I waited
Patiently for you to see me
My tongue was held, I spoke only when spoken to and was rarely seen or heard
I waited
to be noticed
to be seen
to be counted as worthy of even your harshest insult
I waited and held baited breath, hoping that just once I would be visible
behind that davenport I waited
You who boasted of your honesty and integrity
You who I defended to he that stood at the barrel end of your gun
You who told the stories I would memorize and comfort myself with when you were held far from me
You were never who you said you were
You were a liar and a cheat, a thief and a hypocrite
I waited for forgiveness
Most days I wait still
Years I believed that it was I that needed to be forgiven
for not arriving first
for not seeing what repulsed you about her
for being stupid enough to believe in you
I waited at your funeral
I waited and searched to find an ounce of the you I knew in the stories they told
I waited in vain
Was it terrible that I wanted people to tell the truth about you at your funeral
Was it just so awful that I had to be drunk to be there, that even then I didn't really want to be there
Was it unforgivable that the tears I shed were tears of relief that I wouldn't have to see you ever again
Little did I know that visions of you waited for me
In my dreams
In the store
On the street
Worse yet I see visions of you in my face when I look in the mirror
I hide your features in the folds on my skin, opting for social unacceptability over having to see your frown and furrowed brow on my face even one more time
I wait
The forgiveness that happens every morning when I open my eyes fades by the end of the day
I wait for the forgiveness to stick
I hope that it will one day
I wait
3.27.2008
3.26.2008
Exactly what I needed to hear
"You are not what you think you are. There is a glory to your life that your Enemy fears, and he is hell-bent on destroying that glory before you act on it. This part of the answer will sound unbelievable at first; perhaps it will sound too good to be true; certainly, you will wonder if it is true for you.
But once you begin to see with those eyes, once you have begun to know it is true
from the bottom of your heart, it will change everything."
--C. S. Lewis
3.25.2008
Whom are you seeking?
http://paradoxuganda.blogspot.com/
So I was reading this blog today and the following sentence jumped out at me:
They were referencing John 20:15
Last night I had a conversation that subsequently had me up thinking until almost 3am. It was a conversation about relationships and wounds, my craziness that's bubbling to the surface of late and other random things. It was a good conversation. It helped me pinpoint a few things and I was asked a few questions that I should probably find the answer to somehow.
The other thing that happened above and beyond that conversation almost all day yesterday was conviction. (and I know at least one of you knows what I mean coughjustincough).
I mean that conviction that is in your heart from God, through the Holy Spirit. When you aren't doing, thinking, saying, looking at, or whatever in line with what God has called for you.
I felt the twist of that knife in my heart at numerous times yesterday and throughout the night.
Sometimes I feel so lost in the self-centered process of cleaning out my junk. On one hand it's good, because that junk from decades past is what I hold on to. It's the unintended bitterness and anger that I still curl up with towards them. It's the unforgiveness and vengefulness that I stoke when I'm absently fantasizing about justice.
It has to go.
At the same time that it has to go, it has its purposes too I think. On Sunday at the Easter Egg Drop I observed something that has honestly brought me to tears on numerous occasions since. I saw someone notice.
I saw this person get down on the level with kids, adults, and every age in between. He talked to the outgoing and the shy and asked questions that had deeper answers then yes or no.
After he would walk away, or the other person would walk away, I saw them almost have a dazed look on their face. As if on top of the awesomeness of the helicopter they also were so touched and shocked at being noticed.
It really means a lot to me when I see this, and especially when I experience this (because we're all so inherently selfish dammit). Part of the junk is this feeling of being invisible, not counted as worth even the energy of scorn and ridicule. In the height of my despair over that...I was noticed like these people were on Sunday. I know how much it means and I know that it saves lives.
Part of the conviction is that I've been so wrapped up in this cloud of late that I haven't taken the time to notice. It's that fine balance between honoring God by working on the junk (a lot of it self created) that keeps me far from him, but also in being externally focused and seeing that I'm not the end all be all of......well it all I guess.
