6.27.2011

Taking my ball and going home

This isn't my first go at therapy. It's just the first time I was willing to engage in the hard stuff and push through the uncomfortable and painful to get far enough in that there was no turning back.

One of the therapist I had was talking to me and I said something about how I needed to just get over whatever it was I wasn't over because it was clearly done. He replied, "If you're not over it it's not done."
I dismissed him naturally because he didn't realize that I was always wrong and always at fault.

While in theory I realize that forgiveness doesn't always mean reconciliation and that it is for sure not always a one time forgive 'em and you're done deal it's the every day living out of that knowing that is so hard some days.
When you realize that someone is never going to do...whatever it is you're wanting them to do, that's when the hard work starts. Because it can be easy to forgive someone when they're shaping up and walking the line you want them to walk.
But when they don't....when the relationship after the forgiveness either does not or can not exist....you're still called to forgive them. Because forgiveness isn't supposed to be conditional.

Can I be honest? I sort of hate that.
I sort of hate that my agenda and my idea of "how it should be" is not the way that it goes and that forgiving and continuing on in a reconciled relationship with a person hurts sometimes and sometimes you're still let down.

But I also know that when I ask God for forgiveness (which feels like an alarmingly high amount thanks to some spiritual temper tantrums of late) his forgiveness is instantaneous. He keeps no record of wrongs and calls me to do the same.
I also hear him asking me how I can love those I need to forgive well.
So I stomp my feet and I whine and cry and ask him why I need to be the one to love them well. They are the ones that hurt me and wronged me.

Then I hear him whisper..."There it is. There's that seed of bitterness I knew you were fostering in your heart. Can I have that please?"

I'm still stuck in that tension, in the temptation to nurse the bitterness and unforgiveness. I'm tempted to just sit down, cross my arms and pout. But I can feel Him pursuing me even when others won't. I can feel Him whispering to me that He's got this, that I don't have to carry it because He will and already is carrying the burden.
I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited,
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it,
I had hoped you'd see my face,
And that you'd be reminded that for me it isn't over
-Adele Someone Like You