Sound of Silence: Simon and Garfunkel
Hello Darkness my old friend
I've come to talk with you again
So much lately I've found myself flirting with the darkest parts of my heart. Almost basking in the void of light and habits of old. I do not like that part of me at all. But there seems to be some draw to it, some attraction to the sweet despondency that ruled for so many years. Someone said to me the other day that I seemed to be doing better, less crying more laughing or some such thing. I don't think I'm doing that much better. I'm not sure that's true, I may just be getting better at hiding it.
Strong Enough: Sheryl Crow
God, I feel like hell tonight
Tears of rage I cannot fight
I’d be the last to help you understand
and
I have a face I cannot show
I make the rules up as I go
It’s try and love me if you can
I feel like the first part is almost like a prayer I've been saying lately. It's nice that people notice, but I don't know what to tell them. I just want other people to feel better to, which makes me want to reassure them that I'm ok. But I don't think I am and I don't know how to be ok, I don't know what that looks like. Even saying I will be ok isn't enough, that's a lot of pressure for me, to have to assure you that I'm ok and everything is peachy and fine. It doesn't lead me to be ok, it just leads me to tell you that I am which makes you feel better not me.
There are glimpses though. Touches of kindness, unexpected. Many people that I've never really spoken to before on Sunday saw me. I mean they SAW me. They asked me questions and seemed to actually listen to what I had to say. When one of them was pulled away because of responsibility they came back to me later and said they wanted to hear more about what I was saying but they had to run. I felt seen for the first time in a long time. I seem to spend a lot of time lately trying to remain just below the radar, and it's taking a toll on my heart.
Shine Your Light on Us: Robbie Seay Band
I've been holding on
I've been
holding on
All that is inside me screams to come back home
The one constant thing throughout this last week is that there are thoughts of old that haven't returned. Honestly this is probably the lowest I've felt in years but I haven't once considered dangerous old habits that leave marks either just for me or in the lives of others. I've contained the implosion of all that I've kept hidden. I know that annoys at least one of you.
But I believe in a God that saves and he has saved me in every way. I think that I'm depending on and fleeing that more now then ever before. As I excavate the remains of that hidden section of my heart my gut instinct is to flee for my life, but then I am gently (or not so gently) reminded that true living isn't found there. Being truly alive lies in the arms of Jesus and truly living means cleaning this junk out once and for all.
Bring the Rain: Mercy Me
Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain
Holy Holy Holy Is the Lord God Almighty
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