So there was talk of relationships last night, of all varieties not just romantical and the way I sometimes feel so incapable of functioning in them in any acceptable way. I've been thinking this morning about the verse above. Not only the why are you crying, but whom are you seeking especially.
My breath catches when I think about Jesus. Most days I feel like the least I could do for him is everything and anything I can. He is who I want to seek. If other things don't line up with that then I don't really want to participate with them. Now I'm not talking about hanging out or being involved persay. I mean, I don't want to invest the majority of my time that I have to pursue things that I'm passionate about on things that don't honor God.
That means my money, my body, my thoughts, my everything.
Again with the fine line. Not wanting to fall into the religious abyss because I don't think that doing or acting religion out is a God honoring thing necessarily.
Does this make any sense?
To often I feel this hesitation to really speak out the actual words of the fire that is burning in my heart for Jesus. I mean, I'm perfectly comfortable typing it. But speaking out loud....I don't know...it just seems to be more inciteful sometimes I think.
But I digress.
Like in the blog I read today, all day today I've been hearing his commanding tender voice calling me and helping me work through the crazy that was trying to take over my brain. All I can really do is crawl forward. If that's all I can do then that's going to have to be enough.
I see the hope in Him. I see the hope in how beautiful and amazing and vibrant it can and will be once all this junk is cleared.
I see hope.
So I was reading this blog today and the following sentence jumped out at me:
In His voice, his commanding tenderness,
His calling out to her, she recognizes Him.
They were referencing John 20:15
15Jesus said to her, Woman, why are you crying [so]?
For Whom are you looking?
Last night I had a conversation that subsequently had me up thinking until almost 3am. It was a conversation about relationships and wounds, my craziness that's bubbling to the surface of late and other random things. It was a good conversation. It helped me pinpoint a few things and I was asked a few questions that I should probably find the answer to somehow.
The other thing that happened above and beyond that conversation almost all day yesterday was conviction. (and I know at least one of you knows what I mean coughjustincough).
I mean that conviction that is in your heart from God, through the Holy Spirit. When you aren't doing, thinking, saying, looking at, or whatever in line with what God has called for you.
I felt the twist of that knife in my heart at numerous times yesterday and throughout the night.
Sometimes I feel so lost in the self-centered process of cleaning out my junk. On one hand it's good, because that junk from decades past is what I hold on to. It's the unintended bitterness and anger that I still curl up with towards them. It's the unforgiveness and vengefulness that I stoke when I'm absently fantasizing about justice.
It has to go.
At the same time that it has to go, it has its purposes too I think. On Sunday at the Easter Egg Drop I observed something that has honestly brought me to tears on numerous occasions since. I saw someone notice.
I saw this person get down on the level with kids, adults, and every age in between. He talked to the outgoing and the shy and asked questions that had deeper answers then yes or no.
After he would walk away, or the other person would walk away, I saw them almost have a dazed look on their face. As if on top of the awesomeness of the helicopter they also were so touched and shocked at being noticed.
It really means a lot to me when I see this, and especially when I experience this (because we're all so inherently selfish dammit). Part of the junk is this feeling of being invisible, not counted as worth even the energy of scorn and ridicule. In the height of my despair over that...I was noticed like these people were on Sunday. I know how much it means and I know that it saves lives.
Part of the conviction is that I've been so wrapped up in this cloud of late that I haven't taken the time to notice. It's that fine balance between honoring God by working on the junk (a lot of it self created) that keeps me far from him, but also in being externally focused and seeing that I'm not the end all be all of......well it all I guess.
So there was talk of relationships last night, of all varieties not just romantical and the way I sometimes feel so incapable of functioning in them in any acceptable way. I've been thinking this morning about the verse above. Not only the why are you crying, but whom are you seeking especially.
My breath catches when I think about Jesus. Most days I feel like the least I could do for him is everything and anything I can. He is who I want to seek. If other things don't line up with that then I don't really want to participate with them. Now I'm not talking about hanging out or being involved persay. I mean, I don't want to invest the majority of my time that I have to pursue things that I'm passionate about on things that don't honor God.
That means my money, my body, my thoughts, my everything.
