 yards of dirt brought in to fill in the massive hole in my backyard made by the previous owners pool. We spread some of the dirt up farther in the yard because water tends to stand there and we wanted to build that up a little.
I spread grass seed (apparently the wrong way since dad had to go back and "clean it up a little") and Jeff and I shook some straw all over the place. I've been watering it with my new sprinkler 30 minutes a day.
I was sitting on my patio the other day (on my new patio furniture!) and watched as birds swooped down and stole piece after piece of straw from my yard.
It occurred to me how much I've felt like the straw.
I read on Anne Jacksons blog a few weeks ago an entry about a drawbridge. Specifically this sentence spoke to me:

For years, you have permitted others to walk in and out of your life according to their needs and desires.

It's not necessarily that I have let people walk in and out of my life, but that I have let people walk all over my life. Taking what they want and leaving little.
I have allowed people to speak cruel things into my ears and I bought what they were selling as straight up gospel truth.
Like the birds I have allowed these people to swoop in and out ripping pieces of straw from me.
"You're stupid"
"Who do you think you are?"
"You're weird"
"What is wrong with you"
"You're pretty fat"
"I suppose you look ok, but you're getting a little big"

So on and so on I've allowed people to tell me what I'm worth and I've adopted their opinions as my own.
Watching the birds in my yard I could feel all over again the cruelties I've silently allowed stinging all over again. As I sat there watching the birds stealing my straw and thinking about all these things I also remembered a conversation I had with my friend Mel a few months back. She was talking about a revelation she had through her own conversations, about the myth of us splintering ourselves off. That someone has taken a piece of us, or a piece of us died with someone or left with someone. The person that Mel was speaking to said, "You know that's not true right? You're still a whole person even in the midst of pain and disappointment"
We talked about finding out identity if Christ, completely and totally. That in finding our identity in Him completely we are complete even in the midst of pain, sorrow, disappointment, or whatever other rosy and cheerful things that might happen in our lives.

It gave me pause, sitting on my patio, thinking about all of these pieces of me that I had thought for so long were ripped from me and floating around outside of me and outside of my control. While I'm being honest, I also thought they were floating around outside of God's control too.
But sitting in the sunshine, staring at the birds I realized, that I am a complete and whole person because of Jesus. Even when I build up walls, even when I shove people away or am shoved away because of any number of pieces of mismatched luggage, I am complete in Christ.


Katy said...

You are beyond beautiful inside and out... and anybody who says otherwise is wrong... and I will personally seek them out and punch them.

Pete said...

I love blogs that are inspired by the most obscure things.

You have such a talent of tying the most minor detail in life into a huge part of life.

You should write a book because I'll be the first to buy it. It may take me two years to read, but I'd enjoy every minute of it. :)

Katie said...

I enjoy reading what you have to say because it makes me think. And I too would buy your book because you have a talent for descriptive writing.
I love you and you are a great friend!
"Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart." Psalm 37:4