So I was reading this blog today and the following sentence jumped out at me:
In His voice, his commanding tenderness,
His calling out to her, she recognizes Him.
They were referencing John 20:15
15Jesus said to her, Woman, why are you crying [so]?
For Whom are you looking?
Last night I had a conversation that subsequently had me up thinking until almost 3am. It was a conversation about relationships and wounds, my craziness that's bubbling to the surface of late and other random things. It was a good conversation. It helped me pinpoint a few things and I was asked a few questions that I should probably find the answer to somehow.
The other thing that happened above and beyond that conversation almost all day yesterday was conviction. (and I know at least one of you knows what I mean coughjustincough).
I mean that conviction that is in your heart from God, through the Holy Spirit. When you aren't doing, thinking, saying, looking at, or whatever in line with what God has called for you.
I felt the twist of that knife in my heart at numerous times yesterday and throughout the night.
Sometimes I feel so lost in the self-centered process of cleaning out my junk. On one hand it's good, because that junk from decades past is what I hold on to. It's the unintended bitterness and anger that I still curl up with towards them. It's the unforgiveness and vengefulness that I stoke when I'm absently fantasizing about justice.
It has to go.
At the same time that it has to go, it has its purposes too I think. On Sunday at the Easter Egg Drop I observed something that has honestly brought me to tears on numerous occasions since. I saw someone notice.
I saw this person get down on the level with kids, adults, and every age in between. He talked to the outgoing and the shy and asked questions that had deeper answers then yes or no.
After he would walk away, or the other person would walk away, I saw them almost have a dazed look on their face. As if on top of the awesomeness of the helicopter they also were so touched and shocked at being noticed.
It really means a lot to me when I see this, and especially when I experience this (because we're all so inherently selfish dammit). Part of the junk is this feeling of being invisible, not counted as worth even the energy of scorn and ridicule. In the height of my despair over that...I was noticed like these people were on Sunday. I know how much it means and I know that it saves lives.
Part of the conviction is that I've been so wrapped up in this cloud of late that I haven't taken the time to notice. It's that fine balance between honoring God by working on the junk (a lot of it self created) that keeps me far from him, but also in being externally focused and seeing that I'm not the end all be all of......well it all I guess.
So there was talk of relationships last night, of all varieties not just romantical and the way I sometimes feel so incapable of functioning in them in any acceptable way. I've been thinking this morning about the verse above. Not only the why are you crying, but whom are you seeking especially.
My breath catches when I think about Jesus. Most days I feel like the least I could do for him is everything and anything I can. He is who I want to seek. If other things don't line up with that then I don't really want to participate with them. Now I'm not talking about hanging out or being involved persay. I mean, I don't want to invest the majority of my time that I have to pursue things that I'm passionate about on things that don't honor God.
That means my money, my body, my thoughts, my everything.
Again with the fine line. Not wanting to fall into the religious abyss because I don't think that doing or acting religion out is a God honoring thing necessarily.
Does this make any sense?
To often I feel this hesitation to really speak out the actual words of the fire that is burning in my heart for Jesus. I mean, I'm perfectly comfortable typing it. But speaking out loud....I don't know...it just seems to be more inciteful sometimes I think.
But I digress.
Like in the blog I read today, all day today I've been hearing his commanding tender voice calling me and helping me work through the crazy that was trying to take over my brain. All I can really do is crawl forward. If that's all I can do then that's going to have to be enough.
I see the hope in Him. I see the hope in how beautiful and amazing and vibrant it can and will be once all this junk is cleared.
I see hope.
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