Again with the fine line. Not wanting to fall into the religious abyss because I don't think that doing or acting religion out is a God honoring thing necessarily.
Does this make any sense?
To often I feel this hesitation to really speak out the actual words of the fire that is burning in my heart for Jesus. I mean, I'm perfectly comfortable typing it. But speaking out loud....I don't know...it just seems to be more inciteful sometimes I think.
But I digress.
Like in the blog I read today, all day today I've been hearing his commanding tender voice calling me and helping me work through the crazy that was trying to take over my brain. All I can really do is crawl forward. If that's all I can do then that's going to have to be enough.
I see the hope in Him. I see the hope in how beautiful and amazing and vibrant it can and will be once all this junk is cleared.
I see hope.
3.24.2008
Because it's not ALL doom and gloom
Here is my weekend by the days...just to help you all out since I'm being so glum lately.
Friday: half day (yay!)
I had an outreach meeting with Ryan at 130. We met for about an hour and planned the year out loosely, but with the dates and general idea of outreaches more specific. Also, good conversation about leadership and hard conversations. All around pretty encouraging and all that crap in regards to leading outreach (I'd been feeling a little stressed about it lately)
Then I went home and took a semi-nap. Meaning, I didn't really sleep (or at least for more then a few minutes) but I laid in bed and watched TV, closing my eyes every once in awhile, but mainly just laying there petting cats and watching TV.
Then I got up and got all sassed up and met Alaina, Heather, Dee, and Susan at PF Changs for Heathers bday. The 2nd best thing about that meal (after the company) was that it was FREE! I laughed so hard, and got to feast my eyes on Eamom, the waiter that I have a ridiculous crush on. I told Alaina I wanted him to make out with me, she said, WHY!? I said, because I want to make out with him and it would make it less awkward if he participated. (Funny because it's TRUE)
I headed home about 945 and was asleep by 11
Saturday:
I woke up about 10am and watched That's so Raven and Hannah Montana (I'm not ashamed). Then I took a loooong hot shower and got some laundry around. I headed over to Claire and Fred's about 1230 to dog sit Shadow and Trooper while the humans of that house went to Columbus for Easter. I watched 12 Monkeys and realized I have never seen that movie straight through. I mean, I've watched it but not all in one sitting or even in chronological order.
At 6 I headed over to church for a few hours. Our basement flooded and that's where kids church is so I helped carry stuff back into the clean basement and did A LOT of vacuuming. While Jessica was vacuuming the kids check in room a TV on a VERY wobbly book truck tipped. On the truck was also a PS2 and the whole shebang fell on two guitar hero guitars. Jessica hurt her knee trying to stop it! But I'm happy to report that NOTHING was damaged or even scratched in the process.
Headed back to Claire and Fred's around 8 and watched Kevin James stand up then tried (tried) to watch The Hoax with Richard Gere. But it was dull and annoying so I headed up to bed about 10.
Now, Trooper I've never stayed the night with before. He sleeps in a housie at night (to help him feel secure). I sleep in a different room then he usually sleeps in, and the housie had been moved to that room. It took me over an HOUR to lure him out of his regular room, down the hallway, into the room I was sleeping in, and then into his housie. I used treats, I told Claire her dogs were going to be fatter then she left them, because of course Shadow needed as many treats as Trooper.
Then Shadow had decided that I was taking to long to climb into bed (where he sleeps) so he was sprawled out as if he owned the joint. I had to pretend to be leaving the room so Shadow would jump up, and then I leapt back into the bed and sprawled myself out.
Sunday: Happy Easter!
I got up about 630 to make sure I had time to get ready and let the dogs play. So I fed them breakfast and let them romp in the yard for about 20 minutes. Then we went upstairs and I showered while they slept off breakfast. After getting ready I gathered up my towels that I washed while I was there and loaded up my car with most of my stuff. Let them potty again, and then put Tropper in his housie and headed to church.
I left at the same time I would from home, without thinking that I was about 20 minutes closer to church then usual. But I got there, had a donut about 830 and then did a few organizational things for the egg drop. I worked 4th-5th grades first service and that started about 915.
