Yippee and other ponderances

I had a meeting with Ryan today about outreach stuff.
I'm so pumped now. I think it's going to be great, hard work but great which incidentally is exactly the combination I'm looking for!

It was 8 degrees when I left for work this morning. My car was defrosted enough for me to start driving so I left for work. The car in front of me sprayed up salt on my windshield and like the superstar I am I tried to wash my windshield to clean it.
Going 40 mph
On an 8degree day
Brilliant!
So for the next few blocks I watched my windshield crystallize and cover over with ice. But it wasn't all of the sudden, or in one smooth sheet of ice. It was gradual. Sporadic and patchy even.
It reminded me of sin.
Sometimes sin comes and it just immediately covers everything about your life in one foul swoop. It happens so fast that you can't even stop it.
But in my life, more often it's like my windshield this morning.
I act without thinking.
Slowly parts of my life will fall into old patterns and habits of gossip, hateful thoughts, fear, lust, lies, and any number of other things.
It will start quietly, almost stealthy in a way. Inch my inch I'll give in and reconform to my old life, the one that isn't really that far behind me.
Ben said once where there are secrets sin is crouching at the door.
It's so true. No sooner will I start not being completely honest about what I'm doing, where I'm going etc., sin is right at my door banging to be let in again.

So my windshield iced over slowly.
I tried passing over it with one, two, three swipes with the wipers. It smeared, became gray and dingy and I couldn't see out of it.
So I had to use my windshield wiper fluid repeatedly to wash it clean, I had to put my wipers on high (probably wearing them down and shortening the length of time I'll have before I need to replace them)
It took the few miles until I hit Tri-County to really get it cleaned up and back where it needed to be for me to drive safely.

It just really struck me as a parallel to my life. So often I'll slip in one little way, thinking it's not that big of a deal and I'll stop.
But slowly the sin, and more importantly the consequences of that sin seep in and cover my whole life. They shade my perceptions of others and the way I see myself and interpret my community of friends and families see me.
The sin covers me in a cold isolated and lonely feeling. One that causes me to feel such shame that I don't share what it is that I'm struggling with which only exacerbates the shame.....(this is where I especially see what Ben said playing out, by not sharing or allowing others to support and encourage me in fleeing this sin I can talk myself more readily into continuing down that path)
Life becomes...dull, dingy, covered over and gray, hard to see my way out of the hole I've dug for myself.
It takes longer to recover from the crushing blow of sin then it would have if I had just shared with someone I trust (coughbobbiecough) and asked them to help me pray and disentangle myself from it.
Life becomes, less about shining the light of Christ and more about trying to polish myself up to hide the deep shame I felt for stumbling.
Conversations are sprinkled with my proud boasting and quick covering of behavior that isn't right. When they should be sprinkled with encouragement of others, listening, laughing, and celebrating the life that is found in Jesus.
Slowly but surely a year will pass....with activity covering the hollowness of my heart and superficiality taking the place of the true and deep relationships that grew me to the place I was when I started this descent.

But today is today, not yesterday or tomorrow. In the past few weeks and months my eyes are opening anew to this junk, to this false shame, to this isolation that I've sewn myself into.
Shame, well, it's good I suppose. But I don't think that's the right word for the emotion I should be feeling when I'm struggling with these things.
Shame is often a lie of the enemy I think....the enemy telling you that of course people wouldn't love you if they knew.
Last week I shared this shame with someone and was so surprised by the reaction, the encouragement, the love that I felt from breaking down that barrier I thought I was building to protect myself, but it was really an isolation wall that not only kept people who hurt me out, but also those that love me.
This healing of a wound that has begun is so cleansing, so beautiful in the hope that it gives me for the future. It's hard work. It's harder still because of how long I've let it fester, how long I've let it grow untended and free inside my heart.
But with the consistent attention and prayer, love and affection that I'm washing this wound with, in a few miles, it will be ok again. It will be safe to drive again and I will be cleaned up and ready to go.

Hopefully this time, when I build things around me...it will be relationships that build me up and encourage...or even demand....that I stay in daylight, where sin doesn't lurk at the door.