I Waited Patiently

I waited
Patiently for you to see me
My tongue was held, I spoke only when spoken to and was rarely seen or heard

I waited
to be noticed
to be seen
to be counted as worthy of even your harshest insult
I waited and held baited breath, hoping that just once I would be visible
behind that davenport I waited

You who boasted of your honesty and integrity
You who I defended to he that stood at the barrel end of your gun
You who told the stories I would memorize and comfort myself with when you were held far from me
You were never who you said you were
You were a liar and a cheat, a thief and a hypocrite

I waited for forgiveness
Most days I wait still
Years I believed that it was I that needed to be forgiven
for not arriving first
for not seeing what repulsed you about her
for being stupid enough to believe in you

I waited at your funeral
I waited and searched to find an ounce of the you I knew in the stories they told
I waited in vain
Was it terrible that I wanted people to tell the truth about you at your funeral
Was it just so awful that I had to be drunk to be there, that even then I didn't really want to be there
Was it unforgivable that the tears I shed were tears of relief that I wouldn't have to see you ever again

Little did I know that visions of you waited for me
In my dreams
In the store
On the street
Worse yet I see visions of you in my face when I look in the mirror
I hide your features in the folds on my skin, opting for social unacceptability over having to see your frown and furrowed brow on my face even one more time

I wait
The forgiveness that happens every morning when I open my eyes fades by the end of the day
I wait for the forgiveness to stick
I hope that it will one day
I wait