I had a really nice conversation with Jill Hartsock while checking the kids in.
First service FLEW by and then it was off and running for the egg drop! We dropped a few thousand eggs from a helicopter, to join other eggs already on the field. This was over 10,000 eggs filed with candy and some with prizes!
During 2nd service Lance, Justin, David and I (and a few others along the way) pre-laid about 8000 eggs on the fields, and I threw the 10 eggs with the prize slips in them in the lanes for the egg drop. We also set up the prize table, and I absconded Greg's van because it was to far to carry the prizes (and I didn't really want to anyway). In case you were wondering, you can get 10000+ eggs in a Mazda (just ask Lance), plus a few boxes of garbage bags and some signage for the lanes.
It was CRAZY to see all the kids there for the drop, it was such a great event and a great way for people to invite their friends, family, and other random strangers/coworkers to church!
I was again surprised by how exciting it was to see the helicopter flying over! Once it tipped on its side right on top of us and I (and many other adults) GASPED thinking that the one guy was going to fall out!
It took a while for the kids to go through their eggs for the prizes. At one point Ryan came up and asked if I had actually placed the prize eggs! It was hilarious to see the look on his face, I was tempted to say "oh maaaaan!" but I just couldn't do that!
In the course of about an hour 4Corners gave away:
A Nintendo wii, rock band, motorized razor scooter, 2 jumpolenes, a fly fusion pen, and a sand and water table.
It. was. amazing.
Then we had to clean up. Which didn't take a long time. I finally staggered out of church about 145. We also collected the sign up sheets for Kite Fest that's happening in 2 weeks, so that's on my to do list for this week.
I went back to Claire and Fred's, let the dogs out and got cleaned up for Easter. After coaxing Trooper back in his housie I was off to pick up Tony to head to Katie and Daryls for what turned out to be a super fanfreakintastically delicious dinner. I told Katie we were on our way, and that I hadn't eaten anything since that donut a few paragraphs ago. She she made almost 5 POUNDS of mashed potatoes!
Once the food was ready I inhaled almost 2 heaping platefuls of ham, mashed potatoes, string beans, stuffing, rolls...I think that's it...
I was so full after I thought I was going to explode!
But after a little rest and some brew I was ready to roll on the wii.
We all just hung out playing the wii and chatting the rest of the night. It was a lot of fun and did a lot to lift my spirits. I must say it was quite humorous to see Daryl and Tony playing the tank game. If you were just listening you would swear they were little kids playing with their toy soldiers.
Tony and I left about 9ish. I had to drop him off and get home, I was EXHAUSTED. I got home and tumbled into bed a little before 10 and was OUT by 10.
On an extended note I woke up at 3am this morning ready to go, which was very annoying.
So that was the last 72 hours of my life.
How was yours?
Friday: half day (yay!)
I had an outreach meeting with Ryan at 130. We met for about an hour and planned the year out loosely, but with the dates and general idea of outreaches more specific. Also, good conversation about leadership and hard conversations. All around pretty encouraging and all that crap in regards to leading outreach (I'd been feeling a little stressed about it lately)
Then I went home and took a semi-nap. Meaning, I didn't really sleep (or at least for more then a few minutes) but I laid in bed and watched TV, closing my eyes every once in awhile, but mainly just laying there petting cats and watching TV.
Then I got up and got all sassed up and met Alaina, Heather, Dee, and Susan at PF Changs for Heathers bday. The 2nd best thing about that meal (after the company) was that it was FREE! I laughed so hard, and got to feast my eyes on Eamom, the waiter that I have a ridiculous crush on. I told Alaina I wanted him to make out with me, she said, WHY!? I said, because I want to make out with him and it would make it less awkward if he participated. (Funny because it's TRUE)
I headed home about 945 and was asleep by 11
Saturday:
I woke up about 10am and watched That's so Raven and Hannah Montana (I'm not ashamed). Then I took a loooong hot shower and got some laundry around. I headed over to Claire and Fred's about 1230 to dog sit Shadow and Trooper while the humans of that house went to Columbus for Easter. I watched 12 Monkeys and realized I have never seen that movie straight through. I mean, I've watched it but not all in one sitting or even in chronological order.
