I was afraid

I was afraid of not living up to what you wanted me to be, not realizing you wanted me to not exist.
I was afraid of your complete disregard for me, so I did anything possible to find regard in the arms of others.

I was afraid to step away from my fear and loathing for fear that who I was without such deep anger would crumble and fall apart.

I was afraid to accept the responsibility for my role in how things played out, I was afraid to understand the reasons behind my reasons.

I was afraid to be afraid for fear that it would show my vulnerability and propensity for panic. I was afraid to not be afraid for fear that someone or something would sneak up behind me and end it all.

"I was afraid of changing because I built my life around you." I was afraid Steve Nicks was right. I was afraid that if I moved away, moved on, carried on, that what was left of me without you would crumble and fall apart.

But now, I'm afraid to not change, afraid to not move on into the calling I hear in the middle of the night. I'm afraid that the time has come to realize that your complete disregard for me spoke more to your value than to mine. It's time to realize exactly whose expectations I should be working to meet, and that it is no longer you and it never was.