At 6 I headed over to church for a few hours. Our basement flooded and that's where kids church is so I helped carry stuff back into the clean basement and did A LOT of vacuuming. While Jessica was vacuuming the kids check in room a TV on a VERY wobbly book truck tipped. On the truck was also a PS2 and the whole shebang fell on two guitar hero guitars. Jessica hurt her knee trying to stop it! But I'm happy to report that NOTHING was damaged or even scratched in the process.
Headed back to Claire and Fred's around 8 and watched Kevin James stand up then tried (tried) to watch The Hoax with Richard Gere. But it was dull and annoying so I headed up to bed about 10.
Now, Trooper I've never stayed the night with before. He sleeps in a housie at night (to help him feel secure). I sleep in a different room then he usually sleeps in, and the housie had been moved to that room. It took me over an HOUR to lure him out of his regular room, down the hallway, into the room I was sleeping in, and then into his housie. I used treats, I told Claire her dogs were going to be fatter then she left them, because of course Shadow needed as many treats as Trooper.
Then Shadow had decided that I was taking to long to climb into bed (where he sleeps) so he was sprawled out as if he owned the joint. I had to pretend to be leaving the room so Shadow would jump up, and then I leapt back into the bed and sprawled myself out.
Sunday: Happy Easter!
I got up about 630 to make sure I had time to get ready and let the dogs play. So I fed them breakfast and let them romp in the yard for about 20 minutes. Then we went upstairs and I showered while they slept off breakfast. After getting ready I gathered up my towels that I washed while I was there and loaded up my car with most of my stuff. Let them potty again, and then put Tropper in his housie and headed to church.
I left at the same time I would from home, without thinking that I was about 20 minutes closer to church then usual. But I got there, had a donut about 830 and then did a few organizational things for the egg drop. I worked 4th-5th grades first service and that started about 915.
I had a really nice conversation with Jill Hartsock while checking the kids in.
First service FLEW by and then it was off and running for the egg drop! We dropped a few thousand eggs from a helicopter, to join other eggs already on the field. This was over 10,000 eggs filed with candy and some with prizes!
During 2nd service Lance, Justin, David and I (and a few others along the way) pre-laid about 8000 eggs on the fields, and I threw the 10 eggs with the prize slips in them in the lanes for the egg drop. We also set up the prize table, and I absconded Greg's van because it was to far to carry the prizes (and I didn't really want to anyway). In case you were wondering, you can get 10000+ eggs in a Mazda (just ask Lance), plus a few boxes of garbage bags and some signage for the lanes.
It was CRAZY to see all the kids there for the drop, it was such a great event and a great way for people to invite their friends, family, and other random strangers/coworkers to church!
I was again surprised by how exciting it was to see the helicopter flying over! Once it tipped on its side right on top of us and I (and many other adults) GASPED thinking that the one guy was going to fall out!
It took a while for the kids to go through their eggs for the prizes. At one point Ryan came up and asked if I had actually placed the prize eggs! It was hilarious to see the look on his face, I was tempted to say "oh maaaaan!" but I just couldn't do that!
In the course of about an hour 4Corners gave away:
A Nintendo wii, rock band, motorized razor scooter, 2 jumpolenes, a fly fusion pen, and a sand and water table.
It. was. amazing.
Then we had to clean up. Which didn't take a long time. I finally staggered out of church about 145. We also collected the sign up sheets for Kite Fest that's happening in 2 weeks, so that's on my to do list for this week.
I went back to Claire and Fred's, let the dogs out and got cleaned up for Easter. After coaxing Trooper back in his housie I was off to pick up Tony to head to Katie and Daryls for what turned out to be a super fanfreakintastically delicious dinner. I told Katie we were on our way, and that I hadn't eaten anything since that donut a few paragraphs ago. She she made almost 5 POUNDS of mashed potatoes!
Once the food was ready I inhaled almost 2 heaping platefuls of ham, mashed potatoes, string beans, stuffing, rolls...I think that's it...
I was so full after I thought I was going to explode!
But after a little rest and some brew I was ready to roll on the wii.
We all just hung out playing the wii and chatting the rest of the night. It was a lot of fun and did a lot to lift my spirits. I must say it was quite humorous to see Daryl and Tony playing the tank game. If you were just listening you would swear they were little kids playing with their toy soldiers.
Tony and I left about 9ish. I had to drop him off and get home, I was EXHAUSTED. I got home and tumbled into bed a little before 10 and was OUT by 10.
On an extended note I woke up at 3am this morning ready to go, which was very annoying.
So that was the last 72 hours of my life.
How was yours?
Hello darkness my old friend
I'm having one of those days when all the lyrics I hear seem to speak directly to me. It could be that I'm self-centered, it most likely is but I don't really care.
Sound of Silence: Simon and Garfunkel
Hello Darkness my old friend
I've come to talk with you again
So much lately I've found myself flirting with the darkest parts of my heart. Almost basking in the void of light and habits of old. I do not like that part of me at all. But there seems to be some draw to it, some attraction to the sweet despondency that ruled for so many years. Someone said to me the other day that I seemed to be doing better, less crying more laughing or some such thing. I don't think I'm doing that much better. I'm not sure that's true, I may just be getting better at hiding it.
Strong Enough: Sheryl Crow
God, I feel like hell tonight
Tears of rage I cannot fight
I’d be the last to help you understand
and
I have a face I cannot show
I make the rules up as I go
It’s try and love me if you can
I feel like the first part is almost like a prayer I've been saying lately. It's nice that people notice, but I don't know what to tell them. I just want other people to feel better to, which makes me want to reassure them that I'm ok. But I don't think I am and I don't know how to be ok, I don't know what that looks like. Even saying I will be ok isn't enough, that's a lot of pressure for me, to have to assure you that I'm ok and everything is peachy and fine. It doesn't lead me to be ok, it just leads me to tell you that I am which makes you feel better not me.
There are glimpses though. Touches of kindness, unexpected. Many people that I've never really spoken to before on Sunday saw me. I mean they SAW me. They asked me questions and seemed to actually listen to what I had to say. When one of them was pulled away because of responsibility they came back to me later and said they wanted to hear more about what I was saying but they had to run. I felt seen for the first time in a long time. I seem to spend a lot of time lately trying to remain just below the radar, and it's taking a toll on my heart.
Shine Your Light on Us: Robbie Seay Band
I've been holding on
I've been
holding on
All that is inside me screams to come back home
The one constant thing throughout this last week is that there are thoughts of old that haven't returned. Honestly this is probably the lowest I've felt in years but I haven't once considered dangerous old habits that leave marks either just for me or in the lives of others. I've contained the implosion of all that I've kept hidden. I know that annoys at least one of you.
But I believe in a God that saves and he has saved me in every way. I think that I'm depending on and fleeing that more now then ever before. As I excavate the remains of that hidden section of my heart my gut instinct is to flee for my life, but then I am gently (or not so gently) reminded that true living isn't found there. Being truly alive lies in the arms of Jesus and truly living means cleaning this junk out once and for all.
Bring the Rain: Mercy Me
Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain
Holy Holy Holy Is the Lord God Almighty
3.21.2008
unrealistic expectations
I seem to have this idea that I can't mess up. That if I mess up somehow it will cause people to stop loving me.
I have this perception with people that have given me no cause either through behavior or words that this is true.
Where does this come from. This gut instinct to believe that people will abandon me? I have amazing parents. They're still married like a million years later and so it's not from that.
This feeling has been pervasive from long before any sort of real relationship, this feeling of irrational expectations that I put on myself. This ideal that I hold myself to but not others.
I know from experience that I appreciate the mistakes in other people way more then their perfection.
But when I mess up, and I mess up a lot lately it seems, I feel like I have to hide it. Keep it bundled inside sharing with no one for fear they will flee the scene of whatever crime I've committed.
I realize that our past impacts us. But at what point does it stop? I loathe when people blame something from decades ago for their inability to function today. I don't want this to be about something like that because I feel like I should just get over it. Besides, most of them aren't alive anymore...the purveyors of perceived perfection so who exactly am I trying to impress.
It all makes me feel substantially crazy, and not in the cute "you're SO crazy" sort of way.
I spent years perfecting ambivalence and the lack of public emotions. Then I spent years trying to find the balance of appropriate emotion.
Somehow without my even noticing I've almost totally slipped back into ambivalence and emotional robotism.
When did that happen?
Is it really as simple as it's just this time of year?
Am I just "in my head to much"? (and what does that even mean)
Since Tuesday my emotions so skillfully buried have been lurking just under the surface. I swing wildly between rage and joy, sorrow and boisterous laughter, grief and rejoicing. Just talking about it will reduce me to tears that I swallow down and inhale with clandestine smoke and double stuffed oreos.
I almost am finding having the emotions to be utterly exhausting.
But I've been excavating.
I talked to a friend on the phone today and realized that I'm holding this behavior standard to someone that has never even hinted at that tendency.
I fanatically hide and evade to ensure that my secrets aren't revealed, I joke and play the carefree role to assure this person that I'm doing just fine juggling on my own.
Until the balls come crashing down.
Even now my instinct is to only pay enough attention to resolve this, only enough attention until the glaring light of my self imposed reality turns to someone else and then scuttle back to the hole I've buried myself it.
There has to be a change. It has to be me that changes. I have no idea how, I have no idea if I will become even keeled and then the monster that ravages my heart will rear his head again, just as I get used to the calm in my head.
I just feel so lost, and I don't really know how to find my way back and I have no idea where it is that I'm trying to go anyway.
I have this perception with people that have given me no cause either through behavior or words that this is true.
Where does this come from. This gut instinct to believe that people will abandon me? I have amazing parents. They're still married like a million years later and so it's not from that.
This feeling has been pervasive from long before any sort of real relationship, this feeling of irrational expectations that I put on myself. This ideal that I hold myself to but not others.
I know from experience that I appreciate the mistakes in other people way more then their perfection.
But when I mess up, and I mess up a lot lately it seems, I feel like I have to hide it. Keep it bundled inside sharing with no one for fear they will flee the scene of whatever crime I've committed.
I realize that our past impacts us. But at what point does it stop? I loathe when people blame something from decades ago for their inability to function today. I don't want this to be about something like that because I feel like I should just get over it. Besides, most of them aren't alive anymore...the purveyors of perceived perfection so who exactly am I trying to impress.
It all makes me feel substantially crazy, and not in the cute "you're SO crazy" sort of way.
I spent years perfecting ambivalence and the lack of public emotions. Then I spent years trying to find the balance of appropriate emotion.
Somehow without my even noticing I've almost totally slipped back into ambivalence and emotional robotism.
When did that happen?
Is it really as simple as it's just this time of year?
Am I just "in my head to much"? (and what does that even mean)
Since Tuesday my emotions so skillfully buried have been lurking just under the surface. I swing wildly between rage and joy, sorrow and boisterous laughter, grief and rejoicing. Just talking about it will reduce me to tears that I swallow down and inhale with clandestine smoke and double stuffed oreos.
I almost am finding having the emotions to be utterly exhausting.
But I've been excavating.
I talked to a friend on the phone today and realized that I'm holding this behavior standard to someone that has never even hinted at that tendency.
I fanatically hide and evade to ensure that my secrets aren't revealed, I joke and play the carefree role to assure this person that I'm doing just fine juggling on my own.
Until the balls come crashing down.
Even now my instinct is to only pay enough attention to resolve this, only enough attention until the glaring light of my self imposed reality turns to someone else and then scuttle back to the hole I've buried myself it.
There has to be a change. It has to be me that changes. I have no idea how, I have no idea if I will become even keeled and then the monster that ravages my heart will rear his head again, just as I get used to the calm in my head.
I just feel so lost, and I don't really know how to find my way back and I have no idea where it is that I'm trying to go anyway.
OK
I don't know why that one showed up twice at two different times. When I looked this morning it wasn't there at all!
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